To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

[TeenTitans]

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

I didn’t mind doing all of the night feeds as I was BF. What pissed me off was DH doing fuck all to help with baby or with the house when he was was at not working (often only out of the house for 8 hours M-F) on top of a full 8 hours sleep.

YABU. it’s none of your business what other people do.
For me, I was happy to let my husband sleep the nights were he was working the next day. His job involves a lot of driving and it would be dangerous for him to not be well rested.

I don’t think that’s the case 53rdway. I also, like lots of posters returned to work before my babies were sleeping through. It was shit, but there was no choice

When I was on maternity leave there was a choice- that at least he could get some sleep rather than both of us being exhausted.

I'm not resentful, my partner shares what he can with me and is very good at night. It's the attitudes of some women I find sad. And I'm not saying that every woman who does the feeds has that attitude, some have very valid reasons as they've stated here.

It was you’re choice to have three under three op you obviously didn’t struggle the first and second time before you had the third child.

Bollocks to everyone judging any mother who would like to share night feeds with their working husband.

I’ve done both; being at home is utterly relentless! With a family of five when the heck am I meant to sleep ? If I sleep when baby sleeps that washing pile ain’t gonna get any smaller and allllll the other bits and pieces aren’t gonna get done!
My ass doesn’t hit the sofa until well after everyone else including DH.

I’ve been BF for nearly a year and I cannot wait for DH to be able to get up soon and settle ds when he is weaned & I will have no guilt just because he is working.

Continuous , chronic Sleep deprivation is awful!!! Awful!! And I do not think it would be terrible for a working partner to take the night wakings be that to feed or settle a couple of times a week; including the weekend.

Teddy sometimes yes but we also alternate who gets the longer shift if that makes sense.

Ok, so the general consensus seems to be that you do whatever works for you. YABU to believe that your way is the only way. FWIW I do all the night feeds and my dh gets up every morning with the other kids.

But Passthecherrycoke it’s only a reasonable choice if the one at home with the baby can make up for the sleep deprivation somehow. If you can nap 2+ hours while the baby snoozes like some people clearly could, then fine - if you had a colicky nightmare baby who didn’t sleep at all you really can’t just doze off on the sofa. Like I said earlier, going back to work was much easier for me than my mat leave with DC1 and I don’t have a low-stress job!

My husband doesn't do night feeds because he doesn't lactate.
Also take last Wednesday as an example, DS was a bit poorly and woke up at 3, 4.30 and 6. I got up with him, DH had a twelve hour day at work ahead of him dealing with both vulnerable and incredibly violent people, he needs his wits about him. There were several high risk incidents he ended up dealing with that day.

DS and I however went back to bed at nine and napped for two and a half hours, then I had a shower, put some laundry on and chucked dinner in the slow cooker while DS played on his activity mat. Then I fed him again and we went for a walk to the seafront. On the way back I picked up some milk, DS had a short nap in the pram, when we got home we read a book together and he had some tummy time, I fed him and he slept for nearly two hours while I drank a coffee and read a grown up book. DH came home bathed DS and got him ready for bed I fed him and got him down to sleep, while DH unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher and got some laundry in off the line.

Having previously done my husband's job I can tell you who had a harder day and it wasn't me.
DH does a fair amount of housework, spends as much time with me and DS when he's not working as possible and doesn't expect wife work from me. I have no issue with getting up in the night because it doesn't happen often and I can schedule the next day to be an easy restful one, DH can't. When I'm back at work it will depend who has the earlier start/longer day ahead.

sauvignon I agree with your post

I’ll be doing all the night feeds on mat leave.

I am the main earner, I’m usually out of the house 7am-8pm and DH does almost everything at home (we have a cleaner though) and I do practically zero. He has a field based job that involves 300 miles+ driving per day and he has to be alert. But he leaves very early and gets home early afternoon.

I am looking forward to the 12 months at home. When I return to work the nights will be shared but I will do more weeknights I imagine. DH will go back to doing everything at home though. I’m no downtrodden female thanks!

TeenTitans you sound awfully judgmental. My husband works in an office & I did all the night feeds. Firstly because my DC were breastfed but also because I didn’t mind doing the night feeds. My DH never expected a spotless house, dinner on the table etc and would have been upset if he came home to find me in my PJs- not because I should be dressed but on my behalf, because he appreciated I hadn’t had a spare half hour to myself to do this basic task. Mind your own business. We are not all unappreciated. We just do what works well for our own families.

I get it whilst on mat leave or SAHM. But then I also think, what about when mum goes back to work? I went back at 8 months and at 18 months my daughter is only just down to 2 wake ups a night. When I went back it was still every 2 hours for months. Then I have to go into school and be in loco parentis to a classroom full of teenagers whilst my husband sips hot tea at his cushy desk job. But because he never settled her, he can't and she won't for her.

She won't for him

Typo

On Trending Talk it looked as though your thread was called ‘I get cross every time I see a worm’. I couldn’t click on it quickly enough.

Back in the real world, its not worth getting cross about. I did the night feeds because husband had a job he needed to concentrate on, whereas I could doze in front of Richard and Judy if I needed to.

My husband works with lots of dangerous building machinery on his own. I would rather do the night feeds and my children have a dad than allow my husband to risk working with sleep deprivation and potentially harm himself. Plus, as he is supporting me financially, we like to think he is paying me to do the night feeds he helps in other ways though wherever he can to make up for it. It works for us.

I'm a staunch believer in equality in a marriage but maternity leave is not work, needing to be alert and awake for a job and for being at home are 2 very different things. I BF so obviously that made that decision but even had I of not I would not have divvied our work nights. As soon as I was back to work it was then divvied out.

Lie ins and chores on weekends however, were absolutely divvied out!!

I'm a Dr. I have worked insane hours for most of my career. DH lets me lie in on weekends now I'm off weekends.

He gets up with the kids on the nights I'm working the next day.

When I was on mat leave, he was the main wage earner. I saw the babies as my job. Now that I'm the main wage earner, he does the bulk of the night wakenings (thankfully rare as youngest now 3).

I am eternally grateful to him for working his arse off to huge me that time at home with my babies.

We're a team and do what works for us as a couple. Night feeds were mine on mat leave because I saw the babies as my job for that short time.

Never thought I'd look back at the night feeds wistfully 😂.

Horses for courses and it never felt unequal because it was a system that worked for us.

I wonder if it just so happens that the women who don't mind this can survive on broken sleep more so than those of us who do? That may be where the discrepancy lies.

I'm glad it's me who gets the mat leave because there's no way on God's green earth I would be able to do the night feeds and go to work. I would end up killing someone.

I did all the night wakings with mine. My ex is a lorry driver and worked odd hours including some nights anyway later on and I didn’t want to be at least partially responsible for him crashing his lorry and killing someone. He was an impatient arse anyway especially when he’d just woken up so I didn’t like him near either of our babies in that state of mind.

The thing with the babies being the woman's job is it's always "on" though.

It’s not possible to have equality in that sense because the sleep deprivation can’t be “made up” for. It’s just part and parcel of having small babies. If you shared night feeds 50:50 (FF baby) you’d both be sleep
Deprived. Or you can chose to have the parent who doesn’t need to perform in a corporate environment the next day to avoid the sleep deprivation.

If I was the one working and my DH was on maternity leave there is no way I’d be doing half the night feeds during the week I’m
Afraid. As I say, when we both work we have no choice but to both be sleep deprived (although even a bad sleeper at 6+ months isn’t comparable to a newborn where you’re getting zero sleep)

Dh had to be coherent during the day given his position. I definitely worked, many times dh told me I had the harder ‘job’ but the difference is I could take a nap when the baby napped. That thing is frowned upon where he works (napping in his office)