In saying they can't stay tonight?

[pinkgloves]

A friend of dh and mine's asked to stay one night this week. Said they'd be coming on their own (they have two young dc) and possibly Monday but more likely later in the week.

I said 'sure, but give me a day or so's notice as we're planning on going away for a night.'

They messaged at 9am this morning saying they were coming this afternoon with their two dc also.

I don't have a room made up for them (in the process of swapping winter to summer gear so there's stuff everywhere and it's a few hours work to get it ready plus the house is a mess and needs a couple of days to clean before I want people staying!)

So I said we had plans for tonight now, tomorrow or Thursday would be fine.

DH is all stroppy because he thinks I've been rude. Friend sent a stroppy message saying he's now got to rejuggle plans as they were all set to come tonight.

I'm suffering from a particularly bad bout of anxiety and OCD at the moment so would like opinions on whether I've been unreasonable as I know my judgement can be clouded.

I don't do well with last minute plans which I why i asked for a day or so's heads up! I know that's not their problem though.

@Beachbodynowayready

DH replied 'fantastic! See you soon!' To which friend replied 'great, both kids are excited'.

I'm annoyed so want to just go out but know the kids will probably burn the house down if nobody is watching them.

I predict a riot 😮

Part of me is furious at the inconvenience and inconsideration and part of me is guilty and embarrassed I'm making a big deal of it and DH has to deal with an anxious ball of nerves at times.

I feel like a bit of a failure as an adult sometimes.

Next time he asks to stay just say 'no, it doesn't suit', and be done with it. I appreciate it's too late for today's visit. He has some bloody neck. Hope he doesn't bring the kids but if he does do not be afraid to call them out on bad behaviour. It's your house, your rules. Good luck!

You know you need to turn up unannounced at their door for a week's stay really soon, don't you?

Shit, just see he is bringing the kids. You aren't a failure at all. It seems easy for your Dh to be happy about the visit when he probably isn't the one preparing beds, food etc. Leave him to do all that today and see how he likes it.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, @pinkgloves! You’re not stressed and annoyed because of your anxiety, it’s because this man is and always will be a pisstaker!

So still no “day or so” notice and he’s STILL bringing his children? Christ, the man’s got thicker skin than a rhino.

It sounds like your DH is enabling him too by saying “Fantastic”. I would not be impressed. This needs to be the last visit, really, and if anything gets broken by his little darlings then he needs telling in no uncertain terms that he must replace it.

You’re not running a hotel or a bloody creche. This is your home.

this is nothing to do with being a failure as an adult, please don't think that!

You are being forced to deal with a hugely inconsiderate man with a feral child, and a spineless DH. I would be fucking livid and I don't have anxiety or OCD or a room full of snow boots!

All you can do is ensure your DH handles this situation with 150% of his concentration and he can work doubly hard to make up the money.

I actually feel really for you, OP.

To be fair friend and dh will probably argue over who cooks and they're both much better cooks than me. They're both in the camp of 'use every fucking utensil and pan and throw ingredients around the kitchen' camp though.

I won't be around to tidy up tomorrow though, I'm involved in a big fundraising event this weekend and I'm busy with that tomorrow.

Tell him to get food (ideally takeaway if possible) on the way over.
They can make their own beds and cook.

Could you make it clear when he arrives that he needs to properly supervise? Maybe implement some house rules.

And either you or DH call him out if he can't be bothered.

What is wrong with your DH?! You were clear, you want more than one days notice and no extra children. Once again this toolbox friend has given you less than one day's notice and imposed two additional guests on youX

And your DH said 'fantastic'?!

Neither of them are listening to you, OP. Trust your gut here, just because you have anxiety doesn't mean that everyone else is right all the time and that your feelings are 'wrong'. CF Friend and your DH are being dickheads and walking over you.

I'd be furious. I'd also be telling DH that he is responsible for all preparation for the visit, all hosting duties and all child supervision.
If anything breaks you will hold DH responsible for not watching the children close enough. DH will then be responsible for any laundry or cleanup they leave in their wake.

I'd be making sure their beds aren't too comfortable, and that they don't enjoy their stay too much. The last thing you want is return business for your unwilling B&B.

He's a CF, you are too soft.

The trouble is that the nearest take out is about an hour and a half away lol!

Implement rules? Like 'please tie your youngest up or leave him in the car'.

I've just reminded DH that last time they stayed the younger one punched through both tweeters on his very posh speakers.

Poor you OP. You’re putting down boundaries that people are ignoring - it’s shit.
And I can’t believe your DH is taking unpaid time of work to prepare the room for this guest at shift notice.

Just seen your update - what? The child did that and you’re having him back? Did the parents pay for the speakers being repaired or replaced?

Also make sure they pay for and deliver anything their kid breaks.

My dad's super-super intelligent cousin once turned up from abroad with no warning at all, while we were all away on holiday. Our next door neighbour noticed the young man hanging about outside our house looking lost and very kindly took him in for a few days. He wowed her kids with his scientific knowledge and was gone before we came back.

You are not failing as an adult. These people are inconsiderate and your DH is not being much help. Do what you can and don't feel bad. They are the ones who were rude and should feel embarrassed but being insensitive people they probably wont.

I think the only unreasonable thing you have done is failing to tell your DH how rude his friends are and how useless he is been. You and DH are being much too accommodating. If you aren't the kind of people who can easily shuffle round to make room for them (some people are, some aren't) then you need to tell friends exactly when they can come (or that they can't come at all) and don't give them any choices. "You and Jane can stay on Thursday night. Sorry we don't have room for the kids." In future they can make their plans to visit round you not the other way round.

He broke the speakers and you’re having them back?? Did they pay for the damage?

They did not pay for the damage. I don't think they knew it had happened.

Would it be rude to suggest we all go out for dinner? It would mean a lot less time in the house (less likelyhood of it getting trashed and less hassle at home) but it's quite a trip to do that.

They asked to stay.
You said yes but give me notice.
They have not only decided to come without any notice but also are bringing children.
You say no, doesn't suit us and they then get stroppy.
YANBU, they can't shift the goalposts and then get narky at being told no!
Would being more assertive as to when they can come work: "you can come on X,Y or Z" or are they going to be thick skinned CFers.

They were all set to come tonight but forgot to mention it to their hosts? He's being rude in his reply. You on the other hand were being assertive and definitely not rude. We need more of this from the Mums on here..

I would insist on going out to dinner. Anything to make it easier on you.

YANBU at all. As per pps - You asked for some notice and they also specifically said the kids wouldn't be with them.

Really fucking cheeky to be stroppy in a message to you as well.