Forced Parenthood AIBU?

[FP22]

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

Do you pay child maintenance for your son by the way? 50-50 custody often means that a parent doesn't have to.

People have said that you risked STDs by not using a condom, but you also put her at risk.

Why is that not on the woman? Why is the OP responsible for both himself and her but the woman is responsible for no one?

You know OP, you knew this could happen, you planned for this scenario because you talked about abortion before you put your penis anywhere near her.

I had a similar discussion with my first boyfriend before sleeping with him. I made it clear that were I to become pregnant that I would have a termination. I didn't think that I was going to get pregnant. It was just a general "this is how I feel" conversation.

I certainly didn't say it because I "knew" anything was likely to happen.

OP:

My mum got pregnant by accident at 20. My dad was 18. He was never in my life, never even had a photo of me. Knew nothing about me. Bought up a stepson full time tho! I can’t tell you how much it has impacted my life, self esteem and happiness knowing that he wasn’t interested. He tried to get to know me when I was a late teen but I could tell he wasn’t interested in actually being my dad and I was just an occasional novelty, a curiosity to him. I ended contact in the end. It was too hard and upsetting.

Put aside how fucked off you are with the girl you slept with. You have valid reasons for being pissed off. But: That’s happened and done now. Seperate that from the fact that soon a little person will enter the world who is a part of you. There’s no reason you won’t love this child just as much as your current child. Your child will need you and want you around. How can you pick and choose which of your children you want to parent? You will regret this decision in the future.

You will regret this decision in the future.

How do you know this? You just can't. He might or he might not.

People make all sorts of choices - some women have terminations, some women give up children for adoption - some regret those decisions, some make peace with them.

How can you judge who will or won't regret anything?

What is the matter with you compost. Let him keep his options open.

@decomposingcomposers In my view, if the OP fought for 50/50 custody for his current child and the child means the world to him, then I’d have thought he’d have the heart to one day feel sad about his other long lost kid.

Dontcomeinmygarden

Maybe he will and maybe he won't. I don't think any of us can say one way or another.

I love my children with all of my heart but if I were to get pregnant now I would have a termination absolutely so my feelings for 2 children do not guarantee feelings for a future child.

It is up to OP to decide how to move forwards from here.

Do get the DNA test. By the way, you're sure she actually IS pregnant aren't you?
Do keep up with the counselling. And really think about how you will deal with it if your second child turns up wanting to know why you had no presence in their life. The way it reads right now I think a child (even grown up) could hear, 'your mum was an awful person so I didn't want you - I only had enough love for one son, or at the very least - you were unwanted'. And will you tell your son he has a sibling that he cannot see or wait till he finds out? It's easy to think, 'I'll just tell the truth' but you have to understand there could be a huge impact on both your kids. And part of the truth is you don't want this child and resent it's existence - will you actually say that, even in a sub-text? This isn't about guilt-tripping you into anything, and I can see there are enormous obstacles in whatever you choose, just please do thoroughly explore it all properly.

I totally support you with this, same thing happened to my husband but she turned up when the child was 5 and he had no idea about the kid, he was forced by courts to do DNA proved it was his so now he has to pay rediculas amounts of CS each month and our children(that we had before this woman showed up) suffer because we can barely survive because of these payments.

As far as we were concerned she went ahead and had thechild without ever telling my husband so it should have been on her. But the law said otherwise and its a bloody joke

All these men who don't know sex makes babies. Sex education is obviously failing miserably in schools.

Here's a little brush up on the facts of life:

leavingbio.net/human-reproduction/

@HeadSpace1
In that situation, it's really unfair. She was quite happy to be a single parent. Didn't give him a chance to know that baby and see it grow, then she turns up 6 years after sleeping with him demanding money. It shouldn't be allowed. If it was possibly to live off your wage alone, I wouldn't blame him if he quite work and just stayed home with your kids... now I'm going to hide before the people of mumsnet chase me with pitch forks.

@theinvestigator i agree

I totally support you with this, same thing happened to my husband but she turned up when the child was 5 and he had no idea about the kid, he was forced by courts to do DNA proved it was his so now he has to pay rediculas amounts of CS each month and our children(that we had before this woman showed up) suffer because we can barely survive because of these payments.
As far as we were concerned she went ahead and had thechild without ever telling my husband so it should have been on her. But the law said otherwise and its a bloody joke

Are you kidding me? It should have been on her?! He made sure it was “on her” when he ejacuiated in her. This is not complicated.

These men really know how to do a number on women, don’t they?

@EmptyOrchestra

The problem with that scenario is that she knew she was pregnant and said nothing. Had a baby and said nothing. Raised the kid and said nothing. He didn’t even get the chance to be a dad to that child or hold his baby or see them crawl, walk, talk. He didn’t get any of it. Then she decides she wants his money. She didn’t bother to go to him and give him a chance to know his baby but when she needed the money, he was suddenly responsible for it. People shouldn’t get to have it both ways. You choose to exclude someone as completely as she did then you shouldn’t be allowed to raid their wallet years down the line.

@FP22

It may not happen, however you also may end up with two children (and indeed however many more you have) who can’t forgive you for what you’ve done.

Have you really thought about this?

As a child who has half siblings I can assure you that you are playing a high risk game here. Your son and your "unwanted" child should have regular contact, facilitated by you. If you fail in this they may both hate you for it.

You are coming across as a rather stupid man with your assumptions that any contraception is 100% effective. Any time anyone has PIV sex, a baby could be the result. Do you seriously not get this?

HeadSpace1 while her not telling your husband she had had is child is unforgiveable, it may be that she was forced by circumstances to come to him for money later. If she found herself on benefits, she may have been forced to chase the father for payment under threat of sanctions.

I find the people who are siding with you, OP, are people who want you to punish the child because of the actions of the mother. Are you cool with that? We are talking about your child here.

I hope this means you’re going to stop getting drunk and having unprotected sex now! Their are consequences for that sort of behaviour and this is it. You should at least insist on a DNA test to make sure. I think this is an interesting thread. The issue is it’s her word against yours. If people like you were allowed to “opt out” and say “I was tricked so I’m not paying” then surely everyone who wanted to avoid responsibility would do that. How do we ever prove that what you say is true? Unless you have a video of that conversation there’s no evidence. When she said she was allergic to conforms you should have walked away. You had that choice. The pill is not 100% effective and everyone knows that and you still decided to dip your wick more than once. That’s reckless I’m afraid.

I completely agree with you. You have been tricked into something life changing and it is totally unfair. Personally I don’t think you should have to support a child that was forced on you but unfortunately for you, that’s not how the law sees it. Also, changing the law would set a very dangerous precedent. I imagine there are a lot of men out there who would love to claim they were tricked into having a baby just so that they could avoid paying maintenance.

And to all of those people who say you were naive and should have used a latex free condom - you had no reason to suspect she wasn’t taking the pill, especially after she said she didn’t want kids. I don’t think any of this was your fault. Although next time I expect you’ll wear a condom!

Coyoacan that's a bloody ridiculous thing to say. No one wants to punish the child. Some of us just think it's better for a child to not have a father than have one who is resentful of being forced into parenthood. I believe dipping in and out of a child's life is detrimental to that child's wellbeing. Where there is going to be so much animosity between the parents, co parenting will be virtually impossible, especially if the mother obstructs it and by her selfish behaviour do far, this seems likely.
Ideally he would want to be a parent and the mother would facilitate the relationship, but none of that is happening, so you work with what you have and make what you think is the best choice.
If you have to defraud someone to get a baby, there is never going to be a good outcome

If I knew a woman who took no personal responsibility for contraception, then got pregnant and then let the father of the baby raise the baby with no actual real input from her, I'd think just as badly of her. Lest anyone think this is just the poor menz getting a bashing.

Come on OP, if you're real, and god I hope you aren't, you can do every other weekend. That's the least you could do.

And to all of those people who say you were naive and should have used a latex free condom - you had no reason to suspect she wasn’t taking the pill, especially after she said she didn’t want kids. I don’t think any of this was your fault. Although next time I expect you’ll wear a condom!

Withdrawal method used correctly is actually 96% effective. Condoms are 98%

So actually he could have taken his little peepee out and made his life significantly easier but that wouldn't have been as much fun. So instead he trusted a casual fling to use contraception properly.

He trusted a casual fling to be responsible for his whole life and money for the next 18 years and to tell him the tuth about her sti staus.

Can you even begin with how stupid that is.

Then he came on here to ask a bunch of mothers to absolve him for being a feckless nob head who doesn't support his human child.

And to all of those people who say you were naive and should have used a latex free condom - you had no reason to suspect she wasn’t taking the pill, especially after she said she didn’t want kids

This was a casual partner. It wasn’t someone he’d developed any trust with.

He took a major risk with both his sexual health and a possibly pregnancy. It backfired.

well said Indiana - I would love to hear from the woman in question, its so easy to say 'i was tricked' 'she lied' oh whatever, OP you dont want the child, you dont want the woman, you just wanted a leg over! ha, got a bit more than you bargained for and now you whine, hey ho!

The more I look at this thread title I actually find it quite offensive. This is not "forced parenthood". Think of eg a Yazidi woman who has been kidnapped and raped and forced to bear children, many of whom were also prevented from going back to their homes to boot. That would be forced parenthood. This is just an unexpected pregnancy!