Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wife won’t make stepdaughter get a job

184 replies

Recyc11ng · 26/04/2019 10:48

So I have a stepdaughter of 20. An adorable good natured human being but is bone idle.

She left college last summer (after having an extra year for failing everything). Despite the extra year she achieved nothing. she is so bright but unmotivated.

Her mum and I agreed that she could have a month or two break before getting into work. Since then she has worked one day in a new job then quit. Since then nothing.

It’s almost a year now and it is driving me nuts, even more so as I have a very strong work ethic and don’t believe life is free.

She spends 7 days a week in her bedroom playing minecraft and other games. She never goes out, eats and makes zero contribution to the house whilst her mum and I work (very long hours)

I keep raising with my wife and nothing is being done - it’s as though my wife would be ok if her daughter was still doing the same thing for another 20years.

Tired of talking with nothing being done, tired of stepdaughter taking the P - now at the point where it’s a constant irritation and I have no idea what to do!!

Help!!

OP posts:
Vulpine · 26/04/2019 10:50

I wouldn't let my own kids do this let alone step kids

Polarbearflavour · 26/04/2019 10:51

Jobs are overrated.

Foresteer23 · 26/04/2019 10:52

I only have so much say as she isn’t mine Shock

Seeline · 26/04/2019 10:53

I don't think you can make her get a job, but you can sertainly do a lot to 'encourage' her. Difficult if your wife isn't on board though.

Personally I would sit your DSD down and explain that things are going to change.

She cannot live rent free- she must contribute (whatever is reasonable in the circumstances)
She must contribute to the household - chores, shopping, laundry, cooking. Be precise on the exact things required eg cooking dinner on Tuesdays and Thursdays, cleaning the bathroom, hoovering weekly etc
She obviously won't get a job at the moment - the alternative is much more preferable!

balloonyellow · 26/04/2019 10:54

Does she have any career aspirations? Maybe an apprenticeship or even part time work in what she wants to do could help. Even a gaming/cards shop if she’s into games. My local town has one yours might

Singlenotsingle · 26/04/2019 10:55

Haha! You ain't seen nothing yet! My DS aged 41 is still snoring his head off in my downstairs bedroom. He can do all sorts of work, but bed is so much more attractive. He rarely pays anything either.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/04/2019 10:56

She needs a boot up the arse. Why is her Mum so accepting of this? Is she not worried about her? It is not normal or healthy to be stuck in her room on her own 24x7.

At age 20, she should be working, contributing, enjoying a social life etc. I can see why you're frustrated. Sit down with the pair of them and find out what's going on?

Be warned they may gang up on you though.

IJustLostTheGame · 26/04/2019 10:56

If you raise it with your wife what happens? Because unless it's a United front, sadly, it probably won't come to anything except arguments and resentment.
And where does your dsd get her money from?
You're absolutely not being unreasonable, she's 20 and needs to do SOMETHING productive.
Has everyone sat down with her and gone through options? Asked her what she wants to do and plan towards that?
If you're together on this it's easier to lay down ground rules. No money, chores etc. etc.

Foresteer23 · 26/04/2019 10:56

Thanks for this - my issue is lack of support from my wife. I suspect that she has regrets regarding her parenting pre me and is compensating now (albeit at the detriment of my wallet and core values)

Foresteer23 · 26/04/2019 10:59

Totally unmotivated and no plan - I would totally support her in every way possible if she were working towards something

TimeIhadaNameChange · 26/04/2019 11:00

Change the WiFi password when you leave for work every morning, then at least she'll have to find something else to fill her day.

Who does her washing and cooking? If it's her mum strongly suggest that she leaves it for her daughter to do.

You need to sit down and talk, altogether. She needs to realise that she can't get everything free forever.

peppaisannoying · 26/04/2019 11:00

I wouldn't let my dc behave this way. Are you sure there's nothing more going on here? Could she be depressed? Obviously some people are just lazy and have zero mental health issues but you mentioned that she stays in her room all day? That's certainly not normal behaviour for a 20 year old.

mbosnz · 26/04/2019 11:00

Is your wife really quite happy to let the status quo continue? Or would she be prepared to take some mutual action to make the status quo a lot less appealing for her daughter? Does she realise how intensely annoying this is becoming for you?

I have two nieces like this, and sadly, both their parents enable their behaviour (whilst whinging to all and sundry about how hard it is, and how annoying it is, to still have their daughters at home - at 22 and 20).

What saddens me, is that they are being enabled to squander those year of their life most filled with opportunity - to train, to earn, to travel, and to form relationships. And before they know it, they're going to be in their thirties - having done none of that. I really think that it's actually pretty selfish of their parents not to care enough not to enable that.

The low level stuff if your wife could be got on board, that I'm thinking of, to make life a lot less comfortable for her, would be to change the wifi password, and/or switch it off when you leave in the morning. Don't buy in nice or treat foods. . . do your own cooking, she can sort herself out. Don't do her washing, she can sort hers out.

Or you and your wife could present her with a roster - this is what she's expected to do in the house, and when. Also, a requirement that she can show proof of actively seeking either training or employment.

Foresteer23 · 26/04/2019 11:02

Her mum does the Washing, I do all the cooking and dishwasher emptying I also pay for everything - it’s the best free hotel in the world, her mum gives her £100 a month for doing nothing Angry

Roussette · 26/04/2019 11:03

Haha! You ain't seen nothing yet! My DS aged 41 is still snoring his head off in my downstairs bedroom. He can do all sorts of work, but bed is so much more attractive. He rarely pays anything either

Really? Why do you allow this?

TimeIhadaNameChange · 26/04/2019 11:03

Are you subsiding your SD? If so, I'd channel more of your salary away each month into an account which locks the money away for however long, so that way you don't have so much spare to give her.

lookingelsewhere · 26/04/2019 11:04

What saddens me, is that they are being enabled to squander those year of their life most filled with opportunity - to train, to earn, to travel, and to form relationships. And before they know it, they're going to be in their thirties - having done none of that. I really think that it's actually pretty selfish of their parents not to care enough not to enable that

This. It's not kindness letting her do nothing. It will actually handicap her later on. What on earth will she do when her mother isn't around?

Foresteer23 · 26/04/2019 11:06

Wow thanks all for validating my view that I am not being unreasonable. I need to sort with my wife first to get a united front - a combination of household chores, not being on WiFi all day long and a plan to get into work.
Problem is - I suspect the response will be as long as she’s happy I don’t care if she works or not - then what? I can’t live with that

jackio2205 · 26/04/2019 11:08

Just trying to think outside the box, but has DP had any convo's with her and sort of said it's okay? The daughter sounds a bit introverted, playing games, in her bedroom all the time and not going out, some of this could also be a display of depression?
Of course, problems need solving so its not a label that makes it okay, its just that you have to go about it the right way.
With ur DP you need to have a conversation with ur DSDs benefit in mind, rather than potentially coming across that she needs to do it for both of ur benefits because its annoying. I know it bloody well is, but i just think this is potentially tricky to navigate, teenage girls, step situation, ive been there and u win a lot more with sugar than vinegar! X

Snog · 26/04/2019 11:10

My parents were like this with my brother when he was that age. He's now in his 40s just the same, still at home and has hardly worked at all in his life.

Roussette · 26/04/2019 11:11

Problem is - I suspect the response will be as long as she’s happy I don’t care if she works or not - then what? I can’t live with that

Well... she obviously isn't happy is she? A 20 year old who stays in her bedroom all day playing World of Warcraft isn't happy. She could be depressed or more likely she could just be lazy and needs a push. But you need your DP on board or you'll just come across as the bad guy

mbosnz · 26/04/2019 11:11

Foresteer, what about if you put it in terms of 'do you care if she never gets the feeling of pride and self respect you get from earning your living? Do you care if she doesn't have the means to support herself when we're no longer around? Do you care if she's still sponging off us when we're living on our pensions? Do you care if she doesn't form friendships and relationships, and lives her life mooching off us in her darkened room playing computer games? Do you REALLY think this is all she should expect from life, and have expected of her? Do you REALLY think she's happy? Do you REALLY think this is all she's capable of?

Also - if you can't live with that - then you need to tell her that. That you are not prepared to accept the status quo as a permanent state of affairs, and it's not fair of her to expect or ask you to.

cdtaylornats · 26/04/2019 11:12

It's time to take your wife on holiday. Two weeks away and don't tell the stepdaughter. Turn off the WiFi before you go.

Dana28 · 26/04/2019 11:13

She sounds as though she is severely lacking in confidence or possibly suffering from anxiety or depression. Her way if life sounds very solitary and unhealthy.

Missingstreetlife · 26/04/2019 11:14

Cut her money and help her claim jobseekers (or esa if depressed).
They will get her looking for work, training courses etc. This will get her credits towards pension and benefits in future. Ask your wife what she thinks willhappen after she dies? Poor girl won't have a clue.