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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH elder son should not be sleeping in his mums bed everynight?

308 replies

babybelqueen · 30/04/2019 12:49

My DH had a previous relationship , and has a lovely son who is 10 years old.. will be going into secondary school next year. He is bright, clever funny and just does what normal kids do. We get on really well.

Anyway, my DH and his ex only speak purely for the sake of their son which I understand ( I never get involved in any conversation as it is not my place , he is their child and that is that )

BUT me and DH are starting to become concerned about the fact that he is openly honest about sleeping in his mums bed every night -

I have an 18 month old, so I have no idea whether this is normal or not? The only thing I can link it to, is because maybe of his parents splitting when he was young and now he sometimes feels insecure?

But also when he comes and stops with us, he is more than happy to sleep alone in his own room.

I just don't want him to go to secondary school and get picked on because of it, and neither does his Dad.

What are your thoughts, is this normal ?

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 30/04/2019 16:09

I wouldn’t be so quick to think it’s divorce related.
I’m divorced and my 10yo loves a bed snuggle with me.
My nephew is 11 and his parents are happily married, and he also likes a bed snuggle.

It’s natural, it’s lovely - don’t worry about it!

MyGastIsFlabbered · 30/04/2019 16:13

I've got a 9 year old and a 6 year old and the majority of nights they sleep in my bed. I can't see the harm in it and I'm fairly sure once they become surly teens they won't be caught dead there! I'm enjoying it while I can, they'll be grown up far sooner than I'm ready for.

Original poster
babybelqueen · 30/04/2019 16:16

Ok - I am sure that my DH will be very re-assured following the majority of these posts, he gets worried about the slightest thing bless him!

thank you :)

OP posts:
Pieceofpurplesky · 30/04/2019 16:19

15 yo DS fell asleep on my bed last week. I can't move him so he stayed. Makes me remember why I don't want to share a bed with anyone again 😀

BigusBumus · 30/04/2019 16:20

I'm probably the only one here who thinks its a bit weird. But my kids have never slept in my bed and I didn't sleep in my parents either so what do I know!

BettyDuMonde · 30/04/2019 16:30

I regularly have to chase out my DS (18) DD (7) and our two dogs 🤷‍♀️

clairemcnam · 30/04/2019 16:35

I admit I find it strange that your 18 year old DC would still want to share a bed with you.

pissedonatrain · 30/04/2019 16:41

Ha definitely not something kids would admit to their friends. I miss those days when the kids were around that age and one by one every one would climb in the bed in the evening to watch tv. Then the pets would get in the bed too. It wasn't all the time though.

BettyDuMonde · 30/04/2019 16:41

My bed is the biggest and it’s the one with dogs in! Plus, his sister (7) has been seriously ill so they like watching films in my bed together.

Besides, it’s not every night, he’s mostly at uni 120 miles away!

1wearpurple · 30/04/2019 16:46

Why shouldn't he sleep with his mum?

Unless you have an answer that doesn't involve sex, then you are sexualising a 10 year old boy.

kittens876 · 30/04/2019 16:51

My son is 10 and Loves to sleep in my bed. I discourage it but only because he wriggles all night like a demented ferret. Nothing strange about it tho. He says he just loves me so much he wants to be with me all the time and misses me at night. Lovely sentiment but Ergh! X

QueenOfTheEighthKingdom · 30/04/2019 16:52

Was discussing this with SIL recently and was surprised 13 year old nephew still got scared at night and got into bed with her so BIL is regularly consigned to the sofa!

My oldest 3 often came into our bed until around 8 years old. We've always had a super kingsize bed though as neither DH or I would entertain ending up on the sofa. Youngest is 8 now and only gets in with us in the morning if he wakes early.

DD used bring her mattress in to our room and sleep on the floor up until she was about 20 if she'd watched a horror film Grin. She would have tried to sleep between us if we'd let her!

HappyLife21 · 30/04/2019 16:53

But yes u also have PLENTY of threads on here about parents who separated and children who end up sleeping in the same bed than their father and it is ALWAYS seen as inappropriate

I have literally NEVER seen a thread like that, you’re making it up!

Original poster
babybelqueen · 30/04/2019 16:55

You are unbelievable

OP posts:
Electrocute1980 · 30/04/2019 17:00

Absolutely nothing wrong with it - dd(8) sleeps in with me at least one night a week. My friend's ds is almost 10 and sleeps in with her most nights when he's not with his dad. He just likes the extra security.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 30/04/2019 17:01

My youngest son often used to sneak in to my bed when he was about that age, usually giving the excuse of a bad dream, but sometimes because he woke up and started worrying about random stuff he couldn't get back to sleep, iyswim...

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2019 17:05

Actually I think a ten year old boy still choosing to sleep in his mother's bed every single night is a bit concerning. The occasional night yes, but not every single night.

It's clearly a habit they have developed over the years. I wonder as he's now being open about it, if he's trying to find a way to make it stop, but feels he can't, that his mum expects it.

If I was your husband I'd question it gently, just does he like sleeping in his mum's bed every night or would he prefer to sleep some nights in his own bed. Just in case there is some pressure or expectation there and it's more the mother who wishes to keep it going.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 30/04/2019 17:06

I still take my baby into my mums bed when I visit, and I’m significantly older than 10 Grin but it is a HUGE bed and much comfier than mine

Branleuse · 30/04/2019 17:10

my 12 year old was in my bed most nights till recently. My other kids are much better at night than he is, so I meet his needs, rather than worrying about what is the right age for whatever. If ive learnt anything from parenting so far, its that everything you worry about is almost always a self-limiting phase

CarolDanvers · 30/04/2019 17:12

My 12 year old dd sleeps with me most nights. She’s autistic and wakes up with night terrors. If she sleeps with me I’d doesn’t happen so that’s what we do and it works for us. I don’t see anything wrong with a child sleeping with their parent for as long as everyone is happy with that arrangement.

CarolDanvers · 30/04/2019 17:14

I also think it’s a lot more common than people admit to.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 30/04/2019 17:14

My DD10 and DS 7 both hate sleeping alone. I did too as a child but was banned from my parents room. It affected me. My kids say why can't we all sleep as a family and I struggle to think of a good reason why. It's what many families do in other countries.

So there is a mattress on each side of our bed with spare duvets and pillows. If they wake in the night and feel alone they pop in beside us. DS does it most nights atm around 4am and never wakes me. DD occasionally. If DH is away they get to sleep in with me. DH and I rarely have loud rampant sex 😆😆so it's no bother to us at the mo. I'd have more of an issue if they were waking me!

flirtygirl · 30/04/2019 17:14

My kids sleep with me on and off as they did with me and my husband before we divorced.

My sister slept with my mum or younger sister till she left home at nearly 18. She had never slept alone and when her husband was away she used to come sleep at mine with her 3 kids. It's only been the last few years since she was 37 or 38 that she can sleep alone.

It's not unusual and the majority of the world sleep together. It's just a western concept of kids sleeping alone or having their own bedroom.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/04/2019 17:16

I also think it’s a lot more common than people admit to.

Same, it's a shame that we try to make affection seem wrong or damaging or something to hide

Saracen · 30/04/2019 17:16

Sharing a bed with his mum is fine.

I think it would be sending him the wrong message if anyone suggested to him that fear of being teased at school should prevent him from carrying on with something which gives him comfort and security. I've never understood why people give such advice to children.

If he's really worried that the others will make fun of him, he can keep quiet about it. That would be sad. But sadder still would be for him to feel forced to push his mum away in order to fit in at school.

Boys and men in our society often feel lonely and unable to open up to people about their feelings. These kinds of messages contribute to that.