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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

999 replies

TeenTitans · 28/04/2019 19:23

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

OP posts:
HenSolo · 29/04/2019 19:06

other = mother

crispysausagerolls · 29/04/2019 19:07

7salmonswimming

Fully agree

HenSolo

My husbands contribution to our child during the week is working 70/80 hour weeks to provide him with a wonderful house and life, savings accounts, financial stability and holidays etc. I think that’s extremely valid, and since I am happy with the division of labour it’s not for you, or OP, or anyone else to suggest otherwise.

JacquesHammer · 29/04/2019 19:07

However, society still expects the other to do the lions share of the night wakings, which is extremely detrimental to health, healing and wellbeing

The point is we can’t all take a road that won’t work for us as a family in order to bunk society’s expectations.

MsAwesomeDragon · 29/04/2019 19:08

I did all the night feeds. Even once I was back at work full time. I was breastfeeding, DD refused to take a bottle, so actually I did ALL my feeding overnight once DD was over 6 months. Thank God for cosleeping, that's all I can say.

If we'd been bottle feeding then DH would have taken his shift. Once I was back at work it would have been equal shifts. But since DD refused a bottle that just wasn't possible. DH did other things. He did bathtime, got her up and dressed in the mornings, changed nappies, washed all the extra clothes and the cloth nappies, etc. I think I got the better end of the deal tbh, at least I was cuddling the baby when I was feeding her, and overnight she pretty much helped herself as long as the boob was easily accessible.

Emmabryant123 · 29/04/2019 19:09

can sit down and drink cups of tea whenever you like, watch TV.......

Ha ha ha
Do you have kids ?
And what about people with more than one ?

53rdWay · 29/04/2019 19:11

he has to actually to go to work to earn a living, keep a roof over your head and pay for the baby and for you to eat.

Hmm. How does this work for mat leave? For my first one I earned more than DH and had a decent maternity package, so for the first few months I was bringing in more money than he was, and therefore I was the one paying to keep him fed and housed by that logic. I suspect I’m not the only woman in that situation?

HenSolo · 29/04/2019 19:11

My husbands contribution to our child during the week is working 70/80 hour weeks to provide him with a wonderful house and life, savings accounts, financial stability and holidays etc. I think that’s extremely valid, and since I am happy with the division of labour it’s not for you, or OP, or anyone else to suggest otherwise.

Does anyone read other people’s posts before commenting??
I clearly said if it works for you then that is great. However it DOESNT work for many yet still happens. The default setting is - mother does night wakings no matter what. This needs to change.

ArabellaDoreenFig · 29/04/2019 19:12

Not agreeing doesn’t mean with haven’t read or are willfully misunderstanding!

They key is choice.

Isn’t it far simpler to understand that there’s only a problem if someone is being coerced into choices that don’t work for them?

A pp said this earlier, and I think it sums it up perfectly.

Night wakings simply aren’t an issue for some parents.

Dungeondragon15 · 29/04/2019 19:12

And yet I managed it completely alone, 7 nights a week. And my kids had medical issues so he was up 8 or 9 times a night.

Just because you survived while severely sleep deprived it doesn't mean it's safe. It would be reckless to drive a car for example. If you can avoid it why on earth would you risk damaging your health and potentially your child's just so you partner could have eight hours sleep?

JacquesHammer · 29/04/2019 19:12

The default setting is - mother does night wakings no matter what. This needs to change

Absolutely. I totally agree.

But the Op having a knee-jerk reaction of being “irritated” without finding out anything more about whether her friends are happy with the situation is pointless.

53rdWay · 29/04/2019 19:13

It's not a working man's duty to do night feeds.

No wonder so many of them think it’s fine to do fuck-all parenting once their partner goes back to work.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 29/04/2019 19:14

There is nothing on here of what the OP has said that I would agree with.

It’s soley depends on the household circumstances, finances and beliefs.

Most people don’t work in offices OP. Hmm

Woman don’t have to be their child’s main primary care giver, shocking there are some woman who go back to work FT by choice, and also some woman go back to work as the main household earner.

Those are choices woman/men make for the best interest of there family.

HenSolo · 29/04/2019 19:14

The point is we can’t all take a road that won’t work for us as a family in order to bunk society’s expectations

No of course not! But I feel as a woman the need to stand up for those friends I have who are suffering because of sleep deprivation and selfish partners who feel vindicated by society that they don’t have to help!
And no that’s not a bloody dig at anyone here. If you are happy and choose how you share responsibilities then fantastic (as I keep saying!)

JacquesHammer · 29/04/2019 19:15

But I feel as a woman the need to stand up for those friends I have who are suffering because of sleep deprivation and selfish partners who feel vindicated by society that they don’t have to help!

So would I! I wouldn’t start by assuming the situation and being irritated with them without finding out though.

Dungeondragon15 · 29/04/2019 19:18

I thought that was the point of maternity leave, so you didn't have to get up all the way through the night, then be on the ball all day at work.

Lol. Maternity leave is meant to be entirely for the benefit of the child and has nothing to do with giving parents a rest.

OhBetty · 29/04/2019 19:22

The 2 main reasons I can see for agreeing to do sole night feeding are 1: exclusive breast feeding and 2: possibility of stay at home parent catching up on sleep when baby sleeps during day.
For those reasons, I wake at night.
I strongly agree that looking after children is just as much hard work as doing a paid job, however.
The decisions we make regarding our children (such as nutrition, safety, activities, emotional and physical growth, mindful parenting) are just as important as decisions made at work, plus they involve the people we care most about.
If a Nanny/career was doing my ‘job’ (childcare/cleaning/transport/cook) she/he would be paid, so anyone who can not recognise it as ‘work’ is delusional.
I can understand worrying that tiredness may result in accident for someone who drives a lot/has a lot of responsibility but, consider this: stay at home parent also drives a lot if doing school runs/food shopping/activities.... and looking after a tiny human (or a few) is a HUGE responsibility.
In reality, parents should do their best to be sensitive to partners individual needs, communicate their own, and try to come to an understanding, of course ;)

Hushhush89 · 29/04/2019 19:23

I know were your coming from and I'll admit the amounts of times I've been up during the night with a screaming baby/child I have occasionally cursed at my husband for sleeping through it all.... but at the same time my husband is a full time firefighter and needs his sleep so mistakes are not made at work as it wouldn't just effect him if something went wrong it could also effects people's life and I know if I made him get up and then something happened on his next job I'd be blaming myself for not letting him sleep.

Dungeondragon15 · 29/04/2019 19:24

How does this work for mat leave? For my first one I earned more than DH and had a decent maternity package, so for the first few months I was bringing in more money than he was, and therefore I was the one paying to keep him fed and housed by that logic. I suspect I’m not the only woman in that situation?

I earned more than DH while on maternity leave too. I'm sure lots of women do as it's often only after they have had children that they start to earn less.

Barbie222 · 29/04/2019 19:24

Maternity leave is meant to be entirely for the benefit of the child and has nothing to do with giving parents a rest.

I've heard it all now.

Namestheyareachangin · 29/04/2019 19:31

OP has argued herself insideout here (as well as revealing the predictable scorn society currently offers women who really enjoy motherhood). Work is so much easier and she found it more stimulating, enjoyable, and fulfilling than raising children - but she has no desire to work outside the home. She thinks sleep is the most important thing to share equally and everything else can be divided any old way one sees fit, even if that results in a completely stereotypical formula that entirely reinforces the idea that men earn and women tend to their household, whereas the stereotype that WOHP partners need a reliably good night's sleep more than SAHPs who have more flexibility in how they arrange their days is COMPLETELY INSUPPORTABLE. And yeah, unless you present a shiny smily face to your hubby when he comes home from work he'll be having an affair, because men can't possibly love a woman who doesn't "take care of herself" and value the effort she is putting in with their child can he? They need to see your smily face and your hair done!

The idea you are out there to challenge women's oppression by stereotypes is....well... Laughable really.

And I agree with PP that this thread is largely being contributed to by people with limited or no experience of breastfeeding (not surprising given the national stats).

Waking to feed your child 8 times a night is not unusual; no no 6+ month old nutritionally needs that many bottles in a night,and if you fed a baby that much formula you'd be endangering them frankly. But a breastfeed can be a half hour guzzle or a couple of sips; it promotes a swift return to sleep, and if co-sleeping can be done by both parties without ever fully coming to. It is an invaluable tool with a frequent waker ime. And it is something only the mother can do, unless she wants the ballache if expressing (and unless she actually can express, and unless her baby will actually take a bottle). I found flipping a boob out while half asleep a great deal less bother than that.

But that's me. Other parents do things differently. And That's OK. I don't require them to do things my way to validate my choices. And I didn't need everyone to be breastfeeding to give me the motivation to breastfeed into toddlerhood - wouldn't have done it if I did as hardly anybody does. The "stereotype promoted" in all the literature and cultural references on babies (and on this thread as well!) is that babies are bottle fed, at least once past a few months. And yet, because breastfeeding was important to me, I was able to see past that and do it my own way.

I imagine if equal sleep is as important to a mother, and her husband isn't a total penis, she will manage to see past the "stereotype" of mothers who do night wakings "because the husband works" and ensure that night wakings are shared. After all OP you did. But I suppose you must be very very special.

EdWinchester · 29/04/2019 19:31

I did all the night feeds because I was breastfeeding and my husband was working.

I have friends that would faff about at night and make their husbands get up to change nappies, even though the mum was up anyway bfing. Makes no sense to me. My husband needed his sleep as he was working and also he was unable to lactate.

My husband would come home in the evenings and insist I did nothing. He'd do baths, bedtime and cook dinner and clear up. He also made me lie in every weekend. Seems a fair deal.

crispysausagerolls · 29/04/2019 19:36

Namestheyareachangin

Here here!

crispysausagerolls · 29/04/2019 19:36

*hear hear even! (Typing whilst BF 😃)

ToftyAC · 29/04/2019 19:37

I get it OP. I’m lucky as my DP and I took it in turns. It’d be 2 nights on, 2 nights off.

HenSolo · 29/04/2019 19:38

op has repeatedly said she is talking about couples where the justification for mum doing all night wakings is dad has to go to work NOT exclusive breastfeeding so can we stop flogging that dead horse please

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