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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Forced Parenthood AIBU?

883 replies

FP22 · 30/04/2019 16:29

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

OP posts:

Islaofsilly · 02/05/2019 09:30

I can see what you are saying MissB. But how would you feel if that first world unexpected pregnancy was the result of a pierced condom? A woman would then have a choice. For good reasons - but that seems to be what the OP feels aggrieved about. Can we not have sympathy for how he feels (obviously very distressed and confused to be seeing a counsellor and posting on AIBU...), while also saying “once conceived it is her choice not his”?

Islaofsilly · 02/05/2019 09:31

The venom on here is just crazy.

Motheroffeminists · 02/05/2019 09:36

I suspect the OP isn't coming back now.

MissB83 · 02/05/2019 09:52

Islasilly I'm afraid I have a child with a man very similar to the OP so no sympathy from this side. He's had plenty of it on the thread though so he's done ok!

Islaofsilly · 02/05/2019 10:19

Ah I see MissB. Then I can understand your feelings too. You presumably got pregnant unintentionally though. So not quite the same as your partner. I have also been accidentally pregnant, and I can empathise with both men and women in this situation.

But I agree, I don’t think the OP is coming back.

DecomposingComposers · 02/05/2019 10:36

Can someone please explain to me why no one is being as insulting about the woman involved as they are about the OP?

You are saying that he risked pregnancy and STIs just to get hi end away by not using contraception - well so did she! How is she also not as despicable because she knowingly had unprotected sex with a casual man? Why is she not as bad for risking bringing a child into the world so casually?

How is she seen as somehow better than the OP? She made exactly the same poor choices - arguably worse because she did this knowing exactly what she was doing.

Surely by throwing all these insults at him you are throwing exactly the same at any woman who has casual sex without contraception? You aren't though are you, because you have double standards.

MissB83 · 02/05/2019 10:43

Islasilly yes, I did, but being a grown up I am able to take responsibility for my decisions and face up to the consequences, and put my child first. The OP clearly cannot do this.

MissB83 · 02/05/2019 10:44

Decomposingcomposers because the woman in the scenario isn't the one coming on AIBU to have a whinge about how awful things are?

DecomposingComposers · 02/05/2019 10:57

MissB83

It doesn't matter if she is or isn't.

All of the things people are saying about OP apply equally to women too

unprotected sex (or sex with contraception) risks pregnancy. You've had casual sex with someone you didn't know well and surprise! A baby. You need lessons in biology.

unprotected sex risks STIs.

You gave no thoughts for any child that might have been the result of you just wanting to get your leg over

how are you going to explain this to your child when it's older?

All of those statements (and I haven't included the insults!!) apply equally to any man or woman engaging in unprotected, or underprotected sex. Never hear it said to women though who also are risking bringing unplanned children into the world with no thought beforehand as to how they would support and raise that child. Maybe you should think about what you are saying before pointing the finger at the OP.

And explain exactly why any unplanned pregnancy is only the fault of the man? Both parties are equally responsible for the decisions to use, or not use, contraception.

In this case, the woman did not insist on a condom being used - and that's without factoring in her lie - so everything thrown at the OP about not using a condom applies to the woman too.

MissB83 · 02/05/2019 11:00

DecomposingComposers sure, and if it was the woman who had written the post then people would probably have said all that to her instead, wouldn't they? And rightly so.

CaptSkippy · 02/05/2019 11:12

I feel the same whay MissB83

This is unexpected and unwanted parenthood, but by defintion of the OP being male, it cannot be forced parenthood. OP is not even involved in the child's life and moans about the financial responsibility of the consequences of having unprotected sex.

And serious we don't tell female posters to trust virtual strangers with the sole responsibility of contraception. If a woman had come on this board and said she had gotten pregnant because the guy told her he had a vasectomy, we would have told her pretty much the same.

MissB83 · 02/05/2019 11:20

This exactly! He hasn't even had to contribute anything yet

JacquesHammer · 02/05/2019 11:37

DecomposingComposers

Given solely on the OP (which to be fair I’m slightly sceptical of) it wasn’t “unplanned” from her point of view.

Quite often the same posters won’t be on all the same threads unless you’re suggesting everyone on MN thinks the same (although I’ve said this to you repeatedly and you seem to want to ignore it)

FYI the last “unplanned pregnancy” thread I was on people were saying “you have a choice, get some contraception sorted for next time”.

DecomposingComposers · 02/05/2019 11:49

The fact that the woman in this case planned it makes no difference.

The same things apply even if it was planned

she had unprotected sex with a relative stranger and so risked catching an STI (and exposed the baby to the same)

has knowingly conceived a child into a situation where they won't have 2 parents

has given no regard to how the child will feel about the whole situation

has done all of the above in the context of " getting their leg over".

And no, I don't see any of this said to women who are in the situation. When does anyone ever reprimand a woman for not fully considering the impact on the child?

Whatever insults that have been thrown at the OP apply equally to any woman who has had sex without using 2 forms of contraception, one of which must be a condom, because clearly you think they are stupid for risking pregnancy and disease.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 02/05/2019 11:50

I think this is one of the many reasons why casual sex or FWB can be so damaging.

My point of view - from mainly listening to others - people always seem to get hurt by it. One person always seems to end up wanting more or feeling bad because it stops being 'just sex' to them. Feelings get involved.

I think sometimes we don't know enough about who we interact with. We trust they are being honest with us when we know very little about them and are not interested in finding out.

JacquesHammer · 02/05/2019 12:55

I’ve had a FWB for 5 years. It’s just sex. Fortunately because he’s a friend I also know (a) he’s happy to wear a condom because he’s a decent chap and (b) he’s happy to adhere to any choice I make regarding an accidental pregnancy. Which we discussed.

All good and no unfortunate “forced parenthood” situations

Inliverpool1 · 02/05/2019 13:06

@MyShinyWhiteTeeth I totally agree there aren’t many times the arrangement works as both parties intend

Tavannach · 02/05/2019 13:32

I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.”
This “I’m a great guy and want to improve women’s lives” is a slightly out of context admission tbh and has kind of coloured my view of the OP since reading it. He is trying to paint his ex as a Machiavellian mastermind who wilfully lies and traps men.

Absolutely agree 100% - OP is apparently very concerned with improving the lot of random women, and very unconcerned with the woman he was sticking his dick in because she’s a terrible woman and he’s a good bloke.

Please.

Agree with this, and with the rest of @EmptyOtchestra's post. It does seem very unlikely that you'd go to a clinic with a casual shag, and very very unlikely that they'd ask about contraception in front of someone else.

I think the OP has serious issues around women. I'm guessing there's a bit of a Madonna/Whore complex going on, and a poor and troubled relationship with his own mother.
So it's good that he's going to counselling and I respect the fact that he is trying to do the decent thing. Not succeeding totally yet, but trying. He has not completely ignored his responsibilities.

But none of this helps the child. If the woman really is as feckless as she's portrayed here then it's totally irresponsible of the OP to leave his child exclusively in her care.

Coyoacan · 02/05/2019 13:55

IWannaSeeHowItEnds

You make an interesting point in itself, but the people I was referring to were/are taking issue with the woman, in the "she made her bed, now she can lie in it" genre.

PrincessLouis · 02/05/2019 13:56

I have some sympathy OP, but what’s the alternative?

You get to tell her not to continue with her pregnancy - completely unacceptable interference with someone else’s body
The state pays for the child instead of you - it’s not the public’s fault, anyway the state may contribute if the mother claims benefits
No one pays for the child instead of you - may leave the child without the things s/he needs so not acceptable

For me the lesson is not just use condoms but also don’t have sex with someone you don’t know / trust - old fashioned maybe but you wouldn’t risk a financial commitment like this with just anyone in any other aspect of your life - would you take on a joint mortgage with a random pretty girl you’d just met???

Maraki12 · 02/05/2019 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Erythronium · 02/05/2019 16:34

He knew this could happen. He talked to her about abortion before they'd even had sex. He took zero precautions himself even though he knew he didn't want to be a father. He thought abortion would be his answer if she got pregnant because he'd ejaculated into her without bothering to use protection.

Poor man.

I don’t think you should have to support a child that was forced on you but unfortunately for you, that’s not how the law sees it.

Unless he was forced to have sex or had his sperm stolen from him in some bizarre scenario he didn't have a child forced upon him. His words might have said one thing, but he did the actions that cause a pregnancy.

IndianaJonesAndTheTempleOfDoom · 02/05/2019 16:35

Well firstly, i will direct you to my previous post below and secondly, it's not my business how casually people bring babies into this world. It is everyone's business when they decide they will take no personal responsibility for them. She isn't doing that is she?

If I knew a woman who took no personal responsibility for contraception, then got pregnant and then let the father of the baby raise the baby with no actual real input from her, I'd think just as badly of her. Lest anyone think this is just the poor menz getting a bashing.

IndianaJonesAndTheTempleOfDoom · 02/05/2019 16:36

He thought abortion would be his answer if she got pregnant because he'd ejaculated into her without bothering to use protection.

Nice eh. Just go sort yourself out an abortion love, I couldn't possibly pull out or do anything else. BTW Op you sound incredibly boring magnificent in bed.

IndianaJonesAndTheTempleOfDoom · 02/05/2019 16:38

has knowingly conceived a child into a situation where they won't have 2 parents

Well every child has got two parents. Some are just shitter than others and don't feel obliged to the parenting work because they're in a union.

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