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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pay for his children's holiday?

277 replies

Sunny47 · 29/04/2019 10:38

I've been with DP for 4 years now, he has 2 children ages 10 and 12 who live a few hours away, I have 3 children who live with us. Later this year I'm planning on paying for a family holiday for most of my family. We haven't all been away together in years so I thought it would be nice. DP mentioned that his children are going to feel left out and then ended up suggesting I pay for them to come too. He earns a lot less than me and wouldn't be able to afford to pay for them himself but the amount I'm already going to be paying is a lot and I don't know his children all that well. I see them a few times a year, the rest of my family have only met them a few times. They're lovely kids but I don't think I should be expected to pay for them

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 29/04/2019 21:30

@plantpot
Yes I'd expect him to contribute, I think a holiday with the DC should be a priority over other family members.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 21:51

Why?

Op is obviously close to her family. The kids are not her family.

Dillydallyingthrough · 29/04/2019 21:54

YANBU it's his responsibility to pay and take them and I definitely wouldn't be looking at going anywhere cheaper so everyone could go - sorry but that means your children have to go somewhere more than likely not as nice to pay for someone else's kids.

If you had a close relationship with them, I might say differently. However I've never got into a relationship that would lower my DD's standard of living. I worked ridiculously hard to raise it.

AlexaAmbidextra · 29/04/2019 21:57

Anyway, all I can say is poor kids, let's hope their DM puts them first and takes them on family holidays

Well of course she will because she’s perfect. An absolute paragon because she’s a biological mother. Unlike the wicked bitch of a stepmother who can do nothing right. It’s written in the holy bible of Mumsnet.

LillithsFamiliar · 29/04/2019 22:01

Plant why are you assuming OP is close to her family? You've argued over three pages without knowing any of the details since OP hasn't provided them. It's fine for you to answer based on your assumptions but it's odd to then argue with other posters as though your assumptions are fact.

Jamhandprints · 29/04/2019 22:03

Of course Cinderella shouldnt go to the ball.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 22:07

why are you assuming OP is close to her family?

Because she's paying to take them on holiday and generally people dont do that for people they arent close to or dont get on with. I dont think thats me making wild assumptions!

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 29/04/2019 22:17

Fucking hell, it sucks to be a stepmum. OP isn't even a stepmum and she's still getting the same flak.

Stepmums always have to remember their place (in the kennel), that they have no rights, no say about anything, that they are insignificant and are damaging to children by virtue of their very existence, and that THE CHILD ALREADY HAS TWO PARENTS.

But when it comes to money, or giving lifts, or emergency child care, or washing and ironing clothes then they also have to remember that these things are their immediate priority and how fucking dare they do anything but snap to it and pay up with a wink and a smile.

It's all such bullshit. If the OP was asking to go to one of the kid's school plays she'd get roasted and told she's nothing to do with the kids and to piss off, but it's ok for her to skint herself for them at the same time?

nickyXjayno · 29/04/2019 22:38

End of day they are his kids. Should she be expected to pay child support also next?
I was a single parent to my son for years on min wage and even though am now married my earnings are still not brilliant as my working hours work around school times. There's no way in hell i would pay for my step kids to go on holidays etc. Our money is together but after I've paid my half of bills and finances I've not got much free spending money left over and I still have my own little boy to pay for. I love my step kids but that's what they are step. I'm not their mother or their father. Their mum and dad created them and are the ones paying for them. Just because you get into a relationship with someone with kids doesn't automatically them them your financial responsibility.

Louiselouie0890 · 29/04/2019 22:54

Hold on, OP isn't the stepmother and they are not her step children. She has no responsibility for them. I would not pay.

Dreamingofhome · 30/04/2019 00:32

You do not have to pay for the children to join your holiday OP. That is up to their dad. Dating a man who doesn’t see his children regularly would put me off for sure. How do you deal with that?

acomingin · 30/04/2019 06:47

Ralph is so right. Too many first wives ready to stick the boot in on mumsnet.

Inliverpool1 · 30/04/2019 07:02

The only reason first wives or 2nd in my case he’s on to the third “stick the boot in” is down to the ex let’s be honest. If he stepped up and said yes fine here’s my share of the money for me and my kids there would be no issue. It’s him. He shouldn’t be going on holiday unless he can take his kids, but he will

bibbitybobbityyhat · 30/04/2019 07:12

I agree with Bookworm4. Your partner's children should feature more in your family life. It sounds a pretty dismal set-up tbh.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/04/2019 07:18

Your partner's children should feature more in your family life

Its up to ops partner to facilitate that. Not op.

InceyWinceyette · 30/04/2019 07:27

OP: does he pay towards the day to day upkeep of your kids at all? For instance do you share house running costs 50:50? Does he take a share of childcare ?

Pretty hard for kids to see their Dad playing step Dad to other children and going in hol with them, and them excluded.

Holidayshopping · 30/04/2019 07:33

The issue here is obviously your part we expecting to be able to dictate how you should spend your money. If he has never bothered to take them onbomiday before, why should it now only happens cause you are around?

Are you coming back to answer any questions, @sunny47?

Sparkletastic · 30/04/2019 07:35

Wouldn't pay for them OR him to come.

aurynne · 30/04/2019 07:39

Do you realise that, if you and your DP ever break up, this is how he will treat your children too?

InceyWinceyette · 30/04/2019 07:47

“Do you realise that, if you and your DP ever break up, this is how he will treat your children too?”
Confused The OP’s kids aren’t his kids. Should he pay for their hold if they break up?

Honeydukes92 · 30/04/2019 07:48

Urgh OP ignore the negative comments.

You’re not saying you don’t LIKE them, or even that you done WANT to include them.

(If you were that would be a different story)

But ofc you shouldn’t have to pay for them. If your DH is working and financially I dependant then he should pay for his own children. When you get with a guy who have kids, they become a welcome part of your family- but not your financial liability 🤔

Ghanagirl · 30/04/2019 07:48

So boring when OP starts thread then fails to answer any questions.
@sunny47👋🏾

WhatTheHellIsGoingOnn · 30/04/2019 08:46

Typical.

There is absolute carnage on MN if an unmarried woman calls herself a step mother usually.

Oh, until it involves money...

SihtricsHorseWitnere · 30/04/2019 09:07

What Ellisandra said. I wouldn't be paying for him to come along, either, because wouldn't be with such a lame excuse for a father. Why so many women entertain such deadbeats amazes me.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 30/04/2019 10:44

Ralph is so right. Too many first wives ready to stick the boot in on mumsnet

Yep.

Why so many women entertain such deadbeats amazes me

Why is it the OP's issue? The real issue is why the first wife put up with what she did.

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