To be aware this is going to kill me but seemingly be unable to stop

[fatfatfat]

I am really overweight. Historically this has never been the case. I was a skinny teenager and I used to have dinner ladies trying to fatten me up.

I had a pretty major trauma when I was 18 and I developed an eating disorder, which seems SO ironic now. In some ways it never really went away, although once I started FT work I did have to eat a bit more just to not draw adverse attention to myself. I remained quite underweight though.

The problem is, the last three years or so have been immensely stressful and my weight has ballooned. I had to get to a healthy weight in order to start a procedure and I was 9 and a half stone in 2013. I remember DH saying he thought that was a good weight for me. But then it just ballooned out of control.

Eating (and drinking) has become the thing I do, it's my absolute favourite. And obviously the more weight I've put on the worse it's got. None of my clothes fit. I don't go to places. I don't see people. I won't have my photo taken. All in all I am miserable as fuck ... so why the fuck can't I stop eating!?

DH, my own sister, MIL and a couple of friends have in various ways pulled me up on it, some gently and some not so. I've been reminded of the effect on my own children, that diabetes and a premature death may be the end result. But it also impacts on all our lives in a thousand different ways. DD was desperate for me to ride a horse alongside her but I wouldn't (I knew the owner would ask me how much I weighed and I wouldn't say and also didn't want the poor creature to collapse.) I won't go swimming with my children. Last weekend DD wanted me to go on a ride with her - it was only a carousel thing (she is 3) but it was one of those carriages you sit in and I knew I would struggle to get my fat arse in it! I barely see my friends. I pull out of social occasions because - honestly - I just can't find clothes.

I don't know why I am posting. Well, I want to start Monday. Again. But I'm so miserable.

Do you ever watch My 600 lb life? Or Shut-Ins?

I've never heard of either but I can guess the sort of programmes you mean. To be totally honest and NOT wanting to sound like a wanker but I do find them a bit triggering. I used to obsessively watch supersize vs superskinny.

You can lose weight. It is completely possible. Not quickly, but you can do it and get back to the size you were and stay that way.

You need to get some counselling for the underlying trauma. I hope you can start soon - and start to Feel better.

Poor you, this must be so hard. You mention that you 'had' an eating disorder, but it sounds like you still do have an eating disorder.

You really do need professional help, especially given your past history of underweight - just going to a slimming club (as well as generally not a healthy tactic for most people) could risk you going back to limiting behaviours.

Gp is a good start point, though NHS resources in this area are stretched. Before going do consider whether you might be depressed or anxious as well and if this is triggering it. Also look into any private insurance or extra funds you might have, if you can afford it it would be well worth getting private help so you can get the right support much more quickly.

Have you read Brain Over Binge? It really clicks with some people.

My sympathies OP and it's brave of you to talk about it at all. It sounds like you need support as you seem to become almost obsessive with things based on what I've seen of eating disorders.
I'm no expert but it sounds like you need support from a GP. Could they refer you to someone to help your relationship with food? You may need some sort of counselling alongside trying to eat healthily etc so that you don't slip back into the old eating disorder too.
I've seen good results with slimming world as you can still eat good sized meals etc so don't feel you're missing out on food, and I think if you want to join you can online (but don't quote me on that!) Or just follow the ideas but at home until you're happy to go to a group maybe.

You've crossed the hardest bridge which is realising you have an unhealthy relationship with food so that's the first step. Good luck to you. I'm sure you will do brilliantly and someone will be along with more useful advice soon!

Thanks for being nice - I thought I'd get flamed!

I don't know about the GP. I've never had any treatment at all. I just had a horrible event and for a few weeks after that I barely ate a thing (not part of the eating disorder, just in shock) and I didn't really properly start again ... then when I started work I obviously couldn't carry on like that because I used to faint a lot and I needed a certain amount of strength to function. I probably still wasn't eating enough but it was enough to keep me out of any real danger. So there's nothing on my records and I doubt I'd get any help. I know I don't want counselling in any case.

I think you need to get support to deal with the trauma that initiated the original eating disorder as it’s possible that’s the root to what’s happening now.

I am also overweight and need to lose weight (I have a surgery coming up which makes it doubly important) and can sympathise at how hard it is to motivate yourself to stop overeating, but it can be done, the first 2-3 days of cutting down are the hardest. Initially i recommend swapping out all junk foods for healthy alternatives, so you’re not eating less often, but you’re eating quality / nutritious items instead of junk. Every time you get a craving you eat something ‘good’ and after a few days the junk cravings do reduce and by about day 4 I find that I then naturally start to feel less hungry and crave less overall.

Recommend using an app like MyFitnessPal to track everything you eat and drink.

Do you do any exercise? I am about to start doing a little cardio workout (at home) each day, starting with just 3 mins exercise, adding 30s to 1m every few days.

It was twenty years ago though ... I am over it now. It's just it was the starting point if you follow me.

I don't do any formal exercise but I have toddlers and a bike. I really struggle though. DH keeps wanting to go for bike rides but I can't cope with hills.

What is your current weight / BMI? Because although you say you have ballooned you don't say what to and although you say that family and friends have commented, do they unhealthy relationships with food / ED themselves?

Dear OP it sounds like your eating has been disordered for a long time. That must be exhausting. Agree with Stuckforthefourthtime that some sort of crash diet could be disastrous.

I know you don’t want to be overweight but it sounds like you are really punishing yourself. I just wondered if that’s the best basis for trying to move forward? Would being kind to yourself be any better? I’m sure you are a lovely, decent person whatever your weight. Self hatred seems like a terrible motivation. And “helpful” feedback from others (MIL even - crumbs, she’s ummmm brave) isn’t actually that helpful particularly to your mental health.

I read First Bite by Bee Wilson and that was very interesting to think about how people behave around food and how that can become disordered. It’s not a diet book, quite brainy, might be of interest.

One other thought - you mentioned the last few years have been stressful. Is there something others could do to help reduce the stress, and make life a little easier?

to you OP. You sound really fed up.

Why don’t you want counselling, OP?

OP I can totally sympathise, there's so much psychology behind eating that goes deep into our issues. Agree with PP that your trauma needs attention, can you reach out to your GP?

Also, I wonder if you're as big as you think you are or if it feels worse to you. What does your BMI say?

How much help have you had for the trauma when you were 18 and then the more recent stress? Is it worth seeing if you could get some more help? Often these things rear their heads again later on in life and it may be something that should be revisited.

And please don't be hard on yourself - overeating is an addiction in the same way that smoking is, and just as hard to quit. But it's possible.

BMI is 38.8 - I am just over 15 stone.

My family and friends don't have any problems with eating. Honestly, as upsetting as it was to hear it, I can't fault their intentions, it was said with love and worry. I'm worried too!

I'm just not a "counselling" person! Plus I don't honestly know when I'd fit it in!

Do you mean you watched supersized vs. superskinny & it made you want to be anorexic to avoid being like the fat person? I admit I feel mildly like that when I watch 600 lb life. Puts me off food alright.

The ppl on 600 lb life talk a lot about social isolation & no clothes fitting. I suppose it's a mutually common set of problems for the anorexics & the morbidly obese.

You keep saying your over your eating disorder, but what is happening with your body suggests you are not. It's fairly common for recovering anorexics to start binge eating, it's still part of an eating disorder. It also has its own challenges for treatment, as dieting can end up triggering the restrictive behaviours again.

You will definitely qualify for help, it doesn't matter if there's nothing on your records
Not all counselling is about trauma, you can do CBT which is nothing to do with your past. Please do speak with your GP. They are there to help with medical issues, and this is a potentially life threatening one.

Sometimes trout but also sometimes it used to make me want to binge eat on shit! Probably wasn't the intended purpose!

It did come up struck when I went to the GP for DD, they made me get on the scales and were "you're rather overweight, aren't you?" (you don't say!) "would you like some support?" It's just diet programmes which I don't want.

So many people think eating disorder = anorexia/skinny but that’s not the case at all, there’s a whole spectrum of disorders and it’s not at all unusual to move from one to another like you. Nor is it at all unusual for trauma to trigger them. So you are not weird!

Food seems like your ‘thing’ but it can’t give you what you are hoping for (could be comfort, joy, distraction). Food can give us these things, it is, and should be, a source of celebration and pleasure. But it can’t be the only source of these things in life. You need a therapist or coach that specialises in eating disorders (or simply disordered eating) who can help you deal with the trauma and alongside, find/remember what else makes you feel alive and like you. A diet IS NOT the answer.

Check out the Binge eating disorders thread on here, I don’t know if they are currently active but you may find reading old ones helpful and there are links to some great books/websites etc.

Look at the Institute for the Psychology of Eating, loads of free resources there.

Check out Isabel Foxen Duke.

I think a certain amount of swinging between overweight and underweight is all part of the process of recovery from an EO OP. And I think it will be hard to continue the process of recovery without some support. To think you can cure yourself on your own is to deny the fact that an eating disorder is a serious mental illness.

The problem is finding the right help. A lot of GPs are inexperienced in working with EO , my daughter was assigned a GP who had never encountered anyone with anorexia before. Luckily by that time she was already being treated by a specialist unit so was getting the help she needed but it meant that her GP checkups involved her explaining the illness and the treatment to the well meaning but uninformed doctor.

I agree that you shouldn’t watch tv shows about other people with eating issues, you don’t want to start comparing yourself and getting competitive or conversely, lulling yourself into a false sense of security because you ‘aren’t as bad’ as the people you see on screen.

If you haven’t already done it have a look at the BEAT website. It might be helpful.

And as PP have said, well done on realising you have a problem. It really is the first step on the road to recovery.

I'm similarly struggling with my weight. I have just started weight watchers, as my BMI qualifies me for 12 free sessions. Perhaps see if your LA offers the same? I'm using this as springboard and am also exercising several times with a friend in the gym. Having someone go with me is definitely helping my motivation. 4 weeks in 9 pounds down. Need to lose 4 stone over all. The fact that I have a 12 week 'limit' (obviously I could pay once the free sessions stop) is quite focussing me to stick at it. Plus the LA want to know 6 months on what you weigh so that is also embarrassing me into trying harder! Good luck.

You may be able to do online counselling, would that be an option? You still have an eating disorder - it's just gone the other way now, although the trauma doesn't bother you now this is still where the deep rooted problem is.

Thanks! Yeah, I had to tell DH to turn off Supersize Me on Netflix a few weeks ago. We had a real argument about it because he was laughing and he only turned it off when I ended up screaming at him. No one has had a Macdonalds since

I actually think Brain over binge would really help you - both the book and the podcast are excellent. The disordered eating may have been triggered by your traumatic event but it’s within your control to stop it - the book and podcast will give the tools to stop. It’s really helped me.

I totally understand where you are coming from and how ridiculous it sounds to know that you need to lose weight. To know that you need to lose weight, but to continue overeating everyday. I have been on soooo many diets over the years and just got fatter and fatter. I honestly didn't even realise how heavy I was. 17st! At the beginning of this year I knew I had to do something and I have. I did a few weeks on Cambridge diet just to get me started and to lose a bit of weight quickly to spur me on. I now mostly do Fast 800 by Michael Moseley and low carb. I have lost 21lbs so far and feel so much better. But the thing I have done differently this time and I believe the thing that is making the difference is keeping a journal. Everyday, I write down how i feel and why I am trying to lose weight. It has honestly made so much difference and so far I am still completely committed to losing more weight. It may not work for you, but give it a go. Just getting it down on paper seems to help a lot. Good luck. I know how miserable life can be when you're obese. The prejudice out there has to be experienced to be believed.