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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pay for his children's holiday?

277 replies

Sunny47 · 29/04/2019 10:38

I've been with DP for 4 years now, he has 2 children ages 10 and 12 who live a few hours away, I have 3 children who live with us. Later this year I'm planning on paying for a family holiday for most of my family. We haven't all been away together in years so I thought it would be nice. DP mentioned that his children are going to feel left out and then ended up suggesting I pay for them to come too. He earns a lot less than me and wouldn't be able to afford to pay for them himself but the amount I'm already going to be paying is a lot and I don't know his children all that well. I see them a few times a year, the rest of my family have only met them a few times. They're lovely kids but I don't think I should be expected to pay for them

OP posts:
Erignon · 29/04/2019 11:22

My DH has DCs. I have paid for them to accompany us and my DCs on holidays for years and I will continue to do so. Wouldn't have it any other way.

Purpleartichoke · 29/04/2019 11:22

A “trip with the family” that excludes his children is problematic. I would plan a trip he can afford. If you don’t share finances, you really need to live at lower earner’s income level.

AryaStarkWolf · 29/04/2019 11:23

I mean it sounds more like a you are b/f and g/f rather than a blended family since you clearly don't pool your resources etc. If that's the case then I understand where you're coming from.

Does he see your kids as his step children?

Jellybeansincognito · 29/04/2019 11:23

@hollowvictory - it’s also fine if op wanted to take her kids away. But to include her whole family, and her partner of 4 years yet not invite his kids too? Harsh. Op is the adult, why is there zero effort on her part to get to know these children? What a great opportunity to get to know them, a ‘family’ holiday, only they’re not invited because op doesn’t want to pay for them even whilst knowing her partner can’t afford to pay for them.

LillithsFamiliar · 29/04/2019 11:24

Who is 'most of your family'? It doesn't sound as though he generally asks you to pay for his DCs but he may have misinterpreted what you meant when you said you were organising a big family holiday and paying for everyone. It would be natural if he though of his DCs as part of his family before thinking of your extended family who presumably you don't live with either.

Ellisandra · 29/04/2019 11:24

What is attractive to you about a man who only bothers to see his young kids once a month? Confused

Forget the fact that he’s taking the piss expecting you to pay for them.

How can you respect him enough to be with him?

I’ve just paid 50% of an expensive trip for 2 stepsons who are young adults who I have never parented / lived with. Because I’m the higher earner, and because my husband and I are a team. He’s also a bloody good father.

I will never understand why women are in such a rush to be with arseholes like this. Why doesn’t every woman make the Confused face at once a month (and never taking them on holiday) and just walk away?
To me, he’s an undatable.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 11:25

My DH has DCs. I have paid for them to accompany us and my DCs on holidays for years and I will continue to do so. Wouldn't have it any other way

presumably though you have a relationship, and spend time with them ordinarily?

we take DSS on holidays and I've paid for it, but I have known him and been in his life for 6 years and he has lived with us for almost 2 of them, so it would be weird if we didn't take him, but if circumstances were like op's I wouldn't expect to pay!

lablablab · 29/04/2019 11:26

Poor kids. I know it's not your responsibility but it does seem very mean.

Maybe you should look at a cheaper holiday so that he can afford to pay for his dc to come?

Alsohuman · 29/04/2019 11:26

It would never occur to me not to include and pay for them. In the 20 years I’ve paid for my stepchildren to go on holiday I’ve obviously got it wrong.

Ellisandra · 29/04/2019 11:26

I don’t think any posters should criticise OP for not getting to know them, when she’s the one who has had to tell their poor excuse for a father than he doesn’t see them enough!

Hollowvictory · 29/04/2019 11:26

She can invite whoever she wants. Her money, she's not married to this loser and they're not a blended family. Paying for her family doesn't oblige her to pay for his!I couldn't see where she was paying for him to go anyway?

CheeseIsEverything · 29/04/2019 11:26

It sounds more like her issue than her partners

How is it OPs issue? The man only sees them himself once a month and it sounds from the OPs posts that he travels to them (a few hours away) to do this most of the time.

The only issue I see as being the OPs is whether she wants to stay with a man who sounds like a pretty dead beat father.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 11:27

t’s also fine if op wanted to take her kids away. But to include her whole family, and her partner of 4 years yet not invite his kids too?

I don't think op is paying for the whole family though is she, just her and her kids?

my solution to that problem would be that op and her family go, and him and his kids stay here or go on their own holiday,

doesn't sound like a "blended family" to me and although they do come in all shapes and forms, I would go out on a limb and say that this isn't one. Therefore I don't see why they need to holiday together or op take on the financial burden of his kids.,

Jellybeansincognito · 29/04/2019 11:27

@Ellisandra it’s quite common, especially if this dad works weekends. But I do agree, it’s shit he sees his kids once a month. Even weirder that he sees them alone even though he has a partner of 4 years.

Stefoscope · 29/04/2019 11:27

Woukd they even be bothered about going given their ages and how little they see your DP? I don't think you should have to pay anything towards them if he's not willing to contribute himself.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 11:28

It would never occur to me not to include and pay for them. In the 20 years I’ve paid for my stepchildren to go on holiday I’ve obviously got it wrong

but do you have an actual relationship with them and see them regularly? because if so that's entirely different.

Jellybeansincognito · 29/04/2019 11:28

@PlantPotParrot I got the impression OP is paying for the whole holiday, and doesn’t want to pay for her partners kids too as she’s paying for everyone else already.

EL8888 · 29/04/2019 11:31

Can't he budget / work extra hours / save for it? This is what the OP has done l assume. Why is it her problem?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 29/04/2019 11:31

So how much are we talking here?
He needs to contribute the lion's share...

VaggieMight · 29/04/2019 11:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 11:33

I got the impression OP is paying for the whole holiday, and doesn’t want to pay for her partners kids too as she’s paying for everyone else already

where from because I didn't?

outsho · 29/04/2019 11:34

YABU. Are you my ex husbands ‘D’P by any chance? They did this to our three DC, twice...

It’s a truly horrible thing to do. Don’t get into a relationship with someone who has children if you don’t want to accept them into your family.

Ellisandra · 29/04/2019 11:34

@Jellybeansincognito yep it’s shit. It doesn’t matter if it’s common. That only means there are other wankers out there.

If he works weekends, he can:

  • look for another job. And yes, that’s easier said than done, but I bet their mother has had to find work that fits around full time responsibility for the children
  • go to their town on his week day rest day (only once a month) to make sure he’s seeing them at least EOW.
  • if he REALLY couldn’t see them Hmm he should be spending most of his annual leave either to create additional weekend days off, or have them for full weeks. I’m willing to bet, judging by OP saying she tells him he needs to see them more, and that she says he’s never taken them on holiday, that he doesn’t do much of that.

No fucking way would I see my kids once a month, I (and I bet all the women on this thread) would make the effort.

NameChange92 · 29/04/2019 11:34

How do you think you'll get to know his children, or your family meet them if you exclude them from family gatherings like this holiday? YABU

Jellybeansincognito · 29/04/2019 11:35

@PlantPotParrot Later this year I'm planning on paying for a family holiday for most of my family. We haven't all been away together in years so I thought it would be nice. DP mentioned that his children are going to feel left out and then ended up suggesting I pay for them to come too. He earns a lot less than me and wouldn't be able to afford to pay for them himself but the amount I'm already going to be paying is a lot and I don't know his children all that well.

^ from the OP