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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not let me child continue this hobby?

295 replies

rainbowbash · 28/04/2019 11:18

DC2 is 8 and has been doing taekwondo for 2 years. likes it and is good at it. it's their only out of school activity apart from swimming lessons.

I had a change in circumstances financially (pay cut but that is a whole other thread) and it would really be a massive stretch to keep up the payments (£30 per month).

DC2 learns an instrument (guitar) at school and spends a lot of time playing/practising it at home, does swimming lessons privately(though hates it but I think it's essential. They will only go for 1 term with school in year 4 so unlikely to learn it through school).

Would it really be mean to cancel her taekwondo in these circumstances? Two (well off) friends accused me of being rather cruel. I told DC2 about my plans we had a few tears about it but she is pretty understanding of our limitations. but my friends made me really think.

And looking around my friends all DC seem to be able to do so much outside school (various sports, cheerleading, music lessons, scouts etc). I feel dreadful that I cannot facilitate this.
Not to drip feed - DC1 is severely disabled, I work but only very limited hours and due to DC1's needs it is pretty impossible to change or increase my hours as I have zero access to childcare. So the change work/do more hours responses won't help.

OP posts:
jwpetal · 29/04/2019 19:21

I understand the need for your child to learn to swim. I had all my children push through the swimming. However, I would say that Tae Kwon Do is very important. She likes it. It is what she enjoys. Being the sibling to a child with special needs is difficult. Give her this. If you find, that she needs to swim, maybe try to go with her when you have help for the other child or perhaps your partner.

You might find that when she gets older she will want to learn to swim and it will be easier.

squooz · 29/04/2019 19:22

Well done OP great decision - and you gave your DC2 the choice which is extra brownie points for helping her feel valued. We have a disabled dc2 with twin dc1 and it’s a balancing act. In this area ( sorry southern Surrey here) we can access young carers fairly easily - certainly not assessed as rigorously as your area. It’s a social and emotional support group. There is also support from the local short breaks activities- but I know most of these we pay for but I believe some options are available if you have the energy for the hoop jumping. It shouldn’t be like that. Good luck OP.

callmeadoctor · 29/04/2019 19:26

Have you thought of going on Facebook and just asking for some help re classes? Life's too short to be proud!

pollymere · 29/04/2019 19:27

Cancel the swimming lessons! They have to learn to swim at least three strokes and a length of the pool in each through school. Otherwise they continue in Y5. It's plenty. Taekwondo is their special thing. Having a disabled sibling makes this all the more important.

TatianaLarina · 29/04/2019 19:31

I learnt to swim properly on one summer course OP - was taught by an Olympic coach at a course at our local baths.

When she’s older she could go from doggy paddle to front crawl in a few weeks, so don’t feel bad.

Greensmurf1 · 29/04/2019 19:39

Are there any activities that your school can cover the costs of through pupil premium funds? Perhaps there is a compromise option if taekwondo and/or swimming are too expensive. Perhaps there is a bursary option or funds from community groups like the Rotary club or maybe some organisations to support families with disabled children so that you are all feeling like you get the support and enrichment of participation in hobbies and a community.

sighrollseyes · 29/04/2019 19:40

What about a different taekwondo club? Our local taekwondo club is £2 a session and they run 4 sessions a week so could do 1 session a week = £8 a month up to 4 sessions a week = £32 a month.

vikkiangelic · 29/04/2019 20:19

Do you live near the sea? If not then the swimming is not essential at this stage. If you do live by the sea and are regularly at the beach weather permitting then I would teach her how to be safe in the sea. The school will pick up where her swimming lessons left off when she gets to year 4. If she is enthusiastic about her martial arts I think it's important to keep that alive as long as possible and it's a good disaplin. If she doesn't enjoy swimming you could find that more private lessons will be needed than you anticipated as she won't give it her all as her heart won't be in it.
Good luck with what you decide x

Zoflorabore · 29/04/2019 20:22

Hi op, i know others have mentioned Brownies and it's not what your op was about but my dd is also 8 and her older brother, ds (16) has AS and she loves going as it's "her" thing. Cost is £2.50 per week and she will be going away with them a few times over the summer which is fundraised for.
Dd is learning lots of new skills and we live on a council estate in the NW where nobody does Brownies but just 2 miles away is her Brownie group at a church and I think it's a wonderful thing for little girls to do.

Back to your op, I hope your situation improves and you get all the help and support you need Flowers

pamhill64 · 29/04/2019 20:24

Are you getting all the benefits you are entitled to? Have a check on entitledto.co.uk. DLA/PIP for your disabled child should also go a little way to paying for experiences for your non-disabled child as a sort of “compensation” for the difficult times (sorry for any offence as non intended as I have disabled kids myself). Does your DD and yourself go to any support groups locally? Great source of support, advice and information. Or same for your disabled child to make friends.
If your DD gives up something she loves and is good at then maybe it shuts doors for being potentially a future Olympian maybe but my point is that she needs something of her own. Think of other ways to economise unless you have absolutely no choice

Louise2092 · 29/04/2019 20:45

Check for Grant's on turn2us.... they do loads of different ones depending on age,area, circumstances etc. They also have a benefit calculator to make sure you're receiving all the help you can. You could potentially get help with your own bills too free up the money or get help for your disabled child which might free up funds. I think there were a few for siblings of disabled children but it's been a while since I looked so not sure what they have now.
I would definitely keep up both as swimming is a vital life skill and taekwondo will be useful for self defence (hopefully she never needs to use it) but it would be a big advantage, especially if it's something she enjoys

Fallingrain · 29/04/2019 22:09

@rainbowbash firstly, I can tell by your posts that you are being hard on yourself. You sound like an awesome Mum to me - juggling finances, work and a disabled child to do the very best for both kids. You might not be able to afford a gazillion extra activities for your daughter but you are teaching her so much - kindness, being caring to others, a positive working role model and a million other things besides. You are definitely not limiting her but providing her with useful skills that will stand her in good stead throughout life.

On a more practical note, I wouldn’t stress about swimming. I never had formal lessons as a child and I caught up later in life (I’ve done several triathlons).

llizzie · 30/04/2019 03:48

Perhaps the child at 8 is a little young at the moment and you could save the money to continue the taekwondo in secondary school? The child would have the basics to practice. My sons did this when teenagers and it proved to be very useful when later one had a motorcycle accident with just one bruise, when he was tossed over the bonnet of a car. He said he had learned how to fall properly from the taekwondo.

Sometimes these hobbies can be very useful.

ittakes2 · 30/04/2019 04:04

Self defence classes are very good for children's confidence -helps them to understand personal barriers - they hold themselves more confidentially.

unicornsandwine · 30/04/2019 04:19

It you were that bothered you'd just pay !

mathanxiety · 30/04/2019 04:40

Don't ask her to choose between swimming or taekwondo.

You have already had the chat about letting Taekwondo go. She knows why. She may feel you want her to choose one particular activity.

Don't put her in a position where she might feel responsible for the family's finances. She may well believe this at the age of 8.

Simply tell her she can drop the swimming and keep at the thing she loves, and that things are better than you thought they were.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/04/2019 04:50

What a stupid comment Hmm

Rainbowbash - I think you've made the right decision to let the swimming go and keep the Tae Kwondo. Your DD will be happier being able to do something she loves, and she may well pick up swimming again later - perhaps one of your better-off friends has children with whom she could go to the swimming pool?

I do hope you look at some of the links people have offered, to see if there is any chance of improving your circumstances - and I hope that there is a way to make things better for all of you. Thanks

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/04/2019 04:50

Bollocks, xposted with math - not talking about your comment, math, talking about unicornandwine's comment!

Torple · 30/04/2019 05:01

Check with the school about more swimming lessons in the future. It’s compulsory (in England) for children to be taught to swim to a certain standard before they leave primary school (it’s on the national curriculum).
It might be they have some in Yr 4 then more in Yr 5 or 6.

mathanxiety · 30/04/2019 05:09

Phew!

Zoflorabore · 30/04/2019 05:47

unicorn

Don't be a tit. Op said she has had a change in circumstances and can't pay,that's why she started the thread.

Are you being deliberately obtuse?

StayingWithAuntySue · 30/04/2019 05:49

Stop the swimming, if she can stay afloat and doggy paddle for a while that’s good enough for now

omione · 30/04/2019 06:12

Why is it DC2 has to suffer ? I am sure if your DC1 is severley disabled you must be getting benefit s for him/her and carers allowance, child benefit (DC2'S share of that would pay her taekwondo fee). Maybe poor DC2 needs something for herself and an outlet for any frustrations she may have.

stayathomer · 30/04/2019 06:16

Well OP, you've the same message over and over e.g. a in, plus a lot who didn't rtft and some bright sparks who think people can pull money out of somewhere, or others that think joining something different is the answer ( I'd assume it's the taekwondo, but also she's probably clicked with people in the class). I hope you find some help financially through this thread via one of the carers suggestions. Best of luck OP

Ferii · 30/04/2019 06:24

I'd keep up the taekwondo since she loves it so much. They can always improve on their swimming without lessons, just take them to the pool yourself in school holidays or weekends. The school will also give them some lessons. Swimming can come later once your finances are better. Its not ideal but seems such a shame to take away the thing she loves when you have an alternative.