To think my DH elder son should not be sleeping in his mums bed everynight?

[babybelqueen]

My DH had a previous relationship , and has a lovely son who is 10 years old.. will be going into secondary school next year. He is bright, clever funny and just does what normal kids do. We get on really well.

Anyway, my DH and his ex only speak purely for the sake of their son which I understand ( I never get involved in any conversation as it is not my place , he is their child and that is that )

BUT me and DH are starting to become concerned about the fact that he is openly honest about sleeping in his mums bed every night -

I have an 18 month old, so I have no idea whether this is normal or not? The only thing I can link it to, is because maybe of his parents splitting when he was young and now he sometimes feels insecure?

But also when he comes and stops with us, he is more than happy to sleep alone in his own room.

I just don't want him to go to secondary school and get picked on because of it, and neither does his Dad.

What are your thoughts, is this normal ?

Both my kids regularly sleep with me - they are 11 and 7. DS is going to secondary in sept and extra anxious at the moment- it’s really normal I think!

My 13 year old DD gets in with me when DP is away overnight. She talks too bloody much though.

Boys and men in our society often feel lonely and unable to open up to people about their feelings. These kinds of messages contribute to that.

Great point

My 8 year old sleeps with me. I'm glad to see that people think it's OK as I was a tiny bit concerned we were an oddity.

'Actually I think a ten year old boy still choosing to sleep in his mother's bed every single night is a bit concerning. The occasional night yes, but not every single night.:

Yes a one off fine. The mother should surely be encouraging her son to sleep alone he's 10 not 5. This reminds me of the thread about a mother who still shared a bath with her 10year old ds. Lots of 'its lovely!' posts then. No, it isn't.

DD (10) is in with me most nights and it only started after me and ExH separated. She gets so much comfort from it and sometimes 'ninja skills' her way in so I don't even know she's there until the morning. DS (7), on the other hand, has only ever done it a handful of times as he loves his own bed and space. I'm sure DD will grow out of it at some point but while she needs it, she will always be welcome.

This thread (other than a couple of comments) is lovely and I agree that it happens far more than people are aware.

Boys and men in our society often feel lonely and unable to open up to people about their feelings. These kinds of messages contribute to that.

Not what I see in the younger generation at all. I think most younger men can talk about their feelings far easier than people of any sex in my generation.

Also those who think an 11 year old boy should not sleep with his mother are probably going to think the same about a girl doing the same.

I could imagine that 95% of these Replies would be completely different if this was a single Dad letting his 10yr old DD sleep in with him.......

My son who is 11 regularly sleeps in my bed with me

Dh and I are very much together but he is often away for long periods (sometimes months) at a time. My almost 5yo ds always starts off in his own bed but usually ends up in with me at some point in the night when his dad is away. It's not strange, I'd rather sleep next to someone so why should he sleep alone if he feels the same? It also seems to give him comfort as I say, usually only happens when dh is away. 7 yo dd on the other hand has never come into my bed in the night and even as a small baby preferred to sleep alone in her cot.

DGS is 11 and often sleeps with his mum if dad's away.

itsyersel No they would not be, I have read similar threads where most have said it is lovely an older DD is sharing a bed with her father. In spite of the fact that a DD sleeping alone in bed with her father night after night, is statistically at a much higher risk of sexual abuse.

I know a single mum whose DD shared same bed as the mum until she was 10 and her DS still does at 11. Think most children tend to want their own space when puberty hits but before then I don't think it's anything to worry about or weird. I think it's hypocritical to say that children must sleep alone whereas majority of adults don't sleep alone. I shared a room with my sister growing up and then there was only a couple years where I had my own room before moved in with DH.

Unsure on this one. It's hard to judge from the outside.

I never slept in my mum's bed as a child, and wasn't aware anyone did. But they may just not have mentioned it.

However I do have a friend whose mother used to insist she slept in her bed with her after her dad left, which I know my friend found very distressing.

So totally depends on the circumstances whether it's weird or not!

I agree with the suggestion about DP just asking his son if he likes sharing the bed.

I could imagine that 95% of these Replies would be completely different if this was a single Dad letting his 10yr old DD sleep in with him.......

Possibly. Why do you think that is then?

*However I do have a friend whose mother used to insist she slept in her bed with her after her dad left, which I know my friend found very distressing.

So totally depends on the circumstances whether it's weird or not!*

Okay I agree I would be more worried if it was the adult insisting on sharing a bed

It's unhealthy if it's something she is pushing for and not him.

A 10 year old boy is not sexual active....
An adult male is....
It is fine if the child needs the comfort of his mum
Means he is probably still hurting from dad being absent.

When you have an 18 month old, 10 years old sounds really big. When you have a 10 year old, you realize how little they are.

I would share a bed with my 15 year old, we did when we rented a hotel room on a trip, last minute and it was all we could get. It doesn't matter how sexually active he may be, I'm his mum!

I have a friend that went through a traumatic experience at 12 when she was knocked down by a drunk driver. She lived with her dad as her parents were separated. She went to his bed every night as she needed the comfort. I agree that an adult insisting is odd but there's nothing weird about kids wanting to sleep in their parent's beds

Sex reasons aren't the only way things can be inappropriate... An adult excessively relying on a child for emotional support isn't great either.

Again no way of telling in this situation. It's just the only situation I've heard this talked about by my friend.

Nothing wrong with it my 12 and 10 year olds love cuddling up in bed with me, admittedly rare now they’re growing up but I’d never stop them. Just let them do what they want he’s her son and it isn’t your concern. He isn’t going to get bullied, how would anybody know for a start?

Ugh it's not 'wrong' at all. It may be uncommon in the UK but it's perfectly common in otjer parts of the world. As a child I was never allowed to sleep in my parents beds and nighttime was a time of complete fear and misery for me. I used to have nightmares and cry so much and have to stay in my dark bedroom, frightened and alone. What I wouldn't have done for a parent who let me sleep in with them! I will never turn my kids away if they feel insecure or frightened and want to sleep in my bed.

Yup that's something I've always found a strange concept. The adults in the house sleep together in the same bed, not even just the same room, and children apparently should all have their own rooms and sleep alone!

My ds 12 kips with me. He has to when dh is home at the weekends because dh snores. Most of the world sleep communally as we did not that long ago. There are alternatives if he/I didn't like it but it's just a non issue.