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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my DH elder son should not be sleeping in his mums bed everynight?

308 replies

babybelqueen · 30/04/2019 12:49

My DH had a previous relationship , and has a lovely son who is 10 years old.. will be going into secondary school next year. He is bright, clever funny and just does what normal kids do. We get on really well.

Anyway, my DH and his ex only speak purely for the sake of their son which I understand ( I never get involved in any conversation as it is not my place , he is their child and that is that )

BUT me and DH are starting to become concerned about the fact that he is openly honest about sleeping in his mums bed every night -

I have an 18 month old, so I have no idea whether this is normal or not? The only thing I can link it to, is because maybe of his parents splitting when he was young and now he sometimes feels insecure?

But also when he comes and stops with us, he is more than happy to sleep alone in his own room.

I just don't want him to go to secondary school and get picked on because of it, and neither does his Dad.

What are your thoughts, is this normal ?

OP posts:

threeishappy · 30/04/2019 15:21

Of course it's normal. If I were in the mums position I'd be livid at you and your DH even considering that it might not be ok, and starting a thread on MN about it! No doubt there are mums reading this wondering if it's about her and her son.

HappyLife21 · 30/04/2019 15:29

Are you thinking there’s something sexual going on? Do you think she is abusing him? I assume so from what you’ve said. I doubt it though, most people sleep in with their kids without it being sexual. It’s fine.

MadAboutWands · 30/04/2019 15:33

I’m surprised by the answers in here.
If it had been a nearly teenage girl sleeping in the same bed than her dad, would people have found it as normal as that??

Genuine question.

Original poster

babybelqueen · 30/04/2019 15:35

Hold on , when did I mention about their relationship ? Not once.. I'm sure they have a lovely relationship and bond . If you read my further posts and replies , the concern lies around the son and how it could potentially impact him going forwards , and the concern would also lie around whether he feels insecure following the split . If so , then is there anything we could do to help the situation. I never once had a go at him and his mum's relationship. I have never once slated his mum , I have no right.

OP posts:

downcasteyes · 30/04/2019 15:36

I think 10 sounds normal. I'm surprised at 13.

downcasteyes · 30/04/2019 15:37

And babybel you sound like a wonderful stepmum.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/04/2019 15:37

Madabout
My dd at the same age is welcome to sleep with dh in the same bed.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 30/04/2019 15:38

I'm surprised by the answers too. I don't know anyone who co-slept with their children.

My two DS would sneak into my bed when they were little - fine - but not at age 10 unless they were ill. Maybe I'm in the minority. They are adults now and seem well adjusted. I think yours was a reasonable question OP.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 30/04/2019 15:41

It's fine and won't be long before he won't want to do it so nothing for dh to worry about.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/04/2019 15:42

Hold on , when did I mention about their relationship ?

Well, I mean their interactions, including this, would be a part of their relationship, surely? Every interaction we have with eachother is basically all what relationships are.

the concern lies around the son and how it could potentially impact him going forwards , and the concern would also lie around whether he feels insecure following the split

Concerned about what though? He's 10 years old, he's still a kid. What are you actually worried about that might happen to him going forward exactly?

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 30/04/2019 15:42

10 is not "nearly teenage". 10 year olds are very much children, physically and emotionally. Lots of posters have said that their children have naturally outgrown bed sharing at adolescence. Stop making issues where there are none!

Original poster

babybelqueen · 30/04/2019 15:49

As his dad my DH has a every right to be concerned about his child. If he didn't care then he wouldn't be a great dad. Can you advise where and when I've created an issue though ? I've just merely asked a question .

OP posts:

IntoValhalla · 30/04/2019 15:49

I’m nearly 25 and stayed over at my mums with my DCs for a few days while DH was deployed overseas with the military last summer. I got upset after a crappy day and went and got in bed with my mum for a cuddle
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a 10yo sleeping in the same bed as a parent if both parties are happy and comfortable with that.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 30/04/2019 15:49

Stop making issues where there are none

OP isn't making issue - she quite calmly and sensibly asked a question as her DH was concerned about his son and asked for her viewpoint. She wasn't sure, never having come across a 10 yr old co sleeping with his mum (like me) and decided to canvass the opinion of mumsnetters who, I'm sure, she hoped would give her helpful advice. How is that making an issue?
If she'd turned up at the mother's door wanting to know what on earth she was doing co sleeping with her son - that would be making an issue.

Lovemusic33 · 30/04/2019 15:50

It’s not something I do with my kids but it doesn’t make it wrong, people parent differently. My kids haven’t slept in my bed since they were 4 years old, even when they are ill they don’t sleep in my bed (people may say that’s not normal but it is for us). I split with my ex when dd1 was 11 and dd2 was 9, as far as I know they don’t feel insecure because we split but then things were pretty amicable.

MadAboutWands · 30/04/2019 15:51

But yes u also have PLENTY of threads on here about parents who separated and children who end up sleeping in the same bed than their father and it is ALWAYS seen as inappropriate.

I’m not judging btw. But we are talking about a child who will be in secondary next year (so yes pre teen). And I have no experience of dcs sleeping in my bed. It just never happened in my house.
I’m just confused by what seems to be very conflicting POV.

FifisLovelyApron · 30/04/2019 15:55

I was a single parent and I slept between my DS and DD for over a decade. DS because he had anxiety issues and nightmares and DD because she didn't want to be left out. I think DS was 12 when he decided he needed his own space and privacy and was happy to sleep in his own bed. I could have forced it earlier, but why bother?

AryaStarkWolf · 30/04/2019 15:58

But yes u also have PLENTY of threads on here about parents who separated and children who end up sleeping in the same bed than their father and it is ALWAYS seen as inappropriate.

Never seen one of those threads but I wouldn't see it as inappropriate either way :/

I’m not judging btw. But we are talking about a child who will be in secondary next year (so yes pre teen). And I have no experience of dcs sleeping in my bed. It just never happened in my house.

10 seems really young, secondary school age here (in ireland is around 12/13) so it's still very primary school aged in my head

I’m just confused by what seems to be very conflicting POV.

I mean I didn't co sleep, although my son went through a phase of sleeping with me when he was 5ish for a bit. He will still snuggle on the couch now and he's 15 haha, long may that continue I say, i don't know why or what anyone would be concerned about is all?

donajimena · 30/04/2019 16:04

I shared a bed with my youngest son last year because the hotel had a double and a single and putting the two teens in it would have been murder. Its not inappropriate but man, that child can fart not envy.

Mapril · 30/04/2019 16:05

My friends son slept in with her until he was 14, he only stopped when it was the summer holidays and he was allowed to stay up later on his x box

I go to bed quite early so me and my 11yo will often have an hour or so together in my bed in the evening time. We’ve beefed it up a bit by calling it the Snug Life (ie do you choose the Snug Life this evening? Well I didn’t choose the Snug Life the Snug Life chose me, so yep)

AryaStarkWolf · 30/04/2019 16:06

aww that's cute

Widowodiw · 30/04/2019 16:07

My 10 year old son does as we lost his dad last year and came into my bed to “look after me” and hasn’t left yet.

BobBobBobbingAlong · 30/04/2019 16:07

I'm another one who thinks this is totally normal. People don't tend to talk about it though, as there's plenty of ill-informed judging out there.

I think if you're worried that your step-child may be a little insecure after the split then sleeping with his mum is one of the really good ways to boost his sense of security. It's not a symptom of insecurity in itself though.

I hope you can manage to convince your DH that it's a mainly positive thing.

clairemcnam · 30/04/2019 16:08

The ONLY thread I have ever seen about a separated father sharing a bed with a DC where it was said it was inappropriate, was when the DC did not want to share a bed any longer with her DF and she had no bed of her own. Totally different when kids want to sleep in their own bed and are not been given the choice.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/04/2019 16:09

@Widowodiw so sorry for your loss, that's sweet though, I'm sure you're both a great comfort to eachother

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