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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

WIBU to make them sit outside?

808 replies

FissionChips · 28/04/2019 00:11

DH thinks I was.

A couple of weeks ago a parent from the school run turned up unannounced at my door saying she thought our children might like to play and that she fancied a catch-up.
I made them stay outside on the driveway (back garden unusable atm) and brought toys for the children to play with and chairs for us to it on, outside.

DH brought it up tonight, he saw her whilst shopping and she mentioned she felt a bit down after being here.

My argument is that I have told her before that I don’t appreciate visitors and will rarely invite them inside. I provided a drink for her and brought out blankets when the temperature cooled.

WIBU?

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 29/04/2019 17:23

It's Aibu

With which I believe the Op is completely familiar

I'm sure any posts breaking guidelines will be deleted

The whole thread?

No need IMO

MarthasGinYard · 29/04/2019 17:25

The history is there to see though?

Sometimes gives you a better picture and saves time wasting.

SnuggyBuggy · 29/04/2019 17:27

Would having a specific part of the house for guests help? It would be much nicer than sitting on the drive with blankets which most people would find strange.

QueenBeex · 29/04/2019 17:46

No name calling from me op, I do however have a few questions. I'm finding your thread/behaviour rather interesting.

  1. If you don't have these people over, how do they know where you live?
  1. Do you go to other people's homes?
  1. What will happen when your child wants sleepovers or friends round for the day/evening for their birthday for a movie & pass the parcel etc instead of going out?
  1. If it was winter (raining/snowing) then what happens? Do you have a shelter in your back yard? (I'm guessing that's where your guests normally get sent to if they visit)
QueenBeex · 29/04/2019 17:47

People keep mentioning the OP has said things similar to this on her other thread... can someone link it Confused

LilyMumsnet · 29/04/2019 18:07

Hi all

It's not really in the spirit of civil discussion to drag up someone's posting history - can we leave it at that, please?

thaegumathteth · 29/04/2019 18:33

When I was a teenager we spent ALL our time at my friends house where her mum and dad were really kind and welcoming and they knew me much much better than my own parents as a result.

I’m not the most sociable and do like my own space BUT i would never be rude / unkind like you were and I’d also never impose restrictions on my dh and kids. You are being really unfair there and if it isn’t an issue already it absolutely will become one.

WoodenToyKitchen · 29/04/2019 21:45

But @LilyMumsnet , AS exists. Poster should be aware that anyone can look them up when they post.

ShirleyPhallus · 29/04/2019 22:21

Poster should be aware that anyone can look them up when they post.

Yes, but using them as some sort of evidence on other threads is really poor form. Especially when it’s evidence used to put the boot in to a vulnerable poster who has got 800 posts of people telling her she IBU with a good number of those being abusive

Yoursilentface · 29/04/2019 22:27

I don’t like people in my home because it makes me feel out of sorts. I don’t want to have to make small talk with people in my home who are not my child or DH, I don’t like the disruption it causes to my routine. I just don’t see why it’s necessary for her or other people to visit or what’s wrong with refusing them.

But this still applied when you had them on the drive, so why not just let them in, if that truly is your reason.

Or, have you got some Ed Gene style lamps?

Catchingbentcoppers · 29/04/2019 22:46

AS exists. Poster should be aware that anyone can look them up when they post.

Maybe so. Doesn't mean you should bring it up on another thread though. That's not necessary and a crappy thing to do.

WellThisIsShit · 29/04/2019 22:54

Golly the OP has taken a beating on here.

To a great extent I think what you do is your own business. But I do also think that you need to be careful that your unusual attitude and behaviour around your home doesn’t cause issues for your children’s socialisation.

My mother refused to have anyone in the house, garden (or drive!). Nor did she make any effort to facilitate play dates or socialising in any other way. And yes, it made me and my sister social outcasts all the way throughout school, both primary and secondary.

I don’t think you are going to repeat my mothers behaviour, but just be careful, and keep an eye out for if / when your limitations start to impact on your children in ways that can’t get around.

For example, I could never reciprocate play dates, and so any potential friendship just died because they assumed I didn’t like them enough to have them back to my house, or I was not as fun to be friends with as other children whose parents would do fun stuff with their children and friends together. I was just ‘too weird’ & too one- way to bother with.

It made things worse that I felt I had to try and make excuses for my mothers behaviour. Children are terribly loyal. So it wasn’t ‘that child with the mother who is anti-social’, it was ‘that family who are all anti-social’ ... I lacked the words or the courage to ever tell people how bad it really was, living in that way.

I wish I had said ‘my mum is weird and paranoid and freaks out when I try and step foot into the real world. I hate it, please let me be friends anyway, even if I can’t do any of the things normal friends do, its not my fault, I want to, but she won’t let me’... but it’s humiliating, and I had all that misplaced loyalty...

Until late teenage hood all I ever managed to say was ‘I can’t, I’m sorry’ and wait for people to turn away.

Like others have said on this thread, people really don’t seem to ‘get’ how someone can seriously mean this, so they never really believed me when I told people, even when I was older. They didn’t believe me and then when they experienced it, usually her making me carry it out for her, people drew their own (wrong) conclusions.

I still struggle now with friendships, it’s something I never learnt how to do, but I was and am desperate to have.

I should make it clear, it wasn’t just the ‘no one over the threshold’ stuff, it was other stuff too, but this was one of the only outwards signs that something wasn’t right about our family.

So, I don’t want to add to the negativity on this thread, but I do want to say that you need to be careful to manage this, as your children’s needs develop. Flowers

MrMeSeeks · 29/04/2019 23:46

But that's there for anyone to access, I'm not saying I'd have mentioned it but it can be viewed by anyone.
Yes but it doesn’t mean people should post things unrelated onto their threads Hmm

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2019 06:12

This is the second time I've ever seen someone have a message deleted due to posting a comment about thr posters history. To be honest I don't understand why it's not in the forum guidelines if it's going to get you deleted.

I suspect the ops scarpered, maybe name changed,who knows. If I had to guess it I'd say the ops a hoarder. Clearly saying you don't like making small talk or having your routine disrupted, only explains why you don't like visitors, not why you'd entertain on your driveway. The fact rhe husband is mortified and I assume annoyed, is more to do with the fact whatever it is he perceives it as the ops fault and not something he's happy about. The fact the op is pretending that she doesn't understand it's abnormal, when she must.

Op, as said, I hope whatever is causing this, and it could be something totally different, but it is something, you use this experience to understand the extremes of abnormal behaviour it's driving you to and you go and seek help, for you and for your family.

JaneDoe8000 · 30/04/2019 06:23

I fully agree with OP. Who is anyone to turn up at someone's house hoping for an invite in.

And those of you saying OP should have invited in are exactly the kind of people who post on here looking for sympathy saying they're being taken advantage of by people turning up a and expecting hospitality.

What don't people understand about just turning up to people's houses unannounced?

MsTSwift · 30/04/2019 06:34

She probably half hoped for a cup of coffee and quick chat not a 4 course meal or to move in!

It’s nice to get to know your kids friends which you do if they allowed in your house. At my wedding in our home village several popped along - people that have known you since you were born. I know I’ll feel the same about a few of my dds friends you watch them grow up.

SnuggyBuggy · 30/04/2019 06:50

I don't like people who pop in but I'd make some excuse that I didn't have time right now or the house is a tip so let's go to the park or something.

Acis · 30/04/2019 06:53

JaneDoe8000, if you read the thread, most people aren't saying OP should have invited the visitor in, they are saying she should simply have said something along the lines that it wasn't convenient. Going for the option of people sitting in the driveway near the bins with blankets round them till it started to rain was the worst of all possible worlds.

BertrandRussell · 30/04/2019 06:59

“This is the second time I've ever seen someone have a message deleted due to posting a comment about thr posters history. To be honest I don't understand why it's not in the forum guidelines if it's going to get you deleted.”

I thought it was just general internet etiquette not to bring in stuff from other threads? Still not sure why I was deleted for simply saying this whole thread should be deleted to protect rhe OP, though.....

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2019 09:06

Bertrand, I didn't see your post, so not sure, but generally mumsnet lets you know or you can ask them.

I think it's fine to say you can't mention posting history, my point is it should then be in the forum guidelines, I don't think it's on to have an unspoken guideline for people to fall foul of without knowing.

LunafortJest · 30/04/2019 09:08

I think that if past posts correlate to the discussion - as some of the OP's previous posts most certainly do dovetail with this topic, then I think it's relevant. It gives posters more insight/information to go on.

Regardless, OP it's clear you have extreme anti-social behaviour. If you don't want to get help for yourself, I urge you to consider at least getting help for your DC and husband's sake. It is simply not normal to not want to invite anyone in. It is not normal at all. It is very bizarre and unstable and whether you mean for it to or not, it is and will have an impact on your DC and husband. Your husband can't invite mates over even for a couple of beers and watching the footy. Your DC cannot have friends over for a sleepover or playing, or even having a meal at your house. It is simply not normal to live your life not having visitors, and it does impact on personal growth, socialisation and emotional and psychological well-being. They are suffering because of you. Make no mistake about this, they are. You are putting yourself above the needs of your son and the needs of your husband. You need to get a referral to a therapist and get help for their sake. They shouldn't have to suffer and live an abnormal existence just because of you.

ShatnersWig · 30/04/2019 09:21

I think that if past posts correlate to the discussion - as some of the OP's previous posts most certainly do dovetail with this topic, then I think it's relevant. It gives posters more insight/information to go on

Agreed. There is often a big difference in what sort of advice you would give someone who is posting about something for the first time than someone who has posted about it repeatedly for weeks (as happens) in the hope of getting different answers the sixth time of asking about, say, their abusive relationship.

I think it's fine to say you can't mention posting history, my point is it should then be in the forum guidelines, I don't think it's on to have an unspoken guideline for people to fall foul of without knowing

Agreed. Or better still, remove the facility in advance search to search for a poster, only a subject.

DontVisitMe · 30/04/2019 09:29

Why are people assuming the OP is a hoarder? I'm the same and I'm certainly not a hoarder - my house is lovely inside, I just don't want people I haven't invited here in it!

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2019 09:32

The advanced search facility often helps posters identify trolls, which helps mnhq in turn. It's often the posting history where you can see the issue become very apparent. I think if it was removed, the site would be over run by trolls.

Although I think it's fine to say you can't bring previous posts into a discussion, it's mns site and they make the rules, I actually think it's a daft one. If it's pertinent to the discussion what difference does it make. It's there for anyone who cares to look.

Whatever though, if that's the rule, that's the rule, but it should be articulated in the guidelines.

ShatnersWig · 30/04/2019 09:36

@Bluntness Agreed - as much as troll hunting is verboten, it's a very good way to prove someone is a troll or likely PBP and that can only help the site and everyone.