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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not let me child continue this hobby?

295 replies

rainbowbash · 28/04/2019 11:18

DC2 is 8 and has been doing taekwondo for 2 years. likes it and is good at it. it's their only out of school activity apart from swimming lessons.

I had a change in circumstances financially (pay cut but that is a whole other thread) and it would really be a massive stretch to keep up the payments (£30 per month).

DC2 learns an instrument (guitar) at school and spends a lot of time playing/practising it at home, does swimming lessons privately(though hates it but I think it's essential. They will only go for 1 term with school in year 4 so unlikely to learn it through school).

Would it really be mean to cancel her taekwondo in these circumstances? Two (well off) friends accused me of being rather cruel. I told DC2 about my plans we had a few tears about it but she is pretty understanding of our limitations. but my friends made me really think.

And looking around my friends all DC seem to be able to do so much outside school (various sports, cheerleading, music lessons, scouts etc). I feel dreadful that I cannot facilitate this.
Not to drip feed - DC1 is severely disabled, I work but only very limited hours and due to DC1's needs it is pretty impossible to change or increase my hours as I have zero access to childcare. So the change work/do more hours responses won't help.

OP posts:
AvengersAssemble · 28/04/2019 12:04

I think YABU but I understand why you feel conflicted. I could not make my kids drop a hobby because I would feel so guilty. Try look elsewhere in your budget to see where savings can be made, but tbh if I had too
I would drop the music lessons as I guarantee the novelty soon wears off and they stop practicing.

RozyRoz · 28/04/2019 12:05

This is a toughy.

Like you, we pushed swimming lessons for years. He hated the lessons and only got to a certain point in them. The lessons weren't teaching him anything after that. I think it's a vital skill but When we looked at it objectively he wasn't actually learning it.

If that is the case with your kids, I'd ditch the swimming.

Cheby · 28/04/2019 12:08

I think swimming is a necessary life skill but given she can swim 25m I’d let her choose in this situation. Shocked at £3.75 a lesson though. We pay £10!!

Bookworm4 · 28/04/2019 12:09

When mine were younger and things were tight, rather than £30 per month I used to say £1 a day , it seemed less daunting to look at it like that. Pop £1 in a jar each day and it's not missed as much as £30 in a one.

BeautyWasTheBeast · 28/04/2019 12:09

She can swim, she will get better when she does her school swimming so I'd let her drop that for now.

Maybe have a look round for cheaper martial arts clubs. My Ds did taekwondo and it was £30 a month for 1 class a week.

We moved to karate and it's £6.50 a class or £30 for as many classes a week as he wants to go to (usually 3) or he also does ju jitsu for £5 a session.

AvengersAssemble · 28/04/2019 12:13

Scratch my post OP about the music lessons, agree with giving up the swimming as she will still do it in school anyway.

Pugpigprick · 28/04/2019 12:13

Is there a local free mason/lions club/rorety club nearby? It's essentially adults who enjoy fundraising in their local community for exactly this reason - you can write them an email explaining your situation i.e. you're a single parent who's a full time carer to a disabled child and you're youngest really enjoys the club but you're now unable to afford it if they could offer a donation towards the yearly cost. They literally have a few thousand in a pot for this reason. I quite often write to them for donations towards my local brownie unit. Do not feel ashamed asking for help as anyone could be in your position.

TraceyLP · 28/04/2019 12:14

Hi OP,
If you do decide to cancel something to save cash I thought it might be worth mentioning that our scouts is only £7.50 per calendar month (although they do offer optional camps/trips on occasion that have a fee attached). Not sure what is average but the wonderful staff are all volunteers so it keeps the cost right down. Boys and girls can go of course.

I think you should revisit the Carers assessment/respite care issue. As I understand it you have a legal right to an assessment - why not see if you can find someone to advocate for you like a charity /head teacher etc. Get to know your rights www.scope.org.uk/advice-and-support/finding-respite-care-when-you-look-after-a-disabled-child

It should not be the case that you never have the chance to do anything with your other child because of your other child’s different needs.

I know a little about adult services for people with learning disabilities and there are large variations in the amount and type of support parents and carers access from day services or one on one carers daily and also short break allocation up to people who have their own flats with 24 hour staffing. I’d say (unfortunately I guess) one of the main deciders in getting plenty of support (other than crisis) is families knowing their rights and fighting for them. Don’t be fobbed off - enlist help.

Good luck

Thecoffee · 28/04/2019 12:15

Swimming is really important but right now she sounds like she needs the Taekwondo. She would make much better progress with 1-1 swimming lessons so I'd shelve them for now then try a few private lessons when finances allow.

PregnantSea · 28/04/2019 12:15

If you can't afford it then you can't afford it, that's just life. There will always be other children with wealthier parents who can do all sorts of things that your DC can't, that's true for most people. It's frustrating but it's really not the end of the world. Your DC is loved, safe and fed and that's the important thing. Also they're having music lessons and swimming lessons so they're hardly deprived - many children would kill for that kind of opportunity. Money doesn't grow on trees and it does your DC no harm whatsoever to learn this lesson.

That being said, I'm surprised you wouldn't cancel the swimming instead, given that your DC doesn't enjoy that but does seem to like Taekwondo?

DowntonCrabby · 28/04/2019 12:18

I agree with PP’s to keep taekwondo if at all possibly. Drop the swimming meantime.

Madratlady · 28/04/2019 12:19

You mention private swimming lessons, do they come to considerably more than the cost of the taekwondo? Would it be possible to move her to subsidised lessons at a local pool? We pay £22/month at the local leisure centre but would pay at minimum twice, probably 4x that privately.

fourstepsforward · 28/04/2019 12:20

I wouldn't worry about your daughter not getting to go to endless clubs.
I don't think it is a good thing that kids do so many structured activities now. If she has one thing she enjoys that is a good thing if you can keep it up.

I agree that your 'horrified' affluent friends can chip in rather than just criticise from, the sidelines. Really irritates me the way some people don't realise how some others have to make quite basic choices of priorities because of money constraints.

I also think the system sucks that people in your situation do have to struggle so much.

Singlebutmarried · 28/04/2019 12:21

Your DD may be entitled to a young carers grant or similar.

Have a look into that x

LL83 · 28/04/2019 12:22

Swimming is important. But I would prioritise the hobby she enjoys due to the discipline, social skills and exercise it provides.

Original poster
rainbowbash · 28/04/2019 12:24

You mention private swimming lessons, do they come to considerably more than the cost of the taekwondo?

i meant lessons outside school. it's at a local college pool and 3.75 per lesson. so not expensive at all.

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 28/04/2019 12:24

Tell your ridiculous friends that if they feel it’s so cruel maybe they can pay for it?

How lovely to be a situation where you never have to consider the cost of anything your child does because you know the money is available - honestly it would really upset me if someone said that to me if I’d just opened up about financial difficulties.

It’s not cruel, it’s cruel to risk not having any hot water or any food for the last week of the month because taekwondo has been prioritised.

TanMateix · 28/04/2019 12:26

Ditch the swimming. If she already knows has to paddle and float, is enough at this age. If you really need to cut a class let the child choose which one to cut. What about guitar classes taking place fortnightly rather than weekly?

KateyKube · 28/04/2019 12:30

I don't think it is a good thing that kids do so many structured activities now
As a kid I didn’t get to do any structured activities. Everyone else did. So I was sitting at home every evening with no friends and nothing to look forward to, because everyone else was out and had friendship groups from their hobbies. It was very isolating and depressing. And as an adult I really regret losing that decade of unlimited free time and enthusiasm to develop a skill. You never have that opportunity again. If you can afford to let your DC have a hobby then do it.

jackstini · 28/04/2019 12:37

Agree with the majority - let the swimming go for now and keep
Taekwondo

Bet dd will be so happy Smile she sounds very mature for her age too, like she has earned that right to choose

Jaxhog · 28/04/2019 12:38

I can only echo those who've said to give her the choice. Taekwondo will be giving her physical confidence and, if its something she really enjoys, then it would be cruel to take it away. Especially to then make her do something she doesn't enjoy. Increased physical confidence is so important and will eventually help her have more confidence swimming.

fluorescentorange · 28/04/2019 12:40

Have you spoken to the coach at taekwondo, I remember letting a family have free coaching at our athletics club years ago. (As long as they kept it quiet) if she enjoys it and is good maybe even half price. You don’t ask, you’ll never know.

theworldistoosmall · 28/04/2019 12:40

Hi op go on entitledto and search for grants. There will be something that will help including respite.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 28/04/2019 12:42

OP if it creates financial strain, I would think about just telling the club you're having a hard time financially at the moment and asking if there is any way they can give you a reduced rate, deferred payments or a bursary. I honestly think most organisations would be glad you told them and would try to accomodate your family.

At one of my DC hobbies we are given the option on the fee slip of paying extra towards a fund that subsidises children whose families are short. We always pay extra if we can because I think like most people we don't like the idea of kids missing out because of finances. I think this is a really great initiative and I would love to see it in more places.

Waveysnail · 28/04/2019 12:44

If you cant afford it then that's the way it is and I'd be very proud of your daughter for understanding that. Perhaps look at taekwondo classes in community centres/church halls - could be cheaper? Also we have a young carers group where I live perhaps something for dd if shes bot already involved.