Forced Parenthood AIBU?

[FP22]

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

Good. I hope it helps you be more flexible, it will benefit you all. Go well.

Get a dna test (I’m not reading 777 comments to find out if you already did) and in future use condoms at all times otherwise you’ll be paying out for endless kids who are likely going to wonder why they weren’t good enough to be part of your life.

I agree that what this person did at conception was very wrong, and I have sympathy for you OP.

It’s difficult to imagine how men could be given actual choice about this legally (aside from “wear a condom”, without stamping on women’s rights, which exist to protect women, for good reason. That’s why the view on here is what it is. (Pre-conception, the view is “the wishes of the person who wants no children trumps the person who does...”)

But you are an actual person whose life has been turned upside down by a completely unexpected revelation of deceit. So I can understand how you are feeling.

I have read your thread and my main worry is that you will regret rejecting this child in future and that your feelings are currently not fully knowable because of your natural anger towards this woman. So I would start with maintenance and work through your feelings of anger with your counsellor without making any firm decisions. I hope counselling helps you resolve this.

If a mother moves away when the child is a baby, doesn't put the father on the birth certificate and is determined not to facilitate a relationship between father and child, there is very little the man can do about it without spending tons of money dragging her through court.

You do realise that a woman who is not married to the biological father cannot "put him on the birth certificate"? He has to be at the registry office too

I think you are mistaken in trying to get your life back to what it was before the conception of your second child. Your life has changed now, whether you like it or not, just as it does for millions of women who get accidentally pregnant.

If it weren't for your anger against the mother, if you knew it was an accidental pregnancy, would you still happily abandon your second child?

Not being funny but if you are such a "good socialist" you should be fine with giving up your income to the mother 😉.

Why are you having any kind of unprotected sex outside of a committed relationship? Did she really agree to it being casual? Were you definitely on the same page? Because it sounds to me like she meant to trap you all along. Im sure you don't need me to tell you how reckless and quite frankly foolish you have been.

Regardless, you had bareback sex and with that always comes the "risk" of pregnancy. Im afraid there isnt much you can do now. Even if she really was on the pill there is still a chance of it failing.

What a twat. This has made me so furious!

What about your family? Would they not want to know/see their new family member? Grandparents? Uncles? Aunties?

How utterly selfish of you.

My son is without his biological dad. He is 7. He asks me about him, why he doesn't want to see him, why he doesn't want to be his dad. Blaming himself for it. His self esteem is so low. And although he goes to a great private school, and has such a great family unit on my side, it has totally effected him!!

You should be fully ashamed of yourself.

And when this child is an adult, and comes to find you. What are you going to say to them? How are they going to feel knowing they have a half sibling that was fully wanted and loved by their bio father? And they were not?

You are obviously an intelligent man, you must know about attachment and how this will damage this child throughout their life.

Grow up and own up to what you have done.

OP I've read most of the thread and pretty much all your replies.

All I can do is say how sorry I am for the amount of bs you're getting thrown at you here, and the woman that put you in this situation.

For those pp who said about how silly it is to have a discussion about pro abortion (pro choice) they were - I have had that same conversation with DP, about what if any accidents happened before we were ready to TTC.

PP who have said about how harsh it is on the woman, forced to live this choice and he gets to leave scot free... uh.. no. She made her bed and lay in it when she lied about being on the pill, and said she was allergic to condoms.
Yes she now has to deal with being pregnant, but that is a choice she made, fully informed, and aware of consequences.

OP on the other hand was not fully informed, nor consented to unprotected sex.
To me, if it were switched around, it's like a woman consenting to sex with a condom, or a partner who has had a vasectomy, to find out that he wore nothing/not had the snip.

This woman lied to OP about not wanting a child and deliberately got pregnant.

All i do say @FP22 - get a dna/paternity test done before handing over any money. If she can lie about that, and knows how you feel regarding financing a child, theres nothing to say she hasn't lied regarding whether the child is yours or not.

And for the record... I grew up not knowing my dad and I've turned out okay. Good on you for sticking to your guns and doing what you believe in. It would be more damaging I think to be in and out of a kids life than to be absent

MissB83, yes I do know that - I told the OP this up thread. I meant that a woman who doesn't want him on the birth certificate (and therefore registers her baby without him being there) and who wants to exclude him, can quite easily unless he has time and money to fight it. The OP has neither and his feelings about the mother and circumstances of conception mean that he has no inclination to fight for access.
Children deserve parents who are 'all in'. No relationship is better imo than a half arsed one.

To all of you who feel their kids have suffered because their dads didn't want to be involved, remember that this woman has done this to her child on purpose. She has taken away the OPs right to choose parenthood by lying about contraception and this has meant there's no trust and no chance of a workable co-parenting relationship. That's all on her.

First of all get a DNA test. To be sure your the father it will save a lot of heart ache in the future, if she manipulated you in the first place how do you know this child is yours? I know it doesn't seem fair but if you are the father you have to pay. Learn from this experience and make sure you use non latex condoms. Don't trust anyone

As a single mum of 3 who was in a similar situation with my ds (see upthread) then

*What was the woman's motivation for having a child with a man who didn't want a relationship or a child?
*
OP hasn't said that she's demanding a relationship from him for either her or the child and in fact she's moved away, clearly demonstrating that she doesn't want a relationship. So why would she do this deliberately knowing she'd be raising the child alone and has no guarantee of maintenance being paid? Being a single parent is not easy and UC is hardly worth having a baby for! So was this definitely done on purpose? Has she admitted that? And what's with all the STI checks for a "casual" relationship? I don't think we've been given the full story here.

@FP22 how much time do you actually spend with your 3 year old considering you have 2 jobs and often work long shifts and nights? I bet he doesn't see much of you.

@FP22

I've already said on here that both my husband and my dad grew up not knowing their fathers or their half siblings - neither have any issues with it, neither turned up on the doorstep aged 18 demanding answers.

Make peace with your choices now and explain to your child the circumstances if they ever do make contact.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds

I agree with what you have said. I don't like the idea of abortion particularly but I will support any woman who wants to have one because it is better for a reluctant parent to not have the child than to force them to have to continue the pregnancy.

Mother of fem who knows what motivates a woman to do that but it is despicable and selfish.A child is not a dolly it will have a long lasting impact on the said child if father doesn't want anything to do with him or her. How do you explain that to a child without impacting on its MH?

Please don’t ever tell your children that this was your “only viable choice” because that’s absolutely bollocks - how would you honestly feel if your father said to you “well, your mum forced you on me, I never wanted you and told her so, and I already had a kid anyway”.

However, this has provoked me to question every element of the situation and I can live with the outcome I chose. This is about choice, just as the mother had her choices. The baby doesn’t get a dad and she knew that from the outset, I’m upset but few it is in the overall best interest of everyone that this decision can effect.

Phew, as long as you can live with it! That’s the main thing.

Again, how did she “trap him”?

After that first time where she said no condom due to allergy, surely you asked her before the next time what condoms she wasn’t allergic to so that you could buy some?

Surely you checked that she was still on the pill on multiple occasions, given that this was only about “sexual gratification” so you owed each other nothing (ignoring the fact that she took you to a medical appointment for moral support - so typical of fuck buddies!).

Pull the other one, dude. It’s got bells on, as my mother used to say.

To all of you who feel their kids have suffered because their dads didn't want to be involved, remember that this woman has done this to her child on purpose

We are talking about the relationship of a man and his second child. The mother is not forcing him to live with her, is she?

We are talking about the relationship of a man and his second child. The mother is not forcing him to live with her, is she?

He will have to have a relationship of sorts with her though won't he if he sees the child?

Maybe he doesn't want that?

The mother has chosen to get pg on purpose to a man who was very clear that he didn't want another child. She had to deceive him to get pg. That's what she has done to her child. She's done her baby a huge disservice, since children should be loved and wanted and chosen by both their parents.

He will have to have a relationship of sorts with her though won't he if he sees the child?

Maybe he doesn't want that?

I'm sure he doesn't. It is not at all ideal, but then very little in this world is ideal.

The child is a fact.
The OP will have two children. He ultimately has to decide whether he interacts with his second child or not.

As a woman, the idea of having a child out there that I couldn't be certain if they were alive or dead, hungry or mistreated is inconceivable.

My ex was a bastard, but I didn't abandon my dd because of that.

Nothing stopping the girl buying condoms either tbh. Both could have been responsible adults it is 2019 people

I think a mother's relationship with a child is very different to a father's though.

For a start we know that the child is biologically ours and obviously fathers don't have that certainty.

The mother here has done what she needed to do - kept the pregnancy, moved away etc. She hasn't necessarily done what is best for the child (conceiving by deceit with a man she knew didn't want a child, moved away from the father)

I can't condemn the OP for doing the same.

You know OP, you knew this could happen, you planned for this scenario because you talked about abortion before you put your penis anywhere near her. In other words you thought expecting a woman to have an abortion was a reasonable form of birth control, rather than actually using a condom or maybe just not having sex. You didn't want to be a father but you thought it was fine to make the woman you were with take all the risk. And it wasn't just once clearly, it was again and again, every time knowing you risked an unwanted pregnancy and the abortion you planned for. Exactly who do you think you are putting a woman in that position? Where's your care for a partner, where's your responsibility? People have said that you risked STDs by not using a condom, but you also put her at risk. Women are much more likely to contract HIV from PIV sex than men are, genital warts can cause cervical cancer which kills women. You didn't give a fuck about that though did you? Your enjoyment and excitement came first.

This women deliberately set out to get pregnant despite me being quite clear it was never something I wanted to entertain. We were on the same page I thought and I was stupid. At 7-8 week I said I would never be a part of the child’s life. I didn’t say before hand let’s try for a kid and then abandon them down the line, I was misled and manipulated. Nobody has said anything that would make me think otherwise.

You weren't misled. You knew she could get pregnant and you thought that her having an abortion would be the solution to that if it ever happened. That doesn't sound so good on Mumsnet though does it - "I think abortion is a form of birth control" rather than your "evil women tricked me into handing over my sperm to make a baby".

I think you're highly manipulative. You've claimed to be submissive, but you managed to tell a woman you hardly knew that you expected her to have an abortion if she got pregnant from sex with you, and it sounds like you demanded it again when she got pregnant. Now you're in a rage because she didn't do what you wanted Except you're not in a rage according to you, you're depressed and have trust issues, because you're going through the trauma of discovering that sex makes babies and that as a parent you have responsibilities.

This is about you not living up to your responsibilities before sex and afterwards. You're trying to blame it all on the mother when your behaviour has been atrocious. What kind of a man thinks that putting a woman through an abortion is a solution to him not wanting to be a father rather than taking his own steps to prevent it happening?

Someone else said you were cold and I agree you come across as cold as ice. You said she asked you to have a relationship with her, yet you're accusing her of using you as a sperm donor and a bank. She obviously isn't a very good judge of character This is your baby, your own flesh and blood and you don't even want to meet it. It's really hard to see how anybody could feel like that, but apparently you do.

You're not a victim here. You're acting entitled and you sound angry that you haven't got your own way.