To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

[TeenTitans]

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

Tapas not everyone is a brain surgeon or heavy mech worker though. Most men and women are office workers. Which is easier than looking after multiple children.

OP are your children really poor sleepers?

Agree at weekends etc it's nice if DP offers to have DS to give me a lie in or in the evening so I can have a bath

DH used to do the 11pm feed. I hated that one more than getting up in the night. People do what suits them, it isn't all women being passive.

Same here. Worked really well.

Bending precisely my point!

Most men and women are not offfice workers!!

Do you work full time TeenTitans?

I did the night feeds as breast feeding, but DW would get up and give an expressed feed for the early morning so I could catch up on sleep. She’s be up from about 5/5:30am, I’d get up at 7.

I gave up BF at 8 months and returned to work, she took 3 moths “paternity” leave. We still shared night wakes. When she returned he was still up in the night lots (he has never slept through) and we shared the wake ups. We both have demanding jobs where we need to be on the ball (I’m a police officer, she’s a nurse that works autonomously diagnosing, dispensing medication, performing minor surgical procedures etc) so both needed sleep but of course it’s possible to function on less than 8 hours. 5 hours is a good night for me. Funny how men are the ones to insist they need it.

FWIW despite my high pressure role I found being at home so much harder. I couldn’t nap when the baby napped (I can’t just sleep at will). DW doing the early feed was one of the things that kept me sane.

Sorry but Being at home with kids is not the same as working full time - it's not the same kind of "if I fuck up im going to get sacked, lose my job, lose my income lose my home" kind of responsibility. (Not to mention those people that have people's lives at stake or millions of pounds at risk if they mess up their job!)

Having done sleep deprivation while on maternity leave and sleep deprivation while working (bf and also my dh is shit at night), the sleep deprivation while working, while working was a hundred times worse. I’m still mentally scarred! I felt like I was swimming through treacle, my brain just wasn’t working and I was scared about how shit at my job I was looking.

Red Not exactly but I have three of them under 3 so they don't always sync up. They sleep fairly well but when newborns and toddlers it was a nightmare, and I feel very sorry for women who have to shoulder that alone.

Office work involves thinking though. How easy is it to write a board paper on the quarterly sales forecast on no sleep? Compare that to picking up some shopping, putting washing on, providing care for your children. It’s not really the same level of brain power is it?

I think there are comparable mindless jobs- but I would have them down as menial work like being a barista, working in a supermarket etc. Just repeating simple tasks all day.

You do work too when you are home with little ones.

Does anybody really believe this bullshit anymore?

Tapas pre kids I did yes.

That's the thing isn't it? When the Mum returns to work (if this is during the first year or so) it's apparently fine for her to be disturbed as and when. Usually on the back of many months exhaustion!

I'm sorry but I think YABVVU. My DH had to get up early to get to work, I could nap when my DS did, and I know there are things that need doing but his job was far harder than mine.

Op why are you asking if you’re being unreasonable?

My exh worked 12 hour shifts when our DD was born, i did the night feeds and had a sleep during the day, he would do the feeds on a Saturday and Sunday morning i had a long lye

CherryCoke personally, I find that easier to some extent. I'm not naturally very domestic and find it harder to run a house than I did when I worked as a legal secretary or in administration. I wouldn't change it for the world but I think people underestimate it

Absolutely agree OP. However I BF and baby is a bottle refuser plus my OH has a long commute so I see no point in us both being exhausted. When I hear about women who are bottle feeding on their own every night I think WHY?! Unfortunately some men seem to think having a job excuses them from all parenting duties. It's not as if mums are sat on their arses all day! My dad did all night feeds when we were babies despite a long commute and stressful job. I think we've gone backwards somehow.

Me too Phuquocdreams. The not being able to contribute because you can’t think straight, the lack of valuable insight (that you’re being paid a lot of money to provide) the inability to understand basic analysis, the forgetting people’s name, the slurring your words. It was HORRENDOUS. Give me maternity leave any day.

Actually, while I don't dispute that looking after a child at home is work, there is a difference between being tired and having to function in a job (eg office) all day and being tired and having to function at home. I've done both because my lo wasn't sleeping though the night when I returned to work and it was tougher being tired and having to go to work the next day than it was being at home. So while I was on maternity leave I did do all the night feeds because the next day I could shuffle about in my dressing gown like a zombie and not speak to a soul if I wanted but my dh would have had to get up and dressed and handle meetings etc... When I went back to work we alternated nights for the wakings as we both had work so seemed fair.

I couldn’t nap when the baby napped (I can’t just sleep at will).

I've always had this problem too. I can't sleep in the day at all!

My husband doesn’t do night feeds because he doesn’t have boobs. He was also getting up at 4am (has been off sick for a couple of months but that’s a whole other kettle of fish) to cycle to work in order for his training to not impact family life and for us to save money as a family by not having a second car. Why have two shattered parents (due to the chaos that trying to give DS a bottle would cause!) when you could have one who just rolls over and pops a boob in the baby’s mouth for ten minutes? DH is also more than happy to take DS for a couple of hours in the morning if we’ve had a rough night on his days off.

Hen in May leave I did all night feeds as my oh worked and then for 6 months after as I was mostly unaffected by sleep deprivation and oh has suffered from serious depression in the past and sleep deprivation is a trigger. I was happy with arrangement as I could nap with baby during the day and he couldn’t ! Why judge others, my oh does all the coking and cleaning because I Louth those jobs but I wouldn’t necessarily tell anyone that as our domestic arrangements are nobodies business

Signed exactly! I always think I'm really lucky that my partner takes an equal role in parenting even the annoying parts like night feeds.