To have expected 'boyfriend' to not have made separate bills while at the bar

[msdjames]

Went for lunch on break yesterday to a well known pub chain. I chose what I wanted (came to four pound). Gave the guy I've been seeing on and off for over a year ten pounds to cover my bill.

He came back and he'd made two separate orders. And then gave me my change.

We are currently not together due to personal issues that we are working on to make the relationship better. But he's says it's extremely serious and we will be together soon.

Me giving him the ten pound. And him using it means we are not at all serious imo. I'm not complaining at all btw. I just want to get a general consensus here. (Would work if the roles had been reversed too and I had been the one making separate bills)

“Personal issues that we are working on to make the relationship better” sounds like a pile of wank!

Relationships are rarely that complicated.

As soon as someone says they have been “on and off” on here, I do a little sigh and think “oh love, stop letting him dick you about”.

If this is the sign you need to move on - TAKE IT!

You give him 10 quid, his choice is now, buy his own food with your money, or give you the change. He chose the later.

You seemingly expected him to go for a third weirder option, that of not using your money at all, but returning it. The who pays dance is an appropriate social situation for this, but it's done verbally, and you short circuited it by handing him the cash. There is no way he could have done anything than what he did I would say.

Still don’t understand!

Are you judging seriousness of a relationship on whether he pays for your food?
And especially after you actually gave him money to pay for your part?
Did I get that right?

So if you are happy it’s a casual relationship why are you moaning about separate bills?

This doesn’t make any sense.

If it’s this much hard work then the whole thing is doomed anyway.

Christ. I did not expect him to buy me lunch.

The question is. This is casual behaviour to have between two people who are romantically involved.

To clarify he could have used to money to pay for both.

It's the separate orders that's odd.

Thanks to the few people who have understood what I'm saying. Can see I didn't write it very well.

What exactly is causal if you're not in a relationship. Do you not mean your just mates?

And what do you mean he says you will be soon. Sounds like he is dangling the carrot, and it's you that wants it. Not him.

How you pay for lunch is not a sign of a relationship.

Being in a relationship is the actual sign of a relationship.

If you thought that was a good test, than that's your problem
Healthy relationships don't have games and test.
He says some day your be serious? Why not today? Why are you having lunch together but not dealing with the issues. It takes two people to decide if a relationship is going to move forward.

I think I understand (just).

He says you are serious...you feel like you aren't.

You gave him the £10 expecting him to use it as proof in your eyes that it isn't serious. He did. Therefore it's confirmed your opinion that its not serious. Now you are double checking on mn right?

To me it seems its not serious....not because you split the bill but because it sounds like you are playing games.

So you gave him the £10 to "test" him? What would he have to have done to "pass"?

So he had 3 options:

1. Not use your tenner at all - but you gave it to him to buy your food so his thinking could reasonably be that wasn't what you wanted him to do.
2. Use your tenner to buy his meal - but that might make him look like a freeloader.
3. Order separate meals - probably seemed safest option.

You've then taken this as a metaphor for an on/off relationship that, at the moment, is apparently off. It all sounds rather dramatic tbh.

He did two separate bills so he could give you your change from £10! You gave it to him towards your food, not the whole bill! Did he know you were giving him a test of his commitment? You are very, very unreasonable. Poor guy.

To clarify he could have used to money to pay for both.

Did you tell him to pay for both? otherwise he may have thought that might be cheeky.

If you look at it from his perspective, you handing him a tenner could have given the impression that you wanted separate bills, don't you think?

“To clarify he could have used to money to pay for both.

It's the separate orders that's odd”
Why? If you’re paying separately surely that’s normal?

I'd imagine you giving him £10 and telling him it was for your bill bizarrely gave him the idea this was the case - and not for him to return the £10 to you and realise it was a test of how much he rates your non relationship 🤔

Me and my partner have been together 5 years and still split the bill as we keep our spending money seperate.

Why do you have an issue with him splitting the bill?

If I understand correctly...

You aren't together
He says you are serious/will be together soon (whatever that means)
You contradict that - you think you're 'casual' (whatever that means)
You gave him £10 to pay for your food
He paid for your food with your tenner, so he's not that serious about you after all
You're using this as 'proof' to him that he feels differently to how he says he is feeling

So you would rather he had used your money to buy his lunch?

Why don’t you just stop playing games over a bloody Witherspoon’s lunch?

You gave him the tenner, hence indicating to him that you wanted to pay for yourself.

He therefore got separate bills so he could give you back the correct change.

I do not get what the issue is, unless you're playing games.

It wasn't a test. It was a very much in the moment thing.

Last night he got angry over something unrelated and said how serious we were and how we are both making steps to be together. (The reasons of this is not relevant and plays no part to the story).

I used the sandwich as ONE example if this being at the moment a friendly relationship.

Again. I didn't not expect anything of him. I just wanted you guys to clarify for him, how any other person would see this. Which you have. So thanks

He says you are serious...you feel like you aren't

Then you need to explain it to me. How can you be serious but not in a relationship?

Op, look, I suspect you want to be in a relationship with this guy, that's why you're looking fo daft signs, and that's why you're hanging onto him saying soon you'll be in a relationship.

Grab some self respect and move on. Ok, for your sake. He's just not that into you.

I don't think OP expected him not to use the tenner, it was the separate bill that was the issue. He could have just got one bill for all the food and used OPs tenner towards the total, being part of a couple and all that. Instead he chose to have separate bills, paid each separately and gave OP her change...almost cementing that he's single

It’s the one-day-soon-we’ll-be-serious that would put me off.
What’s that about??
Whatever it is, you’re obviously not happy. Go find someone who makes you happy.

OP, I'm genuinely really confused. What were you hoping he would do?

If you don't want him to get separate bills, and you didn't want him to give the money back to you and pay for it himself, then the only other option is for him to use your money to pay for both your lunches, right?

That aside, this is an odd way of dealing with whatever situation you guys have going on. It sounds like you need some really clear communication so you know where you both stand, not some odd conjecture based off a £4 pub lunch.