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Original poster

To have expected 'boyfriend' to not have made separate bills while at the bar

195 replies

msdjames · 02/05/2019 14:16

Went for lunch on break yesterday to a well known pub chain. I chose what I wanted (came to four pound). Gave the guy I've been seeing on and off for over a year ten pounds to cover my bill.

He came back and he'd made two separate orders. And then gave me my change.

We are currently not together due to personal issues that we are working on to make the relationship better. But he's says it's extremely serious and we will be together soon.

Me giving him the ten pound. And him using it means we are not at all serious imo. I'm not complaining at all btw. I just want to get a general consensus here. (Would work if the roles had been reversed too and I had been the one making separate bills)

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 02/05/2019 14:36

Ah. Separate bills is the sensible practical approach to each person paying the right amount and getting their change. The OP wanted one bull so they could do complicated bistromathics.

GreytExpectations · 02/05/2019 14:38

OP, this is so confusing and you seem to be contradicting yourself. You said in your OP We are currently not together due to personal issues that we are working on to make the relationship better But then go on to say that its just casual and that is what you want and its him that wants serious. So why are you working on a relationship when its not what you want?
You also titled your post to have expected 'boyfriend' to not have made separate bills while at the bar But then you go on to say you aren't together and you didn't expect him to buy you lunch so what exactly was he supposed to do when you gave him £10?

goodwinter · 02/05/2019 14:38

@putyourtoponTrevor Oh! I think you've found the secret third/fourth option. Is that the way you were hoping he'd handle it, OP? Because if I were him, I'd feel a bit cheeky using my partner's tenner to cover our lunches when his only cost £4 - unless he said something explicitly.

viques · 02/05/2019 14:38

"We are currently not together"

Are you sure? It might be that you think you are not together but he thinks you are, or it could be that he thinks you are not together but you think this is only a temporary misunderstanding and that you really are together except not actually together iyswim, or it could be that neither of you think you are together but are too polite to say so.

Sorry, I need Cake

Stabbitha · 02/05/2019 14:38

Is he shit at maths? Could he have put it through as two separate orders because, to him, it was easier than working out your share of the change?

I think when people say you need to work at relationships and marriage it is often misinterpreted. Yes, you need to learn give and take and compromise, but they've shouldn't literally be HARD WORK.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/05/2019 14:39

I love separate bills. Even more so when they work out your tip for you. DH and I did separate bills when we were serious. Not now, but serious.

I think you're trying to read tea leaves about his intentions. Instead of being honest about what you want and ending it if it's not.

fruitbrewhaha · 02/05/2019 14:40

Oh this is weird. So did you want him to give you the £10 back and say, it's ok, I'll pay. Or that you were paying for his too?

Either way it all sounds too cerebral. Dating is meant to be fun. I think you should go your separate ways.

Louiselouie0890 · 02/05/2019 14:40

Did you say just use the £10 for the bill
I would be uncomfortable using the whole of someone's money and would make sure they recieved there change if not stated otherwise. Why would he presume you were paying.

Mixedbags · 02/05/2019 14:41

Did he invite you for lunch? Did he offer to pay?

FlyingMonkeys · 02/05/2019 14:41

I often just carry my bank card instead of cash. Maybe he did the same and got two bills so he could pay his by card, and OP's with the tenner to get her change for her.

Louiselouie0890 · 02/05/2019 14:42

I think your finding issues to be honest

AndOutComeTheBoobs · 02/05/2019 14:42

I'm married and I've split costs before, when we have been ridiculously broke.

Or when I wanted a £7.50 cocktail and DH only fancied a coffee. I didn't think it was fair to spend 7 times the amount on my drink so he got his stuff and I paid for my extortionate cocktail separately.

It doesn't mean we aren't serious.

How bizarre.

TheGrapefulDread · 02/05/2019 14:43

My first thought was I bet he kept his receipt to somehow claim expenses for his own lunch ... and he’s very socially inept. Sounds like hard work anyway.

AlexaAmbidextra · 02/05/2019 14:43

Sounds like he’s married and telling you he’ll leave his wife when the time is right. And we all know how that ends up.

Original poster
msdjames · 02/05/2019 14:44

Ok so I'll delve deeper not that I wanted to.

I have some debt issues (not much) that he's found out about. And he wants to help pay. I said no thank you. He said yes. I said no again. He kicked off and said why are we working on things (again not relevant to this but hugely relevant to our future) And he said that we've been on and off for two years and that we serious about each other so I should let him help.

The sandwich yes was one example. There are many more. It was just the example I used as it had happened that day. He's not ranting and raving about me saying we extremely casual at the moment and is offended by me saying I don't expect anyone like that to help with such matters .

I just wanted a straight up yes or no if it was normal to make separate orders and then kick off over the other person saying no to helping with a debt.

It is odd. I'm not the one disputing that fact. I'm not the one being dangled by the string.

OP posts:
Monkeybunkey · 02/05/2019 14:44

Maybe he wanted to pay by card for his, so separate bills was easier - one paid by card, one by cash?

NuffSaidSam · 02/05/2019 14:44

I think separate orders is a bit odd.

But I'd think it were odd even if I were out with a friend and they did that.

I don't think it speaks to the seriousness of your relationship, just that you have different ways of doing things. Maybe that's how we always does it? Lots of people here don't find it weird so it much be normal for some people, it's like the guest toothpaste from the other day!

Whoops75 · 02/05/2019 14:45

Maybe he can expense his lunch.

I don’t think it’s an indication of anything

Original poster
msdjames · 02/05/2019 14:45

Oh and he is defo not married 😂😂

OP posts:
InspectorClouseauMNdivision · 02/05/2019 14:45

He got separate bills at the bar so he could get the correct change for a tenner🤷‍♀️ Otherwise he would be doing that "I am sorry, but I need notes and/or coins to give £6 back" with the barmaid/barman🙄
Mystery sorted

GreytExpectations · 02/05/2019 14:47

Oh I get it! right, everyone listen up...

OP, gave him a £10 to cover her food (as that's what friends do). He accepted and paid on two different bills. She didn't think anything of it, supposedly.

Fast forward to last night, they had an argument where the fake bf said they are quite serious. She said they aren't serious and used the fact that they pay separate bill for food an example of how they aren't serious. So, she didn't expect him to do anything. This was just normal behavior but she mentioned it to him as an example of not being serious. She wanted Mumsnet to confirm it is casual "friendly" behaviour so she could go back to fake bf with what we said as proof.

Phew! Did I get that right? Op, you worded that in such a confusing way..

TooTrueToBeGood · 02/05/2019 14:47

It’s the one-day-soon-we’ll-be-serious that would put me off. What’s that about??

My best guess would be he's not yet out of his previous (i.e. ongoing) relationship. Whatever it is though, it means he's stringing the OP along.

Do yourself a favour OP, no relationship is worth this level of head-fuckedness in the early days. Cut him loose and give yourself a chance to meet someone who won't compromise your sanity so much.

ilovesooty · 02/05/2019 14:49

Fucking hell. What a ridiculous fuss.

FlyingMonkeys · 02/05/2019 14:49

Right, so you've made it clear you don't want his help financially - so he's taken that either on board as it previously caused an argument. Or he's being petty and making a fuss about everyone paying their own way. Did you actually query the seperate bills? It just seems like you both need to have a clear discussion of if you're both in or out of a relationship.

joystir59 · 02/05/2019 14:49

When two people are in an equal loving relationship they do not have issues about who pays what. It is easily understood between them that sometimes one pays, sometimes the other pays. There are never separate orders or bills.

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