To be aware this is going to kill me but seemingly be unable to stop

[fatfatfat]

I am really overweight. Historically this has never been the case. I was a skinny teenager and I used to have dinner ladies trying to fatten me up.

I had a pretty major trauma when I was 18 and I developed an eating disorder, which seems SO ironic now. In some ways it never really went away, although once I started FT work I did have to eat a bit more just to not draw adverse attention to myself. I remained quite underweight though.

The problem is, the last three years or so have been immensely stressful and my weight has ballooned. I had to get to a healthy weight in order to start a procedure and I was 9 and a half stone in 2013. I remember DH saying he thought that was a good weight for me. But then it just ballooned out of control.

Eating (and drinking) has become the thing I do, it's my absolute favourite. And obviously the more weight I've put on the worse it's got. None of my clothes fit. I don't go to places. I don't see people. I won't have my photo taken. All in all I am miserable as fuck ... so why the fuck can't I stop eating!?

DH, my own sister, MIL and a couple of friends have in various ways pulled me up on it, some gently and some not so. I've been reminded of the effect on my own children, that diabetes and a premature death may be the end result. But it also impacts on all our lives in a thousand different ways. DD was desperate for me to ride a horse alongside her but I wouldn't (I knew the owner would ask me how much I weighed and I wouldn't say and also didn't want the poor creature to collapse.) I won't go swimming with my children. Last weekend DD wanted me to go on a ride with her - it was only a carousel thing (she is 3) but it was one of those carriages you sit in and I knew I would struggle to get my fat arse in it! I barely see my friends. I pull out of social occasions because - honestly - I just can't find clothes.

I don't know why I am posting. Well, I want to start Monday. Again. But I'm so miserable.

You sound like you still have an eating disorder OP. You also sound like you’re making lots of excuses.
The only one who can change your weight is you. It will be hard. You will have to make lifestyle changes and you will probably always crave food. It will be difficult to do alone. Your first point of call is your gp.
You have to treat this as an illness you need to get better from and therefore make changes and sacrifices necessary. Better you make time to see a councillor now than you end up with serious complications later down the line from diabetes, etc.

I totally agree i am the one who needs to make changes. I just dont' honestly believe that it starts with my GP.

You sound so tired OP

Your eating is disordered, you know that.

I wouldn't start logging everything but I think I would try and eat three meals a day with just fruit or raw veggies in between. Tea and milk is fine. Stop the obvious junk and limit alcohol. I'd say you would definitely benefit from counselling particularly as you are so resistant to it!

No, there aren’t extra hours or more money. You have to decide to tell your work you need time off for counselling and you need to cut things out to pay for it.

That is a sacrifice you will need to make. This is about prioritising and seeing the reality of the situation. You are severely overweight and it is life-limiting to you and to your child. To fix that, you will need to make a lot of different types of sacrifice and cutbacks. Stop breezing over it.

(Sorry to be harsh - but did you really think it would be easy?)

I didn’t think I was a counselling person either. I’d experienced some childhood trauma followed by a chain of difficult events and relationships. But, you know, I WAS FINE with it and carried on being FINE for the next 30 + years. Because I didn’t need counselling. Except of course I was very far from fine...

Eventually, I hit a wall where I stopped coping and fell apart. It was counselling that helped my to put myself back together. It was counselling that helped me to understand that what had happened to me as a child wasn’t my fault. I don’t mean intellectually, I mean to actually believe deep down that I wasn’t to blame.

And it was counselling that helped me to change my thinking patterns and thus my behaviour. I only wish I had sought help sooner. I wasted too many years being unhappy.

Your statement that you “are not a counselling person” sounds so much like the sort of thing I would have said once. But I was so so wrong.

But you deserve to be happy, you deserve to enjoy your Daughter and your Husband, you deserve to be the you you want to be. Please look into counselling again.

I totally get how hard it is and it is so easy to spiral downwards yet so hard to claw our way back up! Why do bad habits seem so much easier to pick up than the good ones???

It may be worth investigating if there is a phone-in counselling option negating the need for travel?
When it feels overwhelming and you want to do something to distract yourself from eating have a list of things you enjoy doing to choose from so you're not having to think on the spot. You can also call Samaritans (116 123 - freephone) to help you over the hurdle.

Have you managed to identify what foods you find difficult to resist? If there are trigger times of the day? How much does your general mood affect your food choices? Is it comfort/stress/bored eating? Do you do what I call ('coz I do it sometimes) defiance eating - knowing it's wrong but carrying on anyway because somehow I've justified it but, truthfully, there is no justification?

How would you feel about writing a food diary for 2-3 weeks to help you see of there are any patterns? Might be worth adding in if there were any emotions attached to the food choices.

You definitely need counselling, ideally from someone who specialises in eating disorders. Good luck op.

Well, the thread started off helpfully but it's just not helpful now, sorry. So thank you for the good advice, and I really do mean that.

@Fatfatfat

Look at the website BEAT.

BEAT

It's for people with eating disorders.
There is advice there and they have a helpline .

It's free.

Call them.

Today.

Start your new life today.

No reason to wait till Monday.

Look at Paul McKenna’s I can make you thin book. It’s basically mindful eating.

Start today OP, download MFP and start tracking what you eat. Ignore it when it tells you to eat 1200 because that's crap and really bloody hard to stick to. If you're eating 3000 Cal's a day, try sticking to 2000 instead.

I know nothing about EA or counseling so not going to comment on that. Good luck OP.

And - sorry- but the fact that people are suggesting looking at your emotions behind this and you seeming to dismiss that and get a bit huffy shows you are defensive and it's hit a nerve.

Help is there- but you have to own your problem.

So thank you for the good advice, and I really do mean that

No you don't. It's making you feel incredibly uncomfortable. Theres a reason for that.

I can't remember all you said but you said you wanted to horse ride for your daughter, you wanted to bike to please DH and DCs. Where are you in this.
With small DCs it is their happiness that counts and DMs can too easily forget about themselves. You are still young you have decades ahead of you. What are you going to do with all those years, career, hobbies, skills, adventures? Or is it still going to be about stress and anger over food.
You need to get started on the new you.

If you go to the BEAT site, on the top of the menu tab (left ) there is a drop-down to different types of eating disorders.

Might be worth using that as a start to see why you are eating and drinking as you do.

From my experience being very similar to yours, this might be an emotional reaction. Google Wellness Seeker. She is an amazing counsellor who runs weekly over web sessions tackling ending emotional eating problems. I've been doing her programme for 6 months or so and feel so much more in control. Good luck o. P.

I'm honestly not getting huffy.

But I know help is not there. I know it has to come from me. But people repeatedly implying I am lazy just does annoy me, and make me feel bad tbh.

I mean, counselling would mean that on one of the two nights I'm able to get in around 5, dragging my DH and kids out again to sit in a car for an hour and pay £50 or so for something I do not think is helpful. That would be beyond selfish.

Op, local to me there is something called a Wellbeing service. It's NHS and you can self-refer and access it by phone. It might be worth seeing if anything similar exists where you are.

OP, you say it's not helpful advice here, but every post has been supportive and proactive.

What is anoying you?
What do you want us to say?

But, I DO do defiance eating - I didn't know it was called that but definitely!

I second the advice to read Brain Over Binge.

That was the book which cured my bulimia almost overnight.

You could go to the GP and get referred to the eating disorder service but if you don't want to then there are other things you can do.

There's a difference between knowing you need to change things, and really wanting to, and by the way you're posting you're not there yet. It's easy to make excuses for why you can't do certain things. Believe me I do understand. Change is difficult and scary. But when you do get to that point there are many resources that can help you.

Loads of the advice is helpful Pig but the "you MUST do x" isn't.

Hi. Sounds like you have had a really tough time.
There are loads of different talking therapies out there, so 'councelling' might not be right for you, but something else could.

In an ideal world you probably do need to address the original root of your problems, but that does not need to be now.

You could work through and identify what your triggers are, what keeps the problem going, and how you can start changing your patterns of behaviour now.

Helpful things to read, might be looking at some stuff around self compassion and perfectionism.
Sounds like you give yourself a really hard time.

I found slimming world really good and supportive and gave me safe rules around food without allowing me to be too strict or too indulgent.

I’ve recently started reading “beyond chocolate” book.
It’s been very helpful in helping me to recognise my triggers and I’m beginning to develop a more healthy attitude to food and eating without dieting.

They have further resources on their webpage.
www.beyondchocolate.co.uk/how-beyond-chocolate-works/

I mean, counselling would mean that on one of the two nights I'm able to get in around 5, dragging my DH and kids out again to sit in a car for an hour and pay £50 or so for something I do not think is helpful. That would be beyond selfish.

So call BEAT?

I'm going to get huffy because I have wasted precious time on a Sat morning checking the link, suggesting parts of the site that will help and you have ignored it.

This is FREE help, by phone, advice on their website but if you don't want to try anything and just moan...how can we help?