AIBU to not let me child continue this hobby?

[rainbowbash]

DC2 is 8 and has been doing taekwondo for 2 years. likes it and is good at it. it's their only out of school activity apart from swimming lessons.

I had a change in circumstances financially (pay cut but that is a whole other thread) and it would really be a massive stretch to keep up the payments (£30 per month).

DC2 learns an instrument (guitar) at school and spends a lot of time playing/practising it at home, does swimming lessons privately(though hates it but I think it's essential. They will only go for 1 term with school in year 4 so unlikely to learn it through school).

Would it really be mean to cancel her taekwondo in these circumstances? Two (well off) friends accused me of being rather cruel. I told DC2 about my plans we had a few tears about it but she is pretty understanding of our limitations. but my friends made me really think.

And looking around my friends all DC seem to be able to do so much outside school (various sports, cheerleading, music lessons, scouts etc). I feel dreadful that I cannot facilitate this.
Not to drip feed - DC1 is severely disabled, I work but only very limited hours and due to DC1's needs it is pretty impossible to change or increase my hours as I have zero access to childcare. So the change work/do more hours responses won't help.

Op, if it helps my DS12 did the compulsory swimming at school in year 4. Then going into year 6, we were told they had to be at a certain level before leaving primary, as another poster said. My son obviously wasn't so had to do more. I questioned why we as parents were not kept informed of their progress at the time if lessons in year 4 (as I often take him swimming myself but he prefers to play, jump in etc rather than actually swim, but if I'd known of a 'standard', I'd make more effort to get him to practice). I was told the school weren't required to keep a record until that point. Fair enough, I said and let him go again. Left primary school last year and I'm still unaware of how 'competent' he now is or if he 'passed' the standard!

This may not be standard in your schools but your child has the school lessons to go yet, as well as the experience and what he has learnt in the private lessons already, so I reckon dropping the lessons in favour of the martial art will be fine. But we all want some credit when he wins gold at the Olympics ok???

OP you said you were the de facto single parent which implies that the father is around? Can he chip in? If not why not?

I understand your concern about swimming and personal safety but I agree with other contributors, loving with a disabled sibling is hard, keeping the preferred sport would be good for DC2. You say you have no childcare... Have you contacted the SEN team at your local council to apply for Short Breaks finding for DC1? This would give you the chance to take DC2 swimming while DC1 was doing something else. Also does DC2 access any young carers support our siblings support that is available for the siblings of disabled children? There is lots out there and the children really benefit.

Op tough call . I also agree that the swimming can go as once they have learnt they can practice anyway

Then see if the budget allows for both the martial art and music ? But focus on the ones she likes the most

People are so insensitive sometimes

In my experience, kids go through so many phases and interests, that dropping swimming will do no harm. I tried for many years to get the children(who i raised) in my life to love swimming to no avail. They can swim at a push but even as adults have no desire to swim for sport/fitness.
Please don't feel bad about having to decide between the two, these things do happen and your 'friends' casting unhelpful commentary are not really representative of how most others would think!

Personally, i would say- kids need a bit of downtime at home and quite a few of these clubs are a bit overrated.
I know parents who put their kids into every single type of club available to enhance their 'Oxbridge' chances. By mid teens most of the kids didn't continue with these clubs.
I can appreciate that for some kids, maybe clubs are great but honestly don't compare your child with others.

Instead of the swimming, why not do a hobby together at home? It could be anything from doing a longer puzzle(you can pick them up from a charity shop),doing paper mache solar system, play chess, bake/watch a film on tv, read a classic book together-criteria being just something you both choose to do together.
This way she gets a little extra time with you and you are still able to accommodate the needs of your other child.
When you have abit more time, do take up some of the excellent advice from other posters about seeking further help about disability benefits.

Also if you want to check your current utilities/mobile contract etc, do go onto moneysavingexpert and you see if there are any further savings you can make on your currents expenses. They do have a section of free activities you can do with kids, which is worth a look plus a coupons section.

Above all else your daughter will value the time you spend with her, so don't stress too much and think of the swimming being dropped as a opportunity for you both to have some more bonding together.

I’ve never understood the ‘its important to learn to swim’. Why?
I know loads of adults that can’t swim & they seem to have managed to manage perfectly well, some to a ripe old age. Swimming isn’t really that important. Making her stop something that she enjoys & is good at is terrible. Let her carry on & ditch the swimming.

Agree re dropping the swimming. Swimming lesson progress can be slow. Both mine had 5 one to one lessons but the rest of the time we did family visits with both having goggles & loving swimming in the water. If you could do the occasional fun session together things should just progress naturally. I know SN creates challenges so I hope this is an option for you. Both myself & my son are deaf and this was the best way for them to learn, they loved just having fun in the water and ended up being stronger swimmers than most of those who did lessons.

can you spare the time to take her swimming and now and then just to keep her at it a bit without paying as much for lessons? then keep up the sport she enjoys?

Keep the Taekwondo if you can! My two DCs have done it since age 4 and are now black belts. I love the fact that they have an inner confidence and are able to defend themselves if needs be. Our club is very family orientated and works hard to keep members. Can you speak to the instructor? Depending on what belt your DC has reached and how much enthusiasm they have, maybe they could help instruct the younger ones, once or twice a week in return for reduced fees for their own training? I agree that swimming, although definitely a life skill, is easier to pick up than a sport like TKD which takes practise and dedication to become good at. Also you mention your younger DC who has difficulties, I would guess that your older DC gets an awful lot of mental peace and clarity from the TKD that will help them deal with stuff at home and school. I also do TKD and it's helped me enormously with combatting depression and anxiety. Good luck, I know how tough it must be for you.

Apologies - I haven't read the whole thread - but a lot of pools do at least 1 free swim initiative session - if she can swim well enough (which if she is comfortable doing a length, sounds like she can) then if your pool does it, take her once a week / fortnight to the free session, just to keep her going with it. You might find she enjoys it better , especially if you can team up with a friend, and at 8 you don't have to go in with her (at least not here). Hopefully that would save you enough to keep on with the activity she prefers, too. Another option would be surf / life saving clubs - usually far more fun than lessons, here they start from 6 and just have to be able to swim 1 length safely, and they get to play on boards, rescue each other etc - and it's mostly pool based. Ours is £1.50 each per session. Hope this helps (and sorry if it's already been suggested!)

I agree with keeping up the taekwondo. Our situation is slightly different in that I’m the one with the disability; but my ds1 does karate (recently passed his black belt) and I know what a good stress outlet it’s been. I also know the instructor fairly well now, and I know she’d never want someone to drop out for financial reasons (it is a volunteer run club, not a commercial one) in fact I know she’s helped various of us out.

@rainbowbash just a thought have you considered you maybe better off on Universal Credit? They have a carers element that you don't need to be claiming carers allowance for.

Have sent you a PM Rainbowdash

@Rainbowbash Is your DC entitled to Pupil Premium Grant (PPG) at school? If so speak to them, they might be able to help with the cost of our of school activities.

Children are encouraged to swim so that they can survive if they fall into water anywhere, but if they do not have an interest in taking up the sport, so long as they can swim out of danger it should be enough. It was for mine.
Taekwondo, on the other hand teaches children control over their bodies and can also be a matter of life or death, but in this case danger is far more likely to be faced than swimming: after all, children only go into the water if they enjoy it. On the other hand, there are many incidents in life where the ability to control your body may save a life.

It does no harm to a child to learn that everything they do has to be paid for. Children know more about money matters than we sometimes think. If you sit down with your children and tell them how much money is coming in and how best to spend it, you will be surprised at their reaction. I did that with my DD when her father left and we worked out a budget that enabled us to have a little for ourselves. That was a difficult time as we had a pony, donkey, three cats, two rabbits and a chicken to feed.

I'm with the others who say if it's a direct choice between a sport your kid likes and one they don't, pay for the one they enjoy.

Your local council may have some sort of leisure pass where you and kids get into swimming pool cheap. Go with them it will be more fun and your DC may enjoy it more that way.

If you can't afford Taikwondo at all that's fair enough, cancel, but don't stop your kid doing it on order to pay for something they don't like.

Also good luck and love it's shit having to make these choices when you're skint.

I don't know if this will apply to you, or how much of a benefit you would get, but is your local council aware of your situation, as I believe that in some cases you don't have to pay so much council tax if there is only one adult in the family, and you may also get a reduction for having a severely disabled dependant. I know you have very little emotional reserves left, but you are obviously a very caring and able mum, so if you could ask at your local council offices for any advice, it may be well worth it. I live in Somerset otherwise I would love to be able to babysit, and support you emotionally. Good luck Sweetheart.

Swimming send important for you, not fit her. Unreasonable for you to cancel what she likes in favour of what you like. She can always come back to swimming later on.

If she hates swimming and isn't progressing stop doing that - she won't progress of she's not into it anyway. She can learn again when she's older and can afford it.

Letting her do the things she enjoys will be beneficial for the both of you!

Hi OP, your dad may be considered a young carer and eligible for "short breaks" funding which can be used to pay for things such as sports classes. If you're in Scotland you can find out if it is available in your area at
www.sharedcarescotland.org.uk/shortbreaksfund/timetolive/
I'm not sure if similar is available in other parts of the UK, may be worth checking?