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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get cross every time I see a woman say her husband doesn't do any night feeds because "he works"?

999 replies

TeenTitans · 28/04/2019 19:23

I'm in a few mum groups online and I keep seeing this and it's driving me mad. Women who's husband's never do any night feeds because they work and women who think that's perfectly okay. Erm do you not think looking after the kids all day is work? My response is always "so do you!" when I see it. My partner has always helped with the nights because they're his kids as well and it's just as much his job as mine.

I'm not complaining about couples divvying up the work as they wish but the justification. YOU ALSO WORK.

OP posts:

crispysausagerolls · 29/04/2019 18:24

JacquesHammer

Ugh, I want to hug you! I wanted to post too that doing all the nights does not equal sleep deprivation! I also cosleep and even if DS awakens 19 x due to teething lol I can pop on the breast and we are asleep in minutes. For DH to have to get him back to sleep he has to get out of bed and rock for ages. Not equal at all.

But the comment made to you was tongue in cheek - a lot of posters here (myself included) are SAHM who do “wife work” you are describing. But they are not tearing down other women’s parental choices at the same time and calling them martyrs as you are. Your comment in retaliation is so much more offensive - it is an attack on presumed personal appearance and implies the poster’s husband is having an affair for goodness sake.

Dermymc · 29/04/2019 18:27

It's usually the women who gave up their lives and matyred themselves who have to believe that there's something in it, somehow

Coming from you OP who openly admit you do most things at home. I'd say a 50% housework split, 2 parents working out of the home parents and equal leisure time makes my relationship far more equal than yours.

JacquesHammer · 29/04/2019 18:27

my point is unbroken sleep isn't as good as proper sleep and it's not fair for one person to repeatedly do the broken sleep

I don’t know how to say this any plainer.

If I had three lots of 2 hours sleep, I would feel just as well as my then husband if he’d had unbroken sleep for the same period.

It is absolutely fair on one person to do unbroken sleep if it doesn’t affect them. If it does affect them that’s different of course.

ArabellaDoreenFig · 29/04/2019 18:30

I don’t understand where you are coming from on this TeenTitans -

You are a SAHP and therefore you do the lions share of cooking/cleaning/laundry etc, you do that because it suits your family situation, because your husband works, so what is different about other parents doing the lions share of night wakings because their partner works ?

Surely you could equally argue that it should make women cross that they have to launder and iron their husbands shirts because they work?

Original poster

TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 18:30

Funny how insults towards me are tongue in cheek but any retaliation from me is nasty...

Dermy how? I'd rather have sleep. What's a few extra shirts in the wash compared to a nice 7 hours?! I'm at home anyway. It's no extra effort to wash his clothes. I have no desire to work outside the home.

OP posts:

Original poster

TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 18:32

Jacques then you're lucky if that doesn't affect you at all, ever.

arabella because none of that affects people's health like sleep deprivation.

OP posts:

JacquesHammer · 29/04/2019 18:35

because none of that affects people's health like sleep deprivation

And not everyone is sleep deprived. You’re assuming that because you found night wakings tough, everybody does.

Isn’t it far simpler to understand that there’s only a problem if someone is being coerced into choices that don’t work for them?

BarbadosBrenda · 29/04/2019 18:37

'Surely you could equally argue that it should make women cross that they have to launder and iron their husbands shirts because they work?'

That doesnt count. Because the op says so.

She has an agenda to declare everyone who does night feeds is downtrodden.

I prefer to respect everyone choices on how they do things. Even the ops 'suit preparing'.

AnotherAverageMum1998 · 29/04/2019 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

YukoandHiro · 29/04/2019 18:38

I did it all because i bf and am prone to mastitis - definitely not worth the aggro of expressing and then missing a feed. And this continued a bit after I went back to work. I survived. It annoyed me a bit but sadly he can't lactate.

Original poster

TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 18:42

jacques do you honestly believe most people don't find broken sleep tough?

OP posts:

JacquesHammer · 29/04/2019 18:42

do you honestly believe most people don't find broken sleep tough?

No. I’m sensible enough to admit that my experience isn’t true for everyone but it’s always worth considering all permutations.

Original poster

TeenTitans · 29/04/2019 18:43

I've said repeatedly my issue is the justification that he works, not women who do those feeds for a variety of other reasons, such as breastfeeding or needing less sleep.

OP posts:

JacquesHammer · 29/04/2019 18:47

I did all the night feeds because he was the one who was working. The fact that I didn’t need sleep was a nice discovery.

That irritates you, then that’s not really my problem.

Attitude84 · 29/04/2019 18:47

I agree, however, he has to actually to go to work to earn a living, keep a roof over your head and pay for the baby and for you to eat. Big difference, he can’t have a nap when the baby sleeps when he is at work.
Take turns for night feeds on his days off yes, but not when he has to work. That is unfair.

Tightarseparent1 · 29/04/2019 18:53

I prefer to respect everyone choices on how they do things. Even the ops 'suit preparing

Mamalifeee · 29/04/2019 18:56

When I had DD my DP and I took shared responsibility in night feeds .. (I had hard pregnancy and traumatic delivery).. when he returned to work he done maybe 1 or 2 less a night but before he left for work half 5 in the morning he always made sure he done a feed before he done the hour drive to work. When his friends at work would ask how was he tired he would say and they would say ‘surely she should do them all’ his response ‘it’s my child aswell takes two to make a baby,she does everything else aswell as looking after DD’ and when people say ‘you sleep when they baby sleeps’ I took that time to clean wash bottles do washing have a shower and a cup of coffee... by the time you’ve done that it’s time for baby to be up! ... DP took a week off when I went back to work when DD was 1 and half and he was literally grey by the 3rd day and said he would rather be in work and was praising SAHM for what they do .. he’s always been a ‘ mans man’ aswell so for him to turn around and say this when we had DD was a real shock 😂😂

Dermymc · 29/04/2019 18:57

Dermy how? I'd rather have sleep. What's a few extra shirts in the wash compared to a nice 7 hours?! I'm at home anyway. It's no extra effort to wash his clothes. I have no desire to work outside the home.

Your preference is sleep and that works for you. For me I'd rather not do all the housework than sleep! Moot point now as I'm back at work and no longer BFing. However your argument is full of holes when you justify your life choices because you prefer that way, and then judge other women. "because he works" tends to be a catch all for a variety of reasons. I probably said that at some point on mat leave. What I actually meant was "because I EBF, DH works, I can sleep or have a lazy day" not just "because he works".

ArabellaDoreenFig · 29/04/2019 18:58

But you are missing the point of what posters are saying about choices TeenTitans -

You don’t cope well without a good sleep, so you need to share night wakings, fair enough.

I can crack on without a lot of sleep, (well I could back when my 2 were little!) so I didn’t need to share night wakings, and there are many other posters here who either had babies who slept well, or aren’t affected by broken sleep so they didn’t need to share night wakings.

The point is that partners divvy up tasks in a way that suits them - and judging how other people split their various jobs is really shitty, in particular judging other mums for making different choices to you, in your situation you share night wakings because that’s what you need, that doesn’t make you a ‘good’ feminist anymore than you doing all the cleaning and cooking and laundry makes you a ‘bad’ feminist.

7salmonswimming · 29/04/2019 18:59

You know what, OP? I think you resent the changes that having 3 children in 3 years have brought to your life, especially when compared to your DH's life.

I think you should go back to full time work as a civil servant with your new "transferable skills", put the kids in daycare or swap roles with your DH. Because with this level of bitterness, defensiveness, vitriol, lashing out, you're not doing anyone any favours (least of all yourself). You're certainly not doing your kids any favours. Just wait till they're older.

You do what works for you and leave everyone else alone. If a woman wants to do night-feeds "because her husband works", leave her be. It's nothing to do with you. It's just as likely as not that she doesn't need you to 'protect' her.

I'm ranting now, but your posts are just so fucking patronizing. Billions - BILLIONS - of women all over the world, throughout time, have done more than you: multiple children, working in the fields, widowed, divorced, unforeseen sickness, ill parents to look after as well, livings to earn, just fuck - LIFE. They just get on with it, sometimes with loving partners who do their share, sometimes without, because LIFE. And you're going on about sharing night wakings? Like you're the oracle of women's rights? Your very first post was aimed at the women who 'let' their children's fathers sleep, not even at the fathers who sleep. Can't you see yourself?

Jeez. Grow up.

Lichtie · 29/04/2019 18:59

I can't equate looking after a baby to work. Today I went to baby massage, out for coffee with a friend, on a group buggy walk, and had a nap in the afternoon. Great day, even though I was up 3 times during the night. DH went to work and then has came in and is taking baby time, which he doesn't consider work either.

ArabellaDoreenFig · 29/04/2019 18:59

( Cross posted with many of you who articulated it better than I did !)

HenSolo · 29/04/2019 19:01

Wow sorry you’re getting piled on OP by people who clearly can’t be arsed to read what you have posted previously, or are wilfully misunderstanding.

If you choose to do all the night wakings and are happy and content and well, or your husband has a unique job where he can’t possibly lose one minute of sleep then fantastic, lovely, well done.
However, society still expects the other to do the lions share of the night wakings, which is extremely detrimental to health, healing and wellbeing. I have seen this first hand in many many relationships. If you don’t believe me I can’t help that.

It is also important that the stay at home parent gets a relatively good nights sleep because they are in charge of the lives of one or more child.

No one is suggesting that the father should do all the night wakings. When you become a parent you are responsible for the child and that includes at night. Figure it out per family of course, but I have seen too many instances of couples not expecting the husband to contribute at all and the wife absolutely losing the plot due to sleep deprivation.

All these points have been said multiple times by the op and others.

It is unfair how op is being treated.

Barbie222 · 29/04/2019 19:04

I thought that was the point of maternity leave, so you didn't have to get up all the way through the night, then be on the ball all day at work. I expect it depends on your job but I found maternity leave very easy compared to night wakings plus work. I'd say looking after one or two of your own children isn't as hard as working a full day for me.

Earthakitty · 29/04/2019 19:05

Sorry ?
You call being at home with the kids " work ? "
You're answerable to no one , can sit down and drink cups of tea whenever you like, watch TV.......
It's not a working man's duty to do night feeds.
You're taking the piss.

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