To be aware this is going to kill me but seemingly be unable to stop

[fatfatfat]

I am really overweight. Historically this has never been the case. I was a skinny teenager and I used to have dinner ladies trying to fatten me up.

I had a pretty major trauma when I was 18 and I developed an eating disorder, which seems SO ironic now. In some ways it never really went away, although once I started FT work I did have to eat a bit more just to not draw adverse attention to myself. I remained quite underweight though.

The problem is, the last three years or so have been immensely stressful and my weight has ballooned. I had to get to a healthy weight in order to start a procedure and I was 9 and a half stone in 2013. I remember DH saying he thought that was a good weight for me. But then it just ballooned out of control.

Eating (and drinking) has become the thing I do, it's my absolute favourite. And obviously the more weight I've put on the worse it's got. None of my clothes fit. I don't go to places. I don't see people. I won't have my photo taken. All in all I am miserable as fuck ... so why the fuck can't I stop eating!?

DH, my own sister, MIL and a couple of friends have in various ways pulled me up on it, some gently and some not so. I've been reminded of the effect on my own children, that diabetes and a premature death may be the end result. But it also impacts on all our lives in a thousand different ways. DD was desperate for me to ride a horse alongside her but I wouldn't (I knew the owner would ask me how much I weighed and I wouldn't say and also didn't want the poor creature to collapse.) I won't go swimming with my children. Last weekend DD wanted me to go on a ride with her - it was only a carousel thing (she is 3) but it was one of those carriages you sit in and I knew I would struggle to get my fat arse in it! I barely see my friends. I pull out of social occasions because - honestly - I just can't find clothes.

I don't know why I am posting. Well, I want to start Monday. Again. But I'm so miserable.

I am very keen to do that - meal replacement is probably best for me to be honest.

Please don’t go on a meal replacement diet, they are so bad for you and they will not solve the problem. For the moment, put aside the idea of dieting/losing weight and look at the other resources that people have suggested here, see where you get to.

OP think of seeing someone who does the rewind technique, like a human givens therapist or EMDR therapist. You won't even have to talk about the original trauma, but it will deal with the underlying trauma.

It may only take a couple of sessions and you won't have to talk about your relationship with your mother, lol!

WHat do you mean Over?

OP - I feel for you. You sound like my daughter a couple of years ago. It's not about your weight, it's about the trauma you experienced which has led you to overeat (comfort?) and then to despise yourself for it.
Please get some help with your mental state; I don't know what you mean by I'm not a counselling person - nobody is until they have to be.
Try WW or SW - it might kick start you onto a healthier way of eating and you'll start to love yourself a bit more because you are taking care of yourself.
Good luck

Ooh yes - EMDR worked brilliantly for my sister.

I'm just not a "counselling" person! Plus I don't honestly know when I'd fit it in!

There isn’t a counselling person. Counselling is for everyone who needs it.

As for when you fit it in: you fit it in because it is so important. You fit it in because it is your mental health and your DCs one shot at childhood.

Sorry to be blunt, but you identified that the problem was linked to mental health in your OP. All the diet tips in the world are going to mean nothing without addressing the underlying cause. I can understand why you might avoid doing that, but you may want to acknowledge that it is fear that is holding you back.

Look at Richie Howie on Facebook RH Fitness. Speaks a lot if sense, lots if people have a lot if success and it seems a very supportive group.

I genuinely don't have time, Persona ... I haven't got back from work before 6 all week and I have young kids.

Your weight already killed the joy of your life. You can take control, not Monday, but NOW! Take a bit black bin bag and clean your cupboards of all the foods you can’t resist.

It sounds like you're right not to want diet programmes - but you need to talk to the GP about your history of restricting as well, otherwise there's no obvious way for them to know if you are bigger because you just like a takeaway. It's also why it's so helpful if you have budget or insurance for specialist private help.

Financially we aren't in that bracket stuck

Op, re the bike thing... you can buy ebike kits which fit onto normal bikes, and which would give you a boost up the hills while you were gaining initial fitness. You'd still be pedalling along, so using energy, but it might take some of the fear of having to get off and push away, perhaps.

I agree that some form of appropriate therapy/counselling might help you. I had counselling years ago and I do believe it saved my life. Your DH could surely hold the fort one evening a week while you went after work? I get that it may be a bit of an intimidating or unsettling thought, but your mental health is important and will affect your physical health.

Thing is OP, food isn't the enemy. It's just that you don't have a healthy relationship with it at the moment, which by the sound of it, is completely understandable.

If it helps, I was in a very similar position.

Trauma that initially caused weight loss eventually led to weight gain and my BMI was 38.

Food was a constant battle. Every meal, every snack, fraught in a comfort/guilt cycle. I had no self esteem.

I'm healthy now but I did need to have CBT and I totally changed my relationship with food. It's immensely positive - I cook from scratch, no food is off limits, I re-learnt portion control and installed a very regular eating pattern.

Slimming clubs, meal replacements etc don't work in the long run. You may well need help to re-balance your mental health. I wasn't a therapy person until it worked for me!

Sounds like you've been through a lot - please don't use that stick you have to beat yourself up. Small steps.

OP, Im in he same boat, and have a very similar history of trauma stopping me eating....I am now, 12 years later obese again and I just cant care enough.

My tips are probably worthless, but anyway:

1. You probably need some sort of psychological interventions for depression, go to GP
2. You need to find the trigger inyour head. It's never going to click through humiliation or self hatred. Just more a realisation that YOU dont have to live like this, that what you put in your mouth is a choice.
3. Makeyourself the tastiest food you like, thats healthy....but do it in maneagable portions,smalish portions. I used to stop by M&S on the way home from work and get a ready made meal, felt like a major treat. but I didn't allow myself any snacks...a few weeks of this seemed to reset my portion control button.
4. If you cant exercise without a lot of pain or discomfort, dont bother until the first stone comes off, you'll automatically move more.
5. Cut out alcohol.
6. There are some very good binge eating apps, I am downloading one today for myself as I have had enough. And strangely your OP has spurred me on.
7. I bought a cheap fitness tracker (£20) this week, its interesting to see that Im not as lazy asi thought, hopefully that will also help.

www.oagb.org.uk/

An alternative to counseling? Support group?

Thanks.

DH would definitely hold the fort. Thing is we've only the one method of transport which is his work van. So it would involve lengthy bus journeys or the whole family going out. And we can't afford it and honestly (I'm not being rude!) I just don't have much faith in therapy.

I have a FitBit (Christmas present!) I def do quite a bit of walking!

Op I feel for you as I felt the same depression about my weight after I had dd. I had had a tricky pg and bfing made me extremely hungry and I ended out being over 17 stone. I was extremely miserable and depressed. The thing that saved me was exercise. I started off very gently and slowly built up. It took a couple of years probably to lose the weight but I lost over 7 stone. Once the exercise clicked I found I wanted to make better food choices because otherwise it would negate the exercise. Any activity you can manage. Home dvds are great. I know you won’t believe me now but it does give you such a feel good wellness afterwards that really helped me mentally. I also did things like ate from a smaller plate etc. But I’d tried several times before it started working for me and it never worked. It was like something had to click in me for it to happen and I couldn’t force that click to take place.

I’m now pg againnand have put on a lot of weight (again) and am dreading the journey I’ll have to lose weight again. I’m scared of the weight gain depression. Of hating how I look, refusing photos of me etc. I just have to tell mysyou of i didnit before so I can do it again

fatfatfat Try The Weight Escape. It is based on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. It sounds like food and drink have become your main tool to deal with stress/distress. If you want to lose weight you need to learn to consciously notice the urge to eat/drink, learn more tools to deal with your distress and learn how to choose what tool you're going to use. It's okay for food to be one of those tools but right now the cost of that is too high for you for it to be your go-to tool.

www.amazon.co.uk/Weight-Escape-Dieting-Start-Living/dp/161180227X

I genuinely don't have time, Persona ... I haven't got back from work before 6 all week and I have young kids

Sorry, but from what you describe you NEED to go for therapy. You should be prioritising it like a doctors appointment and make space for it in your budget.

Of course it will be hard to organise and pay for. But everything else will fail. How committed are you to your own health and your DDs childhood?

People who are couple of stone overweight because they like cheese and chocolate, then yeah, they need to go on a diet.

But for you, you know this is to do with mental health. You will need to take steps to sort it - urgently, and as an absolutely priority. I know it is hard though

Hi,
I think Slimming World might be a healthy diet for you to try because it is just really about eating well and not deprivation. Many foods are not restricted at all you just need to “syn” some higher calorie foods and treats.

You are encouraged to eat tasty balanced meals until you are full but just to adjust the way you cook and keep in check the amount of junk. There is lots of focus on recipes and planning lovely meals and treats that won’t spoil your weight loss and that your whole family can eat along side you. For recipe ideas a lot of people use “pinch of nom” as well as the slimming world site.

If you attend a group you will be able to connect with others who have just the same problems and fears as you. A lady at my group has lost over seven stone and glows with positivity.

Of course you don’t want to throw yourself back into deprived eating patterns either so I would try very hard to aim to lose only 1lb each week rather than to lose as much as you can. Remind yourself your goal is to be a healthy mum and that is a healthy rate of weight loss. Be clear that your target weight must be within the healthy weight for your height. At slimming world you can go for free if you hit your target but go more than a few lbs above or below it and you have to pay again.

Whatever route you decide is right for you good luck!

Buy yourself a nice notebook and start making a food diary as a first thing. This gets you in touch in black and white with what you are consuming and when. This familiarity with your own relationship with food is a tool to help you see the weak points and that can help with change. I know it sounds like a PITA but it really does help. Make a note of your current weight. From this, come up with some solutions, so for example if you binge eat in the evenings, clean your teeth and use mouthwash to 'reset' and do this early. Instead of watching TV, go for a walk for half an hour to an hour or do some gentle exercises at home.

When you are about to eat a sandwich, eat only 3/4 or half of it instead. Swap stuff that is full fat to the slimming version. Note all this stuff in a journal. Weigh yourself once a week and make a chart so you have a visual aid.
Something I have done in the past is I decided I wanted to lose 5 kilos so I took an empty 5l container and as I lost the weight I added water to it so I could see how much weight I had lost. I could lift it and realise how much I had lost, realise how much less weight my knees were having to carry. Every gram is a millilitre of water. This really helped me.
The journal/diary works because it is a journey and you will make mistakes at the beginning but it allows you to see them, acknowledge them and move past them. Reading back and analysing what you eat, when and why and the changes you make and continue to make helps you keep focus. You become your own psychoanalyst basically!

Seeing how much you lose and/or how you feel when you cut out refined carbs compared to going 5:2 for example, really helps you get to know yourself and what drives you to eat because without insight and self knowledge I think it is hard to find the exact way of eating that suits a person as an individual.
When we start a diet we want it to be perfect from the outset and when it isn't we feel disheartened and we lose focus and we fail. A journal changes that as it's a record of how crap you were at the outset of managing your appetite and cravings and illustrates how you have moved past this to develop habits and patterns that help you lose the weight and then keep it off. You can keep adding new coping strategies etc. as you go along.

This is the only way I have found that works for me as I have had disordered eating all my life due to greed and a chaotic upbringing.
If you don't want a notebook as someone else might read it, make yourself an online journal in your private emails. Anything to get and maintain focus. Write anything in it you want to. There are no rules. Express yourself on those pages. If you feel shit, spotty and down, put it in there. If you feel weakened resolve, read some of what you have written. It really helps you re-focus and start again after a 'blip'.

Well yes but saying that doesn't create any more hours in the day Persona, or any extra cash in our bank account!

thanks ck it's true I am easily idscouraged, even things like someone giving me a cup of tea with semi skimmed milk in it.

i think you need help.i dont know how dieting help is going to be useful on here as to me your still doing eating disorder behviours just at the other end of the scale.
and maybe being deprived for so long you body is still in the craving mode which can and do happen to many.
ive seen many an eating disorder sufferer go from one end to the other but it does stop them being any more of a sufferer at either end.
and dieting might trigger it to go the other way or feel out of control or get into more disordered beahviours.
so id say if you can to seek help for your ed.and i know you got over your trauma but lots of ill feeling towards yourself and thinks that suncontiously stick can trigger all sorts of brain reactions then beahviours you do around food,being able to stop.caving,self worth,confidence,etc.
and if it wasnt the trauma that began the ed then that in itself means you ned to ge tto the bottom of that.
to get to a safe weight when you coping with an eating disroder is very very different and shouldnt be dealt with differently to dieting.because it is all emcpossing to do with your mind not just food versus exercise to lose weight.your mental health here is involved and is triggering and making you repsond to food in different ways.
could you go seek help.or search for private counciling.
or groups or just something to start working through your mental health.
does your family know about your ed?
do you get support at home with that becasue that is key.not just telling you to lose weight which is just dangerous to a sufferer.
do you binge or over eat do you know?

dont be hard on yourself op.it sounds like youve been struggling for years.so aswell as that being really bloody unfair and diffucult on yourself its also how ingrained behaviours and reactions to food andweight and yourself and life has become.it take time and love and kindness to yourself to recover.
do you want to recover or does your ed still feel needed to you?

be gentle on yourself.you love your family you can hear that from you.and allthough you can tdo these things you want to with them quite yet the fact you want to is great so dont lose that light in your heart and that wish and fight.and keep ltting them know in the ways you can how mummy is there for them.dont push them away becasue of how your feeling or guilt and stuff.
you can do this.but it takes time to heal.