To be aware this is going to kill me but seemingly be unable to stop

[fatfatfat]

I am really overweight. Historically this has never been the case. I was a skinny teenager and I used to have dinner ladies trying to fatten me up.

I had a pretty major trauma when I was 18 and I developed an eating disorder, which seems SO ironic now. In some ways it never really went away, although once I started FT work I did have to eat a bit more just to not draw adverse attention to myself. I remained quite underweight though.

The problem is, the last three years or so have been immensely stressful and my weight has ballooned. I had to get to a healthy weight in order to start a procedure and I was 9 and a half stone in 2013. I remember DH saying he thought that was a good weight for me. But then it just ballooned out of control.

Eating (and drinking) has become the thing I do, it's my absolute favourite. And obviously the more weight I've put on the worse it's got. None of my clothes fit. I don't go to places. I don't see people. I won't have my photo taken. All in all I am miserable as fuck ... so why the fuck can't I stop eating!?

DH, my own sister, MIL and a couple of friends have in various ways pulled me up on it, some gently and some not so. I've been reminded of the effect on my own children, that diabetes and a premature death may be the end result. But it also impacts on all our lives in a thousand different ways. DD was desperate for me to ride a horse alongside her but I wouldn't (I knew the owner would ask me how much I weighed and I wouldn't say and also didn't want the poor creature to collapse.) I won't go swimming with my children. Last weekend DD wanted me to go on a ride with her - it was only a carousel thing (she is 3) but it was one of those carriages you sit in and I knew I would struggle to get my fat arse in it! I barely see my friends. I pull out of social occasions because - honestly - I just can't find clothes.

I don't know why I am posting. Well, I want to start Monday. Again. But I'm so miserable.

Have a look at overeaters annonimous- some may do Skype meetings.
Good luck OP.

@fatfatfat You've identified a serious problem affecting your health and quality of life and that of your children, DH and friends. That's really great. It's difficult to offer any help here though because every kind and sensible suggestion that's put to you you have an excuse for not doing. You have to want to engage to see change and stop making excuses.

You need to change your mindset. I never considered myself a "counselling person" but I've had two episodes of counselling and they've both been life changing for me. I approached it both times with a skeptic attitude but a willingness to try to solve an issue and ultimately it worked. There is now online counselling available so you won't need to leave the house and can do it in the evening when your children are in bed. My local area offers it for free but there are lots of private providers available too.

Several people have suggested reading and books are a great way to educate yourself and help change your mindset. They're affordable and accessible. If you think you don't have time to read (which is probably the excuse you'll make) then you can absolutely get an audiobook and listen to it on your commute to work or on your lunch break or just on headphones or speakers while doing household chores. Have a look at the website Audible, I think your first book from there is free and people can also send you books for free through their app. Libraries also have free audiobooks but their selection will be more limited. Obviously libraries will have a bunch of free books you can borrow if you have time to read a physical book.

You need professional help since you aren't able to do this alone, book a GP appointment and get some counselling and a dietician. There are specialist weight management clinics in some areas which you may be eligible for. Google first and see what's available so you're able to have a proper chat with your GP about what's available. As another poster mentioned some areas subsidise gym classes or Slimming World sessions.

You have a supportive network of family and friends so excuses like "I don't have time" simply don't wash. All of your support network has tried to help you so I think if you asked them they'd be willing to look after your children for an hour so you could go to an evening or weekend Slimming World class or gym. Your DH and DD want to exercise but you just don't join them, stop saying no and start joining in. It doesn't matter what you wear to exercise, it only matters that you're doing exercise so don't use clothes as an excuse. When I see overweight ppl exercising I think "good for them, keep it up!" and not anything negative so don't worry about what ppl will think as its never as bad as what you imagine.

Track your calories in, calories out with an app like MyFitnessPal, it's free. In fact the NHS has a bunch of apps which they've either funded or approved which could help you. Most are free some have a nominal charge which is no barrier to entry. It will help you make better informed decisions about which foods are worth the calories.
www.nhs.uk/apps-library/category/healthy-living/

I've seen people get fantastic, lasting, healthy results with Slimming World. You still get to eat decent sized portions with that and it will teach you a lot about healthy eating. The other useful thing with SW is that the whole family can eat the same meal so you won't be having to cook separate food. Your husband may be willing to help with meal prep if he's wanting to support you. Please don't do meal replacement or crazy crash diets, they don't have lasting results and are unhealthy and unsustainable. Plan your meals our in advance, including your lunch at work and snacks.

Do your food shop online with the list of your prepared meals, do not waiver from the list. Going to the shop will just mean you're tempted to buy unhealthy and unplanned foods so even if you have to pay a delivery charge you'll probably save in buying less food and you'll save time, something you're so short on. Have a good clean out of your cupboards, if you don't have unhealthy stuff in the house then you can't eat it. There will be a local food bank who'll be grateful for the donations. Get your husband and children involved in cooking up big batches of food at the weekend, box it up and put it in the freezer and you have ready made healthy meals for the week.

Good luck, I hope you grab the bull by the horns and make the meaningful changes you and your family need.

OP I was 16 stone 3lbs back in August and I'm now 12 stone 6lbs and still losing.

First of all, yes you are obese, but not as obese as you seem to think. And its definitely do-able

Like you, I didn't want to do anything, go anywhere, get photos taking. I absolutely did not want to go to my doctor or a gym or a weight loss class. I was just too embarrassed.

So I signed up to slimming world online. But before I did that, I joined some facebook groups - slimming world groups and also the 'pinch of nom' facebook groups. I would suggest that you join these groups first and read a couple of their stories and recipes and understand what it is all about before making the decision to join.

Instagram is amazing for recipes, food ideas, and inspiration. Just search the hashtags for slimming world and you'll find lots of ways to still eat 'normal' food.

I have found it pretty easy actually, and I'm a rubbish cook. I don't actually cook any of the SW recipes, I just buy and eat normal food but I've been able to learn what is healthy and what is not, and only snack on those which have low calories or syns.

I lost 2 stone just by learning what was healthy and what was not, and trying the different brands recommended in the groups and instagram.

After the first 2 stone, I then felt confident enough to start going to some dance classes. Now I try to go about twice a week.

I still can't cook. And I haven't been on a horse since I was about 9.

I never thought I'd lose more than a stone, and even then if I was lucky.

So you can do it, and you should definitely start by joining the facebook groups first.

I don't know why people are suggesting things? The OP just wanted a rant, not to change.

It’s hard to advise without being triggering. With an eating disorder past or present it’s so easy to fall back into destructive ways and become obsessive about food/calories.

Start off slow, make small adjustments to your day for example:

Have water or low/no sugar drink instead of alcohol
If you like crisps, exchange them for two rice cakes
Cut down but don’t completely cut out carbs
Bulk up meals with cooked mushrooms or veg
Walk more or dance

Best of luck

Also the NHS mental health services often start with online or over the phone therapy, it's actually quite difficult to get face to face counselling.

You would have to go to your GP though, but it would save you money as well.

Normally there's a waitlist but you could start the process and look for other tools to help in the mean time.

If you want to make changes you need to be comfortable being uncomfortable. At the core the only person who can save your life is you.

You know you have disordered eating and no diet plan in the world will help unless your brain is onboard.

There are a lot of good things on YouTube (and some terrible things too) that will help you heal your mind and educate yourself about food.

Some places on YouTube:

EveryDamnDayFitness - sweary but effective
Obese To Beast - a young man formerly morbidly obese on his weight loss and fitness tranformation.
Von Choc - weighloss for life from a working mum and her fitness gains.

Just to add, you dobt need to pay for therapy.
Yes there will be a waiting list, but better to be on it than not on it iyswim?

Also there are loads of online courses you can be directed to as well

I'm my area, you call your local talking therapy service
They then arrange to call you back for an assessment over the phone, then they go through what options there are.
So online, in person, CBT, 'councelling' etc.

I lost weight after each baby as I excerised and ate well. Then one day i became depressed as a sham I felt like I had no purpose and friends. So I started eating junk food. I became really overweight. I only got bigger and bigger. The bigger I got the more depressed I felt so the more i ate! I started doing a davina mcall work out DVD every morning and stopped buying junk food. The kids only got crisps and biscuits that I didn't like! Its actually working. It's been a year and I've lost a couple of stone. I just have one more to go. You can do this, i believe in you. Be kind to yourself and love yourself.

Totally relate OP. Some years back I went through a period of domestic violence and being battered. I ate and ate and ate. Nearly doubled my body weight. Came to Overeaters Anonymous. It's not a diet club but a way of getting sane about food. Totally recommend. There's online meetings as well as face to face and people there with every eating disorder you can think of from overeaters to anorexics and bulimics 💐💐💐

Oh FFS Jingling don't be ridiculous. If you really genuinely are going to get in a huff because someone on the internet didn't take your advice then honestly, it's not good for you. That might sound arsey and it's not.

I didn't say I just wanted to rant. LOADS of the advice is helpful. The only thing I am resisting is therapy/counselling (or "councilling" ) it doesn't work and it is expensive.

Op

Google the walk a thousand miles in a year with country walking magazine .

It's just 2.74 miles per day

Get the Fitbit on and go for it.

I'm slightly less overweight now and almost 200 miles in

Hi OP I haven't read the whole thread sorry. Just wanted to say that I understand how you have got to this point - I have a similar history of EDs and I could definitely see how I would get to this myself as I have experienced the compulsion to eat when full even when depressed about my weight. It's a sort of self harm, self destruct almost.

I am a healthy weight (previously suffered anorexia and binge eating disorders) but I do have to constantly be aware of my relationship with food and occasionally go 'off the rails' for a time and constantly eat shit/ survive on barely anything at all. My ED will always be there in the background and I believe it takes constant work to live healthily with a history of ED.

I had counselling and I honestly wouldn't dismiss it. It didn't exactly tell me anything I didn't know but it gave me an outlet and most importantly it removed the shame - for me there was huge shame attached in particular to the binging. I think the Shame then fed back into the behaviour. But my counselor was so matter of fact and non judgemental about it, and so understanding of the behaviour. That helped me a lot. I no longer feel the shame that was the worst part of the ED for me.

Also agree with PP about the book 'brain over binge' I found that one helpful.

Good luck!

Thanks, I'll order the book. I get paid on Tuesday so I can do it then.

Just seen you don't want counselling for logistical reasons too. I have a 1 and 3 year old so I get it. But I would say prioritise yourself and your recovery. Give it a go for 6 weeks. It might be a waste of everyone's energy or it might save your life (I believe it saved mine)

OP: “Help, help, I’m drowning!”
MN: Here’s the lifeboat, just get in”
OP: “I’m not a lifeboat type of person!”
Continues clinging to piece of sinking wreckage....
OP, it’s all very well rejecting all possible solutions offered here, but what are you going to do instead? Simply continue to be unhappy and get slowly bigger and more unwell?
It sounds to me that you are still very much in thrall to your eating disorder, it feels familiar and comfortable to you as your coping mechanism for stress, and you are resisting anything that might help you to overcome it.
Are you afraid of facing life’s stresses without bingeing as a safety net? Because there are much healthier ways to handle stress, and therapy will teach you those.
Please try to ditch the mindset that refuses all help and keeps you trapped in obesity.
You can have a happy and healthy future if you just pluck up all your courage and climb into that lifeboat! God bless, OP.

I’m not miles off your story, eating disorders and extreme thinness in the past- now struggling with weight. Mum is type 2 (never been overweight either so I’m high risk) and I had gestational diabetes. I don’t quite know how I ballooned, but everyone told me and it was depressing. I hid from the issue and food was comfort.

I have been working on it and I’m just tipping my bmi below 25. This is what is finally working for me:

• dropping the hardcore exercise at first, I can’t stick to it. Being realistic. I started with gentle yoga everyday, it helped with bloat. I built up to the 30 day yoga challenge with Adrianne on YouTube. Then after a month I did bike rides alone, even very short. Then I signed my son up to swim and joined him. This was over 4 months, I started tiny to break the try and fail cycle of doing things that were too much. God knows how many times I reached day 4 of the 30 day shred...

-trying to sort one food at a time. I got an app called Lose it, seeing what I skate made me more realistic. I just started with the evening snack issue for ages. I set easy goals I could do, just eating a bit less rather than suddenly trying to switch to healthy eating. I’ve made huge strides to the point where last night I ate what I used to as a one off and my belly couldn’t take it and I got an upset stomach! I’ve lost that bloated tender feeling I had, I was worrying there was something wrong seriously

• I bought fitting clothes in a proper size (just a few bits from tkmaxx) and a few bits of new make up. When you feel good, or even people think you’ve lost a bit because your jeans fit and flatter, it’s really motivating.

-you’ll be surprised how much is bloat and water weight when your diet improves

-lastly, I got a scooter with the kids. It’s fun and I don’t give a shit how I look. We scooter loads (I nearly died the first time). Get a 200mm wheel sturdy adult one though (Halfords is cheap) or the weight on small wheels is a depressing effect

It is doable, just don’t read weight loss stuff and get depressed and don’t go to other’s standards and beat yourself up. Focus on you, go for the long run. Feel good for example just because you drop sugar after 7pm for example. One thing a lot a time, slow small goals and honest recording of food to see patterns. NEVER share your food log though!

I'm not trying to be difficult. I honestly believe counselling is a placebo. And an expensive placebo!

Use info available to understand why this is happening.
You don't want to 'go out there' and contact GPS/other services and that's understandable.
You have already identified that you have an eating disorder and that is a massive step.
Understanding the problem and it's causes is a big thing in itself OP and you're starting to do that just by starting this thread.

If a placebo works and makes you better who cares that it’s a placebo.

What you are doing now clearly isn’t working, maybe a placebo might.

( I hope my advice helps, it’s from someone who’d rather eat their shoes than go to counselling. I get that and I’ve been so where you are)

It won't, why - that's the point of a placebo. It works because people believe it works.

And Stormei, thanks ... glad it isn't just me!

So what are you actually willing to do?

Cos meal replacement costs a bomb. And doesn't work anyway cos it keeps you in the feast or famine mindset.

But if you won't do weight watchers or slimming world or counselling....then what??

Elspeth, give me a break, I only started the thread maybe an hour ago!