Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pay for his children's holiday?

277 replies

Sunny47 · 29/04/2019 10:38

I've been with DP for 4 years now, he has 2 children ages 10 and 12 who live a few hours away, I have 3 children who live with us. Later this year I'm planning on paying for a family holiday for most of my family. We haven't all been away together in years so I thought it would be nice. DP mentioned that his children are going to feel left out and then ended up suggesting I pay for them to come too. He earns a lot less than me and wouldn't be able to afford to pay for them himself but the amount I'm already going to be paying is a lot and I don't know his children all that well. I see them a few times a year, the rest of my family have only met them a few times. They're lovely kids but I don't think I should be expected to pay for them

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 29/04/2019 11:36

where from because I didn't?

From here :

Later this year I'm planning on paying for a family holiday for most of my family
He earns a lot less than me and wouldn't be able to afford to pay for them himself but the amount I'm already going to be paying is a lot

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 11:36

Don’t get into a relationship with someone who has children if you don’t want to accept them into your family

tbh if their dad sees them once a month, he clearly isn't bothered in including them or becoming a family with OP is he?

Why do people think it should be the new partners that encourage contact and pay for everything etc etc

No sorry, that is the parents responsibility. The step parent should be available, kind and a "friendly adult" towards the kids but it is NOT their responsibility to arrange contact, OR fund it.

Hanab · 29/04/2019 11:36

Why must the OP pay?
They are not married as he is referred as the DP not DH..

In any case she is footing the bill for her kids so he should do the same.

On other posts where ex wives or whatever has asked for the new partner/wifes earnings to also taken into consideration when child support is talked about .. many have said no hers is hers and the dad must pay according to his earnings ( something like that) so does it not apply on this case as well? Why must the OP’s kids miss out if SHE can afford to treat her own kids. Her partner surely can’t begrudge her. He can make a plan to contribute if he wants his kids to go along. Would He pay for OP’s kids to go on holiday if he was the 1 planning it?

Why is there so much entitlement? It would be nice if OP did pay but does mean every time she wants to do something for her kids she will be told partners kids have to be included?

Between the parents of the kids can they not come together and treat them too?

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 11:36

yes planning - not paying for.

she's paying a lot because she has kids!!

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 11:37

oh no sorry I misread! ok fair enough!

Jellybeansincognito · 29/04/2019 11:37

@Ellisandra I agree, but can understand to a degree a bit more given the kids ages. What upsets me even more is op is just as useless to them by not trying to get to know them or treat them like family either.
It’s sad all around!

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 11:37

but they're not op's family - she doesn't have a relationship with them and that was her partners choice.

He cant go back on that now because he doesn't want to pay himself!

Dishwashersaurous · 29/04/2019 11:38

The only issue here is that a father only sees his children once a month. The holiday is a complete side issue and this is what he needs to urgently address

AhhhHereItGoes · 29/04/2019 11:38

I'd not want to have a DP who is such an uninterested father.

So I'd no longer be with and therefore, not take his kids.

AryaStarkWolf · 29/04/2019 11:38

yes planning - not paying for.

She literally says "I'm planning on paying for a family holiday for most of my family though"

Jellybeansincognito · 29/04/2019 11:39

@PlantPotParrot - how was it the dads choice? He sees his kids without the partner a lot, she doesn’t want to invite them away... it seems like her isolating herself from them more than anything else tbh.

Ellisandra · 29/04/2019 11:39

@PlantPotParrot in the OP she says she was paying for “most” of her family, so I think that’s clear that she’s paying for more than just herself and children (and the useless waster I suppose)

Anyway, doesn’t matter if she’s paying for her family or not. She STILL shouldn’t be expected by this wanker loser crap dad to pay for his kids!

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 11:40

how was it the dads choice? He sees his kids without the partner a lot, she doesn’t want to invite them away... it seems like her isolating herself from them more than anything else tbh

how isn't it his choice, if he wants her to see his kids, he needs to facilitate that and clearly he is not. Its not up to her to force herself on his kids, and if she did she would be slated for that too!

arya yes I know I said I misread!

Hopeygoflightly · 29/04/2019 11:41

Under the circumstances I don't think YABU as you aren't really a proper blended family from the sounds if it. It's less about the money and more about the relationship, or lack of one that you both have with these children. He really needs to see his kids more than once a month but unless you are all together more then going on hols together might be a bit weird quite frankly.

AryaStarkWolf · 29/04/2019 11:44

arya yes I know I said I misread!

I had posted that before I saw you other post :p

Jellybeansincognito · 29/04/2019 11:44

@PlantPotParrat - it’s her holiday, she’s planning and paying for everyone but didn’t even consider her partners 2 children.
How is that his fault?

Badwifey · 29/04/2019 11:44

Excluding children is cruel.

Ellisandra · 29/04/2019 11:45

@Jellybeansincognito I certainly have a big Hmm for OP because I think her taste in men is bad. I don’t know how someone can be attracted to a man who doesn’t care about seeing his kids.

I don’t think she’s actively not got involved with them, as a deliberate decision.

If they live several hours apart, and she had kids, I don’t see how well that would work with travel. She can’t really uproot her kids to their town (time, cost, interruption to their activities) EOW. He could bring his kids to her... but that’s travel time for them. So I doubt it’s OP’s lack of interest.

As a step parent, you need an open door for the children on holidays - but it’s not up to you to travel to them, especially when your loser boyfriend can’t be arsed.

OP... I would love to know what this “once a month” is? I bet he’s not taking a half day off work to travel so that he’s there at 15:30 Friday and then dropping them back as late as he can on Sunday, is he?

Springwalk · 29/04/2019 11:46

You need to be honest and say you don't want them there.

If you did you would be making much more of an effort to include them, either by booking somewhere cheaper or by making it possible for your dp to help pay for them in some way. I don't think you should be paying for the holiday entirely, but you could at least look at ways they could come too.

You sound like exceptionally rubbish parents to those children.

Gratefulbeyond103 · 29/04/2019 11:53

Yanbu op. This isnt a blended family by any means. I wouldnt even think of them as stepchildren because it seems you or your children dont spend time together or even know each other that well.
Do your kids even get along?
You mentioned that your family is coming along? Wouldn't that make it awkward for everyone as well? Assuming they want to spend time with your kids, this places everyone in an awkward position to now include or spend money on children they barely know.
As this setup is far from a blended family I really dont think yabu or should be paying for them. If your dp cant pay for them then unfortunately they cant come or he sits this one out.

ItsAllGone19 · 29/04/2019 11:54

From your DPs perspective you are paying for your extended family to go on holiday but excluding his children. You are making a very clear point that his children are not family...by extension neither is he.

If I was your DP I'd understand the message you are sending loud and clear and be considering what kind of future I could have with someone so selfish.

Jellybeansincognito · 29/04/2019 11:56

@Ellisandra, id agree but personally couldn’t leave out the kids in this circumstance and would paint her as just as bad as her partner because neither of them can be arsed with them.

You can’t say your partner doesn’t see his kids enough and then not invite them on a family holiday.

CheeseIsEverything · 29/04/2019 11:57

You sound like exceptionally rubbish parents to those children

No, he is the rubbish parent. Singular. OP isn't their parent.

AryaStarkWolf · 29/04/2019 11:57

You sound like exceptionally rubbish parents to those children.

She isn't their parent though, they're not married and don't share money, he's the B/f

Jaxhog · 29/04/2019 11:58

I'm mystified why so many people think it is the Ops responsibility to engage with her DP's children if he doesn't. They don't live with her, and she isn't married to her DP, so she isn't a Step Mum. By this argument, why not ask her to invite and pay for her DCs father as well! I've read enough threads on MN that would vilify her for 'interfering' with her DPs relationship with his kids.

He is being unreasonable to suggest that HIS Dcs go on hols with them at HER expense. If he's that concerned, he should pay for his own kids to go.

Even if he did pay, guess who'd be looking after ALL the kids. Yep - the Op.