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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pay for his children's holiday?

277 replies

Sunny47 · 29/04/2019 10:38

I've been with DP for 4 years now, he has 2 children ages 10 and 12 who live a few hours away, I have 3 children who live with us. Later this year I'm planning on paying for a family holiday for most of my family. We haven't all been away together in years so I thought it would be nice. DP mentioned that his children are going to feel left out and then ended up suggesting I pay for them to come too. He earns a lot less than me and wouldn't be able to afford to pay for them himself but the amount I'm already going to be paying is a lot and I don't know his children all that well. I see them a few times a year, the rest of my family have only met them a few times. They're lovely kids but I don't think I should be expected to pay for them

OP posts:
FifisLovelyApron · 29/04/2019 12:32

No, you're planning on taking your boyfriend on holiday with your children. Quite cruel for his children to see their hapless dad play happy families with someone else's kids.

Considering he rarely sees them they won't see it or hear about it. Unless we can add a lack of tact to the ways that he's a shit father.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 12:33

Quite cruel for his children to see their hapless dad play happy families with someone else's kids

again that is something HE needs to deal with, NOT op.

GunpowderGelatine · 29/04/2019 12:34

Yep @Ellisandra

Also see posts like "DP and I earn minimum wage and I have 2 kids, he has 2 kids to his ex. We've spent 4 years saving to go for a week to Benidorm with my kids and DP and we can only just afford the 4 of us. DP's ex is very rich and his kids holiday 14 times a year in the Caribbean, visit Australia once a month and have a villa each in the Seychelles. WIBU to not invite DP's kids to Benidorm"

Most of MN: "Is this a joke? You're horrible of course YWBU you shouldn't go at all if you can't afford to take his kids" Confused

downcasteyes · 29/04/2019 12:34

"I understand why this might seem cruel but DP doesn't see them very often either, I don't think I should be blame for his children feeling left out. He's never bothered to take them on holiday"

Just because you married a man who is a shit dad does not mean you should be a shit step-mum. At the end of the day, there are two young children here whose feelings may be hurt. Be the better and bigger person.

OwlBeThere · 29/04/2019 12:37

@Downcasteyes ....I couldn’t have put it better myself. They’re children who rarely see their dad, just be a decent human ffs.

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/04/2019 12:37

Well done, you've bagged yourself a deadbeat. I bet he cant believe his luck!

Forget the holiday, just dump him, he will drag you down.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 12:38

Just because you married a man who is a shit dad does not mean you should be a shit step-mum

a) she didn't marry him
b) she isn't a step mum
c) her kids and his lack of care for them is not her responsibility to fix.

I MEAN COME ON. This man see's his own children 12 times A YEAR. and you expect his girlfriend who has seen them even less to not only entirely fund their holiday but what force a relationship with her on them?

Give me strength.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 12:40

being a decent human does not include funding the children of an arsehole man who cannot be bothered with them himself.

UCOinanOCG · 29/04/2019 12:41

I get the impression the OP would be happy to include them but does not wish to pay for them. She is right in this.They've are not her responsibility. If her DP wishes them to come then he has to pay.

ChuckleBuckles · 29/04/2019 12:41

I agree with @PyongyangKipperbang this guy is a deadbeat father and is now giving it the big "woe is kids" act when it involves something fun that you can pay for, does he not think his kids feel left out when he spends most of his time with your DC instead of his own kids. He wants a life of convenience and for you to pay for it, get rid of him. How can you have any respect for this man.

DocusDiplo · 29/04/2019 12:42

I don't think I could be with a man who only saw his children once a month.

GunpowderGelatine · 29/04/2019 12:45

Far be it for me to defend a "deadbeat dad"... it he seems them once a month, it's hardly abandonment. My dad was local to us and we only saw him every 2 weeks. My friends children live in the same village as their dad and they see him EOW. OP's SC live 3 hours away. How often isn't reasonable to see them? Realistically?

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 12:46

gunpowder that is a good point, but 12 times a year just seems so minimal! Saying that it could be 12 full weeks a year for all we know couldn't it.

I do still think though, if he hasn't bothered properly getting them to get to know op and her kids, he cant expect this from her!

Ellisandra · 29/04/2019 12:47

Well, I don’t think OP is going to come back and tell us why she can be with a deadbeat dad.

NewMum19344567 · 29/04/2019 12:47

So you expect him to live with your three children but his can't go on holiday with you? That seems very cruel? I get it's your money but am sure that he does his fair share with your three in the home he shares with you and them?

kiki22 · 29/04/2019 12:48

I hate the idea of children being left out and feeling bad but I wouldn't pay in this circumstance. Pop's deadbeat dad boyfriend wants her to fund his Disney dad moment.

I would have a good long think about what kind of man you are with.

M4J4 · 29/04/2019 12:48

Sounds like he only wants to take the kids on holiday because you'd be paying.

If your DP had the kids EOW or something then I'd have more sympathy. But it sounds like he wants to play Disney Dad at your expense.

Do you any kids together? Does he work FT?

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 12:49

So you expect him to live with your three children but his can't go on holiday with you? That seems very cruel? I get it's your money but am sure that he does his fair share with your three in the home he shares with you and them?

she expects him to live with them does she? considering she is the higher earner I suspect it makes shite all difference to OP whether he lives there or not.

how do you know he does his fair share? he might do absolutely nothing around the house, and if they have separate finances, then he's not contributing to her kids at all whatsoever is he?

GunpowderGelatine · 29/04/2019 12:50

PlantPot it doesn't sound a lot but EOW, which is standard for most separated families, is only 26 times a year. And that's for people who often live nearby. 3 hours away is at the very least 100 miles I'm guessing. I'm not sure if EOW would even be feasible

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 12:51

gelatine yes I suppose that is true! I suppose I am clouded by my own experiences of having dss 2 nights / 3 days a week!

LillithsFamiliar · 29/04/2019 12:53

Considering most custody arrangements seem to be EOW which works out about twice per month, I'm not understanding all the vitriol about abandonment either.
It seems this all came about because OP made a grand gesture of saying she was paying for everyone to have a big family holiday then added 'oh but your DCs aren't part of the family I'm willing to pay for . . .' because actually OP doesn't see her partner's DCs are being part of her family and that isn't just her DP's fault. After 4 years, it's time they decided if they are a family or not.

Sculpin · 29/04/2019 12:53

It is very unreasonable for your DP to expect for you to pay fully for his DC. But it would be nice to include them. How about if you split the cost 50/50 - would that work?

eggsandwich · 29/04/2019 12:54

I would say to him maybe its best if he stays home so his children don’t feel left out, or he can save towards the cost of his children going or maybe see if his children’s mother would like to go half’s with him.

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/04/2019 12:55

If my kids where not living with me I would drive from one end of the country to the other to see them if I had to, and as often as I was able.

So "can't" or "won't" see them more often? And who moved away?

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/04/2019 12:56

OP made a grand gesture of saying she was paying for everyone to have a big family holiday then added 'oh but your DCs aren't part of the family I'm willing to pay for . . .' because actually OP doesn't see her partner's DCs are being part of her family and that isn't just her DP's fault. After 4 years, it's time they decided if they are a family or not.

why does OP need to make an effort? if her dp wants his kids to be involved with his girlfriend HE needs to make that happen.

HE is their parent. It is up to HIM to decide.

If OP forced a relationship with his kids, the entire of MN would be telling her she was massively overstepping. Its only because she's not throwing money at them that anyone thinks any different!