Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pay for his children's holiday?

277 replies

Sunny47 · 29/04/2019 10:38

I've been with DP for 4 years now, he has 2 children ages 10 and 12 who live a few hours away, I have 3 children who live with us. Later this year I'm planning on paying for a family holiday for most of my family. We haven't all been away together in years so I thought it would be nice. DP mentioned that his children are going to feel left out and then ended up suggesting I pay for them to come too. He earns a lot less than me and wouldn't be able to afford to pay for them himself but the amount I'm already going to be paying is a lot and I don't know his children all that well. I see them a few times a year, the rest of my family have only met them a few times. They're lovely kids but I don't think I should be expected to pay for them

OP posts:
MondeoFan · 29/04/2019 12:00

If he's earning a lot less than you then I don't think it'd hurt for you to pay for them. Regardless on if you've only met them a few times. They are kids and should be included

LillithsFamiliar · 29/04/2019 12:00

I don't think OP can blame her DP for the fact she doesn't have a relationship with his DC. He sees them about once a month and OP only sees them a few times per year. She hasn't made an effort to build a relationship with them.

Sofagirl · 29/04/2019 12:02

Don’t pay for them it’s not your obligation

I’m shocked by the fact your other half isn’t willing to contribute in any way even with your own immediate family

I would suggest you go away as planned and maybe do a cheap seaside day trip with his children to even it out

CheeseIsEverything · 29/04/2019 12:02

Jaxhog, absolutely. It gets spouted all the time whenever a SM tries to get involved in anything to do with step child that 'they have two parents they don't need another' etc..

Funny how it doesn't seem to apply when the same children then seem to be missing out on something without the step mother's input. Then it's all about responsibility and how you shouldn't be with a man with kids if you don't want to treat them as your own.

tisonlymeagain · 29/04/2019 12:02

I think it's reasonable for him to expect them to go on the family holiday, but unreasonable to expect you to pay.

My DP's kids are coming on holiday with us in the summer, but he's paying half.

acomingin · 29/04/2019 12:03

Not your responsibility. Anyone who thinks it is must be potty , frankly.

OllyBJolly · 29/04/2019 12:04

I'm planning on paying for a family holiday

No, you're planning on taking your boyfriend on holiday with your children. Quite cruel for his children to see their hapless dad play happy families with someone else's kids.

Goldmandra · 29/04/2019 12:09

You call him your DP.

In reality, is he your partner or your boyfriend?

If he is your boyfriend, he and his children are not your family and, if you want to just invite one of them on holiday, that's fine.

If he is your partner and you are in a permanent relationship, he and his children are your family and your financial resources are shared. Therefore a family holiday should include the whole family so you should be paying for his children too.

Maybe you and your 'DP' have different perceptions of your relationship.

llangennith · 29/04/2019 12:10

YANBU. Not at all. They will presumably be getting a holiday with their mother?
Stepchildren don't always have to be included in every single event especially if it's the OP's family holiday and no, they're not part of the OP's family when she's referring to HER relatives.
Don't the OP's children deserve a holiday with their mother without the stepchildren?

regmover · 29/04/2019 12:11

It isn't a family holiday. Sadly his children aren't part of the family if Op sees them hardly ever and her children see them even less. It is their father's decision that he doesn't see them very often, and also that he hasn't wanted to try to bring the two families together. But no - of course Op shouldn't pay for them to come on the holiday and I'd suggest it would be hardly fair on her children to take a couple of near strangers along.

usman430 · 29/04/2019 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

starzig · 29/04/2019 12:16

Can their mum not pay?

AryaStarkWolf · 29/04/2019 12:17

Can their mum not pay?

Why would their mom pay for them to go on holiday with their dads g/f's family? Hmm

JenniferJareau · 29/04/2019 12:17

YANBU. I think your dp suggesting his kids would feel left out is just a ploy to get you to pay for them. You don't have a close relationship with them so I don't think they would be massively put out.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 12:19

it’s her holiday, she’s planning and paying for everyone but didn’t even consider her partners 2 children
How is that his fault?

they are not her family, he has made no effort for them to be anything to do with OP. Why would OP pay to take near strangers on holiday?

here's a radical idea - why doesn't he parent his children properly?

chocolatefondantcake · 29/04/2019 12:19

It must be super shit for the kids to know he lives with someone else's kids, but makes bugger all effort with them.

AlexaAmbidextra · 29/04/2019 12:21

If he is your partner and you are in a permanent relationship, he and his children are your family and your financial resources are shared.

No, their financial resources are arranged however they want them to be. It isn’t for you to tell them that their finances are shared. 🙄

Clutterbugsmum · 29/04/2019 12:21

starzig Can their mum not pay?

WTF should she. The DAD is the one who is whinging about HIS children not going on the holiday. HE is the one who responsibility to pay FOR HIS children.

Here's an idea the DAD who can not afford to take his children on holiday needs to look for a better paid job so HE can afford it and not expect the women in his life to carry him.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 12:21

if he doesn't want his children to feel left out then HE needs to do something about that. HE needs to facilitate contact between op, her kids and his kids. HE needs to work on building the relationship.

you don't go from a couple of meetings to YOU MUST PAY FOR MY CHILDRENS HOLIDAY.

doesn't work like that and nor should it.

GunpowderGelatine · 29/04/2019 12:25

I'm going to tell you a secret OP, but keep this to yourself....the concept of having to do every last thing together when you have a blended family - even if you seldom see your SC and they do plenty with their RP - is only one that exists on MN. IRL blended families do things separately all the time and no one cares, least of all the children. If your DH is that bothered then he can find a way to pay for them himself but no you should not have to pay for two extra people (who'll be charged at adult prices no doubt) if you don't want to.

Beachbodynowayready · 29/04/2019 12:26

If his dc would feel left of a family event why isn't he making them feel like his home is their family home also? He wants to play Disney Dad and you pay for it!

EL8888 · 29/04/2019 12:27

@tisonlymeagain exactly this! She hasn’t said they aren’t invited so they aren’t being excluded. But why does she have to pay for everyone?!

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 29/04/2019 12:27

He's not her husband, he's her dp. For some that might be a relationship akin to marriage, but it's equally likely that he's more of a boyfriend. They might not be enmeshed in each other's lives to the degree where they share finances and help parent each other's children. They are not a blended family if the OP only sees his children occasionally. Even if they were married the OP has no obligation to pay for his children while he is perfectly capable of doing it himself.
I don't think it's terrible for the OP to go on a family holiday with her family. The fact is that in step families everyone has different relatives and connections and you can't expect for every activity to be appropriate for everyone.
Maybe these children go on lots of holidays with their mum and her side of the family. Maybe there is no value for them in going away with OPs kids and her extended family since they barely know each other.
There is no one size fits all since circumstances in step families are individual.
I certainly believe it is the dad's job to pay for his own children to go on holiday - if not this one then another. Madness to suggest their mother contributes to the holiday her ex would be taking them on with the OP. It sure as hell isn't her job to sub his holidays.

Ellisandra · 29/04/2019 12:28

Oh I’m PMSL at asking the mum to pay!

“Dear MN. My XH is a useless cunt - never has taken the kids away, only turns up to see them once a month, I have full time responsibility for them, although he seems to have time for someone else’s 3 kids Confused. His GF sounds OK - certainly the 10 or so times my kids have met her they’ve always come back with positive tales. Now, he wants to take them on holiday - has never bothered before, but frankly it’s the GF’s idea. But he’s asked me to pay - IABU to say no?”

Fuck me Grin

ScrewyMcScrewup · 29/04/2019 12:29

Why are you with a man who only sees his children once a month?