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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH elder son should not be sleeping in his mums bed everynight?

308 replies

babybelqueen · 30/04/2019 12:49

My DH had a previous relationship , and has a lovely son who is 10 years old.. will be going into secondary school next year. He is bright, clever funny and just does what normal kids do. We get on really well.

Anyway, my DH and his ex only speak purely for the sake of their son which I understand ( I never get involved in any conversation as it is not my place , he is their child and that is that )

BUT me and DH are starting to become concerned about the fact that he is openly honest about sleeping in his mums bed every night -

I have an 18 month old, so I have no idea whether this is normal or not? The only thing I can link it to, is because maybe of his parents splitting when he was young and now he sometimes feels insecure?

But also when he comes and stops with us, he is more than happy to sleep alone in his own room.

I just don't want him to go to secondary school and get picked on because of it, and neither does his Dad.

What are your thoughts, is this normal ?

OP posts:
audweb · 19/07/2021 15:57

@cliquewhyohwhy

I have two sons 6&7 and they never share my bed. Only the odd time when ill. If he is sharing her bed every night then yeah it is wrong. If his friends found out I'm sure they would unfortunately make fun of him.
What’s wrong with it? My 8 year old chooses to sleep in my bed, I’m a lone parent and so it’s me, her and the cat together. There’s nothing wrong with humans wanting company especially when perhaps they feel insecure or anxious. Her friends have no idea, and I’m sure she’ll grow out of it soon(ish).

We never judge adults for sharing a bed, yet we expect children to sleep alone. I find that weird.

noirchatsdeux · 19/07/2021 16:04

@BigusBumus You aren't the only one. My parents never let any of us sleep in their bed, at any age.

aiwblam · 19/07/2021 16:06

She loves him and he loves her. This is fine.

BungleandGeorge · 19/07/2021 16:12

Does he have his own room aswell? If he has a room that he can hang out in, take friends to, has option of sleeping in but chooses to sleep with mum I think no problem at all, he’ll just stop doing it when he wants and his friends will never know. If he doesn’t have his own bed in a different room I think that’s less than ideal

Maggiesfarm · 19/07/2021 16:14

@MerryMarigold

My 13yo son sometimes sleeps with me or dh (we don't share a bed due to snoring) abs my kids take it in turns. I have a 10yo ds too. All my kids love sleeping with us or someone. They can sleep alone too but just prefer company. I'm sure he'll grow out of it on his own. No one in school needs to know.
That.

Mine did the same. We always wondered what people would think but one day a group of friends, including my children, were talking and I overheard nearly all of them saying they slept in mum and dad's bed, or beds, with parents, and fell about laughing at the thought that probably everybody did! Of course there was one who said their mum would never have that.

It's isn't abnormal at all. In some cultures it is more accepted than in ours.

It stops eventually.

Kanaloa · 19/07/2021 16:16

It’s not wrong in any way. It’s also obviously not pointing to a huge issue, he can sleep on his own but prefers to sleep with his mum, who obviously doesn’t mind.

Guavafish · 19/07/2021 16:20

It’s normal

hawkehurstgang · 19/07/2021 16:20

In many cultures it is perfectly normal.

2bazookas · 19/07/2021 16:23

It's highly unlikely any of his school mates will know. so there won't be a problem.

nokidshere · 19/07/2021 16:24

I am not just 'throwing it out there' going to secondary school is a complete different ball game to primary school. It can take just one comment or a mistake comment by my DH son about sleeping in bed with his mum and thatt can set off bullying...all we are doing is looking out for him.

Firstly, it's far from uncommon for children to share with their parents and, secondly, he's hardly going to be telling everyone at school his bedtime arrangements. Although even if he did, any resulting bullying would be dealt with as with bullying for any other reason.

And since he sleeps alone at yours it's obviously not an issue that really needs dealing with. Maybe he'd like to sleep with his dad but can't because you are there. It's only an issue when he thinks it is, no one else needs to be involved.

Lemonmelonsun · 19/07/2021 16:25

If dh and I broke up I'd imagine dd sleeping with me would be normal.
There is nothing wrong with it and I also can't understand why it's your business.

Antwerpen · 19/07/2021 16:26

@judgejudyrocks

Not normal, unless they are ill.
In what way is it ‘not normal’? Not particularly common maybe, but in no way abnormal Hmm
NoNever · 19/07/2021 16:27

It’s completely fine.

Honestly, I think your DH is just looking to find fault here because he doesn’t really like his ex. I also wonder if you like him finding fault with her because is makes you the “better mum.”

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 19/07/2021 16:29

@BigusBumus You aren't the only one. My parents never let any of us sleep in their bed, at any age.

We didnt in my house either. And it's not so much that they "didn't let us" i just don't remember ever wanting to at all. I had my own comfortable bed and was happy in it.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 19/07/2021 16:32

And while I wouldnt say there's anything wrong with it I don't think it is usual or common for a ten year old to routinely sleep in their parent's bed, and I think peers at that age would express surprise and would possibly consider it babyish.

HoppingPavlova · 19/07/2021 16:32

One of mine would come in to us and sleep every night until they were around 14yo. At that point they were 6’ so the bed was more than squishy. To be honest, over 10 years on I miss it! They grow out if it.

It’s not like they went and hopped in the teachers bed at school camp so no reason for friends to know or pick in them.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 19/07/2021 16:36

Not normal.
Once he hits puberty however he won't be in your bed.

CandidaAlbicans78 · 19/07/2021 16:37

I would never have though it was in anyway sinister, but when my eldest 2 were little I would have wondered why a 10 year old needed to, even though I co slept with them as littlies. But now my third is 7.5 and still needs me to lay with him while he goes to sleep.... Frankly if I was a single mum again and had a nice big bed, I'd save the hassle and he would just bunk in with me I imagine. After seeing the massive change in my middle son from 10-12, I'd be pretty sure he will put a stop to it himself.

noirchatsdeux · 19/07/2021 16:38

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland I remember very occasionally wanting to, especially during bad thunderstorms (Far North Queensland) but both parents made it clear it wasn't an option.

Iseeyoulookingatme · 19/07/2021 16:38

Me and stbexh split up 2 months ago and my ds is 8 years old and sleeps in the bed with me. I don't have a problem with it. He just feels more secure in the same room as me, and is extra attached at the moment. I cant see a problem op, why would anyone know that he sleeps in his mums bed? If he feels more secure next to his mum, what's the problem?

SusannahSophia · 19/07/2021 16:39

Zombie thread that one poster keeps bumping. Confused

Why don’t you start your own thread Mummalove22?

Cam2020 · 19/07/2021 16:41

🧟‍♀️

Mummalove22 · 19/07/2021 16:43

I find it completely normal especially for
Single
Mothers there bond is a lot
Closer with there children sense of a team that sticks togther my son is 14 now I’ve been single mother for 8 yrs he has shared my bed ever since the separation.... only advice I can give to mums is never go to bed naked after a big night and forget 😬

GintyMcGinty · 19/07/2021 16:44

What is with all the zombie threads?

Nocutenamesleft · 19/07/2021 16:44

My grandfather lived in a two bedroom house with 26 other people not long after the war ended.

Shortage of houses meant everyone clumped together.

Other countries do this a lot and isn’t strange.