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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In saying they can't stay tonight?

231 replies

pinkgloves · 29/04/2019 15:14

A friend of dh and mine's asked to stay one night this week. Said they'd be coming on their own (they have two young dc) and possibly Monday but more likely later in the week.

I said 'sure, but give me a day or so's notice as we're planning on going away for a night.'

They messaged at 9am this morning saying they were coming this afternoon with their two dc also.

I don't have a room made up for them (in the process of swapping winter to summer gear so there's stuff everywhere and it's a few hours work to get it ready plus the house is a mess and needs a couple of days to clean before I want people staying!)

So I said we had plans for tonight now, tomorrow or Thursday would be fine.

DH is all stroppy because he thinks I've been rude. Friend sent a stroppy message saying he's now got to rejuggle plans as they were all set to come tonight.

I'm suffering from a particularly bad bout of anxiety and OCD at the moment so would like opinions on whether I've been unreasonable as I know my judgement can be clouded.

I don't do well with last minute plans which I why i asked for a day or so's heads up! I know that's not their problem though.

OP posts:
SandAndSea · 01/05/2019 01:27

What's your dh saying now and has he helped your df to clear it up?

Original poster
pinkgloves · 01/05/2019 01:49

I got them all off out to an island where I didn't care if they peed everywhere! Small note that the 7 year old didn't have a booster and the 3 year old was not even buckled in to his seat and hung out of the window on the car ride. Shock Call me a bit British but I was fucking horrified.

We've just got back to the house and I put a nappy on the younger one. They've been unparented tonight to the point of them being out of sight for 30 minutes (on an island by the ocean) and him crying for home and Mama that I'm going to cuddle him now and get him to sleep. I can be a stone cold grumpy bitch but this poor little sod needs a bit of comfort and love.

OP posts:
pinkgloves · 01/05/2019 01:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ByeClaire · 01/05/2019 02:22

The level of parenting neglect is insane Shock

Please do say who cleared up the toilet training mess when the child arrived?

Do you and your DH say anything about the lack of car seats or supervision?

ByeClaire · 01/05/2019 02:22

Ps: island looks lovely

Happynow001 · 01/05/2019 02:25

What a lovely photo OP and scenery looks wonderful. That little boy was lucky to have you there.

I guess a lesson to take away from this incursion on your time and space is for both you and your DH to communicate more clearly together and to potential guests more firmly so that your time, space, emotion and finances are not imposed upon so much. It's not great that you have to make a choice on whether to pay your mortgage or car finances (or anything else) because of inconsiderate people.

SnowsInWater · 01/05/2019 02:28

I'm glad you have found a way of making it work - it's not like you had a choice!!!!!

After a nightmare year of CF guests I reconfigured my house to allow for two adults max to stay and have said quite seriously that there is a three night limit. I will defend anyone's right to do similar. Our kids still talk about 2017 as "the year the X family ruined Christmas".

Original poster
pinkgloves · 01/05/2019 02:32

I cleared it all up. I got him to sleep too. I haven't seen the poor little man in over a year. My heart is breaking for his lack of parenting.

DH has been a condescending and useless ass tonight. Both to me and DS. I'm going to go away tomorrow because I need a little thinking space want to twat him in the face with a brick.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkgloves · 01/05/2019 02:35

@SnowsInWater I get that!

I'm still feeling the aftershocks of having a friend to stay for a month when ds was 4 months old. It's made me paranoid about people staying!

OP posts:
Kiwiinkits · 01/05/2019 03:22

YABU. If you want friends you have to be a friend. That's what I tell my daughter anyway.

Which means sometimes putting yourself out to accommodate people, and forgiving them for their foibles. So shove the winter gear somewhere else (why can't you put it in the attic, why does your DH need to do it?) and get on with it.

Kiwiinkits · 01/05/2019 03:23

opps, didn't RTFT. Sorry. I see it has moved on. Your island looks lovely OP.

TooManyPaws · 01/05/2019 03:25

@kiwiinkits RTFT!

OP, there's a bed in Scotland if you need a really long trip for thinking space.... If you can put up with dogs and cats!

ByeClaire · 01/05/2019 03:45

Oh OP Flowers

CheshireChat · 01/05/2019 12:58

Noooo, don't hit him with a brick, you'd go to prison instead of being on your lovely island. Though I bet it's easier disposing of the body over there Wink

pinkyredrose · 01/05/2019 13:53

Your husband and his friend are both twats who don't listen to you. I'd sack the pair of them off.

Lweji · 01/05/2019 14:38

I'm surprised you didn't take off with the children and left both men on the island.

ShatnersWig · 01/05/2019 14:57

Agree with others, you have a DH problem, let alone a friend problem. Poor kids and poor you.

Honeybee85 · 01/05/2019 15:13

OP, poor you Flowers.

I would have completely freaked out and made a scene after that child peed TWICE in my house.
Then I would have given your DH’s friend a choice: either he can leave your home with his kids straight away OR he can go sleep somewhere in his car and leave the kids in your house where YOU make the rules.

Maybe then him and your DH would have realised how fucking rude this is.

I wouldn’t even host them in the future if their house had been lost to a fire and they had nowhere to go (except for those poor kids, maybe)

Connieston · 01/05/2019 17:45

Outside of absolute emergencies I'd need at least 24 hours notice for house guests, at least a week for kids too... I don't have enough beds so would need to dig out or get airbeds and duvets etc... and then I'd be the one doing the favour, so I wouldn't expect abuse for not moving quickly enough. YANBU.

MrsBadcrumble123 · 01/05/2019 17:45

Your DH’s friend sounds like an entitled, selfish CF! Send them a link to a local hotel and ignore - some people’s behaviour beggars belief! Confused

Sofagirl · 01/05/2019 17:47

I think you should have either put your foot down and said no or just roll with it and embrace what comes - life is unpredictable after all

Now it seems they’re here I would just enjoy the moment wholeheartedly otherwise what’s the point?

Drum2018 · 01/05/2019 17:51

Let this be the very last time they stay with you. If your Dh wants to meet them let him travel to theirs or meet up half way. Tell your Dh that is the last time you will ever be treated as a skivvy again. You should have rubbed his and the friends face in the kids pee Angry

AWishForWingsThatWork · 01/05/2019 18:00

I would make it clear to your DH that he has failed: you shouldn't have to put up with this shit from his friends, that he should have immediately put his foot down with his 'friend' when he announced potty training was starting today in your home and nappy on or they're all out, that he should have immediately cleaned up the piss and put the child in a nappy himself if that's what it took, and that they won't be welcome again.

I'd also call SS myself. Poor kids.

Tistheseason17 · 01/05/2019 18:02

Jeez, your DH sounds like a catch- maybe time to throw him back!!

numberoneson · 01/05/2019 18:08

Couldn't agree more with "read the book The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck". It's by Sarah Knight, and it's available on amazon for btween £4.99 (Kindle) and £9.64 (Hardback) It's kind of like the emotional version of Marie Kondo's organising! Meanwhile, good luck with the CF! I hope you survive the visit without too much domestic disharmony.

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