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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH elder son should not be sleeping in his mums bed everynight?

308 replies

babybelqueen · 30/04/2019 12:49

My DH had a previous relationship , and has a lovely son who is 10 years old.. will be going into secondary school next year. He is bright, clever funny and just does what normal kids do. We get on really well.

Anyway, my DH and his ex only speak purely for the sake of their son which I understand ( I never get involved in any conversation as it is not my place , he is their child and that is that )

BUT me and DH are starting to become concerned about the fact that he is openly honest about sleeping in his mums bed every night -

I have an 18 month old, so I have no idea whether this is normal or not? The only thing I can link it to, is because maybe of his parents splitting when he was young and now he sometimes feels insecure?

But also when he comes and stops with us, he is more than happy to sleep alone in his own room.

I just don't want him to go to secondary school and get picked on because of it, and neither does his Dad.

What are your thoughts, is this normal ?

OP posts:
Marilynmansonsthermos · 01/05/2019 21:02

Think it's fine at age 10..a bit on the older age range but he will probably stop when he gets to 12 ish. I wouldn't be worried.

Lovely13 · 01/05/2019 21:03

I remember doing it in my mum’s bed aged about 10. Didn’t sleep a wink, but loved the security. Mine did it when younger. Can’t see what’s wrong with it. It’s safety when you’ve had a bad dream or a storm etc.

SparklyLeprechaun · 01/05/2019 21:06

Ha, it's musical beds in my house. Not a single night goes by without one or the other of the kids sneaking into our bed. They are 8 and 10, the 10yo isn't doing it that often anymore but hasn't stopped completely either.

GlomOfNit · 01/05/2019 21:25

This is such a lovely thread. All these cuddly children being allowed access to their parents at nightime. Smile

Benjaysmum · 01/05/2019 21:26

Babybelqueen ,my son is nearly 12 , highschool in August and he loves to do this , tells me and his dad to make space for him😯 ( he's bigger than me 🤣) I think it's pretty normal ? Haven't actually even really thought about it until your post tbh , but tell your DH it's more common than he thinks 😊

JemSynergy · 01/05/2019 21:41

My 9 year old regularly sleeps in my bed. Sometimes I'll have both my 11 year old and 9 year old in my bed. My 11 year old wasn't feeling great yesterday and so I actually asked him if he wanted to sleep in my bed, always seems to comfort my children when not well. My children don't discuss it at school.

Bumblebeesmum · 01/05/2019 22:20

Might he be mentioning it because he doesn’t like going to bed alone at yours?

My children are almost 7 & 5 & go to sleep in my bed & are carried to their rooms at 10/11 when I go to bed. Fairly regularly one or other or both have appeared again in the small hours & climbed in again. I love that they feel able to do this. When I was young it wasn’t acceptable to my parents & so my younger siblings used to climb in to my bed instead. It’s normal to want company.

I don’t think 10 is normal as in ‘the norm’ but I don’t think it’s something to be concerned about. Sounds like he’s close to his Mum which is great. Sharing it with you sounds really open too which is also great.

Mymomsbetterthanyomom · 01/05/2019 22:24

My son came from college recently,he's 3 hours away.He fell asleep in my bed while he was filling me in on all of his college life.That was the happiest 20 minutes I've had in quite a while.💙

ApplesinmyPocket · 01/05/2019 22:24

"I slept in with my mum from around the age of 12 up until about 15. I was 9 when they divorced. I just felt safer in with my mum."

Yes! My Mum was widowed when I was 9. From then on till I was about 16 (yes 16!) I often used to ask her to sleep in my double bed and she would grumble a bit then trudge along bearing her pillow. I felt so much happier and safer when she was there.

I always allowed my DDs in with me whenever they wanted. If DH was away we'd set up a cosy bed with all of us in it and watch TV till sleep time.

There's something very cosy and comforting about it for a child.

NC4Now · 01/05/2019 22:29

DS, 13, is having a bit of a shit time at the moment, after our family split. I said we’d watch his favourite program in my bed tonight because he was looking tired.
He’s now starfished across and snoring his head off. He hasn’t slept so well in weeks.
I might decamp to the spare bed when I actually need to sleep, but for now it’s nice.

JustCallMeSliths · 01/05/2019 22:31

When I saw this I was expecting lots of "no, that's weird and unhealthy" rubbish. I'm so happy I was wrong that all these kids are getting the cuddles and comfort they need. Grin

tolerable · 02/05/2019 06:38

@mymumsbetterthanyomom. I hear you.my ds2 is nearly 9,his big bro is 23.he left for uni and once 3rd yr got a really nice flat share.i took ds 2 to stay over.it wasnt actually the plan but we all crashed out on the big bed watching a movie. they dont stay wee long.

TheLittleDogLaughed · 02/05/2019 07:39

I’m not sure every night is a good thing but now and again is fine. When I was a single mum I shared a bed with dd for about 3 years. Then I met dh-to-be and after a while we moved in together. It was really painful for dd to get used to me sharing the bed with someone else and she didn’t feel right to come in with me any more though we did try. I still feel quite guilty about it now she’s 17 and has awful trouble sleeping.

Mummaofmytribe · 02/05/2019 07:55

Gawd, it was musical beds with my lot. One would be in with us. Another would be in with a sibling. Everyone always started off in their allotted beds but we had years of nighttime decamping. Two DDs and youngest DS were still sharing with each other once or twice a week till early high school although they all stopped coming into ours before end of primary. I thought it was just our weird family😂
Nice thread

ineedaholidaynow · 02/05/2019 08:06

For those saying why would anyone know at school, the OP says he tells his friends at school.

TeenTitans · 02/05/2019 08:28

I used to do this until I was about 14, because my dad worked away and me and my mum both didn't like being alone at night without him in the house. We used to make a great night of watching a movie, getting snacks and camping out in her room. Nothing weird about it.

strawberrisc · 02/05/2019 09:13

My daughter slept on and off in my bed until she was about 13. I'd never turn her away if she was feeling anxious or just wanted company.

winniestone37 · 02/05/2019 10:03

My 10 year old did, then he stopped. It feels like you're looking for reasons to gang up on his Mum?

BlueJag · 02/05/2019 10:10

We have a 13 year old boy. He hasn't shared a bed with us since he was 1. Even when my husband is away he never comes to me.
I guess is a bad habit more than a creepy one. He'll soon wants his bed as teenage it's round the corner.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/05/2019 10:32

For those saying why would anyone know at school, the OP says he tells his friends at school.

I don't think she said that........ unless I missed a post somewhere?

AryaStarkWolf · 02/05/2019 10:35

Oh she did my apologies

he is open about it now at school so guess he may transfer it to his new school.

Still he's in primary, probably half the class still get in their parents beds half the time.

How do you know he's "open about it in school" OP? Has your DH already been quizzing him or something?

BishopofBathandWells · 02/05/2019 11:17

Yeah I can't see why it's a problem and I doubt if my DSD was sleeping in her Mum's bed that my DP would have any problem with it. Not sure why your DH is bothered? If your DSS is fine with it, I don't see why anyone else should care really - I think we put so many adult considerations on kids' behaviour. He just likes being next to his Mum. Can't see anything wrong with that.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/05/2019 11:36

Yeah I can't see why it's a problem and I doubt if my DSD was sleeping in her Mum's bed that my DP would have any problem with it

That's an interesting point you've raised there, I wonder is it to do with with the fact that it's a son rather than a daughter. I wonder if he would give it a second thought if it was his daughter sleeping with her mother

PottyPotterer · 02/05/2019 11:43

Meh my 11 year old ds sleeps in with me once or twice a week (LP). His 12 year old cousin also gets in with his mum when his dad's away. Actually seems quite common, particularly with boys.

aprilshowers12 · 02/05/2019 11:45

Ds slept in my bed until secondary school. Dd slept until around 13 I guess. They took it in turns each night and on the night it wasn’t their turn slept happily alone. We’re adult for such a long time and childhood is for so few years that I think whatever brings comfort and happiness has to be a positive thing. Both children were happy, popular and well adjusted.