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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In saying they can't stay tonight?

231 replies

pinkgloves · 29/04/2019 15:14

A friend of dh and mine's asked to stay one night this week. Said they'd be coming on their own (they have two young dc) and possibly Monday but more likely later in the week.

I said 'sure, but give me a day or so's notice as we're planning on going away for a night.'

They messaged at 9am this morning saying they were coming this afternoon with their two dc also.

I don't have a room made up for them (in the process of swapping winter to summer gear so there's stuff everywhere and it's a few hours work to get it ready plus the house is a mess and needs a couple of days to clean before I want people staying!)

So I said we had plans for tonight now, tomorrow or Thursday would be fine.

DH is all stroppy because he thinks I've been rude. Friend sent a stroppy message saying he's now got to rejuggle plans as they were all set to come tonight.

I'm suffering from a particularly bad bout of anxiety and OCD at the moment so would like opinions on whether I've been unreasonable as I know my judgement can be clouded.

I don't do well with last minute plans which I why i asked for a day or so's heads up! I know that's not their problem though.

OP posts:
downcasteyes · 29/04/2019 16:31

I hate people like this! To be honest, I would be saying no to them staying at all given the history with the child trashing your house.

That type never, ever host back either! We have friends who come to us, and we cook and clean the house and generally act as hosts like normal people when they come. When we go to them, we have to make our own bed and do the cooking for them, as well as cleaning up! There is nothing wrong with them and they have far more money than we have, they are just entitled!

QueenArseClangers · 29/04/2019 16:35

Ooooh, I remember the sea wall neglectful parent thread!
They sound verrrrry odd.

SunshineCake · 29/04/2019 16:35

You asked for notice. You didn't get it. They didn't ask they just said they were coming. Tell dh he can get the house all ready and cancel your night away if he's so bothered.

Bluewall · 29/04/2019 16:45

It all seems strange. So has he bought something on gumtree type thing and is coming to pick it up and then stay with you guys before heading home ? Why would he bring his kids to do that especially if he needs to take one out of school ?! Is it really that far that he couldn't drive early to pick it up and then home again that night ?

Bluewall · 29/04/2019 16:46

And yes I'm missing the point of the thread Grin

YANBU btw he should have let you know sooner they were coming !

Mitzimaybe · 29/04/2019 16:50

DH should be home in the evening, just won't have time to help sort the room

Either DH backs you up in saying no, or DH sorts the room. Not HELPS to sort the room, SORTS the room. And child proofing the rest of the house. And the food shopping or anything else that needs doing.

What, he hasn't time to do that? Well NEITHER HAVE YOU. You are so not being unreasonable.

Hazlenutpie · 29/04/2019 16:53

Bloody cheek! YANBU.

thenightsky · 29/04/2019 16:58

Oh, I do remember the sea wall incident thread! I don't think there's any point in saying or texting anything. They sound like the sort of people who are completely oblivious to their impact on others.

Holidayshopping · 29/04/2019 16:59

It all seems strange. So has he bought something on gumtree type thing and is coming to pick it up and then stay with you guys before heading home ? Why would he bring his kids to do that especially if he needs to take one out of school ?! Is it really that far that he couldn't drive early to pick it up and then home again that night

This!

With school attendance rules the way they are, I can’t imagine there is a code in the register for ‘collecting something we bought off Gumtree’ Grin.

IHateUncleJamie · 29/04/2019 17:04

You knew it would be "possibly Monday" - I think YABU as you should have prepared at the weekend for the chance they would come today.

You do know the OP isn’t running a B&B, do you? Hmm The bloke said he’d be coming by himself, maybe Monday but more likely later in the week. The OP asked for a day’s notice.

@pinkgloves YADNBU. At ALL. This man is a massive CF. Have you replied?

If not, I’d probably say “Well I am sorry but you DID say it would just be you, you DID say “more likely later in the week” and I DID ask for a day’s notice. So if you will be coming by yourself later in the week, just let me know in plenty of time and I’ll see what we can do.”

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/04/2019 17:13

It's like they live on some alternative planet!

Clearly Hmm Maybe remind them that, on this one, decent people give notice of how many will be coming and when

It's a good job your DH has come to his senses, but how's it been left? Do they really intend to "rejuggle plans" or are they still expecting to come?

LizB62A · 29/04/2019 17:14

If your DH is that bothered, get him to pick up whatever it is that his friend has bought, and then deliver it to him.....

downcasteyes · 29/04/2019 17:15

"It's like they live on some alternative planet!"

Some people do, though. Generally those who don't ever host anyone properly.

Jaxhog · 29/04/2019 17:23

So this CF thinks you can accomodate all 4 of them at less than a days notice?

He said just him, and you said give me at least a day's notice. Just say no.

diddl · 29/04/2019 17:39

I think for a lot of people, a message at 9am for an afternoon arrival would be fine.

It doesn't suit though so it's fine to say so & he's very rude to strop.

Would feel very inclined not to let him stay now-or say it must be just him.

How many hrs away is he-does he really have to stay?

BlueJava · 29/04/2019 18:11

If DH feels its so rude the he has to do it. I'd put your DS toys away then the terror can break anything else. All beds and clearing up can be done by DH as he is so keen. If not done by the time they arrive open door with a cheery "take us as you fins us".

Original poster
pinkgloves · 29/04/2019 18:18

We live on an island so there really is no way of him getting home.

But someone made a good point, is he coming to pick something up or as a social visit? Because a social visit would be much better on a weekend (when his wife can come and help reign in the little one a bit more).

We are in the States where school is a lot more relaxed on attendance but that's more for taking holiday or visiting a relative. Not 'going to pick something up from an internet sale.' Grin

OP posts:
carbuncleonapigsposterior · 29/04/2019 18:24

Don't doubt yourself OP, your reaction is perfectly normal. What planet are these people on Shock they've changed their original request completely, a request which incidentally could be deemed somewhat pushy, it's always best to be invited, rather than invite yourself. I feel angry on your behalf, don't stress yourself, "the friend" sounds a complete arse .

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/04/2019 18:25

We live on an island

Crikey - it sounds lovely, but when you said you were "remote" you obviously meant it Smile

So you said he'd planned to come this afternoon ... did he turn up or has he taken the point?

Original poster
pinkgloves · 29/04/2019 18:29

He didn't turn up thank goodness.

I'm betting he comes tomorrow and does the same thing of letting me know last minute. Gah. But at least I'm expecting it more now!

OP posts:
Motoko · 29/04/2019 18:41

Well, ask him what he's sorted out, when is he coming? Because you need to know.

Lweji · 29/04/2019 20:48

I don't think you should ask him.

And shouldn't accept another last minute notice either. Unless he was very apologetic.

IHateUncleJamie · 29/04/2019 21:20

Seriously, if he does the same again tomorrow - i.e. less than 24 hours notice - I would not accept that.

A “jokey” “Which bit of A day or so’s notice aren’t you understanding?” would do.

Bluntness100 · 29/04/2019 21:26

I think as you've already told him tomorrow is fine then you should st least prepare for him to come. Today was fine, you handled it well. But you've told him tomorrow is fine, I think it will be difficult to them tell hi. Tomorrow it's not.

Original poster
pinkgloves · 29/04/2019 21:55

@Bluntness100 that's how I feel but I still think it's rude to say the morning of.

DH has messaged him and asked him if he's planning on coming tomorrow as he's got a meeting now he can reschedule if he knows enough in advance. Nothing back. If we don't hear back tonight then he announces he's coming tomorrow again I'll be a bit peeved.

Living where we do there are other logistics like getting food etc.

OP posts: