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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

999 replies

TeenTitans · 28/04/2019 19:23

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

OP posts:
BenjiB · 29/04/2019 17:57

I BF so no option but to do night feeds myself, also I never even left the bed! But really two people don’t need to be awake to feed a baby. I could catch up on sleep while the baby napped if need be, my husband couldn’t nap at work. As long as they pitch in other times I don’t see a problem. If I bottle fed and worked then I’d expect him to share it!

cherrybath · 29/04/2019 17:57

I always did all the night feeds for my four children. I was lucky enough not to have to go back to paid work quickly and certainly didn't resent doing the night feeds which I considered part of my "job". My DH had a very full-time job which involved being away from home - depriving him of sleep wasn't going to help anybody.

havingtochangeusernameagain · 29/04/2019 17:57

Women can fall asleep in their car and die though. Unless you lot never drive while on mat leave

Yes, they could. But they're not navigating rush hour traffic or having to drive in the dark in winter weather conditions. And they can drive when they feel ok - if you have to go to work, you have to go and you can't have a nap in the day.

Anyway, it was a sensible thing for us to do. I didn't NEED to drive, I could walk to places and as it happened my son was a good sleeper. Perhaps if he'd woken up 5 times a night we might have considered doing things differently.

BarbadosBrenda · 29/04/2019 17:58

'It's nothing to do with his job and everything to do with it being easier to get them washed and dried in the day than the evening.'

Of course you rationalise your choices, as everyone else does with theirs.

Now stop judging, get off your high horse and live and let live. Have you got his tea ready and shirts ironed yet it's nearly 6 Grin

havingtochangeusernameagain · 29/04/2019 17:58

(I am talking from the perspective of having one child, too. So I didn't need to do school runs and take older kids to parties/activities).

Newmumma83 · 29/04/2019 17:58

In the beginning when there was no sleep my husband would relieve me for 2-3 hours say 4-7am so I had some sleep for the safety of the baby really and my sanity. It would not have worked if he didn’t help some as there was no sleep time day or night

Now he is settled enough and has been a while then as I am off I do the night feeds Sunday to Thursday ... Friday and Saturday my husband does them ... but I get up
Early when baby wants to play so he can lay in ... team work is key and I am so greatful my husband helped and wanted to help. His job is pretty stressful too so I am one lucky lady x x

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 18:00

Hilarious Barbados. Bet yours is "working late" because his wife has bags under her eyes, unwashed hair and is snappy from sleep deprivation yet again. ;)

OP posts:
ArabellaDoreenFig · 29/04/2019 18:00

To be honest OP your posts read more like you resent being a SAHP, although in your shoes I can sort of understand why - because it doesn’t sound like things are all that ‘equal’ in your house.

The stay at home parents posting who have had positive experiences generally have ‘fair’ set ups at home and this is why there isn’t any resentment- because there doesn’t need to be.

Grimgle · 29/04/2019 18:03

Can't be arsed reading the previous 900+ replies but YBVU. My husband drives for a living and I don't fancy him killing himself or others because I fancied a lie in or felt I deserved to be a little less tired whilst I did some admin work from home.

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 18:03

I don't resent it at all Arabella. My partner does equal share of the parenting and I get undisturbed sleep so I feel lucky. Although it should be standard.

OP posts:
winniestone37 · 29/04/2019 18:03

Yes I think you are unreasonable. People live different lives to you, it's up to them to work out what's best.

AvocadoDream · 29/04/2019 18:04

My DH is an electrician and I really wasn’t comfortable with him working with potentially dangerous electrics on broken sleep. He is a very light sleeper, so it is hard for him getting a restful night anyway without being woken up by a wailing baby several times a night.

I breastfed, so all my babies woke up quite a bit in the night. We co-slept, so I often bf them without fully waking up and went back to sleep no problem due to oxytocin release post feed. My DH didn’t have hormones on his side.

However, DH would often take baby out of the house so I can sleep for 1-2 hours which made a difference.

Also I didn’t need to do a superwoman act at home and have everything spick’n’span and a homecooked meal in the evening.

You cope the best you can. There was absolutely no sense in us both being wrecked, especially when I could be at home and spent my time how I saw fit without my boss watching me or working with potentially dangerous electricity.

So it is give and take. My DH contributed in other ways and wasn’t a dick when there was no dinner for him and the house was a bombsight. I don’t feel resentful of how we did it, I needed to breastfeed, so I was the primary call anyway.

We did what was best for the children and family as a whole. Women take a massive hit anyway the moment they get pregnant. So the best way not to inconvenience yourself is stay child free, then every night is a good night!

JacquesHammer · 29/04/2019 18:09

Bet yours is "working late" because his wife has bags under her eyes, unwashed hair and is snappy from sleep deprivation yet again

See I think this is just projection of your own situation however much you try and pretend it’s totes amusing with a jaunty wink.

G00ders1 · 29/04/2019 18:09

I think it’s what works best for people. Me and my husband shared the night feeds initially, then when he went back to work full time I did the majority, though he would do some. I went back to work after 5 months and my husband is having the next 4 months off, and we’re lucky enough to have a baby who has been sleeping through for a long time now, but I know that my husband would be the one who would get up in the night now if our baby needed anything.
I think for women who breastfeed it must be hard, as it literally is only them who can do it - unless combination feeding, or bottle feeding using breastmilk.
People need to talk to find the best solution for them, and that isn’t the same for everyone.

crispysausagerolls · 29/04/2019 18:10

Bet yours is "working late" because his wife has bags under her eyes, unwashed hair and is snappy from sleep deprivation yet again

What a deeply, deeply unpleasant and personal comment. Really. Horrible.

Norfolkenchancemate · 29/04/2019 18:10

I've seen a few women post on here that it's not 'work' or 'work you have to concentrate on' or 'you can sit around in your pjs' only the pjs bit is true. I gave up a very high pressured, target driven sales job to be a full time mum when I got pregnant with my third, I have 4, my job was WAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY easier and very, very, extremely well paid, I now do the work of several people in a day, I don't get any kind of payment, nor do I feel I need it they are MY children, but sometimes I do think I should go back to travelling over a 1000 miles a week for a rest.

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 18:11

Jaques how is it projection when I get to sleep every night?

OP posts:
Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 18:11

crispy but it was okay to tell me to hurry up and get the tea on because I'm a SAHM? Double standard it seems.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 29/04/2019 18:12

how is it projection when I get to sleep every night?

And? So did I, did all night wakings and still wasn’t sleep deprived. You seem unable to comprehend there are a myriad of situations outside your tiny bubble.

Tubs11 · 29/04/2019 18:13

Unless he he can magically produce milk then he was never going to do the night feeds. Daughter was sleeping through by the time I went back to work, but if she wasn't then guess we'd have set up a schedule of some sort.

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 18:13

Jaques if you're doing all the nights your sleep won't be unbroken.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 29/04/2019 18:17

if you're doing all the nights your sleep won't be unbroken

I never said it was Confused I said I wasn’t sleep deprived. Why are you finding that a tricky concept? Some people needs lots of unbroken sleep, others don’t. It isn’t that difficult to understand that someone who fits the latter type is much more able to be perfectly happy on less sleep.

As an aside co-sleeping and laying down feeding meant I barely needed to wake anyway. Certainly not fully.

BarbadosBrenda · 29/04/2019 18:17

'Hilarious Barbados. Bet yours is "working late" because his wife has bags under her eyes, unwashed hair and is snappy from sleep deprivation yet again.'

What's wrong with unwashed hair, have you had your curlers in so you're all ready for dh? 'Snappy' is a bit of a clumsy stereotype.

Anyways, I sleep well thanks and he's in the kitchen rustling tea up.

Stop judging others. Whether people do the night feeds or 'get suits ready' it is what works for them.

Your nasty comments are proof you haven't a leg to stand on.

Hanywany · 29/04/2019 18:19

There is definately something underlying here for you to be getting so het up over other peoples situations and shared parental responsibilities etc!! Hmm

Original poster
TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 18:21

Jaques my point is unbroken sleep isn't as good as proper sleep and it's not fair for one person to repeatedly do the broken sleep.

Barbados I look presentable most days, actually, not for him but for me because I'm a person too. My nasty comment was in response to you. Don't insult people and then complain they do it back.

OP posts: