Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH elder son should not be sleeping in his mums bed everynight?

308 replies

babybelqueen · 30/04/2019 12:49

My DH had a previous relationship , and has a lovely son who is 10 years old.. will be going into secondary school next year. He is bright, clever funny and just does what normal kids do. We get on really well.

Anyway, my DH and his ex only speak purely for the sake of their son which I understand ( I never get involved in any conversation as it is not my place , he is their child and that is that )

BUT me and DH are starting to become concerned about the fact that he is openly honest about sleeping in his mums bed every night -

I have an 18 month old, so I have no idea whether this is normal or not? The only thing I can link it to, is because maybe of his parents splitting when he was young and now he sometimes feels insecure?

But also when he comes and stops with us, he is more than happy to sleep alone in his own room.

I just don't want him to go to secondary school and get picked on because of it, and neither does his Dad.

What are your thoughts, is this normal ?

OP posts:
Onecutefox · 30/04/2019 13:59

I look at my younger one and he is still so cuddly. The older one is a teen. You can't cuddle him anymore. Grin

FishCanFly · 30/04/2019 14:00

if its occasional, like holiday or having guests over - totally fine. But every night its not exactly normal.

ArfArfBarf · 30/04/2019 14:00

It’s like musical beds in our house.

Meandmetoo · 30/04/2019 14:01

Concerned?

Concerned about what exactly?

outvoid · 30/04/2019 14:01

It’s perfectly fine. My Dbro slept in my Mum’s bed until he was ten, he’s now 21 and probably mortified about it but I can confirm he is a well adjusted adult Grin. Some children just require more comfort than others. My DC have co-slept on and off since birth.

BambooB · 30/04/2019 14:07

Does he have his own space too?

FooFighter99 · 30/04/2019 14:12

I slept in my mum's bed on and off till I was 16, though this was due to a traumatic bereavment and subsequent nightmares/not wanting her to be alone Sad

DD would sleep in my bed every night if DH and I let her. Some kids just like the comfort of a parent sleeping next to them.

If you are concerned, maybe try and gently broach the subject with DSS, it could be he has anxiety or is still upset over his parents splitting up

Disfordarkchocolate · 30/04/2019 14:14

I miss it too, it's something that naturally stopped not long after 10.

QueenKubauOfKish · 30/04/2019 14:18

My 9yoDD loves sleeping in my bed (single mum) though I do think I'd be less comfortable about it with a boy, at least any older than 10-ish, or vice versa.

With the bullying, is there any evidence people tease him about it? As soon as, or if, anyone does he'll learn to not mention it.

IndieTara · 30/04/2019 14:22

@babybelqueen i have this too but it's my DD aged 10 sleeping in her dads bed when she's at his.

It's taken me years to get her to sleep in her own bed and I finally managed it a year ago ( apart from if she's ill and I want to keep a close eye on her )

But at her dads it's undoing all my work !

rosieposey · 30/04/2019 14:22

My 10 yo and 6 yo sleep in our superking every night nearly, they love sleeping with us and if we put them in their own beds they creep into ours without us noticing in the middle of the night.

I'm making the most of it as my 26,24 and 22 yo don't do it anymore ( obviously )

flissfloss65 · 30/04/2019 14:24

My ds did this until he was about 11 years old. He’d go to sleep in his room and go to mine before I went to bed. No underlying issues then or now - he is very independent.

sugarbum · 30/04/2019 14:25

I don't think its 'normal' to do this every single night, but then again I don't see a massive problem with it either

Our DS2 loves sleeping in with one of us when the other is not there. He is 9. He is still all soft and warm and cuddly and its lovely, but I don't like to make it a habit as I think his sleep quality is reduced, so its only now and again.

DS1 on the other hand is 12 - massive man sized and stinky and I don't want him in my bed!!

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 30/04/2019 14:29

After me and dp split up and we moved home, ds came in with me until he started high school. Then I’d say he’d come in 30-50% of the year for years 7 & 8, and now he’s hasn’t been in for over a year. He used to get nightmares, and we moved to a flag where the guy upstairs is loud. Suddenly dropping stuff, banging doors- I often wake with a panic of ‘was that the door?’ At 2am. So I would never ridicule or tell him to go back to bed. I had a fear of the dark and terrible nightmares. At 13 I would still go into my brother crying from a nightmare, and he’d pull back the duvet and say come in- he was 11 years older than me. But it made me feel safe. That’s what I wanted for my son too. So I don’t see the big deal🤷🏻‍♀️.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/04/2019 14:37

Concerned?

Concerned about what exactly?

Yes exactly, almost sounds like you two are trying to make something sinister out of you DSS and his mothers relationship. It comes across a bit mean spirited

Original poster
babybelqueen · 30/04/2019 14:57

Seriously ? Grow up.

OP posts:
Original poster
babybelqueen · 30/04/2019 15:00

Just in regards to if he is feeling insecure then what we can do go help. Or if there are any underlying issues following the split . Or the fact is open with current school friends that he may take it to his next school.

OP posts:
BlueSkiesLies · 30/04/2019 15:03

It’s not normal as in normal being the status quo. But it isn’t strange and many children enjoy sharing beds with parents until they are quite old. They will naturally grow out of it when they are ready.

Humans evolved all sleeping together for warmth and safety.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 30/04/2019 15:04

I often wake up in the morning to find my 18 year olds sharing a bed, they both love chatting and dropping off together. I think it’s sweet.

Cheekyfeckery · 30/04/2019 15:06

I’m glad you started this thread OP, thank you.

My DD gets into my bed every night. I’ve been worrying about it, so it’s lovely to have this thread’s reassurance. (My bed is a lovely big super king, so I don’t blame her).

But it did start when her dad and I split up. Despite the fact that we didn’t share a bedroom, she rarely came in. But when he went, every night.

To be honest I’ve had enough of it now and am gently encouraging her to sleep in her own room. But she doesn’t want to be on her own. So am leaving things for now.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/04/2019 15:07

Seriously ? Grow up.

Did what i said come across as juvenile? I didn't think so.

EleanorLavish · 30/04/2019 15:11

My DB often slept in with me when we were young. Once we were teens he only came in if there was a thunder storm. He just grew out of it.
You sound caring.

ComeOnGordon · 30/04/2019 15:13

My DS slept in my bed on and off for a good year after his father left us. He was 11 when it started but he had always sneaked in when he was younger when my ex was away for the night.

It didn’t bother me, I didn’t find it strange. I just knew he was feeling insecure and needed to be close to me. And it just stopped of it’s own volition. He’s not done it for a few months now but he knows he could do at anytime if he wanted

Original poster
babybelqueen · 30/04/2019 15:14

Your comment was not needed in the slightest

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 30/04/2019 15:18

Your comment was not needed in the slightest

Just my opinion, he's a kid who sleeps with his mom, big deal? If I was in her shoes I'd be upset if my son's step mother made a thread like this about mine and my sons relationship and implied there was something wrong with it. You have a child yourself. How would you feel if she made a thread about you and your child like this?

Swipe left for the next trending thread