To be aware this is going to kill me but seemingly be unable to stop

[fatfatfat]

I am really overweight. Historically this has never been the case. I was a skinny teenager and I used to have dinner ladies trying to fatten me up.

I had a pretty major trauma when I was 18 and I developed an eating disorder, which seems SO ironic now. In some ways it never really went away, although once I started FT work I did have to eat a bit more just to not draw adverse attention to myself. I remained quite underweight though.

The problem is, the last three years or so have been immensely stressful and my weight has ballooned. I had to get to a healthy weight in order to start a procedure and I was 9 and a half stone in 2013. I remember DH saying he thought that was a good weight for me. But then it just ballooned out of control.

Eating (and drinking) has become the thing I do, it's my absolute favourite. And obviously the more weight I've put on the worse it's got. None of my clothes fit. I don't go to places. I don't see people. I won't have my photo taken. All in all I am miserable as fuck ... so why the fuck can't I stop eating!?

DH, my own sister, MIL and a couple of friends have in various ways pulled me up on it, some gently and some not so. I've been reminded of the effect on my own children, that diabetes and a premature death may be the end result. But it also impacts on all our lives in a thousand different ways. DD was desperate for me to ride a horse alongside her but I wouldn't (I knew the owner would ask me how much I weighed and I wouldn't say and also didn't want the poor creature to collapse.) I won't go swimming with my children. Last weekend DD wanted me to go on a ride with her - it was only a carousel thing (she is 3) but it was one of those carriages you sit in and I knew I would struggle to get my fat arse in it! I barely see my friends. I pull out of social occasions because - honestly - I just can't find clothes.

I don't know why I am posting. Well, I want to start Monday. Again. But I'm so miserable.

It would have been fair enough if I'd been begging for a ride on your horse but hardly!

OP it's really hard to work out what you actually want.
Counselling: there are reams if scientific papers that will show you that talking therapies have a real and beneficial effects. It's not a "placebo". It doesn't work for everyone, but it does work
Cost - you can self refer to the NHS talking therapies services (IAPT). Costs nothing.
Time: net-based and telephone services are available.
CBT: this is what you'll usually be offered initially. It's very practical, and looks at identifying why you have the thoughts that you do about certain things, ie food, and how to reframe this.
Dieting: you've said yourself you have disordered eating. Meal replacements will not address this. You need to learn how to eat healthily again. That's not by drinking a milkshake.
Slimming World etc: these can be done online, don't cost too much, and can really help you reset your eating and start making better choices.
How do YOU want to do it, OP? Ultimately it's down to you. You've come on here for advice, but you don't seem willing to try any of the ideas people have given. I'm confused.

The thing is OP, you may find some talking therapies helpful or unhelpful but you haven't tried them and you are being very black and white in your thinking, and lumping them all into one bucket before deciding it's definitely a load of bollocks. If you're exhibiting black and white thinking and being defensive rather than open about that, then I can imagine you're doing that about other things including your body, your approach to food (all or nothing) and your approach to getting well.

People are frustrated with you because they care, they feel for you in your situation and want to help you. You are turning down most options which makes people throw their hands up and say 'well what did you want us to suggest then!?' and get cross. But they are just trying to help, not having a pop at you.

I can feel how fed up and defeated you are as it comes through your post. I think if you could separate out CBT from the rest of talking therapies which are more invasive and talk a lot about feelings it could really help you. CBT doesn't probe into your past, it just helps to address unhealthy patterns in your present thinking. And you absolutely can access therapy by phone if you don't want to drag the family out the house again or get on a bus.

I hope you find some solutions you find helpful. Best of luck to you.

And a counsellor should never claim to "solve all your problems". That's not how it works. Calling talking therapies despicable is rather bizarre.

OP. You identified you weight was:

1. the direct result of mental health
2. seriously impacting your and DCs life

What acceptable, non-despicable, non-taking-advantage solutions do you think are available for 1) ?

And why do you think you are reacting so strongly here?

Can you incorporate exercise into family socialising time? It sounds like you have a support family. Instead of meeting for a coffee have a brisk walk? Go to an exercise class together? Find activities in your area

Oh OK....rant away then,
I don't understand why you're being so defensive.
Do what you like. People are just trying to respond to you.
Good Luck .

Op 15 stone isn't that bad. Have you tried slimming world ?! Don't do anything drastic as it's too hard to stick too !

For me I did the following and steadily lost weight. Got sweeteners instead of sugar for my tea and had 3 teas a day (previously 12!) , drunk lots of water, slimming world (didn't go to groups but used their recipes) and got a dog. Obviously don't get a dog if you aren't in a position to care for one or don't want one but I walk about 5 miles a day, I hated the gym! Also try and find something to do with your hands and keep your mind focussed as most of my eating was boredom I use colouring in books.

Look OP, I don't know you.

In your OP you said you were very unhappy about being over weight, that youd had a major trauma that had lead to an ED.

That your dd had wanted you to ride but you didn't feel able to because of your weight.

You don't want counselling, fine. But you can't blame people for suggesting it.

And other posters have suggested you can ride anyway at 15 stone, I am pointing out that you'd be unlikely to find anywhere that you could ride at that weight.

So if you don't care about the riding and it was just a poor woe is me story and you don't want counselling as it's a placebo and a money spinner, then just eat less and move more. That usually does it

woodcutbirds I just wanted to say that I found your post really helpful and positive. I am on a weight loss journey myself. Thank you!

whyohwhyowhydididoit oh my thats fantastic.and such a relief(mostly) for you haing her still her and fighting at least now.
i know it so hard.for you and her.and your both contantly living in your own fears of triggers and relapses and how to keep going with eacohter and for yourselves.its the hardest battle on earth.but sound to me like she has the best supporter in you and you in her.what a team!
just keep going.the further she gets from it.the more life she sees the more light and fingers and toes crossed there is to it being further away from trapping her back in again.and then when things in life go wrong as they do she can find other ways to let it out other than the ed tricking her to step back inside its lair.
and i believe that with love you always win.becasue the ed doesnt stand a chance against that.

Why do you keep saying talking therapy is a money spinner? It is that, if you pay privately. It doesn’t have to be, as quite a few of us have said. You can access it through the NHS, there’s just a long waiting list.

Or, if you go through MIND, they don’t charge, it’s donation based.

It’s not all talking therapy, either. EMDR is very effective in dealing with the actual trauma, by reaching the right side of the brain where the traumatic memories are stored.

Please don’t dismiss what people are saying here. A lot of us have benefitted from these therapies and are able to answer preconceptions about therapy. (Like being expensive, which it doesn’t have to be.)

I wonder why you're so antagonistic to counselling? You can decide it's not for you, but unless you can point to extensive peer-reviewed research on it that proves it's a placebo your depiction of it as such looks almost as if you're frightened of it. Certainly with that attitude it's highly unlikely to work for you, in which case you have a fairly simple choice: use tried and tested methods to lose weight and exercise more, or accept yourself as you are.

Losing weight does not require books or meal replacement or experts or apps, though some may help. It requires a lot of motivation and commitment, and that can be tough to come by.

At your weight, you can just begin eating sensibly and doing light exercise, and you will see results. Just eat 3 good meals, don't drink your calories and no snacking.

Go for a half hour walk at first and increase from there. Maybe you can incorporate exercise into your commute? Eventually you will be ready for those bike rides!

Honestly I think if you start down a sustainable path, you will see some results and be really pleased with some success! That makes sticking with it easier.

Wow! Fair enough that YOU feel counselling isn’t for you. But to make some sort of blanket statement that counselling is a placebo and comparing it to a cult is actually really fucking rude and actually complete bollocks, as proven many, many times over by hundreds and thousands of research studies.
OP I felt sorry for you and came on here to offer support and a handhold but actually your attitude sucks.

The only thing I am resisting is therapy/counselling (or "councilling" grin) it doesn't work and it is expensive.

It does work.
It can be accessed via the NHS.

Your relationship to food and your addiction to eating is a symptom of a deeper problem, not a cause. Restrictive diets and Meal replacement schemes are expensive, put your metabolism into starvation mode, the weight loss stops and eventually you put the weight back on when you go back to eating “normally” - which you will do until you address the emotional aspects via counselling, EMDR and other talking therapy.

If you only treat the symptom without ever addressing the cause then nothing will change. It’s up to you; do you want to feel like this forever?
If so, crack on.

If not, be brave, take responsibility for your own wellbeing and speak to your GP about seeing a therapist on the NHS.

Re riding, I loved it as a young person. But it’s something I know I can’t do now, because of weight and lack of fitness. You can’t climb onto the horse if you’re not fit! And then you have to be fit to be able to do the actual riding.

Could your DH take her? Or is there a friend who might take her? There are of course riding stables where you can pay for lessons, but they’re expensive.

Sorry for the massive last post

I was trying to get across that I completely understand the feeling of not being able to do stuff because of weight, but that if you look at things rationally, you can do stuff or at least most of it , I mean I am not going to be hanging off a trapeze or running the London marathon anytime soon but I can still swim in the sea on holiday iyswim.

OP, I think more people than you realise feel the same xx
no advice (I'm sure you'll get plenty from other posters ) - apart from - be kind to yourself xx

Hello OP, I'm currently in the process of trying to lose 10 stone. I have lost 2 and a half so far. I started at the beginning of the year, it's slow going but I'm trying to do this properly and to keep it off in the long term so as long as it's coming off, that's a win in my mind. I can see from your previous posts that you feel counselling etc is not for you and that is fair enough. You seem to recognise that there is an issue and where you feel it comes from which is a positive. I can also tell from your posts that you want to make a change.

I'm not doing slimming world or weight watchers etc, I'm not doing 'a diet', for me it has had to be a complete and permanent lifestyle change. I am trying to change my relationship with food into a positive one rather than a negative one. I'm having to teach myself that food is fuel, not comfort.

I eat somewhere around 1600 calories a day currently (mostly I'm under that goal) that I track with MyFitnessPal. I eat well, lots of vegetables, chicken as my main protein, carbs in moderation. I try not to keep chocolate/biscuits/cake in the house as I can't be trusted near them and have replaced them with alternatives such as nakd bars (made mostly of dates) if I feel the need for something sweet. Denial and deprivation doesn't work well for me so I have one day a week where I allow myself a treat. The only thing that is absolutely forbidden is fizzy drinks. I only drink water. I've never been a fan of hot drinks.

I'm working on exercise, mostly I walk, we have a dog so that helps. I do hope to get an exercise bike in the future. Maybe even join a gym. I don't think I'll be doing couch to 5k anytime soon but I do want to be more active.

I hope you are able to make positive changes in a way that works for you. Good luck.

Whether the NHS or an individual is paying, someone is getting paid.

You don't agree with me, fine, but I was asked why counselling was not for me and I have answered.

It has been a really helpful thread, and I don't want the good posts to be lost amidst "get counselling" which - I don't know how many times I can say in different ways - I don't want! Or CBT, or whatever it is called. I'm sorry but I don't!

I dont think you are over it, just because it was a long time doesn’t mean it’s gone away, it’s just buried deep, and is causing you problems now.
As others have said, get some counselling.
Sending you hugs. Xx

Oo and I love @woodcut 's advice - I love the idea of adding in things!

Recognising you have a problem with your physical and mental health are good, but recognising that you need serious help is the most important thing.

I had bulimia for seven years, I was well aware that it was destroying my physical health and making my mental health worse, but I didn’t really care and I didn’t think I would be able to stop anyway, so I didn’t see any point in doing anything about it.

I ended up with a BMI of 17, and everything was just out of control. I ended up being physically dragged to A&E by my best mate and boyfriend, that action probably saved my life, but at the time I absolutely hated them for it and I was incredibly defensive if anyone suggested therapy, medication or support groups.

I would always make excuses as to why help was pointless, it doesn’t work, I don’t have time, I’m in control of my problem etc. When in reality medication helped hugely (and I’m still medicated), but what ultimately stopped my active bulimia was therapy.

My bulimia ended when I was 28, and I have only had a few very minor replapses, I now fully accept (and understand) what my feelings of inadequacy etc stem from and I have the mental resilience to deal with it now, rather than purging every single day. Purging was comforting, just like overeating can be, now the idea of pleasure or satisfaction from purging just isn’t there.

Anyone can help themselves and make changes, but people make excuses as a reason not to bother. They get defensive as they realise they’re wrong.

Whether the NHS or an individual is paying, someone is getting paid.

Er - yes. Just like any job. This is just an excuse, isn’t it. How come Meal replacement schemes are not “moneyspinners” or charlatans but a qualified Psychologist is?