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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pay for his children's holiday?

277 replies

Sunny47 · 29/04/2019 10:38

I've been with DP for 4 years now, he has 2 children ages 10 and 12 who live a few hours away, I have 3 children who live with us. Later this year I'm planning on paying for a family holiday for most of my family. We haven't all been away together in years so I thought it would be nice. DP mentioned that his children are going to feel left out and then ended up suggesting I pay for them to come too. He earns a lot less than me and wouldn't be able to afford to pay for them himself but the amount I'm already going to be paying is a lot and I don't know his children all that well. I see them a few times a year, the rest of my family have only met them a few times. They're lovely kids but I don't think I should be expected to pay for them

OP posts:
churchthecat · 29/04/2019 10:40

Why can't he start saving up now?

Jellybeansincognito · 29/04/2019 10:40

Is this a joke? When you get with somebody who has children you take them on as well.

But no, don’t pay for them. They should stay at home where they’re loved and wanted, and are a hell of a lot better well away from someone like you.

tanpestryfirescreen · 29/04/2019 10:41

So they are not part of your family then?

You know that if this was the other way round the massage would be LTB.

EllenRachel · 29/04/2019 10:42

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

CheeseIsEverything · 29/04/2019 10:42

I don't think you should be expected to pay but I do think your DP is right in that they may well feel left out. If I was your DP, I'd probably not go if I couldn't find the money to pay for my children to come too. I wouldn't expect my partner to though.

MarthasGinYard · 29/04/2019 10:42

Why should his dc be excluded

I would suggest you book a holiday that everyone can afford and be more inclusive

Imagine this the other way around

NCforthis2019 · 29/04/2019 10:45

Why can’t he start saving for them now?

brizzlemint · 29/04/2019 10:45

We haven't all been away together in years so I thought it would be nice.

You aren't all going away together though are you? They are your DP's family and a trip for all the family should include his children if they want to spend the time with you.

CheeseIsEverything · 29/04/2019 10:46

You seem like you have a bigger problem if your DP only sees his children a few times a year though...

MammaMia19 · 29/04/2019 10:46

How do you not know them well or see them much after 4 years?
They shoukd be invited and your do should pay what he can afford towards it.
They might not want to go if they don't know you that well anyway!

ScreamScreamIceCream · 29/04/2019 10:46

What a mess.

He needs to pay a contribution towards his kids coming and you need to pay the rest as you are a couple.

You knew he was a lower earner with kids when you coupled up with him, so you should have been aware that you would be paying more towards some of the extras you do as a family with 5 kids.

Original poster
Sunny47 · 29/04/2019 10:46

I understand why this might seem cruel but DP doesn't see them very often either, I don't think I should be blame for his children feeling left out. He's never bothered to take them on holiday

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 29/04/2019 10:47

Why do ypou see them so rarely?
Does he see them more often?

Tbh thry aren't part of your family, haven't bothered to have a relationship with them so I think it's reasonable to not expect them to go on holiday with a load of strangers who resent them.

Perhaps DP could book a cheaper holiday at the same time for him and his children?

MarthasGinYard · 29/04/2019 10:47

'He's never bothered to take them on holiday'

So perhaps you should suggest he does??

TheFairyCaravan · 29/04/2019 10:47

You've been with man for 4 years but don't know his children? YABU just for that.

Redlocks28 · 29/04/2019 10:48

I completely understand where you’re coming from. If he wants them to come, he can pay. Are you paying for him as well?

He doesn’t sound like much of a catch.

CheeseIsEverything · 29/04/2019 10:48

Okay after your update, I definitely think you have a bigger problem than a holiday.

Why is your DP only seeing his kids a few times a year?

7yo7yo · 29/04/2019 10:49

He should contribute something to the Costs but if you can afford it why don’t you?
I couldn’t see this relationship going much further to be honest.

Hollowvictory · 29/04/2019 10:49

No don't pay for them they are not your responsibility.
Martgasginyard, if it was the other way round the same would apply surely. Nobody is obliged to pay to take someone else's kids on holiday

AllTheFunAndGames · 29/04/2019 10:50

Can their DM chip n towards their share and your DP save up the rest? It seems fair to include them in a family holiday.

chocolatefondantcake · 29/04/2019 10:50

Yabu to be with someone who only sees their kids a few times a year. Says a lot about him, and you quite frankly.

TixieLix · 29/04/2019 10:51

Surely when you moved in with your DP you became a blended family so his DCs are part of the family set up too, even if they don't live with you? Why then are you prepared to pay for your extended family members to go away, but not your DP's DCs? As others have said, if this was the other way round and your DP was paying for a holiday but saying he couldn't afford to take your DCs, you would not be pleased. Can't your extended family pay for themselves to go on the holiday?

Why, after 4 years, have you only met his DCs a few times? Does he go to see them without you?

Spanglyprincess1 · 29/04/2019 10:51

Wow people are unreasonable. No you don't have to pay but he may not wnat to come. Which is reasonable.
You paying half the costs and him meeting the rest is very very reasonable. I do this for family holiday with my dp who is a lower earner, but I would never pay for an entire holiday as he is an adult and chose to have children. I would however try n find somewhere in budget where possible or not expect him to come without them if he didn't wnat to.
How do you normally do holidays? I assume he doesn't see the kids often based on your post. Do the kids go away with their mom?

Justheretosee · 29/04/2019 10:51

Could he pay as much as he could afford and you make up the difference?

Clutterbugsmum · 29/04/2019 10:51

Why is it OP responsibility to pay for his children to go away with them, she already paying for her 3 children. If he wants his children to come then he needs finds away to fund that. He can get a better paying job or even a second one if need be.

No one excluding his children but him.