To think my DH elder son should not be sleeping in his mums bed everynight?

[babybelqueen]

My DH had a previous relationship , and has a lovely son who is 10 years old.. will be going into secondary school next year. He is bright, clever funny and just does what normal kids do. We get on really well.

Anyway, my DH and his ex only speak purely for the sake of their son which I understand ( I never get involved in any conversation as it is not my place , he is their child and that is that )

BUT me and DH are starting to become concerned about the fact that he is openly honest about sleeping in his mums bed every night -

I have an 18 month old, so I have no idea whether this is normal or not? The only thing I can link it to, is because maybe of his parents splitting when he was young and now he sometimes feels insecure?

But also when he comes and stops with us, he is more than happy to sleep alone in his own room.

I just don't want him to go to secondary school and get picked on because of it, and neither does his Dad.

What are your thoughts, is this normal ?

I think it’s more ‘normal’ than you think. We are not meant to sleep alone, just modern western society make us think we should, and anything else is wrong. Mine, more often than not, are in my bed. It works for us. We are far from affluent and they are fairly NT and well adjusted.

I am not so much bothered , it is more my DH who is concerned rather than bothered, he is open about it now at school so guess he may transfer it to his new school.

That reminds me of when dh would travel the 3 kids would do a rota of who would sleep with me. Probably lasted to about age 10 or 11 with DS - a bit longer with the girls. I miss it. I think pp makes a good point about us not being meant to sleep alone.

DS (9) likes to sleep iny bed when he's feeling 'poorly' (I don't see any signs of him being/feeling unwell so I think he just likes to be close sometimes). My DD(8) always wants to sleep with me when OH is doing nightshift and often asks him to sleep in her bed other times so she can stay with me.

Abandonment issues?

There are so many posts on here from step parents quarrying their SCs behaviour when it’s more than likely a result of the breaks down of their parents relationship.

He Has never been abandoned ( I think that may be a strong term ) - He has always known that his Mum and Dad love him dearly.

My 10 yr old dd does too. She’s going to secondary next year. I’m sure it will stop soonish. We were burgled a few years ago when we in bed were asleep and dd has slept with me ever since. None of her friends know so no chance of bullying.

I think he'll say when he's ready, maybe he likes the comfort.
Nobody is going to know unless he tells them, and I doubt he'd feel the need tbh.
I don't know why you are concerning yourself when you say you don't get involved.

I suspect its more common than we think. Colleagues son does this, she's a single mum too. They have separate beds but most of the time they share. She says it's cuddly and that it helps him feel secure.

But kids often grow out of it naturally so I wouldn't try to do anything about it. A 10 Yr old boy is v different from a 13 Yr old boy.

It'll evolve by itself.

thisisalliwant Sleep together if you want. But traditionally family slept together (and family meant all members of the household including in laws, friends, servants, etc), because it was safer and warmer to sleep together. It is only when people became rich enough to afford safe secure well heated houses with separate bedrooms, that people stopped sleeping together as a household. I mention this because I don't think automatically sleeping together as a family is what everyone would naturally want. Some people do prefer to sleep alone and sleep better alone. Do what works for you.

One of my adult son's friends slept with her mum every night of her life until she left home. It's not what I would want but it doesn't seem to have had any detrimental effect on the girl who is now a mum of two. She was initially a poor sleeper who co slept and never left. I only knew because I was friends with her mum who told me but it wasn't known at school so not sure why dss's friends would know either.

Cross post. You don’t have to have been abandoned to have abandonment issues. I had them from my childhood and my parents were together. It’s a big thing for children when parents separate and it can trigger such issues even if he is much loved by both parents. Your dss doesn’t necessarily have them, it was just speculation. However my dd was very vocal a few years ago along the lines of “grown ups get to sleep together and they’re big, I’m small, my need is greater”.

I don't get involved in anything this is mainly my DH concerns and he's of course asked me for my opinions on it and what I think . If I didn't care I wouldn't bother , just asking really

fleshmarket 😳😩 was hoping to get the bed back at some stage.

My DS is just 14 and sleeps with me - DH works nights and was always waking me up coming in at 4am so we swop beds when he's on nights...doesnt bother me in the slightest. DS is only child so Im holding on to him as long as poss

Totally fine for him to do this, don’t worry about it.

My 9 year old DS more often than not sleeps in with us, he’s confident, out going, funny, adventurous by day but at night he just needs comfort. I’m confident he’ll grow out of it at some stage!! He is fine being left with a babysitter or if I’m not there, but when I am he wants to be with me.

Having spoken to friends it surprised me how many of them have DC in their beds regularly. So probably not as uncommon as you’d think.

BUT me and DH are starting to become concerned about the fact that he is openly honest about sleeping in his mums bed

As pp said he'll likely grow out of it when he feels the need to. Don't make a big deal out of it and definitely don't try and make him feel ashamed about being honest.

I'm not sure why it is even something to be concerned about to be honest. This is his mother we're talking about, not some random relative or friend.

@Noeuf What do you hate about it? Why don't you put a stop to it if it's making you unhappy?

DS slept with me until he was about 10.

As a baby he was in his cot but when he was about 3 he started coming in to our bed all the time. DH ended up officially moving into the spare room which suited me fine as he snores.

A friend commented when DS was about 7 that it was wrong and I needed to stop it. I said I’d worry if he was still doing it when he was bringing girls home. He gradually stopped in his own time at around 9 or 10.

Teddybear: I think the phrase you were searching for was "a family where the parents are divorced/separated" rather than "broken home"
Unless you are actually Ann Widdecombe.

sobs Thought DS (8) would grow out of this shortly...

I think the fact that he CAN sleep alone means that bullying isn't an issue as it won't come up when he's in high school and if he's at a sleepover or whatever, he'll just get on with things. It would only be an issue if he can't sleep without his mum.

DS loves sleeping with me. It's a Friday night treat and occasionally other days if he's struggling to sleep or whatever. I can see it going on for a bit longer but DS doesn't talk about it much outside I don't think.

I think the main thing is that he's still got a positive relationship with his Dad and that it's not impacting on him emotionally. Some DC really just don't settle in their own rooms or by themselves, and having had one who slept like an angel and another who slept never, I'd hazard that they're just doing what they need to do to survive.

When DH is away my 10-year-old doesn't mind sharing a bed with me. I really don't mind as we can talk before going to bed but he moves a lot during his sleep so has to stay in his bed as a result

10yo DS rarely sleeps with us, but spends at least two nights a week with his older sister, either in her bed or on a mattress on the floor in her room. He hates sleeping alone.