To think my DH elder son should not be sleeping in his mums bed everynight?

[babybelqueen]

My DH had a previous relationship , and has a lovely son who is 10 years old.. will be going into secondary school next year. He is bright, clever funny and just does what normal kids do. We get on really well.

Anyway, my DH and his ex only speak purely for the sake of their son which I understand ( I never get involved in any conversation as it is not my place , he is their child and that is that )

BUT me and DH are starting to become concerned about the fact that he is openly honest about sleeping in his mums bed every night -

I have an 18 month old, so I have no idea whether this is normal or not? The only thing I can link it to, is because maybe of his parents splitting when he was young and now he sometimes feels insecure?

But also when he comes and stops with us, he is more than happy to sleep alone in his own room.

I just don't want him to go to secondary school and get picked on because of it, and neither does his Dad.

What are your thoughts, is this normal ?

I never get involved in any conversation as it is not my place , he is their child and that is that

As you said...
And its fine, he'll stop soon enough

My daughter and I co sleep and have done for 3 years. She is 12. I imagine it'll stop soon but I'm enjoying it while it lasts. Not looking forward to going back to sleeping with DH and the dog!!

No, I don’t think it is normal but you’re right not to get involved. If he’s perfectly able to sleep on his own then it may we’ll be his mother’s needs rather than his own. Maybe she will find a new partner and feel more secure and that will put a natural end to the need to co-sleep.

I think it’s more common that you might think for a child this age to sleep in a parents bed. My husband works away in the week and my nine yr old sleeps with me in the week and his own room at the weekend as my husband doesn’t like to be squashed. I was wondering if your dh ex is single and therefore there is a conveniently empty half of the bed. I wouldn’t worry they change a lot once they start secondary school and will stop wanting to.

Most children with two parents living together wont do this because there simply isnt room in the bed particularly if they have other siblings.

Dd is 9 nearly 10. She can sleep on her own and does so when visiting family or on residential trips but she prefers to sleep in my bed (its just the two of us). When asked why she prefers to sleep in my bed she says its because I am warm and cosy to cuddle like a big teddy bear. I can't particularly think of a good reason why she shouldnt sleep in my bed if she wants to so we carry on. There is no reason anybody at school needs to know.

Not normal but not wrong either. When I split from my exh my then 10 year old wanted to sleep in my bed with me. I think he was unsettled what with the separation and divorce etc. He slept in my bed for a year and then one day just decided he wanted to be back in his own bed.

Also 10 is actually quite young! I know it doesn’t seem it when you have pre schoolers but trust me it’s not a problem.

Also it’s not going to slip out to school friends and if it did they may just agree and say they do too.

My son sleeps in my bed 50-60% of the time, (I sleep apart from my husband because he is a light sleeper and I snore). He has just turned 7 but I can imagine it going on for a while yet.
If your dh’s son’s mother is single she might appreciate the companionship of her son at night, not in an inappropriate way, just the comfort of knowing he is there. Although I’d prefer my son to stay in his own bed I do sometimes think I should enjoy it while it lasts as there will come a time when he won’t want to do it. It’s possible he may be her last child so she is enjoying these opportunities while they last as they all too quickly end. My daughters 9 and 7 aren’t that interested in sleeping in Mummy’s bed but have done on occasion when poorly or had a bad dream. It’s a comfort thing I feel - my son says he feels lonely on his own and I remember that feeling from when I was a child, I was the youngest of three, as is my son (though only by 25 minutes for him!). If your dh’s son starts getting teased at school I imagine he’ll start keeping it to himself, but I don’t see any harm in it.

My 10 year old DS and I always have a bedtime cuddle, mainly after reading when we turn the lights out; we normally chat about the days events and what we’re looking forward to tomorrow. Sometimes he falls asleep and sometimes we both do and I wake up later and get up. He sleeps perfectly well in other people’s houses if I’m not about or if I’m working and I’m still married to my DH (separation anxiety I don’t believe is a factor). I know many other people who spend time at the end of the day cuddling their kids and talking. It will come to an end in its own time but it fits in with my values and beliefs.

My son is 12, and up until fairly recently regularly slept in my bed. Me and his dad split when he was 7, it was a fairly traumatic time, and I wanted to be there for him while he needed me. It’s naturally tailed off now (hormones kicking in!) but it was always fine with me (I sort of miss it).
Yes bullies could have teased him if they knew. But that’s easily solved by not telling them!

As long as he does have the choice of his own bed then it’s fine and normal. My DS10 very occasionally comes and gets in bed with us at night. Not often but sometimes. He has his own bed and most of the time he sleeps there. My DD6 would sleep in my bed every night if I let her but she is a bed hog so I don’t let her every night but some nights she comes and sleeps with us also. She also has her own bed and sleeps in her own bed more nights than she does with us.

The boy is 10 and has parents that are separated which in itself doesn’t mean he’s an insecure child but it could do. Or it could be something completely different. Or maybe he just likes that he is allowed to sleep in his mums bed with her. Maybe mums room has a tv? Either way as long as it’s his choice he will probably grow out of it as the teenage years hit and no one else needs to know unless he tells them. I would curl up in bed with my parents now if I felt I needed comfort or if they needed comfort.

My son is 10 and sleeps in my bed with me every opportunity he gets. His best friend sleeps in his mum’s bed most nights. I think it’s common and normal. So is sleeping in their own bed.

It's uncommon but not that unusual. My 20 year old occasionally wants to snuggle in with me, especially now her dad has moved to the spare room. Nothing beats mum if you are anxious or scared.

Just to repeat what everyone else has said. If he is initiating it and could go in his own bed if he choose with out bring made to feel guilty then it’s not an issue.
My nearly 9 yo would sleep with me every night if she could. She’s got a double bed and sometimes I’ll cuddle her until she falls asleep at her request and she sleeps in my bed of a weekend. I’d prefer it if she didn't because she’s a massive fidgit but she loves it so much.

My 9 year old would happily sleep in my bed every night. I’d let her if she wasn’t so wriggly and I get no sleep when she does. My nephew still slept with my sister til in to his mid teens when he grew over 6ft

I have a stepson and remember thinking it was really weird that he still slept with his mum at 10. I was pretty judgemental about it in my head and thought that it was inappropriate and would be really embarrassing for him at school etc. He is now a wonderful 22 year old who most certainly has no long term effects of this.

I am now a mother and have a 11 year old who will sneak into my bed whenever the opportunity arises, I am pretty sure it will stop soon but he is still very cuddly and young. I look back and realise that I didn't really get kids until I became a mother myself and in all honesty I probably enjoyed being a bit of a judgy arse. (see also bribing, screen time, fussy eating etc etc!)

Mind your own really, my daughter slept in my bed when her dad left until she was nearly teen probably a comfort thing having one parent leaving 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't think it is usual at all. Not that I think it is weird or horrible or anything.
I just do not think it is very good for encouraging the recognition of boundaries independence. 10 is quite a big boy, bit too old. Personal space and all that. Sorry just my opinion.

my ds1 slept in my bed til about 10..couple of years later i struggled to get him sit in the same room for more than 5mins. They might just be in a habit of it.to be honest i often snuck n slept in his bed.its pretty intense when your one parent,one child 6 or 7 nights a week.my ds2 however rarely if ever attempts to come in my bed.he likes a cosy cuddle n story but doesnt share bed. every kids different i think

My only concern would be to make sure that it is his choice and not because his mum needs him. But either way it will priobably sort itself out as he grows up.

It's difficult to know if it's "normal" or not without research but I can't see the problem. I think it's lovely. My kids sleep with us and they're around the same age and younger. It they're happy that's what matters.

What are you going to do with the results of your research? Tell them they need to change their sleeping habits?!!

Not sure why you think he’ll get picked on at school. People don’t tend to discuss their sleeping habits.
There’s nothing wrong with it

Nothing wrong with that at all. Maybe by 13 or 14 it would be odd, but I guarantee the son is the one who will ease away from it before then.

I slept in with my mum from around the age of 12 up until about 15. I was 9 when they divorced. I just felt safer in with my mum. I never slept in my dads bed, the thought didnt cross my mind. My mum and me are very close and have a great relationship. He obviously just feels completely safe with her.

It’s fine. He won’t tell anyone at school and will separate from his mum in his own time, if he really is even in her bed EVERY night.