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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In saying they can't stay tonight?

231 replies

pinkgloves · 29/04/2019 15:14

A friend of dh and mine's asked to stay one night this week. Said they'd be coming on their own (they have two young dc) and possibly Monday but more likely later in the week.

I said 'sure, but give me a day or so's notice as we're planning on going away for a night.'

They messaged at 9am this morning saying they were coming this afternoon with their two dc also.

I don't have a room made up for them (in the process of swapping winter to summer gear so there's stuff everywhere and it's a few hours work to get it ready plus the house is a mess and needs a couple of days to clean before I want people staying!)

So I said we had plans for tonight now, tomorrow or Thursday would be fine.

DH is all stroppy because he thinks I've been rude. Friend sent a stroppy message saying he's now got to rejuggle plans as they were all set to come tonight.

I'm suffering from a particularly bad bout of anxiety and OCD at the moment so would like opinions on whether I've been unreasonable as I know my judgement can be clouded.

I don't do well with last minute plans which I why i asked for a day or so's heads up! I know that's not their problem though.

OP posts:
cordeliavorkosigan · 01/05/2019 18:09

I don't have anxiety. But I would have told the 'friend' in no uncertain terms that toilet messes were his to clean up and to avoid letting his (unsupervised child) break anything.
Island looks beautiful.
Is the neglect bad enough that you'd call social services? 30 min alone on an island by the sea sounds pretty bad, as do the potty training messes.

MummyParanoia101 · 01/05/2019 18:11

Haven't RTFT only the beginning and the end but it sounds like social services need to be involved

onegiftedgal · 01/05/2019 18:13

YANBU - notice should always been given and you specifically asked for it from them.
My DH would invite people to stay at the drop of a hat, thought that he was being laid back and chilled etc.
One time when I had really had enough of the hours of prepping, I lost it and said fine for anyone to stay anytime but here is the prep list - food planning, cleaning, preparing bedroom, cleaning and washing afterwards etc. The invites soon tailed off, he apologised and said that he genuinely hadn't a clue how much work was involved in 'just inviting' people and he now doesn't do it anymore. He's been educated.
Tell your DH it's fine, you are chilled and have decided to go out/ stay away for the night.Get him to do everything including the DC and see how he likes it.

CoraPirbright · 01/05/2019 18:15

Lordy I dont have anxiety or OCD and even I need 24 hours plus notice!

Your dh’s friend is a CF and your dh is a spineless idiot. The problem is quite often that the menz have no idea how much work goes in to having guests - my dh certainly doesnt.

On the bright side, what a lovely photo! One day, these —horrors— children will be charming and lovely adults who remember with the greatest fondness the wonderful pic nic on the deserted island they had with Aunty Pinkgloves. It could well be one of their fondest memories!

MyCatHogsTheBed · 01/05/2019 18:20

He changed one person with more than 24 hours notice to three, (one of which is a toddler tyrant) with a few hours notice - I would tell them no, too!

As for DH he can prep the beds (whee are the two children sleeping?), get the food in and put away the breakables at his earliest convenience, so that HIS friend can be received like some fkn royal visitor . He can go whistle if he wants to complain, either about doing "wifework" or you saying no today.

tinkyp · 01/05/2019 18:22

I think you are actually being very accommodating and putting others first which often causes you to then suffer. If we can be stronger about saying "no way" and putting your foot down, then you don't suffer so much and I think a lot of anxiety can come from not feeling able to push back and trying to be polite to others to the detriment of your own happiness.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 01/05/2019 18:23

I’d report the lack of car seats to the police to be honest.

MummyParanoia101 · 01/05/2019 18:26

SnowsInWater
Please elaborate! I love a good CF tale

DarlingNikita · 01/05/2019 18:29

I think they're all a nightmare and I wouldn't have them to stay ever again.

TigerTooth · 01/05/2019 18:32

Why didn't you just say no?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/05/2019 18:35

Pinkgloves.. you sound so lovely to be giving the poor 3 year old a bit of parenting and comfort.
Personally I would tell the visiting dad calmly and bluntly and point blank what you think of his parenting skills and his behaviour as a guest. And the whole car seat issue OMG?
Hope the rest of the visit is as uneventful as possible . Good luck xx

Elllicam · 01/05/2019 18:37

Do not let your DH convince you that you are being unreasonable because of your anxiety. Turning up without notice, cheeky text, destructive peedly toddler, DH spending the mortgage money on food?! I don’t have anxiety and I would be utterly raging.

exaltedwombat · 01/05/2019 18:39

You asked for notice because you were going away for a night. It seems you're not. Your reasons not to welcome them at short notice are largely contrived. But of course it's your call..

icelollycraving · 01/05/2019 18:53

Are those just your children in the photo?

SunshineCake · 01/05/2019 19:17
Hmm
TooManyPaws · 01/05/2019 19:23

Is it enough for US SS to be involved again? He's put his children at risk twice, in the car and on the island, and doesn't seem interested in their welfare and emotional wellbeing - potty training and the crying child.

thefinn · 01/05/2019 20:06

US social services meaning CPS? Sounds like on top of all else the children are in danger. And you haven't been U at any point of this.

ThisIsNotMyRealName1 · 01/05/2019 20:56

CheshireCat very good point re body disposal! Grin]

Lovely13 · 01/05/2019 21:09

I have learned to just say no to all sorts of things. If your husband wants to host them, he can deal with it, regardless of his work schedule.

Nousernamefound · 01/05/2019 22:05

Let husband clean, tidy swap winter/summer gear, make up beds for friend plus kids and entertain them and you put your feet up. You’re not being unreasonable your guest and husband are.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 01/05/2019 22:07

I would also be inclined to report this to his social worker.

MummyParanoia101 · 02/05/2019 00:17

@pinkgloves PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE report this to CPS before that child gets killed from neglect. You'll never forgive yourself if you don't (not that it would be your fault of course, but it would be human nature to feel guilt for not having reported this). PLEASE OP....

Vivianebrezilletbrooks · 02/05/2019 02:53

YANBU.

What a CF! Tell him tough!
He has to rejuggle plans now..I'd be telling him pardon me while I play the world's smallest violin!
As to him bringing his kids at the last minute double CFery especially if he has one the equivalent of a bull in a china shop and if he does nothing to stop his kid misbehaving he's wanting a bit of free parenting of his kids into the bargain off you or your DH .
Don't let him stay,tell him to get stuffed!

Cruelstepmother · 02/05/2019 03:44

Put your feet up and sulk, leaving your husband to deal with 3 guests unaided?

Tell a guest, a friend of your husband (however rude) to get stuffed, kick him out and then report him to social services?

My God, all this time I've thought I was a bit crap as a hostess... unbelievable!

SnowsInWater · 02/05/2019 07:02

Sorry mummyparanoia, CF threads are my favourites too but the story of the family who ruined Christmas is too outing and not really appropriate for this thread.