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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not let me child continue this hobby?

295 replies

rainbowbash · 28/04/2019 11:18

DC2 is 8 and has been doing taekwondo for 2 years. likes it and is good at it. it's their only out of school activity apart from swimming lessons.

I had a change in circumstances financially (pay cut but that is a whole other thread) and it would really be a massive stretch to keep up the payments (£30 per month).

DC2 learns an instrument (guitar) at school and spends a lot of time playing/practising it at home, does swimming lessons privately(though hates it but I think it's essential. They will only go for 1 term with school in year 4 so unlikely to learn it through school).

Would it really be mean to cancel her taekwondo in these circumstances? Two (well off) friends accused me of being rather cruel. I told DC2 about my plans we had a few tears about it but she is pretty understanding of our limitations. but my friends made me really think.

And looking around my friends all DC seem to be able to do so much outside school (various sports, cheerleading, music lessons, scouts etc). I feel dreadful that I cannot facilitate this.
Not to drip feed - DC1 is severely disabled, I work but only very limited hours and due to DC1's needs it is pretty impossible to change or increase my hours as I have zero access to childcare. So the change work/do more hours responses won't help.

OP posts:
cheaperthebetter · 28/04/2019 12:44

Have you looked at what your LA can offer you for DC1 as they are disabled? Respite? Support worker? That allows you time for DC2 also LA have pots of money that can help you with DC1 e.g) I have DS who is disabled and my LA are funding him horse riding lessons, obviously LA are different but worth looking into Thanks

cantkeepawayforever · 28/04/2019 12:45

Honestly, do contact sources of help suggested on this thread - local rotary / masons; the club itself etc.

IME, the people who apply for specific financial help (for example with school residentials or bursaries) are often NOT those who are really struggling - they are sometimes just the the confident sharp-elbowed type who calculate that they just about meet the requirements. Those who are really struggling, and who are often the most deserving, are often inappropriately embarrassed or worried about what people will think of them, and because they don't apply, they don't get help.

Please, please consider applying.

BlueJava · 28/04/2019 12:45

I understand you feel swimming is essential - but twaekwondo is fantastic for the confidence of girls. Personally I'd let her to twaekwondo and pull her out of swimming after speaking to them.

Popchyk · 28/04/2019 12:46

Does your child have Pupil Premium at school?

Maybe worth investigating if that would cover the swimming lessons? I know that the current swimming lessons are extra-curricular, but PP does cover certain extra-curricular activities I think?

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/04/2019 12:47

I also agree with ditching the swimming. Your dd has the basics. When your dd is older, you or someone else will be able to teach her strokes in a far more cost effective way. Possibly have in mind you could pay for a few 1-2-1 lessons as a teen or something if finances will stretch then. These will be ever so expensive. But if you only had to pay for say 5 half hour privates at £15 a pop (or similar) to teach her crawl / breast stroke it will be cheaper in the long run. If she goes swimming with her friends at secondary, they will also probably teach her for free.....

Original poster
rainbowbash · 28/04/2019 12:48

Have you looked at what your LA can offer you for DC1 as they are disabled? Respite? Support worker?

as I said upthread. we do not qualify for respite as we haven't reached breaking point yet (unofficial local threshold) .

OP posts:
Heratnumber7 · 28/04/2019 12:49

Can you send her to a Guiding or Scouting group instead? They are very cheap in comparison because they are run by volunteers.

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 28/04/2019 12:50

Swimming matters because it can save your life. It really doesn’t matter if it’s a stylish front crawl or the awkward doggy paddle the OP describes. The important thing is being able to keep your head above water until help arrives.
I think you are doing the right thing letting DC choose her activity OP. She is lucky to have something she loves in her life and it would be a shame for her to miss out on it.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 28/04/2019 12:50

The skills she learns through taekwondo, body confidence, as well as the social side, and personal development MASSIVELY outweigh the benefit of swimming lessons if she's got some basics (unless you live on a boat) .

She can improve her swimming later. The group swim half an hour thing is a soulsapping cost-inefficient way to learn tbh.

I agree with pp, talk to the club about your difficulties and see if they can suggest anything/subsidised rate etc.

Two (well off) friends accused me of being rather cruel. . They are being rather unkind if they understand your circumstances. I'd suggest you're candid with them about your position.

theDudesmummy · 28/04/2019 12:52

Cancel the swimming and take her swimming yourself.

stressedoutpa · 28/04/2019 12:53

Ditch the swimming. Definitely.

Can you flog a few things on eBay? I get rid of our unwanted crap and it's surprising how it adds up. Something you can do as and when you have a few moments spare.

chocolatefondantcake · 28/04/2019 12:54

Hard choice op. I'm in Oz so my immediate reaction is that swimming is necessary - but I imagine in England not so.

My ds had years and years of swimming lessons and I thought he'd never even be able to float. When he got older it suddenly clicked for him and now he can swim.

When I was a kid one of my parents died and my dance instructor offered free lessons as we were suddenly down one income. My remaining parent was too embarrassed and took me out and I never forgot that. Dancing was my only hobby and the only thing that got me out of the house at a depressing time and helped with the loss. I think a hobby that kids enjoy is really important for happiness and development.

HBStowe · 28/04/2019 12:54

If she can swim to keep herself alive, ditch that instead of the tae kwon do. You can build up the swimming yourself, and she will continue to learn at school. I think it would be a real shame and damaging to her health and well-being in the long term if she has to quit the thing she loves.

Passtherioja · 28/04/2019 12:55

Would you be entitled to free school meals? This would bring Pupil premium funding into the school and you could ask for the school to use some of the funding to pay for the in-school music lessons and that would free up some money for swimming/Taekwondo.

You can check your entitlement online and the school has to keep the information confidential so there's no issue with people knowing. Music lessons would be a perfectly acceptable way to use PP funding.

Herland · 28/04/2019 12:56

The problem with TKD is that it is not just the classes that cost a fortune. We are with a club where we pay the £30 per month for one class a week. You must attend 2 seminars before a grading each costing £20-£30 each and then if you want to work up the belts you pay another £30-£40 per grading. If you want to compete you pay for those. And if you need to buy sparring gloves and protective gear- none of which come very cheaply. It my not be the same for you - but those who are suggesting to keep with going with TKD may not understand the true cost of it.

Having said that it would be such a shame for her to stop doing something she loved. I would look at other TKD schools or programmes in your area to find out if there are less costly alternatives.

theWarOnPeace · 28/04/2019 12:58

I also have to agree with dropping swimming. We are constantly evaluating the clubs out children do, and in your circumstances, swimming would go. I agree with Pp, we have a child with a disability too, and the others really need the emotional/confidence boost of doing the thing that they love and are good at. It sounds like martial arts and music are a real love of your DD’s, otherwise they’d be dragging their heels about going and never self motivating their practice!

You do hear the whole ‘swimming is a life skill’ thing a lot. I half agree, but the lessons are a luxury really. I think a better life skill is feeling like you’re good at something, having the chance to join in and participate, exercise and self-discipline. The Tae Kwondo trumps swimming in that regard.

Also, I would start a money-saving, support with disabilities thread. The ideas people have are amazing! Have you looked at charities specific to DC1’s disability, rather than LA or general charities?

mcmooberry · 28/04/2019 12:58

Taking her swimming herself would very likely be more expensive than the £3.75 the swimming costs!
I would definitely approach the TKD club about a reduction in fees.
Any family members that could chip in £10 a month?
Agree with the giving up swimming although I think most people assumed the lessons would be much dearer. I have just cancelled my twins' swimming lessons as we were going to be missing the last 2 sessions and £48 was too much to write off. She may well make huge progress with the school lessons as she will be that much older.
Good luck whatever you decide x

Heratnumber7 · 28/04/2019 12:59

I'm in Oz so my immediate reaction is that swimming is necessary - but I imagine in England not so

You can fall into a river anywhere in the world.
And enjoy a dip in the sea or local pool wherever you are

How is swimming more necessary in Oz than England? (by which I presume you mean U.K.)

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/04/2019 13:01

Ah @rainbowbash, this seems so hard Thanks

I did Taekwondo as a kid and loved it, it gave me a lot of confidence and self esteem that I didn't really get from a difficult family life. I didn't learn to swim until I was 27 - I've done 30 lengths today, I'm confident and stronger than I've ever been - my partner taught me! We still swim together now.

If you can bring yourself to, it's definitely worth talking to the class teachers. I know I went for really reduced rates for a while, and free for about six months, because I'd have had to give it up otherwise. They were wonderful.

Yougotdis · 28/04/2019 13:04

It’s more about water confidence and knowledge than ability. If your daughter is confident they know what to do if they fell in water and know what their abilities are then I’d let them choose teakwondo over swimming. If they take reckless risks in the water they would be staying til they were more knowledgeable

Etino · 28/04/2019 13:05

@theDudesmummy if you’re going to post snippy replies, at least RTFT. 😡
OP has already said that she can’t take her swimming as her other child is disabled.

Mykingdomforanickname · 28/04/2019 13:05

I would suggest you contact your local MP, explain the situation and ask whether he or she is aware of any charities which might help with the cost of your DD's taekwondo. MPs tend to be well connected. He or she may know of something. If not, the worst that happens is that you get a reply saying, "Sorry, can't help." I agree with what a PP said: there may well be other people in the area who are in less need than you, but who are getting more help from charities because they are less reticent about asking for help.

DarlingNikita · 28/04/2019 13:06

I think your well off 'friends' are twats. How dare they?!?

Tell them to fuck off. And ask your DC what she wants to do.