Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH elder son should not be sleeping in his mums bed everynight?

308 replies

babybelqueen · 30/04/2019 12:49

My DH had a previous relationship , and has a lovely son who is 10 years old.. will be going into secondary school next year. He is bright, clever funny and just does what normal kids do. We get on really well.

Anyway, my DH and his ex only speak purely for the sake of their son which I understand ( I never get involved in any conversation as it is not my place , he is their child and that is that )

BUT me and DH are starting to become concerned about the fact that he is openly honest about sleeping in his mums bed every night -

I have an 18 month old, so I have no idea whether this is normal or not? The only thing I can link it to, is because maybe of his parents splitting when he was young and now he sometimes feels insecure?

But also when he comes and stops with us, he is more than happy to sleep alone in his own room.

I just don't want him to go to secondary school and get picked on because of it, and neither does his Dad.

What are your thoughts, is this normal ?

OP posts:
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 19/07/2021 16:49

I think the fact that happily sleeps in his own room at yours shows he’s relatively secure and happy about sleeping generally. My 11 will still occasionally get in bed with me and DH, especially if it’s cold. He’s fine sleeping alone normally.

CustardySergeant · 19/07/2021 16:54

@Mummalove22

I find it completely normal especially for Single Mothers there bond is a lot Closer with there children sense of a team that sticks togther my son is 14 now I’ve been single mother for 8 yrs he has shared my bed ever since the separation.... only advice I can give to mums is never go to bed naked after a big night and forget 😬
Since he's 14 now do you think your son will share your bed for the foreseeable future?
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/07/2021 16:54

It's a little odd, I suppose.

Both my DSs slept in my bed, as we co-slept from when they were born (Safely) - but not at the same time. DS1 was out by the time I was pg with DS2. DS2 was out by the age of 6, but even now at 8 he'll still creep back in, given half a chance.
I don't like him being in there because he wriggles and kicks!

I wouldn't really want DS1 back in with me either unless he was very unwell or unhappy - at 13, I think he's too big (literally - he's taller than me).

10 is a bit of an interim point - still fairly young but not that young. I'd want him out before he hit puberty if it was me though!

dancealittleclosertome · 19/07/2021 17:00

Very common. We are the only species that seem to want our children sleeping far from us and prioritise sleeping with our sexual partners over our own children. A bit odd really.

Mummalove22 · 19/07/2021 17:02

Well would hope not but there is no press-sure and honestly there doesn’t seem to be any hurry or talk of moving beds just let it take it’s course I enjoy the I company :)

BiBabbles · 19/07/2021 17:13

There is wide spectrum of 'normal', with all sorts of people at each point in it, when it comes to sleeping. Learning discernment in sharing personal details I think is more important to your concerns than where he's sleeping, but that's a tricky topic that comes to make children in time.

I did occasionally at that age, my sister more regularly and for longer - particularly at this time of year when it was easier to set up one big area to be cooler. It neither made us closer nor me more secure, it was purely a functional normal my mother had when my father worked away for several days to weeks at a time. My parents didn't divorce until we were older.

UndertheCedartree · 19/07/2021 17:16

My 9yo often sleeps in my bed. Both my DC stayed in my bed til 4 yo and weren't sleeping much in their own beds til 7 yo. So for us yes completely normal and nothing to be worried about. I doubt they will be talking about where they sleep at secondary school!

greatestdancer · 19/07/2021 17:23

I used to sleep in my mums bed until I was 19. If I stop at her house now I’ll share a bed with her, my mum is the same with my Nan. My mum was a single mum and I’m her only child so maybe that was why, but it was nice to have that closeness with her.

MyriadeOfThings · 19/07/2021 17:28

I think it depends.

Is he sleeping in that bed because he wants to?
Or because his mum is puhing it for her sake?

Different situation, different answers imo

lioncitygirl · 19/07/2021 17:31

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, but I also think some kids can abs will be mean to him if they find out.

CustardySergeant · 19/07/2021 17:34

@lioncitygirl

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, but I also think some kids can abs will be mean to him if they find out.
If that was a reply to the OP, the thread is over two years old.
strawberrydonuts · 19/07/2021 17:36

I can't see why he'd be picked on because of this in secondary school - why would he even be telling his mates about it?

It's a bit unusual but really not your place to say anything about it.

TableFlowerss · 19/07/2021 17:38

You’ll get those that say it’s normal etc much like you’ll get those that will say it’s normal for a 45 year old to be still living with their parents, having never left home, tiny that’s not the norm at all.

It’s the same as parents that breast feed for 4 years when there’s no reason whatsoever to do so but they’ll argue it’s natural etc but most people don’t do that as it no loner benefits the kids.

At 10 years old there’s no reason whatsoever to be sleeping in your parents bed. Yes occasionally or if they’re poorly etc…or a one off but not on a full time basis.

You’re right in being concerned about the poor boy being bullied sleeping in bed with his mam. He’ll think it’s normal when quite clearly it’s not.

Kids need to

TableFlowerss · 19/07/2021 17:41

@Nocutenamesleft

My grandfather lived in a two bedroom house with 26 other people not long after the war ended.

Shortage of houses meant everyone clumped together.

Other countries do this a lot and isn’t strange.

Doesn’t mean it’s not strange here!
Eviethyme · 19/07/2021 17:42

I slept in with my mum til I was 16, I just wanted cuddles

AuntMargo · 19/07/2021 17:50

@cliquewhyohwhy

I have two sons 6&7 and they never share my bed. Only the odd time when ill. If he is sharing her bed every night then yeah it is wrong. If his friends found out I'm sure they would unfortunately make fun of him.
You sound so cold, its certainly is not wrong, he has a very close bond with his mother, clearly your children are missing that !!
RoseAddict · 19/07/2021 17:58

It’s fine and he won’t get bullied because he won’t say anything about it in school. As long as he actually has his own bed people will assume he sleeps in it.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 19/07/2021 18:07

for Single Mothers there bond is a lot
Closer with there children

I'm sorry I don't see why a single parent has any closer of a bond with their children than any other parent.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 19/07/2021 18:08

You sound so cold, its certainly is not wrong, he has a very close bond with his mother, clearly your children are missing that !!

This is incredibly judgy. Not all children want to bedshare and that doesnt mean her children are missing a bond.

Thenose · 19/07/2021 18:20

We don't generally attempt to change childhood behaviours simply because we're concerned that they might be a source of ridicule for bullies, do we?

Imagine:

My child only drinks water, but most of his friends prefer coke, and I'm worried he might be picked on for being uncool. AIBU to consider making the switch to fizzy?

Yesterday, my 10-year-old stubbed his toe in the park and approached me for a cuddle. I'm usually happy to comfort him, but it was pretty busy, and he'll be entering secondary soon: what if one of the kids from the park remembers and bullies him for being a cry-baby? Was IBU to have told him to stay a meter away and straighten his face to protect him from possible future embarrassment?

I don't believe you and your DH are so stupid that you're truly concerned that your dss receiving comfort from his mother now will harm him in the future. I think it's more believable that you're both so inclined to denigrate his mother that you're constructing a problem with her parenting out of thin air.

ittakes2 · 19/07/2021 18:25

My son came into our bed every morning until he was 14.5 years old! He will stop when he is ready. Unless you tell his friends where he sleeps they won’t know.

bogoffmda · 19/07/2021 18:27

MY 13 yr old did this till he was 11, then became brave, then covid hit and regression for both DCS - as they felt insecure.

Eldest back in own bed since Jan but the other week just got scared at the noise and appeared.

I used to stress and it was mil who said they will stop when they are ready - don't worry. one at 11 and one at 9.

Getawaywithit · 19/07/2021 18:30

What did you think you would do about it, OP? Why does your partner think he should interfere in what happens in his ex’s household? Would he welcome her opinions if the situation were reversed?

I think it's more believable that you're both so inclined to denigrate his mother that you're constructing a problem with her parenting out of thin air

I would go with this. An opportunity to have a go disguised as well-meaning.

Maggiesfarm · 19/07/2021 18:33

I think the op genuinely doesn't know if it is, or isn't acceptable. A lot of people don't, especially here in the UK. I hope we have reassured her.

TableFlowerss · 19/07/2021 18:52

@Eviethyme

I slept in with my mum til I was 16, I just wanted cuddles
Did you not get enough attention or cuddles in the day?