To be aware this is going to kill me but seemingly be unable to stop

[fatfatfat]

I am really overweight. Historically this has never been the case. I was a skinny teenager and I used to have dinner ladies trying to fatten me up.

I had a pretty major trauma when I was 18 and I developed an eating disorder, which seems SO ironic now. In some ways it never really went away, although once I started FT work I did have to eat a bit more just to not draw adverse attention to myself. I remained quite underweight though.

The problem is, the last three years or so have been immensely stressful and my weight has ballooned. I had to get to a healthy weight in order to start a procedure and I was 9 and a half stone in 2013. I remember DH saying he thought that was a good weight for me. But then it just ballooned out of control.

Eating (and drinking) has become the thing I do, it's my absolute favourite. And obviously the more weight I've put on the worse it's got. None of my clothes fit. I don't go to places. I don't see people. I won't have my photo taken. All in all I am miserable as fuck ... so why the fuck can't I stop eating!?

DH, my own sister, MIL and a couple of friends have in various ways pulled me up on it, some gently and some not so. I've been reminded of the effect on my own children, that diabetes and a premature death may be the end result. But it also impacts on all our lives in a thousand different ways. DD was desperate for me to ride a horse alongside her but I wouldn't (I knew the owner would ask me how much I weighed and I wouldn't say and also didn't want the poor creature to collapse.) I won't go swimming with my children. Last weekend DD wanted me to go on a ride with her - it was only a carousel thing (she is 3) but it was one of those carriages you sit in and I knew I would struggle to get my fat arse in it! I barely see my friends. I pull out of social occasions because - honestly - I just can't find clothes.

I don't know why I am posting. Well, I want to start Monday. Again. But I'm so miserable.

Therapy doesn’t need to be expensive. You can access it through the NHS, though there’s a long waiting list. I had to wait 4 months for it to happen, but now I’m seeing a psychotherapist regularly and it is helpful. I have a similarly unhealthy relationship with food, I’m a yo-yo dieter, because of childhood trauma.

It may well be that therapy isn’t the way to go for you. But don’t be put off because you think it will inevitably be too expensive; it doesn’t have to be.

Good luck, I hope you find a solution that works for you.

I was totally the same about counselling until my GP insisted and I realised I should give it a go.

Took me months to talk honestly but my god, it changed my life. Somebody really listened, without me worrying about imposing on them or wasting their time.

You can do email / web chat counselling now. Have a think.

fatfatfat I feel the same about counselling, I have tried it would n the past but don’t usually get past the first session.

I have had issues with food since being a teen, I either eat barely anything or I eat a lot, I kind of have it under control, I gained a lot of weight when the kids were small and when I was unhappily married. I now try not to buy any rubbish food so it’s not in the house, I online shop so I’m not tempted buy things. I basically buy vegetables fruit, meat and fish. I do have the odd McDonald’s but when I do I have a kids meal 🤣. I go to the gym most days, mainly gentle exercise, nothing too full on, I walk a lot too. I am now around 9 stone but I work hard to stay there, there are days where I could easily binge and there are days where I do binge, I then feel bad so will go to the gym and work a bit harder. It does feel like a constant battle and often takes over my life a little too much.

I think the best thing to do is make little changes in your diet, it doesn’t necessarily mean you need to starve your self but you can try and make healthier choices. I also find making up my lunch as soon as I get up in the morning helps, I have a lunch box and will fill it with healthy food (carrot sticks, chicken, cucumber, beetroot and some fruit), this stops me getting to lunch time and grabbing something not so healthy, I also find small pieces of finger food makes lunch last longer and I feel fuller.

Do not do any of those extreme diets (drinking shakes, living on lettuce type diets) because at some point you have to stop and then the weight piles back on. Make small changes like swapping white bread to brown, cutting down on sugar and eat more fruit and veg.

I agree with persinanongrata I think you need some counselling. It sounds as though you have been through considerable amounts of trauma and food is not just 'food' for you. You need to rebalanced your relationship with food and need help with that.
Please don't blame yourself for this, but please make time to get some help as you would if you needed a medical intervention. Good luck

It sounds as if you know you need to get better but you aren’t ready to make any changes yet. My DD was referred to NHS mental health services 4 times with EO but the first three times she chose not to engage. Thank god she engaged the last time or we might have lost her.

i havent seen one eperson on here tell you your lazy op.infact compared to usual mn posts all ive seen has been really reallysupportive.
but everyone has recongnised and illness in you.and an illness that shows itself in many the ways you are.and especially in the not seeing how much help you need or being at that stage yet.
people arent saying you must as in pushy and cruel but in experience ways from peple who can see this is what you need to gt under the real problems here.

If I were you I'd be really terrified of dieting in case it triggered an eating disorder again. Please don't diet at all.
Instead try focusing on a whole life, whole body approach to taking excellent care of yourself. Start by adding things to your life, not taking away food.
E.g. start by adding 2 litres of water a day. It really does help fill you up. Add some forms of exercise. I'm overweight and so is a close friend. We go to a local swimming pool that is emty at 7am and swim a mile. (We started with 10 lengths)
At home, add min workouts. While you clean your teeth do squats (sit down on the loo seat and back up as many times as you can while doing teeth. You'll feel it next day I promise. Do it for a week or so and you'll start to feel these lovely dent-like hollows where your muscles are tightening the shape of your bum. That's an incentive.

15 stone may be overweight but it's not bigger than lots of other overweight people. You can probably do more stuff with DD that you think. Ask quietly about horses. There must be horses men ride at that weight. Start allowing yourself to live with DD and take pleasur ein the experiences.

Meet up with good friends again but tell them you don't meet for drinks or coffees any more, you meet for walks. I drag friends out for walks instead of sitting on our arses and we have great chats along the way.

Make a big list of really lovely treats that aren't food based: bath products, a new book or magazine, nail polish, a bird feeder, nice notebooks and pens, a DVD or CD, fresh flowers or candles etc. Get into the habit of buying these and using them when you need to boost your mood.

If your DD is still you, download the NT's list of things every child should have done before they are 11 3/4 then set about doing them all with her. (One of the best feelings I ever had was when fat me climbed a tree unaided and DH and DC took photos in admiration. I didn't even look that fat when I was high up in the branches!)

You have my sympathy. I overeat. I know why I do it but I find it so hard to stop. Focusing on other things that are good for me instead of 'the food issue' helps me most.

Talking therapy is a placebo? How strange. There is a lot of proof otherwise. And you haven’t tried it.

You identified in your OP that this is a mental health issue. Then you get defensive about addressing it as a mental health issue.

‘Beyond selfish’ is limiting your DCs childhoods and dying young. Not spending time and money getting yourself better.

This might help. I have been eating like a normal person for 3 months and have found it a natural and easy way to lose weight after years and years of yoyoing www.eatlikeanormalperson.com/

whyohwhyowhydididoit oh im so glad she sought help.big hugs for you and her.is she doing ok now?

DD still young not you. Sorry for typos.

Re the bike riding, it's not the weight that's the problem, it's fitness. I'm pretty slim and run half marathons but struggle cycling up hills because I'm not used to that sort of exercise. Exercise won't fix the problem alone but it might help you feel better about yourself, although I'm aware that it can be unhelpful to those with disordered eating as it can trigger obsessions itself. Just wanted to say that you shouldn't be put off exercise just because it's a struggle, that's fitness not size and fitness will improve the more exercise that you do. Feeling fit may well help in other areas too.

Yes, Persona, it is a placebo and a money spinner and you know it.

Thanks woodcut

The way that works for me to loose weight is to try to find what I eat that is high calorie and switch it for lower calorie food. It includes lots of label reading and time but it works. Generally, adding lots of veg (can be frozen or canned if not a lot of time to shop/prepare food) makes a difference and switching snacks to rice cakes for example. For example a whole can of green beans is like 27 calories so you could be eating a load of green beans before you reach 1800 daily calories.

Hello. I don’t have the background of trauma but just wanted to say you’re not alone x

What, er, solutions to mental health issues do you consider are valid?

Yes, Persona, it is a placebo and a money spinner and you know it

How rude.

And yes 15 stone is far too fat to ride. I wouldn't let you ride any of mine and I can't think of a riding school that takes anyone over 12 stone.

kateandme. Thank you.
She is much better now, she is a healthy weight and leads a normal life but I don’t think she will ever be ‘normal’ when it comes to food. Her eating disorder is an addiction and she will have to live with it and manage it for ever. My heart bleeds for her sometimes, she tries so hard but every day is a struggle. But she’s alive and physically well and that is something we could only dream of seven years ago.

I am not sure it matters too much what you weigh currently. Your idea of 'ballooned' and other peoples could be wildly different. For instance I suspect that you weigh a lot less than me. I recognise though the stopping doing things because of weight.
This is where you can do something,

Go swimming, the ten seconds from changing room to pool are uncomfortable, but once you are in the pool and concentrating on your children, that discomfort will pass ( honestly I say this as one of the fattest people in the pool ). Get a decent costume, there are plenty of plus size ones out there. Same goes for the beach.

Horse riding, do you enjoy it and are you proficient at it ? Anyone asks how much you weigh, just say about 11 stone and don't trot a lot on the roads or do a cross country coarse, a decent sized robust horse will carry you with no bother on a happy hack for an hour. You are riding next to your daughter not following the hounds I presume ?

Bike ride , get off and push it up the hills, try the hills, and when it gets too hard , get off and push, no shame in that, it will get easier the more you do it anyway. Or look at bike friendly routes in your area that are less hilly ?

Buy new clothes! Buy something you feel comfortable in, I know this will seem a mammoth task as you currently don't feel comfortable with your body and the idea of anything looking 'good' is alien. So go with comfort, nice fabric, no digging in or tightness, nothing you keep having to pull down or rearrange in anyway. And then go out, have a couple of glasses of wine and I promise if you can stick it out for half an hour you will be fine.

I don't think you should discount counselling completely, I think it is a good way of getting your ducks back in a row mentally without fear of judgement or causing offence. Maybe have a look at counsellors in your area, see if there are any who specialise in disordered eating ? Or that you just like the sound or look of ?

Re the clothes, if you can't face shopping, I have a ton of stuff that is unworn f you pm me your size I could send you something to try.

I’m not going to comment on the counselling aspect of it.

I’m just going to suggest you have a look at James Smith Academy and check out the transformations page. Have a look on his Instagram and his hashtags. People of all shapes and sizes sign up. He runs 12 week challenges with the prize of a holiday with him or £10000. £40 per month. 24/7 trainer support. You don’t need to join a gym.

You can join for free and access recipes and exercise videos but you can’t access the challenges or trainer support without a premium account.

Plenty of stuff prescribed by actual doctors has a placebo effect Persona

It is cult-like and frankly a bit chilling. I can't think of any other area where it would be condoned.

"Pay £50 an hour and your problems can be solved."

"But they aren't."

"Oh. That's because you didn't REALLY WANT IT."

I can never believe people actually fall for it, but they do because they are desperate. It's taking advantage of people at their most vulnerable and it's despicable.

You seem to be making a lot of excuses (no time, no money, young kids etc). And you are so ready to discount things which would be really helpful like counselling. Unless you are willing to make sacrifices and change your lifestyle it’s never going to happen. You can lose weight even in your situation . Get up 1/2hr earlier and go for a walk 5 days a week. Cut carbs out of your breakfast and stop eating sugar. That’s a place to start. Good luck.

I don't ride, it was just a day at a farm we had. I was giving that as an example.

Fazackerly. And I am the rude one?

That's not rudeness- that's a reality check.