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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

999 replies

TeenTitans · 28/04/2019 19:23

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

OP posts:

CatFaceCats · 28/04/2019 19:49

When my kids were babies - I did all night feeds. He had his job - high paying, high stress. I had mine - bulk of looking after kids. I could slob about all day, nap, so whatever I wanted. He had to go out and put together $billion tenders. He needed to be on top of his game to keep his job, and you know, pay the bills etc. We split at the weekends, so we both got a long lie. If you don’t like doing all night feeds, then don’t do it. But don’t judge those of us who choose to.

ShesABelter · 28/04/2019 19:49

Well I slept and had a nap so it doesn't really compare and also I have the boobs.

abcriskringle · 28/04/2019 19:49

I agree with the OP. My baby did not sleep. He catnapped - no time to do much more than nip to the loo or eat some food before he awoke. Certainly couldn't catch up on sleep. He didn't sleep through until a year old (and even then very inconsistently). DH helped all he could and let me have early nights /lie-ins etc. To all asking 'what's the worst that can happen?' Hmm, accidentally nodding off on the sofa while holding the baby and suffocating it? Crashing PND? Being constantly ill because you're so sleep deprived? Honestly, I'm going to assume you all had the easiest babies in the world because I work FT now and I'm far less tired than I was looking after a baby 24/7. Even DH used to call going to work "a break".

Shinyletsbebadguys · 28/04/2019 19:50

To be honest OP I'd have had some serious issues with you writing me off as not feminist thinking at that stage.

My Exdh worked leaving the house at 4am and returning at 8pm and was in a physical job. Whilst on maternity leave damn right it was fairer for me to do the night feeds.

Had I heard someone witter on and initmate about how I shouldn't allow myself to be oppressed and it was sexist that I did the night feeds i would like to say i would have laughed , actually id have told you what for.

People make their own choices and it's incredibly condescending to take this one issue and extrapolate that they are doing it because they don't know that it is sexist.

Yes I worked but the division of labour was chosen with my eyes open and a rational choice based on energy expenditure and risk levels.

I assure you I am the poster child for independence and not pandering to gender based assumptions and wouldn't have taken at all kindly to your attitude as it automatically deskilled me in assuming I hadn't made my own intelligent decision about splitting tasks.

Lovemusic33 · 28/04/2019 19:50

I think if your dh works then he needs his sleep to function at work. I always did night feeds until I switched rolls with dh (I went back to work, he stayed at home) then he did most the night feeds. I don’t think it’s wrong to expect the woman to do the night feeds if she’s not working.

Original poster

TeenTitans · 28/04/2019 19:50

53rdway that too. I always get worried if I'm too tired that I'll drop the baby.

OP posts:

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 28/04/2019 19:50

Office work involves thinking though. How easy is it to write a board paper on the quarterly sales forecast on no sleep?

Well it’s not, but I have to do it. I have DS and DD and their sleep is pretty shit. However both are older than 12mo and DH and I are pretty even handed with night feeds.

The only person I find “getting” the OPs point is @blackteasplease

It IS true that in some respects and professions it’s easier to work than being a SAHP. You are constantly “on” at home with kids in a way you are just not in some roles.

The OP is NBU if her concern is to do with these attitudes from her peers meaning they end up STILL doing it all in when they return to work “just because”.

Catchingbentcoppers · 28/04/2019 19:51

I get worked up about it because it's another example of inequality. Women expected to do all the night feeds while men can go back to work, have adult company and enjoy a full 8 hours sleep while women have to spend their day covered in puke with screaming kids and don't even get the luxury of sleep at the end of it... they're his kids too.

I wasn't 'expected' to do them. I wanted to do them because he's a surgeon and I didn't want him fucking up some operation the following day because he was too knackered. He also didn't have breasts so couldn't as I couldn't express and I'm afraid I wasn't going to put DS on formula just so that someone like you would judge me for daring to feed my own kid myself during the night. Breastfeeding suited us and was less hassle.

I get really pissed off when women make these statements like they're some super feminist, but all they're actually doing is pissing all over another woman's choices.

LemonScentedStickyBat · 28/04/2019 19:51

My DP was of of far more use to the family when she had a full night’s sleep. I never expected her to get up at night except for a handful of occasions (the all hands on deck type nights when someone is repeatedly vomiting) because frankly I could cancel baby swimming and sit at home in a daze if we had a bad night but she couldn’t zone out of important meetings. It just doesn’t make sense for everyone to be exhausted. She would come home and cook and do laundry if I couldn’t manage or had a tough day so nothing unequal about it.

100Birds · 28/04/2019 19:51

In fairness my kids would usually have a feed between 4-6 and do would get up at that point and leave me in bed and do his morning bits with the baby so I could go back to sleep for a couple more hours. He still does breakfast everyday with them now and my oldest is 9 so it’s just a routine that works for us!

Original poster

TeenTitans · 28/04/2019 19:52

Shiny I'm not trying to say you're not feminist and of course everyone has to make the choices that suit them. I'm sure my own choices would raise eyebrows to some. Just that the assumption and default that it's the woman because he works, is my issue. I've probably explained it really badly, I'm on strong painkillers and basically bedbound right now so not as coherent as I'd like to be.

OP posts:

Foxmuffin · 28/04/2019 19:52

Surely to be truly equal you both need to work the same and spilt childcare the same. You can’t make one element (nightfeeds) equal and then say that based on that alone the whole of your domestic arrangement is equal. There’s many other factors to take into account.
I couldn’t do my job effectively with the sleep I’m on now. But I can look after a baby.

Catchingbentcoppers · 28/04/2019 19:53

Incidentally, my BIL did all the night feeds when he and my sister had their baby because he was SAHP and she was the one out doing a really demanding job every day. That was the right choice for them.

BlueJag · 28/04/2019 19:53

@TeenTitans I think every case is different. If your partner drove for a living, was a surgeon or used heavy machinery you'll feel differently. I did all the child care my husband worked away from home fair enough.
Equality doesn't mean equal in every way. Sometimes one gets more than the other that's life.

Bouncebacker · 28/04/2019 19:54

It’s not an example of inequality- it’s a question of choice:

I have breasts and choose to use them to feed my baby, the babies father can’t do that - if if expressed or used formula he could but....

.... we chose that I would take the majority of the parental leave (because I have the breasts, see choices above) but when he takes parental leave for two months and I return to work he will get up at night. When he returns to work we will share the nights equally.

When my babies were tiny I used to get really cross when DH was awake when the baby woke - if I wasn’t breastfeeding I’d have been fast asleep - and he has no flexibility in managing tiredness as he goes out to work. If I had a bad night I could stay in after nursery drop off, have a duvet day, cebeebies fest for the three year old. Not an option for him - as it wouldn’t be for me if I were the one working.

redbedheadd · 28/04/2019 19:54

I think if you are really exhausted you need to get support from DH... if he can do a 6am feed for example or the 11pm feed so you can have some unbroken sleep.

Since DS was born there have been a handful of occasions I said to my partner you need to take him in the lounge for a bit so I can sleep....but I feel like this is infrequent.

Thought if I had multiple kids it might be a different story!!

Passthecherrycoke · 28/04/2019 19:55

Yes I’ve done it too Paulhollywood. And that’s my point- it’s far harder to write the board paper exhausted than to care for the children and sort the house out.

It’s extremely unlikely you’re going to fall asleep on the sofa and suffocate your baby. It’s rare, and even rarer in parents who were taking reasonable care, exhausted or otherwise

53rdWay · 28/04/2019 19:55

I also find it curious that my male colleagues (office job, but fairly high-stress) are supposed to be incapable of doing their jobs if they’re doing any baby care at night. I was back at work loooong before DC1 was sleeping through and it’s shit but it is doable.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 28/04/2019 19:55

But women don't have to sacrifice everything, women (or men) are able to take maternity leave of up to one year in order to have the freedom to look after their babies. They are given time off specifically to enable them to do night feeds and be at home with their child and after that they can return to their jobs. I was a single parent when my ds was born wo no help with any night or day feeds, i survived. I then went back to work and my career is stronger than ever 2 years later.
It is not inequality in my eyes (and i say that as a feminist) because as people have said its a hell of a lot easier being tired in pjs watching paw patrol than it is trying to do an office job or a physical job or actually any job. Being at home with your baby really doesnt compare.

mrssunshinexxx · 28/04/2019 19:56

Op - you sound v resentful you didn't have to have a baby?!

I think it's fair to say most people that are in the position of being a SAHM has a husband in a high paid/ possibly stressful job so no I don't think it's fair that they help with night feeds.

My DH has a very dangerous job and one slip up such as being deliriously tired could cost him his life

53rdWay · 28/04/2019 19:57

It’s not SAHM though mrssunshinexxx? It’s mat leave.

SauvignonBlanche · 28/04/2019 19:57

I always think I'm really lucky that my partner takes an equal role in parenting even the annoying parts like night feeds.

To be truly equal you’d have to be pregnant for 4.5 months each, not sure how you’d share the labour though? You and your partner would also both work part time.

mrssoap · 28/04/2019 19:57

I think it depends what work they do! If it's driving for instance I'd say they need more sleep.. but I do get what you mean, baby's dad should most definitely do their bit!! Even if just on their days off

puppymouse · 28/04/2019 19:57

I always did the nights during the week. It just felt like the right thing to do as DH was working. He needed to be more alert than me.

5 years later, I'm back at work and if she gets up in the night he usually hears her before me and says it's his turn...

TeddybearBaby · 28/04/2019 19:58

I think there’s more to this...... sounds like you need support at the moment and that’s fine. But did I get it right that you have 7 hours sleep and your husband has 5.5? I may have got that wrong but I thought that was odd since the word equality is being used quite a bit!

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