To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

[TeenTitans]

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

I think it depends. I do all night stuff currently with my 11-week-old DD (she is breastfed but I often do bottles of expressed overnight) but she only wakes up once and I'm not sleep deprived. If she was waking up every 45 mins then yes I'd expect my DP to help, but as it is I'm more than happy to do the night feed and nappy change.

I think if you have a difficult baby, a bad sleeper, multiple DC who are waking up during the night, etc. then partners should help whenever possible. I know that should I actually need help, my DP will do it no questions asked.

“TeenTitans

CherryCoke personally, I find that easier to some extent. I'm not naturally very domestic and find it harder to run a house than I did when I worked as a legal secretary or in administration. I wouldn't change it for the world but I think people underestimate it”

To be fair, administrators are not exactly writing board papers. You seem to be referring to quite junior roles, which are easy to hide in when you’re exhausted because expectations are lower

YABU to be judging the way other people run their families. If they like their set up, why should it bother you?
My DH didn't do a night feed. I have the breasts and I'd much rather he correctly assembled aeroplane engines by going to work having slept well. I'm sure so would everyone on the plane too

My dh only did when he took the first week off after their birth. He's up at 4:30 to leave at 5am for work. He drives all day and needs to have sleep otherwise he could kill someone at the wheel if he falls asleep 🙈

To me, your system is bonkers. If baby just wants a quick comfort feed wtf is the point of dh getting up, faffing with the bottle etc when I can do it in 5 minutes? And what if baby wakes up multiple times in your shift but not at all in his, that's going to breed resentment. And if baby is being a nightmare to settle isn't it nicer to try as a team rather than leaving one person to struggle?

Yes it's still hard work being at home but it's more dangerous to fall asleep at a wheel and more negative implications if they fall asleep in a meeting than there is if you have a doze on the sofa. To be very honest I think it's unreasonable to expect things to be fully equal overnight. I have a friend who will feed the baby then expect her husband to wake up to burp and get baby to sleep when he does a lot of driving for work.

Suspect if you have one reasonably laid-back baby that naps well, sleep deprivation doesn’t matter nearly so much. If you don’t it’s a total utter bastard though, and looking after them in the day isn’t always a doddle. I was relieved to go back to work after DC1 and I don’t have an easy job.

I did all night feeds (boobs) but I see what you mean, OP. It’s notable how many men cannot possibly be expected to get up at nights even when their partner’s on her knees with exhaustion because he works and absolutely must have 8 undisturbed hours each night, but once she goes back to work, she’s supposed to just cope with the tiredness and not grumble because that’s what she signed up for.

When our babies were little I did the night feeds because I was breastfeeding. DH would help out with nappy changes etc. if needed on days when he wasn't at work the next morning. Otherwise I wouldn't expect him to because he had to be up at a certain time and focus all day at work.

Now we both work. When one of us is at work the next morning and the other isn't, whoever isn't working is responsible for any wake ups. If we're both working I usually do it because he has to be in work earlier than me so will get less sleep.

It is very hard to get up and go to work all day when you're shattered from broken sleep. You need to be alert enough to get there too, safe to drive etc. It is much harder than being at home with the kids when tired. You have to perform to a certain level or your livelihood is at stake. In some jobs underperformance can be dangerous.

I don't think they necessarily need to do night feeds if they're pulling their weight elsewhere.

I'm another who exclusively breastfed so night feeds were down to me. However my husband would get up early in the morning to ensure I only had to wake to feed then could catch up on a little sleep before he went to work. As soon as he got home he would take my daughter in between feeds so again I could catch up. At the weekends he would take her and just wake me when she needed a feed.

My daughter is 2 and still doesn't sleep through, but we share night duties now as she only has 1 feed at night but wakes up to 3 times.

I plan on exclusively breastfeeding again but it will be more difficult with a toddler. But we will do the same arrangement so I can catch up on sleep.

Women don't have to accept inequality and partners not pulling their weight

• when on mat leave

I generally can't sleep during the day, I've done it a handful of times since DD 5mo was born, DP did help a lot in the first couple months but she doesn't need changing and windy and soothing in the night really anymore so unless she throws up everywhere (she is a v sicky baby).

I don't need him in the night and he works long days where he needs to get things done quickly and be able to focus, I just need to keep an eye on her I can do it very tired even if it's unpleasant. DP helps where he can when I'm knackered with making food or taking her when she lets him.

I completely agree with you OP. Staying home and looking after kids is work. And it’s hard work. And the work doesn’t start at 9am and finish at 5pm. Men who don’t help at night do not appreciate how much hard work looking after kids is. Women who think their husbands need more sleep because they leave the house to go to work are kidding themselves. I went back to work when my daughter was 15 months old because I wanted a break! Going to work is SO much easier than being at home and looking after kids. I get to sit down, drink hot drinks and have a lunch break. I don’t have children hanging off me and making non-stop demands.

My daughter was breastfed so I couldn’t share the night feeds but my husband would get up in the night for non feed related things. And once we started night weaning he did all of the night shifts because he needs less sleep than me.

Stop letting men get away with not pulling their weight! And stop reinforcing outdated gender roles!

Nah mate. Great you've got a system that works for you, other people's situations are different and there's no one here saying they are hard done by. I'm on mat leave, DH an academic doing genetics lab work, I can turn up to baby yoga with little sleep and someone will make me a cup of tea and we all moan then I go home to the sofa. Hardly the same. Baby is a bottle refuser so
DH couldn't feed her if he wanted to. I am not hard done by, he does most of the cooking, all the nappies when he is home, looks after her the evening I go out to a class and takes her in the morning at the weekend so I can have a lie in. In return I do the nights when he has to work and if we are having a bad night I tell him to sleep in the spare room. To me it is a fair division.

@TeenTitans I don't view it as inequality but as a biological difference. I have breasts. I chose to take maternity leave. I'd rather not have to be pregnant but arguing inequality isn't going to get me out of that if I want to have a biological child!

Also my oh was driving sometimes long distance and I’d rather I was tired than him

I appreciate that if Nigel falls asleep in a work meeting, there could well be job consequences. But if you fall asleep on the sofa while feeding a baby the consequences could be much much worse.

It's not inequality to breastfeed your baby at night.

I think if you’re at home your jobs can be outsourced as well. So if I have a horrific night that evening we can get a take away or I’ll ask Dh to stick on a wash as I didn’t get to it. He can hardly ask me to write a presentation for him if he’s knackered. But if it’s a really really bad night I will at some point wake him. It’s about knowing your limits.

Obviously if you're EBF then that's that, there's no way around it.

And there are jobs where it's fair and just, but most people I'd wager don't have jobs where they couldn't do one or two nights a week instead of leaving it all to their partner.

I think it's the expectation that men can just go back to their lives and women have to sacrifice everything.

Depends very much on the job. However, there is no excuse for men not pulling their weight at weekends, holidays and if you return to work.

Well apart from the fact men can't breast feed ,babies that are breast fed when I was on Mat leave with my babies, I would have a 2-3 hr nap.,with them when they napped most men can't do that at work wether they brain surgeons or factory workers .

Things will be different when I go back to work obviously, then I will expect equal dealing with the nights but not on mat leave

Well I have the boobs so that was kinda that...

@PrimrosePhantasm I'll support that. Your husband needs his sleep to keep everyone safe.

Meh. Dh did Friday and Saturday night feeds. He is lorry driver. You really dont want him tired at the wheel. If he was office worker then he would have prob did more of night feeds