To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

[TeenTitans]

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

I get worked up about it because it's another example of inequality. Women expected to do all the night feeds while men can go back to work, have adult company and enjoy a full 8 hours sleep while women have to spend their day covered in puke with screaming kids and don't even get the luxury of sleep at the end of it... they're his kids too.

There is the option of shared parental leave in the U.K.

You’re ignoring the safety aspect of it that myself and others have just pointed out

I think what works for each famy works for them tbh so you are being unreasonable at being cross about other peoples business if it works for them.

Ds1 had regular nap times during the day so catch up sleep and downtime was easy to do. No point both parents bring knackered if one can have an quiet day.
Of course I now not all babies sleep, there are sometimes ore than one baby, mum could be working herself etc, that's why I say it has to work for an individual family.

Ah thanks @Foxmuffin - he's 18 months and I'm still waiting for him to sleep through!

He's cute though

when the DC were small, my husband had a a long commute (driving, not train). so I found it pretty important that he slept well.

Also, he wasn't particularly good at breastfeeding either.

When on mat leave I always did night feeds, once I was back at work they were shared. During mat leave I could (potentially at least) sleep during the day, when baby slept.

Whilst on maternity leave I had the option when I got dressed and if I went out. My dh didn't have that option and needed to focus on his job due to mistakes being costly. It simply in his industry would not have been acceptable to say 'I am tired'. Whereas I could turn up at playgroup and yawn away and forget someone's name and saying 'I'm tired' is acceptable

I breastfed but shock horror dh used to sleep in the spare room at times to get a full night's sleep

That's our business but what you wouldn't know (unless you asked or I told you) was I used to get a good lie in at the weekend and time for a nice bath/relax plus dh did the cooking

So it's really not all black and white

Very few are nuclear physicists or the equivalent!

I think they should be pitching in to a certain extent. Certainly on the weekends and something during the week especially if they wake alot. Even if it's just a late night dream feed or an early morning fees or something.

You do work too when you are home with little ones. You can't be dropping with exhaustion as it's not safe.

Medications that affect sleep wtf? That must be a tiny proportion of women! Anyway it’s not about sleeping it’s about not having to perform.

When I was on maternity leave, of course I did all the night feeds - I was breastfeeding for a start. And I could slob out and doze later while baby slept/toddler watched TV. Totally different to having to be up, dressed and on the morning commute for a day out of the house. I don't understand why this isn't obvious to you, OP?

I don't expect DP to do the night feeds, he offers but I find it more hassle expressing milk for a bottle rather than just giving a quick feed.... I see it as my job at the moment. If my partner performs poorly at work and loses his job we wouldn't be able to afford our rent... whereas if I've had a bad night I can just do a sofa day with DS and chill out. So yes I think YABU

My husband is in charge of heavy machinery and often works upwards of 14 hour days. I would be worried sick he was going to crash a tractor/fall asleep at the wheel if he’d been up all night. If I’m really struggling he would always want me to wake him, and I have on occasion. But he works a hell of a lot harder than I do during the day and I am much better at functioning on broken sleep.

But some men stay at home and their partners work. It's more that the one at home often gets up in the night. Or the one breastfeeding. Women who dislike being at home with kids all day and being up at night can choose to go back to work earlier.

I always did the night feeds just because it was easier! DP heats absolutely nothing when he's asleep so I would have to wake him to tell him baby needed feeding and he was rubbish at doing it quietly so I would be wide awake anyway. And with DS2 I breastfed so I had to do it anyway.

Because I can sleep in the day and he can't.

I'm with you op. When I went back to work - paid work- my day was loads easier than it was at home.
My "home job" would have been more manageable with some sleep.

If he's got a long drive then that's fair enough and i understand that. But simply working isn't enough of a justification to never do nights. We do shifts usually. I sleep from 10pm until 5am. He sleeps from 4.30am until 10am. He works evenings so this worked for us when the kids were networks, we both got good night's sleep.

Xposted with everyone else!

DH used to do the 11pm feed. I hated that one more than getting up in the night. People do what suits them, it isn't all women being passive.

"I get worked up about it because it's another example of inequality."

In what way? If the mother is at home with the baby and doesn't need to follow a strict timetable/operate machinery/drive all day/carry out brain surgery etc how is it unequal? If the mother is at home she can go with the flow during the day, and perhaps nap when the baby naps.
And if the baby is EBF how do you propose it gets fed?

You need to think about this before you make ridiculous comments like this.

You have to be able to function to care for a child though. Especially a baby or toddler.

I suppose it depends who functions best on broken sleep too. I personally can't function on broken sleep. I can function on little sleep but it had to be in a block whereas he can sort of divide it better than me.

It drives me mad when people say that one parent (usually the mother) is utterly sleep deprived and exhausted and the other parent gets a solid 8 hours every night. Yes, you need a certain amount of sleep to work safely but also to look after a baby, especially if you are driving etc. Plus it is miserable to be constantly exhausted. I don't necessarily expect it to be 50/50 split, but some men seemingly won't get up an hour earlier say to help out their partner.

I do all night feeds as am EBF and 90% of settling required as I'm up anyway but DH does what he can e.g. getting up in the mornings with our 3 year old.

I'm also not sure what happens when the mother returns to work if the child still wakes. Often she can apparently be a doctor on broken sleep, as she is a woman!

I suppose it depends what time of job your partner is in.

My ex was very senior with a heck of a lot of responsibility. He helped out very occasionally, for instance if I was ill, but other than that - I did it all. I had no problem with that at all. I breastfed, but even when I switched to bottles.

I could sit on my bum, or poodle in to town, or arrange a play date or simply stick on cbbc. All requiring very very little mental energy.

My ex however had to perform as though he’d had 8 hours unbroken sleep day in and day out.

Different I suppose if he was at a check out or road sweeper

My DH never did them but sadly he didn’t have breasts, so couldn’t.