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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to pay for his children's holiday?

277 replies

Sunny47 · 29/04/2019 10:38

I've been with DP for 4 years now, he has 2 children ages 10 and 12 who live a few hours away, I have 3 children who live with us. Later this year I'm planning on paying for a family holiday for most of my family. We haven't all been away together in years so I thought it would be nice. DP mentioned that his children are going to feel left out and then ended up suggesting I pay for them to come too. He earns a lot less than me and wouldn't be able to afford to pay for them himself but the amount I'm already going to be paying is a lot and I don't know his children all that well. I see them a few times a year, the rest of my family have only met them a few times. They're lovely kids but I don't think I should be expected to pay for them

OP posts:
daphine2004 · 29/04/2019 10:52

I don’t think you should pay at all. I think if you wanted to invite them to come along you should, but the cost bared by your DP and the mum.

Jellybeansincognito · 29/04/2019 10:52

@hollowvictory - none of the family are her responsibility bar her own children. When you’re paying for a whole family to go away, you don’t leave out your partners children and then blame your partner because he doesn’t see them very much anyway. It’s unsurprising he doesn’t see them very often with such support from a partner.
Both as bad as each other. I couldn’t be with someone who gave such a toss about their own kids.

Original poster
Sunny47 · 29/04/2019 10:53

He sees them more than a few times a year, i see them a few times a year and he goes to see them about once a month. I've mentioned to him before he should spend more time with them. I don't know them very well after 4 years because I've never really had the chance to get to know them. I also want to add this isn't personal to the children at all, I don't resent them in the slightest it's more about DP and his expectations

OP posts:
CheeseIsEverything · 29/04/2019 10:53

I totally agree it's not OPs responsibility to pay. She'd be very generous if she decided to offer (if she can) but no, it's not her responsibility.

I'd expect her DP not to go though if he's honestly concerned about how it will affect his children.

Maybe he can spend the time you're away with his kids considering he barely sees them?

TixieLix · 29/04/2019 10:54

OK, I cross posted with your update. I think the more distasteful thing here is having a DP that can't be arsed to see his kids regularly.

Spanglyprincess1 · 29/04/2019 10:54

Comments about blending:*op isn't a cash cow. She doesn't have to pay for someone else who isn't her dependant unless she wishes to. If the dsc lived with them or 50:50 maybe as they would have a developed relationship and she would want to help. But he still has to try and contribute something, he's their dad.

Teddybear45 · 29/04/2019 10:55

This isn’t really about whether you should pay for your DP’s kids’ to come on holiday. This is really about whether you are right to say your DP has no input to how you spend money when he is your dependant.

If you were the low earner whose kids had been rejected for a family earner the responses on this thread would have been very different.

TriciaH87 · 29/04/2019 10:55

So if he was the high earner it would be OK by you for him to tell you leave your kids with other parent and take his. Your supposed to be one family. If you can't make more effort to see his kids more etc then maybe do not be with a man who also has children from a past relationship. If he did this to your children you would be fuming.

Teddybear45 · 29/04/2019 10:56

It may be the case later that if something happened to your earning potential and he begins to outearn you that you and your kids will get a taste of your own medicine. You reap what you sow

angieloumc · 29/04/2019 10:57

I don't think it's your responsibility to pay OP but what a prince of a man you have there. Willing to go on holiday with your children (I presume you've had to pay for him too) but he's not prepared to save to pay for his to go on this family holiday.

Spanglyprincess1 · 29/04/2019 10:57

Personally I wouldn't expect a partner who want my child's father to pay for them.
Pay for me... Maybe. Pay for them no.
I pay for them as I choose to have a child and they are my resposnbaility.
It would be the smae if I earned more or less.
The only way it would be different is if I or my partner was a sahp for our children then of course I'd pay as it would be unreasonable not to. If both parties work then they can also both save for luxuries.

MyToothPain · 29/04/2019 10:58

Have they ever been on holiday with you before? Either with or without your own DC?

Has your DP taken his kids away with, or without you, in the last 4 years?

What is your usual routine in terms of taking your own DC on holiday? Do you take them every year? More than once? And does your DP come along and - most importantly - how much does he pay towards the cost of a holiday with you and your DC?

RomanyQueen1 · 29/04/2019 10:59

YANBU unless he regularly pays for things for your children.
What bill does he pay.
Yes, you take on other people's children, but they have 2 parents already who are responsible for providing for them.
You and your ex have your dc you are responsible for.
That's the way it goes.

Hollowvictory · 29/04/2019 10:59

But they aren't a blended family are they? The op barely sees them.
I would not pay for someone else's kids to go on holiday. Sorry, that's his responsibility. You can't take on the financial res for his children as well as your own

gottastopeatingchocolate · 29/04/2019 11:01

This holiday might be an opportunity to spend time together and get to know the children.

I would personally book a holiday that you can afford to take all the children on. But I do think DP should contribute what he can afford to pay for his own children. (So maybe use that as a marker for the budget?).

Otherwise, I would take my own children away, and let DP spend that time as quality time with his own children.

Does DP live with you? Is it quite a slow building relationship? (Which I ask without judgement - just trying to understand the dynamics 4 years in).

To the PP suggesting that the children's mum contribute to the holiday with dad and his current DP - really??

S1naidSucks · 29/04/2019 11:04

Never have a child with this waste of space, OP.

Beachbodynowayready · 29/04/2019 11:04

Dh is a cf to expect you to pay for something which is def his responsibility.
Does he pay for your dc? Not by the sounds of it. Does he pay cms for his dc?

Jellybeansincognito · 29/04/2019 11:07

‘I’ve never really had chance to get to know them’

Haha, figures 🙄

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 11:12

So if he was the high earner it would be OK by you for him to tell you leave your kids with other parent and take his. Your supposed to be one family. If you can't make more effort to see his kids more etc then maybe do not be with a man who also has children from a past relationship. If he did this to your children you would be fuming

why should op make more effort to see his kids when he himself only sees them once a month?

its not about being the higher earner, these kids aren't part of OPs family. She barely knows them. Whilst I would invite them, I wouldn't pay for them.

He couldn't do that to op because she lives with her children and supports them.

Jaxhog · 29/04/2019 11:12

At the very least, he should be offering to pay something towards them going, if he feels so strongly that they should come.

But won't it feel a bit strange for them to go away with your family, if they haven't spent any length of time with them before? They may not want to go on holiday with a bunch of strangers.

Btw, I don't think it is your responsibility to do more than make them welcome when they visit. If your DP doesn't do this, then I don't see how you can. They are his DCs - not yours.

HollowTalk · 29/04/2019 11:13

Why are people being so critical of the OP? It sounds to be as though this guy is a cocklodger. He doesn't want to pay for his children to go on holiday. He wants the OP to pay for them. Why is she to blame for this?

And he is not a dependent, ffs. He's got a job and his own kids. They're not married. In what way is he a dependent?

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 11:15

He wants the OP to pay for them. Why is she to blame for this?

because this is MN and step mothers are evil.

Hollowvictory · 29/04/2019 11:16

People saying 'you're supposed to be one family' why do you say that? They aren't one family, the op barely knows his kids. Why are they supposed to be one family? What nonsense! Even if they were a blended family, which they aren't, that doesn't mean the op cant take her kids away without paying for the others

YetAnotherSpartacus · 29/04/2019 11:19

No way would I pay for them. Who else is going? It sounds like more than just you, him and your kids? Why can't he stay at home with his kids?

Jellybeansincognito · 29/04/2019 11:21

@hollowvictory is it a surprise to you that op doesn’t know these kids well? It sounds more like her issue than her partners. His flaws sound financially responsible (not mainly) and that’s only going from information op has provided us with.
At 10 and 12 I wanted to spend weekends with friends and had stuff going on all the time.