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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

WIBU to make them sit outside?

808 replies

FissionChips · 28/04/2019 00:11

DH thinks I was.

A couple of weeks ago a parent from the school run turned up unannounced at my door saying she thought our children might like to play and that she fancied a catch-up.
I made them stay outside on the driveway (back garden unusable atm) and brought toys for the children to play with and chairs for us to it on, outside.

DH brought it up tonight, he saw her whilst shopping and she mentioned she felt a bit down after being here.

My argument is that I have told her before that I don’t appreciate visitors and will rarely invite them inside. I provided a drink for her and brought out blankets when the temperature cooled.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Tunnockswafer · 28/04/2019 23:15

I think we can each live our lives exactly the way we want to, even if others think that way is wrong. But I think once we choose to have children we have to work on ways to make their lives decent, enjoyable and not cause them unnecessary drama.

YemenRoadYemen · 28/04/2019 23:16

Sofagirl I think looking forward to reading about a stranger’s death in the newspaper is actually a lot weirder than entertaining in the driveway, and that seriously saying something.

We’re all a little too invested in this, but that’s next level.

Sofagirl · 28/04/2019 23:18

I have always read those kind of articles with a lot of pity - no one deserves to die alone in such circumstances

It never occurred to me previously that it could be a result of having pushed everyone away purposefully but you learn something new every day

BackforGood · 28/04/2019 23:18

Exactly Crazycrazy

Newyearnewname2019 · 28/04/2019 23:20

I'm curious. Do you visit other people in their homes?

SpareASquare · 28/04/2019 23:21

I cannot imagine how damaging this is to the children. Sad
And YES, it is damaging for them, don't kid yourself over that.

Does their father protect them or at least counterbalance your illness OP?

TapasForTwo · 28/04/2019 23:22

I don’t want to have to make small talk with people in my home who are not my child or DH, I don’t like the disruption it causes to my routine.

But why does it have to be small talk? I don't just make "small talk" with friends. We talk about things that matter to us, what is happening in the world etc. We don't just talk about the weather. Do you work? Do you never have friends round for dinner?

Your last sentence is very telling and is pretty typical of someone on the autism spectrum.

I feel that you need to try and see if you can expand the boundaries of your comfort zone. Not allowing your husband to have anyone round, or your DC to have friends round will have a negative effect on your relationship with them. I have clearly illustrated this in my previous posts. The BF's mum is upset because her son never wants to come home, but she can't understand that she has driven him away in the first place.

Ginger1982 · 28/04/2019 23:23

Very odd behaviour 🙄

Goldmandra · 28/04/2019 23:23

Nothing the OP has said or done justifies some of the comments on this thread.

OP, I have sent you a PM. If you don't feel able to read it or respond now or at all, please feel free to take your time or just ignore it Flowers

MumUnderTheMoon · 28/04/2019 23:23

@FissionChips there is nothing wrong with refusing visitors, but you didn't do that. You put her in an embarrassing and awkward position. You could have actually refused the visit but it seems a bit like you went out of your way to make her feel awkward so she wouldn't try it again. I also struggle to have people in my home, it is uncomfortable and exhausting but it is also a part of life. A lot of people on here have been very blunt and some have been a unkind but it isn't typical behaviour to refuse visitors completely and at some point this may well impact your dc so you may have to address the issue in the future. As to your original question YWBVU.

Sofagirl · 28/04/2019 23:24

@fissionchips I would like to know if my posts have offended you or if you think they are fair comments?

Would be an interesting test to gauge your emotional barometer

JessieMcJessie · 28/04/2019 23:27

I have no idea how I could’ve made it any clearer to her about how I feel about visitors.

By telling her when she came round that your DC wasn’t available to play because she hadn’t checked in advance. Then waving her off. Not bringing out a chair so you could sit together on the drive!

PanBasher · 28/04/2019 23:28

I don't think i've ever read anything as mind boggling as making your visitors sit outside on a driveway as they shiver under a blanket!
Did she pull a pack of rizla from her tracksuit and proceed to make a rollie while offering cans of special brew? That's the image that the scenario is presenting.
Why couldn't they enter your home OP? It's not as though your husband was nailing his balls to the coffee table at the time.
I love visitors, more so if they bring cake.
What would you have done if she had asked to use your loo OP? Dashed out with a bucket?
BTW, did she repay the graciously bestowed 60p?

Goldmandra · 28/04/2019 23:28

Would be an interesting test to gauge your emotional barometer

Do you pull the wings off butterflies too?

Seriously. You need to stop.

PCohle · 28/04/2019 23:29

I really hope the OP doesn't read your cruel, repugnant comments Sofa. People like you are the reason MN desperately needs better overnight moderation.

JessieMcJessie · 28/04/2019 23:31

I am amused that you have her 60p once. I really hope that she needed small change, or that you had literally only 60p on you, because most people would offer up a quid if asked for 60p!

Sofagirl · 28/04/2019 23:33

@goldmandra

It’s a valid question. If OP is autistic or has a different social gauge then I’d like to understand

No I don’t pull wings off Butterflies. They are God’s creatures and spread joy and delight.

You have no right to silence me or anyone on this thread so please come off your high horse and lose the dictatorial tone - it’s not doing you any favours

I haven’t directly insulted the OP or called her batshit crazy as others have done

Goldmandra · 28/04/2019 23:35

@sofagirl, your posts are vile and a lot worse than calling anyone batshit crazy.

I was hoping you'd have the decency to silence yourself.

Sofagirl · 28/04/2019 23:37

@pchole I take your comments on board

Apologies to all if they came across as cruel

I will blame my macabre sense of .... well whatever

Ho hum Confused

saraclara · 28/04/2019 23:37

The 60p incident reasoning is also indicative of a very ordered mind, and someone who felt they could 'tick a box' as having done a correct social thing. Most people wouldn't even give it another thought.

I've spent most of my career in Autism and SCDs. I think it would help you and your relationships, to get some information and help, OP. No-one's will try to change who you are, but you might be helped to manage situations and keep your relationships healthy.

PCohle · 28/04/2019 23:42

They didn't "come across" as cruel they were cruel sofagirl.

You come out of this thread much much worse than the OP.

IvanaPee · 28/04/2019 23:42

@Sofagirl if anyone needs psychiatric help on this thread it’s you.

You have to be fucked up to say the things you’ve said. Gauge the OP’s emotional barometre??? Look closer to home for an interesting case study.

Some of you need to step the fuck back.

The mob mentality is getting a bit hard to stomach.

AlexaAmbidextra · 28/04/2019 23:46

OP, I have sent you a PM.

But did you pre-arrange this with her? Otherwise it will be a huge intrusion.

cornish009 · 28/04/2019 23:50

I feel so sorry for your child who is (or soon will be) missing out a great deal. With four children of my own and numerous foster children over the years, I can say without exception they all enjoy bringing a friend home for tea/to play/sleepovers. It is the act of bringing someone into THEIR home, showing THEIR toys and games, that means a lot to them. Two of my sons have autism and do feel their space is invaded at times, however even they loved having people around to play computer games with (an activity they feel safe doing). One of my current foster children never invited any school friends home, and I understood that. But now, finally, after six years, she wants to and that says to me how she is finally feeling settled with us.

When my children were teenagers I was used to comings and goings, and would actually far rather have a houseful that wondering where my child was. I remember fondly revision sessions where although not a lot of work was done, I enjoyed so much chatting with their friends over a cup of tea and a biscuit. I know my children also enjoyed going into homes where the parents were welcoming. Though I have never known a teenager be restricted to one room - they always found their way into the kitchen (fridge) at some point, or the room with the biggest television.

Your thread has made me feel how sad any of my children would have been without friends to visit, without those rights of passage towards adulthood as they learnt to be sociable.....yes even the ones with autism have to learn societies norms (even though they never quite understand it).

So although I know you do not see a problem with your actions, at some point your child will, and so do you not think it worth getting some help so that she is not missing out? I wish you well.

PerspicaciaTick · 28/04/2019 23:56

I am fascinated by this thread.
How does a new acquaintance change status from "random" to "friend" (and in the case of the OPs DH on to "lover" and "husband")?
How are new family members integrated into the set-up e.g. how will a SIL or DIL get to the stage where they will be allowed into the same bit of the house as the OP?
Or am I making assumptions and the OP is absolutely serious in saying that everyone who is not OP, DH or DC is banned from the house.