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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In saying they can't stay tonight?

231 replies

pinkgloves · 29/04/2019 15:14

A friend of dh and mine's asked to stay one night this week. Said they'd be coming on their own (they have two young dc) and possibly Monday but more likely later in the week.

I said 'sure, but give me a day or so's notice as we're planning on going away for a night.'

They messaged at 9am this morning saying they were coming this afternoon with their two dc also.

I don't have a room made up for them (in the process of swapping winter to summer gear so there's stuff everywhere and it's a few hours work to get it ready plus the house is a mess and needs a couple of days to clean before I want people staying!)

So I said we had plans for tonight now, tomorrow or Thursday would be fine.

DH is all stroppy because he thinks I've been rude. Friend sent a stroppy message saying he's now got to rejuggle plans as they were all set to come tonight.

I'm suffering from a particularly bad bout of anxiety and OCD at the moment so would like opinions on whether I've been unreasonable as I know my judgement can be clouded.

I don't do well with last minute plans which I why i asked for a day or so's heads up! I know that's not their problem though.

OP posts:
MyDcAreMarvel · 29/04/2019 15:50

Today is Monday though and surely the dc can share his bed. I think you are overthinking it tbh.

BlingLoving · 29/04/2019 15:52

well, he did say it might be Monday so I don't think you have the right to be annoyed by that, even with your request for notice as it sounds like the whole thing was fairly last minute. But bringing kids IS annoying and requires a whole extra level of effort he should have thought about.

Original poster
pinkgloves · 29/04/2019 15:52

DH just called saying he realises he's been out of order and he's sorry. So that's good!

They can't just come and put up with the mess, the room is packed full of winter gear I need dh to put in the attic.

He is more dh's friend than mine.

He probably doesn't think he's being cheeky, he's a lovely guy but an odd duck. He's super super intelligent (him and his wife both have tenure lecturing at Ivy League universities, have lots of friends in NASA, government etc).

I've posted about them before, I was massively concerned that they were letting their then 5 year old daughter play 10 minutes away out of sight on a sea wall, go on her scooter down a steep hill on to a main road and other stuff.

They've actually since had social worker intervention (whatever they got reported for must have been pretty bad as social workers here only come out for full on stuff) who are coming once a week. The little boy had been kicked out of 3 daycares now.

They're kind people they're just so so aloof and think nothing will ever happen to their kids. It's like they live on some alternative planet!

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 29/04/2019 15:53

well, he did say it might be Monday To which OP replied

'sure, but give me a day or so's notice as we're planning on going away for a night.'

At what point does doing a favour for someone have to come before your own plans?

Original poster
pinkgloves · 29/04/2019 15:54

We would have got the room ready yesterday if he'd given me notice like I'd asked. He said probably later in the week so when I didn't hear anything yesterday we assumed they weren't coming tonight and worked on other stuff.

OP posts:
Lweji · 29/04/2019 15:54

Just reply something along the lines of "I had asked for sufficient notice" and "you had told me you would come alone", plus "I would have to rejuggle my plans to let you stay without notice".

I don't have anxiety and can cope with last minute plans, but don't like it when people assume I'm at their beck and call.

BumbleBeee69 · 29/04/2019 15:56

They're users... I'm glad you said NO Flowers

ShinyShoe · 29/04/2019 15:59

What sleepwarrior said 👍

JamesBoredom · 29/04/2019 16:01

Ha, he definitely didn’t intend to bring the kids and then his wife was like, WTF? Why do you get a night off and I don’t?

MissusDave · 29/04/2019 16:02

Bloody cheeky, especially if they have a demon child. Would they have done the same if it was the other way around? I usually find that's a good measure for CFs. They don't sound like very good friends TBH

Binglebong · 29/04/2019 16:05

if your DH is working long hours will he even be present when his friend comes?!

Bluewall · 29/04/2019 16:07

Do the kids not have school ? How far are they traveling that they can't just go home ?

UrsulaPandress · 29/04/2019 16:10

Can they not sleep on your drive?

Pumpkintopf · 29/04/2019 16:11

Yanbu op, stick to your guns!

Original poster
pinkgloves · 29/04/2019 16:12

DH should be home in the evening, just won't have time to help sort the room.

The older one does have school so it's a bit odd they're taking her out.

They can't go home as we're very remote.

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 29/04/2019 16:13

As someone with OCD it is not unreasonable at all to need/want notice to prepare. It's even worse to change plans and spring things on people with anxiety disorders, its plain rude of him.

namechangel · 29/04/2019 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InceyWinceyette · 29/04/2019 16:15

Just reply "Sorry about your juggling - that's why I said give me a few days notice, LOL - thought you were coming later in the week'

SweetestSugar · 29/04/2019 16:19

You knew it would be "possibly Monday" - I think YABU as you should have prepared at the weekend for the chance they would come today.

Oly4 · 29/04/2019 16:19

I wouldn’t bat an eyelid at this, would send DH to make up the room
And would get a takeaway. I’d probably be happy to see said friend!

crimsonlake · 29/04/2019 16:20

I cannot work out if you have given in or not?

Acis · 29/04/2019 16:21

Friend sent a stroppy message saying he's now got to rejuggle plans as they were all set to come tonight.

Stroppy message back required, I think. "You wouldn't have to rejuggle if you had given a day or two's notice as pinkgloves asked. Nothing to stop you coming up today and staying in a hotel, of course." Even if you don't have any hotels or air bnbs very close by, there must be somewhere within driving distance.

And confirm that you can't accommodate the children anyway.

Lweji · 29/04/2019 16:23

you should have prepared at the weekend for the chance they would come today.

Not if they didn't give notice as requested! They just ignored this part and paid the price (hopefully).

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/04/2019 16:27

"Friend sent a stroppy message saying he's now got to rejuggle plans as they were all set to come tonight."

Have you responded yet? Because if not, that gives you an opportunity to set out some ground rules, which I think this family REALLY need. I would suggest:

"I asked for a day's notice, which you didn't give. You were coming alone, and you've changed that on me too, so don't think you're the only one having to rejuggle. Since you're bringing I now need to put all my breakables away as he trashed my home last time. This time - I will not stand for that. You and MUST - I repeat, MUST supervise him at all times. This is not negotiable. Otherwise, come alone."

If your anxiety/OCD won't let you text this to him, then pass my suggestion to your husband and get him to text.

Seriously, this 'friend' is a cheeky fucker and the family need to be clear that they are not coming to wreak havoc on you!

SweetestSugar · 29/04/2019 16:29

"I asked for a day's notice, which you didn't give. You were coming alone, and you've changed that on me too, so don't think you're the only one having to rejuggle. Since you're bringing I now need to put all my breakables away as he trashed my home last time. This time - I will not stand for that. You and MUST - I repeat, MUST supervise him at all times. This is not negotiable. Otherwise, come alone."

No one would seriously ever send a message like that! Come on...

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