Wife won’t make stepdaughter get a job

[Recyc11ng]

So I have a stepdaughter of 20. An adorable good natured human being but is bone idle.

She left college last summer (after having an extra year for failing everything). Despite the extra year she achieved nothing. she is so bright but unmotivated.

Her mum and I agreed that she could have a month or two break before getting into work. Since then she has worked one day in a new job then quit. Since then nothing.

It’s almost a year now and it is driving me nuts, even more so as I have a very strong work ethic and don’t believe life is free.

She spends 7 days a week in her bedroom playing minecraft and other games. She never goes out, eats and makes zero contribution to the house whilst her mum and I work (very long hours)

I keep raising with my wife and nothing is being done - it’s as though my wife would be ok if her daughter was still doing the same thing for another 20years.

Tired of talking with nothing being done, tired of stepdaughter taking the P - now at the point where it’s a constant irritation and I have no idea what to do!!

Help!!

@Foresteer23 I only have so much say as she isn’t mine

but the house is half yours. and i doubt your wife would let YOU sponge off her all day while she works her arse off. I would actually be concerned and speak to your wife. Her daughter is wasting her life locked away and should be out living, working, making friends and socialising. It will only get worse (trust me from experience). She needs encouraging to get out. first step wifi removal. if she doesnt pay for it then its not left on during the day.

Failure to launch. Your wife's attitude is strange, she doesn't mind? I'd have a talk with your wife and find out what she's thinking? Also explain that this isn't sustainable.

Also, I'm a bit surprised a 20 year old would be bothered with Minecraft, my 6 year old plays that.

This is why I will never have another serious/long-term relationship. I absolutely don't want anyone else having any influence on my relationship with my children. If I was your wife and was content that my daughter was leading this life/behaving like this, I wouldn't care what your thoughts on the matter were.
However, I WOULDN'T be happy with my daughter wasting life like this. More from a concerned perspective though. I would suspect depression as I would expect to see more lust for life. Wouldn't care about the free loading in terms of food and accommodation. My kids will always be welcome to that, no matter their age.

I suppose you need to ascertain what your wife's expectations of her daughter are? If she is unhappy as you are, then you can lay down some rules for the daughter? If not, then you either have to put up with it or split up

My SS is 43 and still living like this ! In his mother's basement , playing games and building radio controlled cars. Hasn't worked in 20 years. I've no idea of how to address this - if the mother isn't proactive about it, it'll be impossible for you do achieve anything.

She is on a fast path to a very limited life. I wouldn’t tolerate this for my children. I think your say is limited to the effect on you of having a lazy, freeloading adult in your home. If she isn’t paying rent, she needs to move out.

Ask your wife how long she thinks it's acceptable to allow her DD to do this for. 1 year? 5 years? 20 years? And why she thinks it's ok for her DD to be wasting her youth and all the opportunities she could have?

She is doing her absolutely no favours at all by not pushing her into adulthood. If she is depressed she needs to get help. She also needs to contribute.
Does she claim and benefits like jsa?

Why did she quit the job after 1 day?

Who is funding this?

Your wife is actually harming the girl by allowing her to sit in her bedroom all day,and spoiling her for paying her to do so too. She'll still be rotting away up there in 20 years time if you don't do something about it now. Explain this to your wife calmly,she has to be made to see that this really is not healthy.

Stop giving her money! The only motivation people have for working is MONEY!

Take away her games from her bedroom. Tell her she has chores to do around the house/garden.

The video games probably aren’t helping tbh... I know, I know, it’s a total mn cliche to be ‘anti’ video games, but they do seem to suck any motivation out of some people. A friend of mine at university threw away his degree playing counter strike all night. It’s as bad as weed for some people.

I’d find a way to get her off them and see if that wakes her up a bit.

She’s could anxious and escaping from something with them too though as a pp said. It definitely isn’t the usual behaviour for a 20yo ime.

Could she be depressed?
She sounds a bit like my son - he was bullied at school and only scraped through his A levels, and then my mum died which hit him (and me) hard.
I kept encouraging him to apply for roles but he didn't.
I ended up telling him that his gap year was over and making him sign on. As I'd hoped, the fact that a total stranger was asking him on a regular basis what he was doing to find a job - I think that helped him climb out of it, realising that I wasn't just nagging him.
He's now working and loving it !

Oh hell no. My dd1 has to get a part time job at 15 for her own money.

Your wife is enabling her adult daughter to become isolated and socially inapt. She is doing her no favours at all.

Stop funding her. Give her a list of chores she needs to do. Be the bad guy and give her a time frame to get her arse moving.

@Foresteer23 don't be too hard or critical if you can help it. I would definitely approach it from the angle that it's not normal, you're worried she's wasting her life, what can you both do to support her etc.

I remember my teen years as pretty miserable in all honesty, suddenly you finish your a levels and if you're not sure about going to uni or what career route to go down it can be really overwhelming. Suddenly everyone expects you to have your shit together and without the right support it can appear to be too big a challenge to tackle by yourself.

I might have come across as lazy when I finished my a levels because I just didn't know what to do, I was still working several hours in a supermarket at the time though but it was only when I go into the right career and decided not to go to uni that I really pushed myself and ended up working my ass off, contributing evenly to bills and got a mortgage at the age of 22, no financial help from my parents to do so.

It does appear that she's struggling.

Stop facilitating this lifestyle. Also, has she got a mental health problem, personality disorder or is she on the autistic spectrum? This in not right at all.

Its hard for parents these days - my mum wouldnt have had a clue if I was bone idle or not (I wasnt, I worked all through Uni) as I left home at 18. These days young adults seem to stay with parents for ever and a day! Sounds like a bit of tough love is in order - you need a serious talk with your wife, or your step daughter will still be living with you in 10 years...

She's 100% taking the piss. Why is her mum enabling this? Does she claim benefits? If not she needs to start, and she should be giving a large part of that to her mum as "keep", towards groceries, bills etc, and learning to make what's left stretch. Her mum needs to stop giving her money! If she wants more, suggest she works for it..?

I also agree with changing the wifi code, and not giving it to her until she contribites at least something towards the house financially, and doea some chores. On benefits she probably couldn't contribute a fair share, just as close to that as possible, so she should actually be doing a lot more chores, to make up for that? It's not like she doesn't have the time?? Yanbu!

If she's getting JSA, surely they are so tight on this - she has to apply for jobs?

Why did she walk out after 1 day of the job she had? If that were my DD there would have to be a very good reason

I’m impressed she is allowed to get away with this. My Mum’s rule for us was you work or study. If you don’t want to do either then move out. At the age of 20 she needs to be more independent, l have had a job since l was 15! She needs to look for a job and do more than her fair share round the house -she isn’t working and everyone else is to subsidise her. Confused why people want to attribute this to a mental health issue. Isn’t it just old fashioned idleness?

At least half the population would be quite happy to sit on their arse or do whatever they want all day, be it play on a computer, surf mumsnet, watch tv or play golf. They would love not to go out to work.
But we have to eat and pay the rent and that needs money.
Ignoring your strong work ethic, why should YOU and YOUR wife be working full time to allow SD to do bugger all?
How about SHE goes out to work and pays for you to lower your golf handicap? No, that wouldn't be fair, but neither is this.

But until you get your wife on board, nothing will change

If she is depressed or has some other mental health problem, that need to be addressed. It's not going to improve without proactive steps

Ignoring your strong work ethic, why should YOU and YOUR wife be working full time to allow SD to do bugger all?

Exactly, I don't care if it's kids or step kids there's no way in hell I would let any of them sit on their arse as adults and expect me to go to work to pay for them. Cheeky fuckery

Thanks guys - for clarity; she is totally not depressed, she is absolutely happy in her “existence” and just hasn’t grown up. I have always felt that she hasn’t been socialised properly, actually talking to people face to face is hard for her and I know that her over protective mum has played a massive part in this.
She really is just unprepared, and not equipped to deal with life. Zero interpersonal skills (unless via webcam and headphones)
I have no idea where to go with this - I just have to be firm but fair. And if I don’t get my wife’s support then we have a major marital problem I suspect. Why should I have to bankroll it, cook, clean, work etc whilst SD gets fed, gets money, gives nothing to the family (which is the selfish bit that makes me the maddest) and has no plan

Does she have a bf? It sounds like she wouldn't know how to look after herself, let alone a kid. Hopefully she doesn't get pregnant, that would be a nightmare all round.

I had a 2 year old when I was 20. Young women like this really shock me, how can anybody be so selfish?

You need to get your wife on board. Since you currently pay for everything, YOU are currently paying for her DD to stay there. You may need to withdraw payment for something. TV? WiFi? Meals out?