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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not let me child continue this hobby?

295 replies

rainbowbash · 28/04/2019 11:18

DC2 is 8 and has been doing taekwondo for 2 years. likes it and is good at it. it's their only out of school activity apart from swimming lessons.

I had a change in circumstances financially (pay cut but that is a whole other thread) and it would really be a massive stretch to keep up the payments (£30 per month).

DC2 learns an instrument (guitar) at school and spends a lot of time playing/practising it at home, does swimming lessons privately(though hates it but I think it's essential. They will only go for 1 term with school in year 4 so unlikely to learn it through school).

Would it really be mean to cancel her taekwondo in these circumstances? Two (well off) friends accused me of being rather cruel. I told DC2 about my plans we had a few tears about it but she is pretty understanding of our limitations. but my friends made me really think.

And looking around my friends all DC seem to be able to do so much outside school (various sports, cheerleading, music lessons, scouts etc). I feel dreadful that I cannot facilitate this.
Not to drip feed - DC1 is severely disabled, I work but only very limited hours and due to DC1's needs it is pretty impossible to change or increase my hours as I have zero access to childcare. So the change work/do more hours responses won't help.

OP posts:
WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 28/04/2019 11:50

Reading your posts, I really feel for you. Are you eligible for a grant from the Family Fund? Perhaps this could be used for respite if there is respite care available? That would free you up to take DD2 swimming. It may also free you up a little bit of time for yourself - I know you will be last in the queue for self care and any small treats, and it's really hard. Thanks

SecretMillionaire · 28/04/2019 11:51

I have two disabled children and 1 NT child at home. My NT child has seen all her extra curricular activities curtailed as I was unavailable to take her because of appointments for her siblings. Whilst she is very accepting and understanding I feel tremendous guilt as there was talk of her competing professionally in that sport. Being a sibling to a disabled child is tough, if you can drop the swimming give your daughter the chance to continue what she loves.

WhenZogateSuperworm · 28/04/2019 11:52

Ditch the swimming and let her keep the hobby she loves. Swimming is important, but if you are unlikely to be spending much time on holiday in a pool or near the sea then it’s not worth her unhappiness.

dizzy174 · 28/04/2019 11:53

is the link to a local organisation in my area.
www.carersoutreach.org.uk
it is a national charity for carers. they will fight anyone on your behalf. princess royal is the patron. I am sure there is one in your area.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 28/04/2019 11:53

I think I would definitely keep the Tae Kwondo though if anyway possible if you can sort the swimming another way. If DD2 enjoys it so much and it's outlet for them, it will benefit them, and there won't be any chance of "resentment" later on - it's difficult having a sibling with disabilities and it's so easy to feel they get all the "attention".

Original poster
rainbowbash · 28/04/2019 11:53

thanks, webuild, we just had something via FF so cannot re-apply yet but honestly, we are doing ok. I am grateful that manage to hold down a job which puts us in a slightly better position than those 100% benefit dependant. And both DC great. They have a strong bond and DC2's understanding is pretty amazing. Her attitude to SN puts most adults to shame!

OP posts:
rodentattack · 28/04/2019 11:54

I sympathise, because my kids do taekwondo too and it is turning out to be a much more expensive hobby than I thought!

I would ask the child which they would rather keep doing. If she is really keen to keep doing it, might there be other options - doing it less frequently, switching to a cheaper TKD organisation, etc?

SkintAsASkintThing · 28/04/2019 11:54

Get your dd into young carers, also ask for a carers assesment from your local carers group. They won't be able to help with respite care but may be able to access a carers grant for you which can be used for activities.

Personally martial art would trump swimming for me. Unless you live very near water (( we live on the coast so instilled swimming from baby aged )) then it's something that can be put off until she's older and wants to. Whereas a martial art will come in useful if she's ever assaulted.

Chottie · 28/04/2019 11:55

I would let DD drop swimming for now too.

Original poster
rainbowbash · 28/04/2019 11:56

secret, that's sounds even harder.

I will have a chat with DC2 later on and let her pick swimming or taekwondo. I know what the answer will be but she will probably be over the moon. Smile

OP posts:
MarvinMarvinson · 28/04/2019 11:57

I would be tempted to keep up the swimming until she gets to a reasonable level and then she can take up the taekwando again. Does your local council do any crash swimming courses? Our local pools do and I found a week of those in the school holidays much better than weekly lessons. They made loads of progress and it cost about the same.

twinsseemedlikeagoodidea · 28/04/2019 11:57

Drop swimming! She can swim well enough for her to have some time off it, and carry on with a sport she really loves.

MarvinMarvinson · 28/04/2019 11:57

Might also be a way of managing both finacially if there's no taekwando in school hols?

sundaybluecoffee · 28/04/2019 11:58

I'd keep the taekwondo as she seems to really enjoy it. £30pm is not actually that hard to shave off non essentials- maybe try cheaper shops for food or try and switch gas/electric? Don't buy non essentials etc.

Swimming isn't an essential, just teach her to stay away from lakes/the sea when you're out and pick up swimming in a few years time. She may enjoy it then.

AnnaMagnani · 28/04/2019 11:58

Get rid of swimming. She isn't learning because they are mega-cheap group lessons where she doesn't really get any tuition.

Go back to it in the future when hopefully you can afford something that will really teach her.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 28/04/2019 11:58

By friends I meant that DD surely has friends at school so if they go swimming just for fun she could go with them?

Bobbiebrows · 28/04/2019 11:59

I think swimming needs to go and stick with taekwondo. Being confident enough in water is enough for now I don’t think the technique of s as important. That can come later. It’s more important to have a hobby you love and to go for two years is good going for kids a lot would’ve given up by now so they’re getting way more from it than swimming.

ShinyMe · 28/04/2019 11:59

Before stopping taekwondo completely, I'd approach the teacher or company and explain, and ask whether there are any bursaries or assistance you could apply for. I'd be very nice about it, and try not to sound in any way entitled, and would be understanding if they said no, but it can't hurt to ask.

Answeringonlyyesorno · 28/04/2019 12:00

Our council pool has a session weekly for disabled people to go to for free. And there family can go along too for 50p. Could you see if your council do the same so that way both DC can to an activity together but also, DC2 keeps her hand in swimming.

lalalonglegs · 28/04/2019 12:00

My children were all very meh swimmers (despite years of lessons) when they got their Y4 swimming lessons. Each one of them improved drastically as it seemed very much about getting them to swim properly rather than "making them more confident in the water" and making it more fun for them. When I think about the money I threw at those private lessons when they just needed a no-nonsense boot camp... Anyway, on the basis of this, I'd say ditch the swimming lessons.

raviolidreaming · 28/04/2019 12:02

It's really crap right now esp for DC2

Then I'm another vote to let her drop swimming and keep taekwondo.

RedSkyLastNight · 28/04/2019 12:03

Agree with others that I would keep the activity that DC enjoys and drop the other.
At 8, DC doesn't need an adult in the pool with her, so perhaps you can organise for them to go with a friend occasionally for practice?

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 28/04/2019 12:03

'I think this swimming is essential think is a bit daft, frankly, unless you live next to some sort of open water or unfenced swimming pools.'

This. I can't swim (at all, not even a few m doggy paddle) and I've got to my early 40s without drowning, despite much time spent in the sea/shallow end of pools with my small dc. My middle one can't swim as such either and is still fine in the water (of appropriate depth).

If things are already hard for her, it's really not a good idea to make her give up a hobby which is also a controlled outlet for frustration.

I'm sorry things are so tough.

ReanimatedSGB · 28/04/2019 12:03

Look, if you have to cut something for economic reasons, cut the thing she dislikes rather than the thing she loves. Otherwise it will feel, to her, as though she is being punished and could lead to resentment.
It;s very important, when you have to make economies, to build in as much pleasure as you can.

Omzlas · 28/04/2019 12:03

I'm in camp Taekwondo too. Let her pick up swimming again in future if she shows an interest. Taekwondo doubles as a self defence tactic so win-win