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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forced Parenthood AIBU?

883 replies

FP22 · 30/04/2019 16:29

First off I completely acknowledge that this will divide opinion, i may be criticised but I’m looking for genuine thoughts and feedback.

The situation is this, the beginning of last year I was casually seeing a girl. We were both of the knowledge it was casual. She told me she was on the pill and that she was allergic to condoms and never wanted kids, everything seemed fine. 3/4 months in she tells me she is pregnant and I find out she was never on the pill and that now she wants a relationship with me.

This came as quite a shock to me and I felt betrayed, used and tricked into something I never wanted and to that point I was clear about. I made it clear I wanted to have nothing to do with it now or in the future and she decided to go ahead.

Fast forward and I’m now being chased for child support and being told to take responsibility.

I consider myself a good person. I have a 3 year old who I fought to have 50/50 custody of who I absolutely adore and would do anything for. I work hard, I’m a firefighter and consider myself to be a socialist. I care about people and I have actively sort to improve the lives of women in my industry in my role as a union leader.

My over arching question and battle I’m having with myself is why should I be held responsible for something which I was effectively tricked into and something I then had no control over?

Help!!!

OP posts:
AngryFeminist · 01/05/2019 15:49

I'm not clear whether or not this was deliberate manipulation on her part because she actively wanted to get pregnant. If so, that's horrendous and you have my sincere empathy - you should have been able to trust her. I would say there is something happening with her psychologically if she's done this as these are not the actions of a stable person.

That said, even if she did manipulate you I think you have to consider only the welfare of the child here. He or she is yours, and your actions will impact them all their life. It's them you need to think about doing right by - by all means get the support you need to come to terms with her betrayal but do it from a place of 'my child is here now, whatever the circumstances of their arrival.' Long-term, having a father who showed up as much as he could is better than a father who abandoned them - which is how they will feel, no matter the circumstances right now. That doesn't have to mean being a 'drop-in dad.'

Good luck and again - my empathy.

Hithere12 · 01/05/2019 15:49

@DecomposingComposers Hmm you are the one making assumptions desperate to make excuses for the OP. I doubt very much she is literally the OTHER SIDE of the country or the OP would have mentioned that to make himself sound more reasonable for not visiting.

Stop trying to baby a grown man. If it’s THAT far away he can get a flight.

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 15:49

I just don't agree that the OP is the only one who needs to face the consequences.

The mother should too. Why is she exempt from bringing the child back to the OP?

SleepingSloth · 01/05/2019 15:52

if an ‘accident’ happened, we were both of the same opinion about termination. All of that was a lie on the other persons behalf.*

I think you were seriously naive about this part. As a woman I could not agree to aborting a child in this situation as I wouldn't know how I would feel if I actually got pregnant. I don't think it's the sort of decision you can make in advance and I say that as someone who is pro choice.

In this situation this woman was wrong to deceive you about contraception but it sounds as though if she got pregnant you would have been annoyed if she changed her mind on your 'agreement' to abort. The reality of actually being pregnant is different from discussing one that doesn't yet exist.

DecomposingComposers · 01/05/2019 15:52

Stop trying to baby a grown man. If it’s THAT far away he can get a flight.

Hilarious. Are you a millionaire or something? Do you not understand that people don't have money to burn like this?

Why does the OP have to pay for the fact the mother moved away? Why are you not insisting that it is her that has to do the travelling given that she is the one that moved?

IndianaJonesAndTheTempleOfDoom · 01/05/2019 15:57

I think you would feel very differently about these scenarios. An accident is very different to a deliberate act isn't it?

Makes zero fucking difference to the child.

Missingstreetlife · 01/05/2019 15:57

Decomposed.why don't you read what I said. She may not be willing, or she may be willing to do half, or have dc1 to stay later. Dc1 is 3 btw so won't be in school. Fuck off and stop being an arse. Quite clear that op has gone moody on both his baby mothers. He can abandon his child but it won't be the right thing. He knows that but it doesn't fit his self image of mr nice guy victim. Get real op and don't be so arrogant

IndianaJonesAndTheTempleOfDoom · 01/05/2019 15:59

Hilarious. Are you a millionaire or something? Do you not understand that people don't have money to burn like this

Yeah, that's why I wouldn't have unprotected sex with a stranger.

🤰

IndianaJonesAndTheTempleOfDoom · 01/05/2019 16:00

Think the OP is lucky. He learned a valuable lesson and gets a cute baby and not HIV.

Original poster
FP22 · 01/05/2019 16:02

Thank you to those who have either given me constructive criticism, assessment of the situation and also personal support/understanding.
There is no answer that would satisfy every party. I am certainly not at the present moment going to play a part in this child’s life. I’m not going to repeat myself why, everything is on the thread. However, this has provoked me to question every element of the situation and I can live with the outcome I chose. This is about choice, just as the mother had her choices. The baby doesn’t get a dad and she knew that from the outset, I’m upset but few it is in the overall best interest of everyone that this decision can effect.

I highly doubt that anybody in this group and especially those that bring me as a person into question have never made an error in judgement. This will not dictate my life and the life I am able to provide for my elder son, who I love a cherish.

I don’t know if I will ever let go of the resentment I have for the mother, that is mostly fuelled by how her choices were not fair on that child that we’re predicated on lies and a desire to do something that was not the understanding of both parties.

Nobody here has to like it. This was never about a pity party, I could go to my group of mates for that. I have always said this was about testing my own opinion, thoughts & feelings. Iv done that and I don’t know what more I will get out of engaging any further.

I will financially support and feel like I’m clear about why that is the right thing to do. To have a relationship with the child is a bit beyond me at this present time.

Thank you all again

OP posts:
Lam23 · 01/05/2019 16:08

@fp22 that’s all very nice and rational but watch this space. As I previously mentioned my dd father has, 4.5 years down the line, started harassing me for contact to absolve his guilt, after years of dismissing me and dd and being angry she existed. It’s no way to live with yourself if you do believe you are a good person. Remember what posters on this thread have said about your future partner/s and how they might view this as evidence that you are not in fact a good guy. And most of all remember that your child could show up in 15,20 years and that will hopefully make it real to you.
Good luck.

SleepingSloth · 01/05/2019 16:21

To have a relationship with the child is a bit beyond me at this present time

That is up to you of course, although I think you will regret this based on the fact that you seem to be a good dad to your other child. At this present time? As long as you don't expect that you can turn up wanting access to this child at age 5 or 10 when they will be settled into their life and possibly have a step dad and turn this child's world upside down.

DeftandGlory · 01/05/2019 16:27

FP22 I think that sounds like a good and reasonable choice actually.

In and out parents are the worse.Unsettling for everyone not least the child. Maybe you’ll be able to have an adult relationship with your child in 15 years time. Maybe not.

Whilst I don’t think you are blameless in conception, I would hope the babies mother will let you be. It will be tough and you will get a backlash but children manage well enough without a parent, if done in the right way. And that’s up to the mother; the responsibly that comes with choice you don’t get.

Hithere12 · 01/05/2019 16:29

Hilarious. Are you a millionaire or something? Do you not understand that people don't have money to burn like this?

A MILLIONAIRE??! 😂😂😂 You can’t be serious? It costs £50 to fly from London to Manchester, it is cheaper than the train! You think you need to be a millionaire to afford a UK FLIGHT? Have you never left your home town? Jeez

Lam23 · 01/05/2019 16:32

@sleepingsloth “As long as you don't expect that you can turn up wanting access to this child at age 5 or 10 when they will be settled into their life and possibly have a step dad and turn this child's world upside down”
Which as I say is exactly what has happened to me and dd now. Of her bio dad I just think: once selfish, always selfish. Hence my warning to the OP.

Meandwinealone · 01/05/2019 16:40

This child is going to be fucked up good and proper.
Imagine having a dad that loves one child but not the other
That’s epic

Motheroffeminists · 01/05/2019 16:41

@FP22 when your child is old enough to ask about you and why he or she doesn't see you or even thinks they don't have a dad, what do you hope your ex will say to him or her?

I have a 4 yo ds who has met his dad once when he was a baby. He pays maintenance but has nothing else to do with him. Recently ds asked about him. He's asked why doesn't his dad like him or love him and why doesn't he see him. Why doesn't he see his brother who incidentally his dad fought for and got residency. I asked him recently about contact and he said he'd get back to me. That was at Christmas and I've heard nothing since.

His dad threatened suicide when I told him I was pregnant. He wanted me to have an abortion. He too didn't use condoms and knowingly had sex knowing that I wasn't well protected as the pill didn't suit me. I wanted more children, he didn't. He refused to take precautions and hey hob hello little baby 9 months later. I adore my ds. He's the best thing ever and I've no regrets. My ex hates me and has poisoned his their son and his whole family against me. Mummy why don't I have a grandad? I can't tell him it's because no one gives a shit can I? I'm a single mum of 3. Raising 3 children alone is hard. But it's also amazing and I'm grateful every day for my amazing children. I feel sad for their dads that they are missing out on the love and joy they bring. My 2 DDs so see their dad but he isn't involved in their every day lives and he's missing out as are they but he made his choice.

So please think about your child and how he or she will feel in the future about you and about themselves.

Motheroffeminists · 01/05/2019 16:44

Oh and he's got another child to a contraceptive failure from when he was about 20 so he didn't live and learn. That child is now 25 and can't be arsed with his dad because of his attitude. He's a lovely lad too and will hopefully get to meet his brother soon.

AssassinatedBeauty · 01/05/2019 16:45

@FP22 what are you planning on saying to your elder child when they ask you why they never knew or met their sibling, and why you weren't interested in them at all?

Missingstreetlife · 01/05/2019 16:55

Your public service employer will provide counselling, its confidential and free. I think you could use a few sessions to work though your justifiable anger and move to a better place.
Don't you understand you are denying your boy his sibling, as well as your baby a dad. You will always probably resent this woman, but you can work together as parents.

Original poster
FP22 · 01/05/2019 17:04
  • Im already having counselling as many struggling to trust people as a result and don’t want to have negative feelings/emotions.
  • I can only tell my son and this child the truth in the future. That this was only viable choice I saw given the circumstances.
OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 01/05/2019 17:04

I don’t think any of your posts are going to convince this OP, because his mind has been made up. We’ve all agreed that what the mum did was appalling, but we’ve been trying to show him that the baby is a separate person from his mum, and it’s that baby who will pay the price ultimately. This is your DS’s sibling at the end of the day.

I’m afraid you’re coming across as seriously cold, OP.

Lizzie48 · 01/05/2019 17:05

Okay, I was too harsh, OP. But if you don’t work through your emotions, that is what you’ll end up being like. Well done for getting therapy.

JacquesHammer · 01/05/2019 17:07

I can only tell my son and this child the truth in the future

If I were you I’d make sure I was prepared for the fall out. It may not happen, however you also may end up with two children (and indeed however many more you have) who can’t forgive you for what you’ve done.

Meandwinealone · 01/05/2019 17:08

But if doesn’t matter how you feel now. It matters how an innocent child feels when he asks why his dad loves his other child and not him. And regardless of the reasons that child is going to be really damaged by that prospect. Don’t hurt the child who needs love because of how you feel about the mother. It will haunt you in the long run